The Devil in Miss Tendo
A Ranma ½ fanfic
by avis de rapina
Titles / Quotes in speech or thoughts
We post fics for free.
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(NOW its 5-7-5. Thanks to BeForU for catching it.)
Summary: Well, well, well Despite all the excitement it looks like everybody is going to let Kasumi work on this poruno movie (Excuse me! This ERO ANIME adaptation of a poruno movie.) Whats more, Ranma and company are actually going to work on it too. Honestly! Akane even said he could!
Previously: Imouto-chan, this is my first and probably my last chance to finally get a life outside of this house. The only way that I will do this is if it is with people that I love and trust. Please give me my chance.
Akane turned to Ranma, nodded. Together they looked up and said I agree.
Kasumi and Nabiki looked at each other and nodded as well. Hook, they thought.
The auditions went well. Kasumis sempai, Tenou Kimiko, and her partner, Keoh Ronichiro were very impressed with the seiyu applicants. Kimiko was a tall, curvy blonde four or five years Kasumis senior and dressed in a casual-yet-elegant pantsuit. Ronichiro was a compact but wiry older man with his green hair in a ratty ponytail and dressed in a scruffy yet comfortable-looking sweater and cargo-pants combination. It was apparent that Kimiko was the public face and secret brains while Roniko did the artistic gruntwork and handled the techside of the partnership.
Roles were assigned and contracts were signed. Kasumi was, of course playing the lead. Ranma was placed opposite her in the role of The Teacher. Akane, Shampoo and Ukyo were to play Female Lovers 1, 2 and 3. Cologne got a plum role as Ms. Abaca the bureaucratic demon (Now theres a redundancy!), while Happosai was assigned as the Creepy Fly Guy. Konatsu, Mousse and Nodoka were given the glamorous roles of Miscellaneous Extras. Nabiki was Kimikos production assistant and Ronichiros trainee. (All those years of reading manga and dôjinshi were finally about to pay off.)
The next days script meeting, though didnt go as smoothly. Once the working scripts and copies of the production schedule were handed out, Ranmas fiancées were quick to complain.
Whats this? Why do I have only two days scheduled for working? And where are the rest of my lines? Its bad enough that I dont get to really DO IT with Ranchan, now I dont even get to spend more time with him!
Yes, like Spatu-- Ukyo say! Why Shampoo no have more scenes with Ranma? Great-grandmother promised me. She said if I go along with Sneaky-girls plans, I get to make baby with Airen. I get to return to Nichezu with honor intact. She said that after first baby come, Airen bound to come to village even if only to visit. We make more babies then! It no matter if Airen no love Shampoo like I want. (Sniff) It even no matter if he marry violent kitchen destroyer. Just so long as Airen love Shampoo even a little even once! What happening here?
Ladies Nabiki called out. May I remind you that this is ONLY the first movie? that we have options to work in four more?
Shampoo and Ukyo blink-blinked.
Nabiki sighed, While this movie focuses on Kasumi, there is a good chance at a leading role for all of you. for all of US, she vowed.
The pair brightened and settled back. Goofy grins started to grow on their faces Nabikis next words stunted that growth.
Of course, there IS another reason for the paucity of your lines
What do you mean, Nabiki?
I mean, Ukyo, that not only do your roles not require you to do that much work for this movie; your schedules were intended to keep you away as much as possible.
Shampoo and Ukyos faces started to cloud over.
Oh, did I forget to mention that thats true for Akane as well?
The three now looked at her in confusion.
What Nabiki means, Kasumi gently interceded, is that the three of you will not be given another reason to fight over Ranma-kun.
B-- but, onee-chan
No buts, Akane, Nabiki resumed. This project is too important for any of the usual craziness that you all get into. Not only do we need to make this project work to pay for the repairs, AS YOU ALL PROMISED; the contracts we signed also make us legally liable if it fails due to any fights.
Ranma, Akane, Shampoo, Ukyo, Mousse and Konatsu looked at each other, nodded and bowed their heads to Nabiki.
Besides, Kasumi added, you will all be busy at the house and dojo.
