The place was Skuldylon 5, the last, best hope for evil in this story. Dark Queen Skuld had fled the real world to hide in the story world, hoping somehow she might pull off a victory. They can't throw EVERYTHING at me, she reckoned. She was wrong... Dark Commander Sinclair bowed before Dark Queen Skuld on her dark throne, in the land of Skuldylon 5, where the Ice cream lies...Well, sits in the refrigerator until eaten, anyway. "What is your plan, my Dark Queen? Shall we attack the M'bari?" She blinked, wondering what he was talking about. Perhaps if she'd actually had time to watch his show before cloning him..."When they arrive, kill them all." "What if they don't come?" "They will." He nodded. "If the M'bari come, kill them." She shook her head no. "No, if the Senshi come, kill them." "Right. If the Senshi come, kill the M'bari." "No, no don't kill THEM!" "Right. If the Senshi come, don't kill the M'bari." "Kill the Senshi instead." "Instead of what?" "Instead of Killing them!" "How can I kill the Senshi instead of killing the Senshi?" Dark Queen Skuld screamed in frustration and distintegrated Dark Sinclair, then activated Dark Sheridan for another tilt at the list. *************************************** Lemon Sherbet 13: "Everyone dies." or "A Typical Sailor Moon Season Ending" Aka The Final Chapter of Lemon Sherbet ************************************** Biles was back in control to the extent that he was EVER in control. In other words, they occassionally paid attention to him. "So, we've basically blown almost the entire budget on this travesty of insane plots and mad passionate sex?" Akemi nodded. "That about sums it up. Also, the cast has threatened to strike if they don't get to have another on-screen orgy." Biles sighed. "Time to go apply for more money to do this RIGHT. Rachel..this was supposed to be yours to direct. You want to extract the last drop of blood from Dark Queen Skuld?" Rachel nodded. "She'll be good to the last drop, no doubt." Biles said, "I also have to see about getting Urd and Belldandy de-evilized. Akemi, help Rachel out. Kahm, come with me...we have work to do." Akemi smiled. I'll have to flee soon, but I can do a little damage before I go... ************************************** It wasn't every day that the Queen of the Earth was pressed up against a wall with her skirt down around her ankles as someone lifted her off the ground with his powerful manhood. Normally, this only happened on one day out of the year. A day she chose to remember by pretending it had never happened. The man who had her up against the wall was not her husband, although he did legally qualify as one of her concubines, so it was legal and moral. Well, it didn't bother either of them. They'd been doing this for centuries on this day, though usually they weren't in an alleyway when they did it. Serenity moaned. "Oh, yes, more...more...more...touch my...oh, yes...oh...oh..." He was only half-listening, not because he didn't care, but when you've made love to someone thousands of times, you've heard it all thousands of times. He didn't talk much during sex, except for moaning, which was basically obligatory. Right about now is when she grabs my pigtail, he thought. He was right. She always grabbed his pig-tail right as she orgasmed. She came and shuddered. The wall cracked as her butt slapped into it. He came in reaction, then they both sagged in each other's arms. He whispered into her ear. "Perhaps we'd better go somewhere we won't be spotted, Usagi-chan. So we can spend some quiet time together." His voice was deep and matured by a thousand years of life. Being forced to take 2000 hours of sensitivity classes by his wives hadn't hurt either. Ranma leaned forward and kissed Serenity on the ear. She smiled and said, "We might want to get your asoko out of me first." He blushed and quickly disengaged. They pulled their clothing back into place, just in case anyone was in Ranma's bedroom when they arrived. They took each other's hands and quietly teleported across the city. As luck would have it, the bedroom was actually not being used, which was pretty rare in the Crystal Dojo, as Ranma's house was known. Being an official concubine of the Queen of the Earth had its privileges. Ranma was technically Duke Ranma, and recieved a hefty revenue from the tax on all other dojos but his. This was enough to support himself, his wives, their concubines, his friends, their friends, his lazy relatives, their lazy relatives, and the children. He and Serenity quickly stripped and clambered into bed