The Devil in Miss Tendo

A Ranma ½ fanfic

by avis de rapina


Chapter 2:

‘Titles / Quotes in speech or thoughts’
Sound effects
(Script Directions)


Disclaimer haiku:
We post fics for free.
You lawyers claim infringement?
…such idiocy!

(NOW it’s 5-7-5. Thanks to BeForU for catching it.)


Summary: Well, well, well… Despite all the excitement it looks like everybody is going to let Kasumi work on this poruno movie (Excuse me! This ERO ANIME adaptation of a poruno movie.) What’s more, Ranma and company are actually going to work on it too. Honestly! Akane even said he could!


Previously: “Imouto-chan, this is my first and probably my last chance to finally get a life outside of this house. The only way that I will do this is if it is with people that I love and trust. Please give me my chance.”

Akane turned to Ranma, nodded. Together they looked up and said “I agree.”

Kasumi and Nabiki looked at each other and nodded as well. Hook, they thought.


Part I:

The auditions went well. Kasumi’s sempai, Ten’ou Kimiko, and her partner, Keoh Ronichiro were very impressed with the seiyu applicants. Kimiko was a tall, curvy blonde four or five years Kasumi’s senior and dressed in a casual-yet-elegant pantsuit. Ronichiro was a compact but wiry older man with his green hair in a ratty ponytail and dressed in a scruffy yet comfortable-looking sweater and cargo-pants combination. It was apparent that Kimiko was the public face and secret brains while Roniko did the artistic gruntwork and handled the techside of the partnership.

Roles were assigned and contracts were signed. Kasumi was, of course playing the lead. Ranma was placed opposite her in the role of ‘The Teacher’. Akane, Shampoo and Ukyo were to play ‘Female Lovers 1, 2 and 3’. Cologne got a plum role as ‘Ms. Abaca’ – the bureaucratic demon (Now there’s a redundancy!), while Happosai was assigned as the ‘Creepy Fly Guy’. Konatsu, Mousse and Nodoka were given the glamorous roles of ‘Miscellaneous Extras’. Nabiki was Kimiko’s production assistant and Ronichiro’s trainee. (All those years of reading manga and dôjinshi were finally about to pay off.)


The next day’s script meeting, though didn’t go as smoothly. Once the working scripts and copies of the production schedule were handed out, Ranma’s fiancées were quick to complain.

“What’s this? Why do I have only two days scheduled for working? And where are the rest of my lines?” It’s bad enough that I don’t get to really DO IT with Ranchan, now I don’t even get to spend more time with him!

“Yes, like Spatu-- Ukyo say! Why Shampoo no have more scenes with Ranma? Great-grandmother promised me. She said if I go along with Sneaky-girl’s plans, I get to make baby with Airen. I get to return to Nichezu with honor intact. She said that after first baby come, Airen bound to come to village… even if only to visit. We make more babies then! It no matter if Airen no love Shampoo like I want. (Sniff) It even no matter if he marry violent kitchen destroyer. Just so long as Airen love Shampoo …even a little …even once! What happening here?

“Ladies…” Nabiki called out. “May I remind you that this is ONLY the first movie? …that we have options to work in four more?”

Shampoo and Ukyo blink-blinked.

Nabiki sighed, “While this movie focuses on Kasumi, there is a good chance at a leading role for all of you.” …for all of US, she vowed.

The pair brightened and settled back. Goofy grins started to grow on their faces… Nabiki’s next words stunted that growth.

“Of course, there IS another reason for the paucity of your lines…”

“What do you mean, Nabiki?”

“I mean, Ukyo, that not only do your roles not require you to do that much work for this movie; your schedules were intended to keep you… away as much as possible.”

Shampoo and Ukyo’s faces started to cloud over.

“Oh, did I forget to mention that that’s true for Akane as well?”

The three now looked at her in confusion.

“What Nabiki means, “ Kasumi gently interceded, “is that the three of you will not be given another reason to fight over Ranma-kun.”

“B-- but, onee-chan…”

“No ‘buts’, Akane,” Nabiki resumed. “This project is too important for any of the usual craziness that you all get into. Not only do we need to make this project work to pay for the repairs, AS YOU ALL PROMISED; the contracts we signed also make us legally liable if it fails due to any fights.”

Ranma, Akane, Shampoo, Ukyo, Mousse and Konatsu looked at each other, nodded and bowed their heads to Nabiki.

“Besides,” Kasumi added, “you will all be busy at the house and dojo.”