Nabiki snorted in disgust. Surely you dont expect Kasumi to take care of the house at the same time that shell be doing most of the work on this movie? You two, she looked to Mousse and Konatsu, will take turns helping our father and Uncle Saotome clear away the debris from the dojo. More like making sure that those two actually do any work at all! And you, she directed at Shampoo and Ukyo, will be helping Akane around the house on alternate days.
Akane, Kasumi stated, it is well past time that you improve your kitchen and domestic skills. Auntie Nodoka and Elder Cologne have graciously agreed to teach you their secret recipes and housekeeping techniques.
Think of it as bridal training, Akane-chan. In fact Id like to offer that training to all three of you girls.
Please dont call it that, Auntie! Akane said with a blush. Although, Ive always dreamt of making a perfect meal
Huh! If you make a perfect meal it wouldnt be a dream it would be a miracle! Whap! Ite
Thats another thing that we will have to address, Ranma-kun
Umm. Whatcha mean, Kasumi?
She means were going to have to correct your conversational and social skills, Saotome. It would be of little use to go through all this in order to fix the dojo; only to have your mouth start another fight that would destroy it all over again.
Hey! It wasnt my
Can you honestly say that, Ranma-kun? Can you honestly say that your words or your attitude didnt justify this last attack of Akanes on you?
Mebbe but she didnt hafta mallet me for that!
(Sigh) Youre right, Ranma. Thats why while Nabiki and I will work on your bad habits; Father, Uncle Genma and Grandfather Happosai will be training Akane in the Art to help her control her temper.
Akane expression brightened at this. You mean
She means that youll learn to fight like a true heir of the Musabetsu Kakuto Ryuu, Happosai said.
Which means youll learn to use skill instead of brute force in attacking the RIGHT target. Or ELSE
Or-- Or else what?
Or else Ill use the Strength-sapping Moxibustion to lock-away your power.
It will be for your own good, Akane. Nabiki stated. The hits that you give Ranma or Kuno would hospitalize or even kill an ordinary person. The fact that the Hentai Horde used to attack you first is the only reason the school hasnt suspended you yet.
Id also like to extend this offer to train you two girls as well, Happosai said.
W-- What! How could you What old pervert mean Youre not gonna/going to get your perverted hands on my girls/Shampoo/Ukyo-sama!
220;Theyre cute when they get all jealous and protective, arent they? Happosai observed. Dont worry, Cologne-chan will be there with me.
Old freak, why are you doing this?
You mean aside from the fact that one of them could be marrying the heir of my School, Ranma?
No. I mean why are you doing THIS? Ranma waved around the room. Youve been acting strangely ever since the other day at the Tendos. Why are you helping us? I cant believe you really care about the School that much!
Believe what you will, Ranma. I do care about this School. More than you will ever know. But youre right, there IS a reason Im helping out.
And what is that reason, old freak?
That, Happosai intoned, is a secret!
End Part I.
Authors Notes: Ive just learned that not only did a remake of The Devil in Miss Jones come out last year; but also the original movie was re-released on video earlier this month! So not only do I have to make the usual disclaimers about neither owning Ranma ½ nor profiting from this story, I also have to state that Im not flacking for the movie its going to parody. So dont take this story as a direct endorsement of the movie. This disclamation now ends.
Kimiko Tenou I couldnt help but tease all the fanfics that named Souns wife Kimiko Tendo.
Ronichiro Keoh Yes, Im playing with you. The SM and KP puns are deliberate. Dont worry, Ill stop now.
Xelloss line OK. NOW Ill stop.
It should be obvious by now that all fiancées are in play. Ive made sure to leave some chance for each of them to get Ranma. But does that include Kasumi or even Nabiki? On to part two!
Summary: The gangs got the job! Kasumis the seiyu for Juliet Jones in the new ero anime; and Ranma et al. were accepted as well. The fiancées wont be spending as much time with Ranma though. Theyre going to be taking care of the Tendo-ke while Kasumis working. Not only will Nodoka and Cologne be giving the three of them bridal training, Happosais agreed to teach all three of them Anything Goes! Meantime Kasumi and Nabiki get to work on Ranmas language and people skills away from Genmas influence. He and Soun will be too busy clearing out the dojo under Mousse and Konatsus guar guidance. But Happosai has a secret and it would appear that Cologne has one too. What could Nabiki be planning? What could she have promised them? And why does Kasumi seem to be in on it? Deeply in on it?