together. It's a natural law that this sort of talk has to be conducted naked in bed, if only so people can walk in on you and see you naked. They talked of many things. Mostly, they talked of the people they knew, places they had been, memories they had shared. This was a day for Serenity to forget that she was Serenity, a day on which only Usagi existed. It was her way of remembering who she had once been. Usagi was dead now. She couldn't afford to be Usagi anymore. This was the anniversary of the day she had been given back her memories by Luna, the day Usagi had died, in a sense. Every year, she snuck out of the palace and ran about the city, trying to live her life as if becoming a Sailor had never happened. Every year, Ranma followed her to keep her out of trouble, and every year they ended up making out somewhere. It had all become a game they played. Time passed and talking turned into smooching, and smooching turned into making out again. Naturally enough, it was right as Ranma was very intently impaling Usagi with his warrior of love that the bedroom door opened and two of Ranma's kids walked in. They were Ranko and Kaneda, five year old twins, one a boy, the other a girl...at least until they got wet. They sprinted in and vaulted up onto Ranma's back. "Hi, Auntie Usagi. Daddy! We wanna play Horsie!" Usagi began to laugh. Ranma just tried to not die of embarrassment. "Not right now." "But you let us play last time when you were with Mommy!" Ranma briefly wished he had learned some sort of spectacular suicide Martial arts manuever. "..." Usagi laughed. "Come back after you hear me screaming your daddy's name and I'll tell you a story, okay?" "Okay!" They both hugged Usagi and ran off. Ranma had turned beet red and gone limp. "Oy..." She smiled. "This just means we get to have more fun." Pretty soon, they did. Finally, Usagi screamed "RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!" and came, as did Ranma. About one second later, before Ranma's erection even stopped, the twins sprinted in. "Tell us a story!" Usagi giggled. "I wish I had kids like you." Ranma laughed. "You do, but you keep sending them to bug yourself in the past." She paused. This was true. "Anyway, your Daddy and I are going to tell you a story...." ************************************** Ami's computer search finally located Dark Queen Skuld's base. Not that it mattered, because the Senshi were...distracted. The stage had finally been sent for the First 'Annual?' Senshi Sexual Endurance Contest, as foreshadowed way back in Episode 5. It had taken some effort to round up enough people, especially since the Senshi had grown in numbers. Ami had printed out a chart: Setsuna - Rudolph Valentino (Ahh, the advantages of Time Travel) Hotaru - Gosunkugi Michiru - Haruka Makoto - Ukyou Rei - Yuiichiro Usagi - Mamoru Minako - Steven Ami - Ryouga Akane - Ranma Unfortunately, as the Jyusenkyo guide would put it, this was about to be a 'very tragic story.' After the first hour, Rei, Usagi, and Hotaru were out of the running. In fact, Hotaru had been eliminated after five minutes. Gosunkugi had passed out from a severe nosebleed and Hotaru's healing power had been insufficient to help. She was now at the Hospital getting him a transfusion. As if that wasn't tragic enough, after two hours, Rudolph Valentino concluded the movie must be over and ran off, forcing Setsuna to chase him off screen. Meanwhile, Michiru and Haruka, well...got their tongues stuck. They had TOO much fun explaining THAT ONE to the paramedics. The disadvantages of having tight muscles and firm bodies...very tragic story. Steven went dry after three hours, so he and Minako got eliminated. Makoto and Ukyou finally gave out after another half an hour. They lay exhausted in each other's arms. It was down to Ami and Ryouga vs. Ranma and Akane. It was at this point that they got the usual ten minute soda and snack break, according to the Queensbury rules. While everyone took a moment to refresh themselves, Dark Sheridan finally figured out that by pushing the red button on the Skuldylon 5 control panel, you could activate a really cool looking laser beam. Unfortunately, Ryouga was in the way. Well, so was the Earth, but the Earth was too big to kill. With really neat sound effects, a bolt of light stabbed down and vaporized Ryouga. This meant WAR!!!! And an opportunity to pay tribute to Akira. *************************************************************************** The Senshi gathered their forces. They called in everyone. The Inner Senshi. The Outer Senshi. The