Nabiki snorted in disgust. “Surely you don’t expect Kasumi to take care of the house at the same time that she’ll be doing most of the work on this movie? You two,” she looked to Mousse and Konatsu, “will take turns helping our father and Uncle Saotome clear away the debris from the dojo.” More like making sure that those two actually do any work at all! “And you,” she directed at Shampoo and Ukyo, “will be helping Akane around the house on alternate days.”

“Akane,” Kasumi stated, “it is well past time that you improve your kitchen and domestic skills. Auntie Nodoka and Elder Cologne have graciously agreed to teach you their secret recipes and housekeeping techniques.”

“Think of it as bridal training, Akane-chan. In fact I’d like to offer that training to all three of you girls.”

“Please don’t call it that, Auntie!” Akane said with a blush. “Although, I’ve always dreamt of making a perfect meal…”

“Huh! If you make a perfect meal it wouldn’t be a dream… it would be a miracle!” Whap! “Ite…”

“That’s another thing that we will have to address, Ranma-kun”

“Umm. Whatcha mean, Kasumi?”

“She means we’re going to have to correct your conversational and social skills, Saotome. It would be of little use to go through all this in order to fix the dojo; only to have your mouth start another fight that would destroy it all over again.”

“Hey! It wasn’t my…”

“Can you honestly say that, Ranma-kun? Can you honestly say that your words or your attitude didn’t justify this last attack of Akane’s on you?”

“Mebbe… but she didn’t hafta mallet me for that!”

(Sigh) “You’re right, Ranma. That’s why while Nabiki and I will work on your bad habits; Father, Uncle Genma and Grandfather Happosai will be training Akane in the Art to help her control her temper.”

Akane expression brightened at this. “You mean…”

“She means that you’ll learn to fight like a true heir of the Musabetsu Kakuto Ryuu,” Happosai said.

Akane glowed.

“Which means you’ll learn to use skill instead of brute force… in attacking the RIGHT target. Or ELSE…”

“Or-- Or else what?”

“Or else I’ll use the Strength-sapping Moxibustion to lock-away your power.”

Akane paled.

“It will be for your own good, Akane.” Nabiki stated. “The hits that you give Ranma or Kuno would hospitalize or even kill an ordinary person. The fact that the Hentai Horde used to attack you first is the only reason the school hasn’t suspended you yet.”


“I’d also like to extend this offer to train you two girls as well,” Happosai said.

“W-- What!” “How could you…” “What old pervert mean…” “You’re not gonna/going to get your perverted hands on my girls/Shampoo/Ukyo-sama!”


 220;They’re cute when they get all jealous and protective, aren’t they?” Happosai observed. “Don’t worry, Cologne-chan will be there with me.”

“Old freak, why are you doing this?”

“You mean aside from the fact that one of them could be marrying the heir of my School, Ranma?”

“No. I mean why are you doing THIS?” Ranma waved around the room. “You’ve been acting strangely ever since the other day at the Tendo’s. Why are you helping us? I can’t believe you really care about the School that much!”

“Believe what you will, Ranma. I do care about this School. More than you will ever know. But you’re right, there IS a reason I’m helping out.”

“And what is that reason, old freak?”

“That,” Happosai intoned, ”…is a secret!”

End Part I.


Author’s Notes: I’ve just learned that not only did a remake of ‘The Devil in Miss Jones’ come out last year; but also the original movie was re-released on video earlier this month! So not only do I have to make the usual disclaimers about neither owning Ranma ½ nor profiting from this story, I also have to state that I’m not flacking for the movie it’s going to parody. So don’t take this story as a direct endorsement of the movie. This disclamation now ends.

Kimiko Ten’ou – I couldn’t help but tease all the fanfics that named Soun’s wife Kimiko Tendo.
Ronichiro Keoh – Yes, I’m playing with you. The SM and KP puns are deliberate. Don’t worry, I’ll stop now.
Xellos’s line – OK. NOW I’ll stop.

It should be obvious by now that all fiancées are in play. I’ve made sure to leave some chance for each of them to get Ranma. But does that include Kasumi or even Nabiki? On to part two!


Summary: The gang’s got the job! Kasumi’s the seiyu for Juliet Jones in the new ero anime; and Ranma et al. were accepted as well. The fiancées won’t be spending as much time with Ranma though. They’re going to be taking care of the Tendo-ke while Kasumi’s working. Not only will Nodoka and Cologne be giving the three of them bridal training, Happosai’s agreed to teach all three of them Anything Goes! Meantime Kasumi and Nabiki get to work on Ranma’s language and people skills away from Genma’s influence. He and Soun will be too busy clearing out the dojo under Mousse and Konatsu’s guar… guidance. But Happosai has a secret… and it would appear that Cologne has one too. What could Nabiki be planning? What could she have promised them? And why does Kasumi seem to be in on it? Deeply in on it?