After breaking off for lunch, the meeting resumed with Akanes observation: Hey! This script is using our names!
Ah, yes! Let me explain that, Kimiko offered. As you are not only untrained as actors, but are also family members, friends or at least well acquainted; it would be too much to expect you to remember and keep track of the names of each others characters. Especially in the sex scenes. If one of you were to moan the wrong name while the others were trying to keep in character, the mood could easily sour. Ive seen it happen. The wrong name at the wrong time could either spark a jealous rage or a mass giggle-fit. Either way we could lose an entire day in the schedule.
But wont our friends recognize our names when they hear us use them?
Were only using names similar to your given names, not your full names. Besides, were you planning on using your own name in the film credits, Ukyo? Nabiki asked. You will all be using aliases as screen names. And I doubt anyone you know from Furinkan will be able get their hands on this film.
Hah! You dont know Hiroshi or Daisuke that well, do you? Ranma muttered aside.
Or Yuka, Akane returned.
Dont worry too much about it, Ronichiro assured them. Since some of you are still in school, we will have to camouflage your voices anyway. I can slightly alter the pitch of your voices so that not even your closest friends would recognize you.
With that detail settled; they went over the script in detail. They first viewed a subtitled version of the original film to get a grasp for the story.
The opening scene with Juliet Jones and the Fly Guy were creepy. The bathtub suicide scene was more so. The scene with Mr. Abaca was just too much for Ranma.
I dont get it at all, he complained. Ive fought oni before, and that Abaca-guys nothin like em! And why would commitin seppuku send ya to Hell? Isnt seppuku supposed to be a way to preserve your honor? And whats the deal with that first scene?
Ranma-kun, Kimiko explained, you must remember that this movie was made for a western audience. We are going to have to rewrite a lot of the dialogue
Why is that, Kimiko-san? Akane asked. Why cant we just use a better translation?
Ronichiro answered her, There are legal reasons, Akane-san. The only way that we could get this licensed was as an adaptation instead of as a direct translation of the original. Financially speaking, adapting it will also better suit our target audience in Japan and increase our revenue. The hentai otaku in the US and the rest of the world have a habit of just buying anything we produce and will probably attribute any differences they notice to obscure Japanese cultural attitudes.
Sad but true, Kimiko agreed. Anyway, Ranma-kun, think of Mr. Abaca as what the Christians consider a demon instead of our oni. They exist to torment the souls of people that are sent to Hell. We could imply that as a Christian, Miss Juliet Jones or rather Kazumi Maybe it would be easier to use the character names that WE will be using, ne? Ahem! Where was I? Ah, yes! We could imply that since the Kazumi character is a Christian she has to play by the Christians own rules. If she were Buddhist, Shinto or even an atheist she would have to follow different rules. But as a Christian who committed a mortal sin, the good karma she accumulated in her life is wasted.
She is damned to Hell for the sin of suicide. Lonkuh tells her this, and Kazumi rebels. She says: If I am going to Hell, then I want to go to Hell for a good reason! She asks for the chance to go back among the living so that she could do all the evil things that she never got to do.
Before Lonkuh agrees, she asks her what she will do. Since Kazumi died a virgin, she decides to explore all the things about sex that she denied herself when she was alive. Lonkuh sends Kazumi to your character, The Sensei, who teaches her all about sex. The rest of the movie shows Kazumi becoming more and more open about sex. Becoming perverted and eventually actively craving sex.
Then Lonkuh comes back and tells her that she has EARNED her place in Hell. The opening scene with Happi-sans character is reprised in the end. We see that Hell is not exactly as the Christians imagine it. Kazumis hell is to be a sex addict unable to find release unless it is with somebody else. She is doomed to spend eternity in frustration as Happi-san, the only other person with her, not only has no interest in sex, he refuses to even notice her. He spends his time listening to the buzzing of flies.
Talk about casting against type! Ukyo said in an aside to Shampoo.
Bu-- But, I cant do this part! I dont know anything about sex!
Massive facefault among the fiancées.