Asteroid Senshi. The Sailor Stars. Heck, even the Legion of Substitute Senshi. The hardest part was doing a Roll call and trying to fit everyone into the split-screen. That and the stock footage for the transformation sequence took a half hour. Not to mention arguing over who got to transform in what order. Using Ami's adjusted coordinates, they Sailor Teleported (patent pending) onto one of the grand promenades of Skuldylon 5. Then Dark Queen Skuld's Nega-Bomb went off, killing them all. ************************************************************************* Rachel scowled. "I don't think so, Akemi." "But then their ghosts could throttle Skuld and..." "Let's try that AGAIN, shall we?" *************************************************************************** The Senshi gathered their forces. They called in everyone. The Inner Senshi. The Outer Senshi. The Asteroid Senshi. The Sailor Stars. Heck, even the Legion of Substitute Senshi. The hardest part was doing a Roll call and trying to fit everyone into the split-screen. That and the stock footage for the transformation sequence took a half hour. Not to mention arguing over who got to transform in what order. Using Ami's adjusted coordinates, they Sailor Teleported (patent pending) onto one of the grand promenades of Skuldylon 5. Luckily, it was the one that was NOT rigged to explode. Instead, it simply released 500 brainsucking monsters that resembled a mixture of Devilled ham, Jello, Peas, and old shoelaces, blended to taste. Mercury checked her computer. "Hmm. Cafeteria Food that has been left out too long." "Are you sure Akane didn't make these?" Callisto asked. Sailor Hammerspace punted Callisto into the midst of the monsters. "Callisto no Baka!" Tuxedo Callisto went to work, leaping from slimy monster to slimy monster to...well, slimy monster. Soon the hallway was strewn with goo and Sailor Callisto was a sticky mess. Sailor Callisto howled. "I've been SLIMED!" Everyone laughed. "Stop laughing!" Sailor Mercury said, "I'll fix you right up. SHABON SPRAY, WITH LIQUID IRISH SPRING!" A cloud of soapy mist settled onto Sailor Callisto, swiftly cleaning her off and leaving her smelling minty fresh. They soon were on their way, following Sailor Mercury as her computer tracked down Dark Queen Skuld. ********************************************************************** Dark Queen Skuld frowned. She turned to Commander Dark Sheridan. "Find Wasyuuite. Tell her to unleash Ryouko on them." "Ryouko's out on a date." "Have her unleash the army of Mecha-Ryoukos!" "They're on a date too." Dark Queen Skuld tried not to think about that. "Tell Washuuite to DO something! ANYTHING!" "As you command." He left to find Washuuite. ********************************************************************* The senshi walked tensely through the hallways of the space station. Mercury's computer began to ping. "Incoming enemies. Fifty meters. Forty Meters. Thirty Meters. Twenty Meters. There's six of them. Ten Meters...." The six youma came around the corner. Three were male, three female. A wave of revulsion struck the senshi. Uranus whispered in disgust and revulsion. "It's the cast of FRIENDS! KILL THEM QUICK!" First everyone transformed to Super Sailors, just to be sure. Luckily, only a few of the Sailors could do this, so it only took fifteen minutes for the transformation sequences. Then came the split screen from Hell: "MERCURY AQUA RHAPSODY!" "VENUS LOVE AND BEAUTY SHOCK!" "MARS FLAME SNIPER!" "STAR BOLT!" "JUPITER OAK EVOLUTION!" "SILENCE GLAIVE SURPRISE!" "FRIENDS NO BAKA!" "SPACE SWORD BLASTER!" "SUBMARINE REFLECTION!" "dead scream," Pluto whispered. Sailor Dust Particle #567498-b shouted, "Micronautical transformation conflation!" She shrank to the size of a speck and began drifting on the air currents. Sailor Charon simply charged forward with her sycthe, shouting, "THREE WORD ATTACK!" "MAGNETIC ATTRACTION!" "ROARING LION BULLET SQUARED!" "COMETARY FIELD EMISSION!" "LET'S GO, LEGIONAIRRES!" "SACRED SPATULA BARRAGE!" "Titan Titan Titan Mind Read Titan Baked Beans!" Sailor Titan suddenly could read the minds of the six youma friends. Well, if they had minds, she could have read them. "Fried Shrimp Attack!" "DIESER EST EINEN GELBEN HUND!" Sailor Hermes used her power to quickly speed OUT of the way of all the incoming attacks. Sailor Star Maker shouted "STAR GENTLE UTERUS!" She shouted "STAR GENTLE UTERUS!" like there was no tomorrow. "TWINKLE YELL!" "SHERIFF LOBO!" "HUNKA HUNKA BURNING LOVE!" Tuxedo Elvis popped up briefly, fired a blast of flame, and