Part II:

After breaking off for lunch, the meeting resumed with Akane’s observation: “Hey! This script is using our names!”

“Ah, yes! Let me explain that,” Kimiko offered. “As you are not only untrained as actors, but are also family members, friends or at least well acquainted; it would be too much to expect you to remember and keep track of the names of each others’ characters. Especially in the sex scenes. If one of you were to moan the wrong name while the others were trying to keep in character, the mood could easily sour. I’ve seen it happen. The wrong name at the wrong time could either spark a jealous rage or a mass giggle-fit. Either way we could lose an entire day in the schedule.”

“But won’t our friends recognize our names when they hear us use them?”

“We’re only using names similar to your given names, not your full names. Besides, were you planning on using your own name in the film credits, Ukyo?” Nabiki asked. “You will all be using aliases as screen names. And I doubt anyone you know from Furinkan will be able get their hands on this film.”

“Hah! You don’t know Hiroshi or Daisuke that well, do you?” Ranma muttered aside.

“Or Yuka,” Akane returned.

“Don’t worry too much about it,” Ronichiro assured them. “Since some of you are still in school, we will have to camouflage your voices anyway. I can slightly alter the pitch of your voices so that not even your closest friends would recognize you.”


With that detail settled; they went over the script in detail. They first viewed a subtitled version of the original film to get a grasp for the story.

The opening scene with Juliet Jones and the Fly Guy were creepy. The bathtub suicide scene was more so. The scene with Mr. Abaca was just too much for Ranma.

“I don’t get it at all,” he complained. “I’ve fought oni before, and that Abaca-guy’s nothin’ like ‘em! And why would commitin’ seppuku send ya to Hell? Isn’t seppuku supposed to be a way to preserve your honor? And what’s the deal with that first scene?”

“Ranma-kun,” Kimiko explained, “you must remember that this movie was made for a western audience. We are going to have to rewrite a lot of the dialogue…”

“Why is that, Kimiko-san?” Akane asked. “Why can’t we just use a better translation?”

Ronichiro answered her, “There are legal reasons, Akane-san. The only way that we could get this licensed was as an adaptation instead of as a direct translation of the original. Financially speaking, adapting it will also better suit our target audience in Japan and increase our revenue. The hentai otaku in the US and the rest of the world have a habit of just buying anything we produce and will probably attribute any differences they notice to obscure Japanese cultural attitudes.”

“Sad but true,” Kimiko agreed. “Anyway, Ranma-kun, think of Mr. Abaca as what the Christians consider a demon instead of our oni. They exist to torment the souls of people that are sent to Hell. We could imply that as a Christian, Miss Juliet Jones… or rather Kazumi… Maybe it would be easier to use the character names that WE will be using, ne? Ahem! Where was I? Ah, yes! We could imply that since the Kazumi character is a Christian she has to play by the Christians’ own rules. If she were Buddhist, Shinto or even an atheist she would have to follow different rules. But as a Christian who committed a mortal sin, the good karma she accumulated in her life is wasted.

“She is damned to Hell for the sin of suicide. Lonkuh tells her this, and Kazumi rebels. She says: ‘If I am going to Hell, then I want to go to Hell for a good reason!’ She asks for the chance to go back among the living so that she could do all the evil things that she never got to do.

“Before Lonkuh agrees, she asks her what she will do. Since Kazumi died a virgin, she decides to explore all the things about sex that she denied herself when she was alive. Lonkuh sends Kazumi to your character, ‘The Sensei’, who teaches her all about sex. The rest of the movie shows Kazumi becoming more and more open about sex. Becoming perverted and eventually actively craving sex.

“Then Lonkuh comes back and tells her that she has EARNED her place in Hell. The opening scene with Happi-san’s character is reprised in the end. We see that Hell is not exactly as the Christians imagine it. Kazumi’s hell is to be a sex addict unable to find release unless it is with somebody else. She is doomed to spend eternity in frustration as Happi-san, the only other person with her, not only has no interest in sex, he refuses to even notice her. He spends his time listening to the buzzing of flies.”

“Talk about casting against type!” Ukyo said in an aside to Shampoo.

“Bu-- But, I can’t do this part! I don’t know anything about sex!”

Massive facefault among the fiancées.


“What!” “Are you trying to tell me that you’re a virgin?” “I can’t believe this! What about all those times when Shampoo….” SAOTOME! What’s this about my Shampoo?!”