What! Are you trying to tell me that youre a virgin? I cant believe this! What about all those times when Shampoo . SAOTOME! Whats this about my Shampoo?!
BONK! Stupid Mousse! How many times Shampoo have to tell you? I is not yours!
After sparing a grateful nod at Shampoo, Ranma turned and retorted, Why, are you trying to tell me that youre not one, Ucchan?
Ukyo blushed and stuttered.
He then looked at Akane. When will you EVER get it through your head that I dont go lookin to make-out with Shampoo? SHES the one glompin me! Not the other way around!
Schwing! Nodoka pointed her katana at Ranma. Are you trying to tell me that you have no interest in women, Ranma?
No,no,no! Implentyinterestedingirls! Ivemade-outwithgirlsbefore!
The fiancées start to glower.
Eeep! ButIonlyevergottosecondbase! Thirdbase,tops!
What?! Genma, you hound dog! TEN YEARS! I waited ten years, and you didnt! Nodoka stormed off.
Whew! Ranma thought as he watched the fiancées calm down. Im safe! He looked on as his mother exited. Mebbe I should tell her that Pops just worked as the bouncer, he mused wryly. Nah, hell have it comin!
I suppose, Kasumi sighed, that thats one more thing that Nabiki and I will have to work with you on, Ranma
Well I guess it does count as a social skill, Nabiki observed.
RANMA AIREN RANCHAN!
I didnt do nothin!
Oh relax, you three! Do you really think Kasumi meant THAT?
Honestly! Well, we might as well watch the rest of the movie. Pay attention, Saotome. There may be a test.
Nodoka returned, with a satisfied smile on her face, just as the movie ended.
Oh, my! she uttered as she looked at the red faces on Ranma and his fiancées. Have you all been having naughty thoughts?
There was sufficient time to work on two of the scenes.
Then the others left for the Tendos while Ranma and Kasumi stayed to practice their lines for the next days taping. Nabiki returned to the studio followed by Kimiko and Ronichiro.
Ranma-baby, I have a confession to make
Why do I feel that Im not gonna like this, Nabiki?
I dont know, Saotome. Maybe because youre a little paranoid?
You cant never be paranoid enough, Nabiki. Sides youre paranoid only when someone ISNT out to get ya!
Sadly true, Saotome. Anyway, Ive got something you have to know.
This is on me, Saotome.
Now Im worried. What do I have to know, Nabiki?
Im Kimiko and Ronichiros partner in this company.
When I asked Kasumi-chan to become the seiyu, Nabiki-chan decided to join our partnership for a share, Kimiko put-in.
What they mean, Ranma-kun is that Nabiki cashed-in her college fund to put up a third of the companys capital.
That means, Saotome, that the partners share the profits of this project three ways. Thats after expenses, taxes, salaries and royalties for you seiyu.
Im glad for you then, Nabiki. You always wanted to be in business. But what does this have to do with me?
It means, Ranma-kun, that not only is the future of the School and the dojo riding on the success of this project, Nabikis future is riding on it as well.
Not only my future, Sao-- Ranma. But yours and Akanes as well.
My college fund was insufficient to pay for a full third of the company
Dont tell me that you used Akanes col
Of course not, Ranma! What kind of sister do you think I am?
I used the money from your and Akanes wedding gifts.
What? But you said that the gifts would almost be enough to fix Moms house!
Thats true, but if I didnt use the money for this thered be NO other way for us to make ALL the money we need for everything!
Why? Why did you do that, Nabiki? You had no right to touch our money!
I had no choice! Nabiki cried, tears starting to trickle down her cheeks.
I told all of you the truth the other day! Were broke and about to get broker! This is the only way short of prostitution that I could find to make the money to save us! Property taxes are coming due and Fathers stipend wont cover them. Our food budget is only good until the end of next month. After that, Kasumi and I will have to start going on compensated dates just to put food on the table and to pay the utilities!
Ranma fell onto his butt. This was a side of Nabiki that he had never seen before. Sure he suspected that she had a soft side. But he never expected to find a bloody wound.
Nabiki was openly crying in Kasumis embrace. Not anywhere as bad as Soun, but honest tears just the same. She kept whispering I had no choice! over and over.