left in a riff from 'Blue Moon'. "MEGADEATH!" "Oh, I am the very model of a modern major general..." "STAR SERIOUS LASER!" "STAR SENSITIVE INFERNO!" Sailor Star Healer basted Sailor Star Maker while everyone was distracted. That's enough of that tacky idiot, she thought. Tuxedo Kamen, as usual, threw a rose without shouting. "Starlight Honeymoon Therapy Kiss!!!!" The split screen ended with Sailor Moon's REALLY COMPLICATED AND LONG attack! All of the senshi coughed as the vast clouds of dust kicked up by the attack obscured their vision. "I think we overdid it a little," Sailor Mercury said. Soon, the cloud of dust parted. There was nothing left of the Friends, but 6 pairs of smoking boots. And there was MUCH rejoicing. ********************************************************************* For hours, the Senshi had been wandering through trackless wastes...uh, through identical metal hallways with doors that make wooshing noises when they open. Finally, they came to a door labeled, "Deathtrap and Coffee Shop." Ami's computer indicated the way to get where they wanted to go was through here, so they ignored common sense and went in. The coffee shop bore a suspicious resemblence to Ten-Forward from ST:TNG, if you replaced Guinan with Robby the Robot from Lost in Space. He was busilly serving an attractive woman with long wavy white hair and a rather revealing, vaguely medieval costume. She was carrying a huge staff that looked like an ornate wind-up key. Sailor Callisto stared at her, hoping she would end up in in bed with her somehow. Sailors Hammerspace, Spatula, and Jupiter clonked Callisto in the head in unison. The robot spilled coffee on her as it began to flail around wildly. "Warning Ifurita Robinson! DANGER, DANGER!!!!!" Its wildly gyrating arms smacked her in the head. She sighed and clonked it with her staff. It fell down and continued flailing about on the floor. Ifurita turned to the group. "Hmm. I've rarely killed this many people before...in a coffeeshop." "Surrender now and you won't get hurt! You don't have a chance of fighting us all!" Sailor Moon said. Ifurita laughed. "Give me your best shot. You don't have a chance, meatball head." Sailor Moon leaped forward, feet first at Ifurita. "SAILOR MOON KICK!" she shouted. Ifurita casually stepped aside and let Sailor Moon crash into the bottles behind the bar. Dozens of kinds of alcohol flowed together, forming the world's most wicked mixed drink on the floor, soon intoxicating the carpet. Glass flew everywhere, sending sailors dodging like mad. Sailor Moon fell on Robby, her uniform scratched and torn by glass, yet mysteriously her flesh was untouched, so the kiddies wouldn't cry. Sailor Mars shouted, "You think you're tough, eh? GET HER!!!!!" First everyone transformed to Super Sailors, just to be sure. Luckily, only a few of the Sailors could do this, so it only took fifteen minutes for the transformation sequences. Then came the split screen from Hell: "MERCURY AQUA RHAPSODY!" "VENUS LOVE AND BEAUTY SHOCK!" "MARS FLAME SNIPER!" "STAR BOLT!" "JUPITER OAK EVOLUTION!" "SILENCE GLAIVE SURPRISE!" "SOYLENT GREEN IS PEOPLE!" "SPACE SWORD BLASTER!" "SUBMARINE REFLECTION!" Pluto ran out of the room, knowing what came next. Sailor Dust Particle #567498-b shouted, "Micronautical transformation conflation!" She shrank to the size of a speck and began drifting on the air currents. Sailor Charon simply charged forward with her sycthe, shouting, "THREE WORD ATTACK!" "MAGNETIC ATTRACTION!" "ROARING LION BULLET SQUARED!" "COMETARY FIELD EMISSION!" "GIVE ME LIBERTY OR GIVE ME DEATH!!" "SACRED SPATULA BARRAGE!" "Titan Titan Titan Mind Read Titan Baked Beans!" Sailor Titan suddenly could read the mind of Ifurita. She could hear Ifurita mentally laughing. She immediately ran and hid. "Fried Shrimp Attack!" "DONDE ESTA EL BANO?!" Sailor Hermes used her power to quickly speed OUT of the way of all the incoming attacks. Sailor Star Maker shouted "STAR GENTLE UTERUS!" She shouted "STAR GENTLE UTERUS!" like there was no tomorrow. "TWINKLE YELL!" "BOOT TO THE HEAD!" "HUNKA HUNKA BURNING LOVE!" Tuxedo Elvis popped up briefly, fired a blast of flame, and left in a riff from 'Jail House Rock'. "SPOON!" "Just call me Angel, of the morning, angel...just..." "STAR SERIOUS LASER!" "STAR SENSITIVE INFERNO!" Sailor Star Healer basted Sailor Star Maker AGAIN, because he hadn't actually died last time. Tuxedo Kamen, as usual, threw a rose without shouting. Sailor Moon tried to pick herself up off the floor. All of the senshi coughed as the vast clouds of dust kicked