BONK! “Stupid Mousse! How many times Shampoo have to tell you? I is not yours!”

After sparing a grateful nod at Shampoo, Ranma turned and retorted, “Why, are you trying to tell me that you’re not one, Ucchan?”

Ukyo blushed and stuttered.

He then looked at Akane. “When will you EVER get it through your head that I don’t go lookin’ to make-out with Shampoo? SHE’S the one glompin’ me! Not the other way around!”

Schwing! Nodoka pointed her katana at Ranma. “Are you trying to tell me that you have no interest in women, Ranma?”

“No,no,no! I’mplentyinterestedingirls! I’vemade-outwithgirlsbefore!”

The fiancées start to glower.

“Eeep! ButIonlyevergottosecondbase! Thirdbase,tops!
“Inevergottogoalltheway! Wewereneverinanyoneplacelongenoughtogetanyfurther.
“AndPopsneverl etmegointothebrothelswithhim…”

“What?! Genma, you hound dog! TEN YEARS! I waited ten years, and you didn’t!” Nodoka stormed off.

Whew! Ranma thought as he watched the fiancées calm down. I’m safe! He looked on as his mother exited. Mebbe I should tell her that Pops just worked as the bouncer, he mused wryly. Nah, he’ll have it comin’!


“I suppose,” Kasumi sighed, “that that’s one more thing that Nabiki and I will have to work with you on, Ranma”


“Well… I guess it does count as a social skill,” Nabiki observed.


“I didn’t do nothin’!”

“Oh relax, you three! Do you really think Kasumi meant THAT?”


“Honestly! Well, we might as well watch the rest of the movie. Pay attention, Saotome. There may be a test.”


Nodoka returned, with a satisfied smile on her face, just as the movie ended.

“Oh, my!” she uttered as she looked at the red faces on Ranma and his fiancées. “Have you all been having naughty thoughts?”


There was sufficient time to work on two of the scenes.

Then the others left for the Tendo’s while Ranma and Kasumi stayed to practice their lines for the next day’s taping. Nabiki returned to the studio followed by Kimiko and Ronichiro.

“Ranma-baby, I have a confession to make”

“Why do I feel that I’m not gonna like this, Nabiki?”

“I don’t know, Saotome. Maybe because you’re a little paranoid?”

“You can’t never be paranoid enough, Nabiki. ‘Sides you’re paranoid only when someone ISN’T out to get ya’!”

“Sadly true, Saotome. Anyway, I’ve got something you have to know.”

“How much?”

“This is on me, Saotome.”

“Now I’m worried. What do I have to know, Nabiki?”

“I’m Kimiko and Ronichiro’s partner in this company.”


“When I asked Kasumi-chan to become the seiyu, Nabiki-chan decided to join our partnership for a share,” Kimiko put-in.


“What they mean, Ranma-kun is that Nabiki cashed-in her college fund to put up a third of the company’s capital.”

“That means, Saotome, that the partners share the profits of this project three ways. That’s after expenses, taxes, salaries and royalties for you seiyu.”

“I’m glad for you then, Nabiki. You always wanted to be in business. But what does this have to do with me?”

“It means, Ranma-kun, that not only is the future of the School and the dojo riding on the success of this project, Nabiki’s future is riding on it as well.”

“Not only my future, Sao-- Ranma. But yours and Akane’s as well.”


“My college fund was insufficient to pay for a full third of the company…”

“Don’t tell me that you used Akane’s col…”

“Of course not, Ranma! What kind of sister do you think I am?”


“I used the money from your and Akane’s wedding gifts.”

“What? But you said that the gifts would almost be enough to fix Mom’s house!”

“That’s true, but if I didn’t use the money for this there’d be NO other way for us to make ALL the money we need for everything!”

“Why? Why did you do that, Nabiki? You had no right to touch our money!”

“I had no choice!” Nabiki cried, tears starting to trickle down her cheeks.

“I told all of you the truth the other day! We’re broke and about to get broker! This is the only way short of prostitution that I could find to make the money to save us! Property taxes are coming due and Father’s stipend won’t cover them. Our food budget is only good until the end of next month. After that, Kasumi and I will have to start going on compensated dates just to put food on the table and to pay the utilities!”

Ranma fell onto his butt. This was a side of Nabiki that he had never seen before. Sure he suspected that she had a soft side. But he never expected to find a bloody wound.

Nabiki was openly crying in Kasumi’s embrace. Not anywhere as bad as Soun, but honest tears just the same. She kept whispering “I had no choice!” over and over.