Ranma reached out and embraced the two sisters. Hush, Nabiki-chan. It will be alright. Youll see. Ill beat this for you, I promise. And Saotome Ranma
Saotome Ranma doesnt lose, Nabiki mumbled from Kasumis arms, hiccupping slightly.
Kasumi beamed a proud smile at the two of them.
After Nabiki had had a chance to calm down and freshen-up, Ranma tentatively asked her a question.
Nabiki? I just gotta know Why did you choose working on this movie?
They have a sure thing, Ranma. With the economy as it is, and all these terrorist threats, people are looking for a cheap and safe way to keep entertained. The porn market always peaked during times of uncertainty. What better time than now?
Kimiko-sempai and Ronichiro-san wanted to take advantage of the timing, Kasumi added. Health risks are making live porn films too expensive to produce. Those risks do not exist with ero anime. They REALLY wanted to get a group like ours - with healthy, young, unknown voices who are comfortable working together - to be the seiyu.
The timing is also good in another way, Kimiko offered. The original movie is being re-released in the U.S. this winter. That always gets the interest of the hentai otaku. If we can get the first part of the movie produced by the end of the month, investors will flock to finance the rest of the series.
How are you gonna get the movie done that soon? With only Ronichiro-san and Nabiki doin the artwork, youll need Amaguriken to draw that fast!
Ronichiro ignored the cryptic reference and answered Ranma. One word: rotoscoping.
End Chapter 2.
Authors Notes: Chapter 2 finishes with the movie finally entering production. I think that Ive answered all the questions leftover from the previous chapter. But new questions appear. Does Ranma get ANY of the girls? What is Colognes plan and what does Nabiki know about it? Is Nabiki finally letting the ice melt? Or did Ranma get played again? If so, Kasumi wouldnt go along with that, would she? Rotoscoping, whats that?
Well you could google it and find out!
My thanks to the people on The Fanfiction Forum who previewed this story.
Deleted Scene Omake 2:
Ahhhh! Happi-san, pleassse! Kasumi moaned. Shlick! Shlick! Shlick!
Happi-san! Have pity on me! Cant you see how wet I am? Shlick! Shlick! Shlick!
Shhhh. Hush now, Happosai muttered. Bzzz! Bzzzzz! Bzzzzzzip!
Happi-san, I cant stand it any longer! Pleassse Shlick! Shlick! Shlick! Shlick! Shlick!
Be quiet, woman! Bzzz! Bzzz!
Happi-san, pleassse! Im begging you! Shlick! Shlick! Shlick! Touch me! I cant come unless you touch me. If you touch me we could come together!
I said be quiet! Now leave me be! Bzzzzz! Bzzzzzzip! I think these flies are trying to tell me something
And cut! Print that!
Kasumi and Happosai stepped back from the microphones, put down their scripts and looked to the control room window.
Good work, Kasumi-chan! Shlick! Shlick! Shlick! Ah? Could someone turn-off the . Shlick! Shli-- (click) Thank you, Nabiki-chan.
Kimiko turned back to the actors. As I was saying, that was good work, Kasumi-chan and Happi-kun. Its an excellent beginning to a new production when you finish the first scene in one take. This takes care or the movies opening scene. Next well do the additional lines for the movies closing scene. Cologne-chan, if you would
My Homage-to-Sexy Losers Omake:
Good work, Kasumi-chan! Shlick! Shlick! Shlick! Ah? Could someone turn-off the . Shlick! Shli-- (click) Thank you, Nabiki-chan.
Kimiko turned back to the actors. As I was saying, that Shlick! Shlick! Shlick!
Shlick! Shlick! Shlick!
Dont look at me, Nabiki said. I KNOW I turned it off.
Shlick! Shlick! Shlick! Mom! What do you think youre doing?!
(Ziiip) Fap! Fap! Fap! Gaaah! Moooom! Dont touch me there!
Ohhh? Where DO you want me to touch you then, Ranma?
Shlick! Shlick! Shlick!
Dont look at me, Nabiki said. I KNOW I turned it off.
Shlick! Shlick! Shlick! Aiyah! Great-grandmother! What you doing?!