up by the attack obscured their vision. "I think we overdid it a little," Sailor Mercury said. Soon, the cloud of dust parted. Ifurita stood undamaged amongst the billowing cloud of dust, though the bar was blown to bits, the carpet was a pile of ash, and the table next to her resembled a car left in a blast furnace for two long. She finished eating a Snickers bar and said, "My turn." Everyone stared in horror as she raised the Power Key high and said, "Die." A raging inferno of power, combining all of the attacks that had been used on her erupted through the room. Sailor Mercury was flung across the room like a cute little blue haired tumbleweed. Venus and Mars ended up tied into a knot against the far wall. Sailor Jupiter and Tuxedo Callisto ended up in one corner with a table on top of them, both of them smoking like the aftermath of a dynamite explosion in a Bugs Bunny cartoon. Sailor Uranus was flung out the door and down the hallway, then had the misfortune to land at the top of a staircase and roll all the way down it, bouncing on every step, while losing her grip on her sword, which flew down a dumbwaiter chute. Sailor Neptune's mirror flew up in the blast and shattered on her forehead, giving her a bad headache and seven years of bad luck. She also passed out. Sailor Pluto had mysteriously known to run out of the room and hide in the hallway, so she was just fine. Sailor Dust Particle #567498-b was vaporized into a fine mist of even tinier particles. Sailor Charon got cut in half with her own glaive, which then was magnetically attracted to Sailor Van Allen Belt, chopping her up as well. They both vanished in a spray of cheesy special effects. Sailor Oort Cloud should have died, but the passing glaive on its way to kill Sailor Van Allen Belt deflected the blast, which killed Kid Quantum, who was passing by. He sighed and died for the third time. The passing scythe also saved Sailor Spatula, who emerged unharmed from the blast. Sailor Titan, meanwhile, had gone and hidden in the hallway with Pluto. There was nothing left of Tuxedo Umino Kamen but a smoking top hat. Sailor Berlitz Course left nothing behind but a manual for learning Spanish. Sailor Hermes dodged every single attack AND stole Ifurita's second Snickers bar and ate it while she was distracted by watching the results of her attacks. Sailor Star Maker was already weakened by two attacks from Sailor Star Healer. Sailor Star Maker died. Sailor Star Maker died like there was no tomorrow, because there wasn't. Sailor Chibi-Moon evaporated into a fine pink mist, but she was still annoying, because now she smelled bad. Ifurita failed to make a Tuxedo Elvis sighting, but she did kill the master of Tae Kwan Leep. The Tick, on the other hand, was completely unhurt by the phantasmagoric blast, but being easily bored, simply wandered off. Kim Carnes died screaming and never finished singing 'Angel of the Morning'. Sadly, this did not dispose of her recordings of it. Sailor Star Fighter leaped on top of Sailor Moon to protect her and grab a quick feel while everyone was distracted. Sailor Star Healer's last words alive were, "That blast is sooooo tacky!" Pretty soon her twisted remains were even more tacky. Meanwhile, Tuxedo Kamen hurled a barrage of roses, protecting himself and Sailor Moon, as well as Sailor Star Figher. He then started beating on Sailor Star Fighter with his cane. "Get off my GIRLFRIEND!" Ifurita laughed. A majority of the Sailors were unconscious, dead, or fled. Three of them were now duking it out with each other. Only Sailor Spatula, Sailor Oort Cloud, and Sailor Hermes remained in the room, while Sailor Titan and Sailor Pluto hid outside. This should be easy. She reached to take another bite of her Snickers bar. It was...GONE! Sailor Hermes laughed and handed her the wrapper. "You lose." Suddenly, she realized Tuxedo Umino Kamen was dead. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!", she screamed. Ifurita laughed. "You're next, kid. No one lays a finger on my Butterfingers!" "It was a Snickers bar," Sailor Oort Cloud pointed out. "Whatever." She raised her key again, when Mizuhara Makoto walked in. "WHAT are you doing? We're going to be late for the premiere of the Empire Strikes Back re-issue! You were supposed to be home an hour ago!" "But dear, there were intruders and..." Makoto dragged Ifurita out of the room. "Come on! We're going to be late! You don't get paid extra for overtime, anyway." The remaining Sailors facefaulted. **************************************************************************** The