Ranma reached out and embraced the two sisters. “Hush, Nabiki-chan. It will be alright. You’ll see. I’ll beat this for you, I promise. And Saotome Ranma…”

“Saotome Ranma doesn’t lose,” Nabiki mumbled from Kasumi’s arms, hiccupping slightly.

Kasumi beamed a proud smile at the two of them.


After Nabiki had had a chance to calm down and freshen-up, Ranma tentatively asked her a question.

“Nabiki? I just gotta know… Why did you choose working on this movie?

“They have a ‘sure thing’, Ranma. With the economy as it is, and all these terrorist threats, people are looking for a cheap and safe way to keep entertained. The porn market always peaked during times of uncertainty. What better time than now?”

“Kimiko-sempai and Ronichiro-san wanted to take advantage of the timing,” Kasumi added. “Health risks are making live porn films too expensive to produce. Those risks do not exist with ero anime. They REALLY wanted to get a group like ours - with healthy, young, unknown voices who are comfortable working together - to be the seiyu.”

“The timing is also good in another way,” Kimiko offered. “The original movie is being re-released in the U.S. this winter. That always gets the interest of the hentai otaku. If we can get the first part of the movie produced by the end of the month, investors will flock to finance the rest of the series.”

“How are you gonna get the movie done that soon? With only Ronichiro-san and Nabiki doin’ the artwork, you’ll need Amaguriken to draw that fast!”

Ronichiro ignored the cryptic reference and answered Ranma. “One word: rotoscoping.”

End Chapter 2.


Author’s Notes: Chapter 2 finishes with the movie finally entering production. I think that I’ve answered all the questions leftover from the previous chapter. But new questions appear. Does Ranma get ANY of the girls? What is Cologne’s plan and what does Nabiki know about it? Is Nabiki finally letting the ice melt? Or did Ranma get played again? If so, Kasumi wouldn’t go along with that, would she? Rotoscoping, what’s that?

Well you could google it and find out!

My thanks to the people on The Fanfiction Forum who previewed this story.


Deleted Scene Omake 2:

“Ahhhh! Happi-san, pleassse!” Kasumi moaned. Shlick! Shlick! Shlick!

“Happi-san! Have pity on me! Can’t you see how wet I am? Shlick! Shlick! Shlick!

“Shhhh. Hush now,” Happosai muttered. Bzzz! Bzzzzz! Bzzzzzzip!

“Happi-san, I can’t stand it any longer! Pleassse…” Shlick! Shlick! Shlick! Shlick! Shlick!

“Be quiet, woman!” Bzzz! Bzzz!

“Happi-san, pleassse! I’m begging you!” Shlick! Shlick! Shlick! “Touch me! I can’t come unless you touch me. If you touch me we could come together!”

“I said be quiet! Now leave me be!” Bzzzzz! Bzzzzzzip! “I think these flies are trying to tell me something…”

“Ahhhh! Nooooooo!”

“And… cut! Print that!”

Kasumi and Happosai stepped back from the microphones, put down their scripts and looked to the control room window.

“Good work, Kasumi-chan!” Shlick! Shlick! Shlick! “Ah? Could someone turn-off the….” Shlick! Shli-- (click) “Thank you, Nabiki-chan.”

Kimiko turned back to the actors. “As I was saying, that was good work, Kasumi-chan and Happi-kun. It’s an excellent beginning to a new production when you finish the first scene in one take. This takes care or the movie’s opening scene. Next we’ll do the additional lines for the movie’s closing scene. Cologne-chan, if you would…”


My Homage-to-‘Sexy Losers’ Omake:

“Good work, Kasumi-chan!” Shlick! Shlick! Shlick! “Ah? Could someone turn-off the….” Shlick! Shli-- (click) “Thank you, Nabiki-chan.”

Kimiko turned back to the actors. “As I was saying, that…” Shlick! Shlick! Shlick!


Shlick! Shlick! Shlick!

“Don’t look at me,” Nabiki said. “I KNOW I turned it off.”

Shlick! Shlick! Shlick! “Mom! What do you think you’re doing?!”

(Ziiip) Fap! Fap! Fap! “Gaaah! Moooom! Don’t touch me there!”

“Ohhh? Where DO you want me to touch you then, Ranma?”


I’m-a-sick-bastard-and-I’ll-rot-in-Hell Omake:

Shlick! Shlick! Shlick!

“Don’t look at me,” Nabiki said. “I KNOW I turned it off.”

Shlick! Shlick! Shlick! “Aiyah! Great-grandmother! What you doing?!”


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