remaining Sailors regrouped. "Sailor Roll Call!" Sailor Moon shouted, to give the animators an excuse to use more stock footage head shots and end of transformation poses. "Sailor Mercury." "Sailor Mars!" "Sailor Venus! Anyone got an aspirin?" "Sailor Neptune, who wants in on that Tylenol action." "Sailor Jupiter!" "Sailor Oort Cloud, not quite dead yet!" "Sailor Titan, still hiding in the hallway!" "Sailor Pluto, and I knew you would say that." "Sailor Spatula at your service!" "Sailor Saturn." "Sailor Hammerspace." Sailor Hammerspace began singing 'If I had a hammer' until everyone clonked her in the head with a table. "Sailor Hermes! My boyfriend is DEAD, WAAAAH!!!!" "Tuxedo Callisto! Maybe I can help you with that!" Hammerspace, Jupiter, and Spatula flattened her in unison. "Sailor Star Fighter, aka, Sailor Moon's boyfriend." "Tuxedo Kamen, Sailor Moon's REAL boyfriend!" He and Sailor Star Fighter started duking it out again. "Sailor Moon, who knows that one way or another, she's getting laid tonight!" She smiled. "Right. Let's split up into teams so we can picked off more efficiently." Everyone nodded, except Mercury who said, "Isn't that a bad thing?" "Oh, good point. Let's split into teams so we can search the ship faster." "Now that makes sense." After peeling Uranus off the bottom of the stairs and waking her up, they soon made the division. ************************************************************************** The outers, plus Sailor Star Fighter, set out down the left hallway. "Why can't I go with Usagi-chan," Star Fighter grumbled. Pluto sighed. "We made sure that no one would be able to wander off and get laid while the rest of us are being killed off. So you're staying with us." Saturn said quietly, "You shouldn't have put Neptune-mama and Fighter-kun together then." Uranus said, "WHAT?" Neptune clapped a hand over Saturn's mouth. "She was only teasing, dear." "Yeah, we haven't had sex in over a week," Sailor Star Fighter said. "We were too worried that you'd find out." She paused and wondered why she had been dumb enough to say that. "You betrayed me!" Uranus shouted. "WORLD SHAKING!" She turned and blew a hole in Sailor Star Fighter's chest. Neptune stared. "You were sleeping with him too?" Uranus shook with rage. Neptune shouted, "You SLUT!" She turned to Uranus and blew her in half. Pluto sighed. Let's try that again. FLICKER. ***************************************************************************** The outers, plus Sailor Star Fighter, set out down the left hallway. "Why can't I go with Usagi-chan," Star Fighter grumbled. Pluto sighed. "We made sure that no one would be able to wander off and get laid while the rest of us are being killed off. So you're staying with us." She then whirled and rapped Saturn on the head, knocking her out. Everyone else blinked, then shrugged. She usually had a good reason for everything she did. Sailor Star Fighter said, "Why are those two lovebirds together, then?" "Because if we seperated them, one of them would have just snuck off and followed the other one. Also, we can use them to test pit depths for us." "Good idea." "HEY!" *************************************************************************** Sailors Moon, Mercury, Titan, and Mars walked down a dark, ominous hallway. Creepy music began to play in the background. "Hmm. I think we're heading into a trap," Mercury said. "Geez, what was your first clue? The music from Halloween III playing in the background?" Mars asked. Mercury pointed to the sign on the wall, "Trap this way, 30 meters." Sailor Moon nodded. "Let's go that way instead." They turned off down a side hallway labelled, 'Ice cream, 30 meters.' Sailor Moon sprinted forward, "ICE CREAM!" Titan frowned, "Captain, I sense hostility." Mars blinked. "Captain?" "Sorry, union regulations require I say that." At the end of the hallway was an ice cream shop. Sailor Moon ran in and got a huge 20 scoop high cone. The shop had 3,000 flavors. Overwhelmed by temptation, they ran in and began to eat and eat and eat. Then the ice cream converted to anti-matter in their stomachs. BOOM. *************************************************************************** Hermes, Oort Cloud, Tuxedo Kamen, and Venus fought desperately. "WE MAKE HOLES IN TEETH!" chanted the legions of Cavity Creeps attacking them. It seemed that all hope was lost. They had Hermes pinned down and were pouring a vat of plaque into her mouth, while they were beating Tuxedo Kamen with his own walking stick, kicking Oort Cloud while she was down and using Sailor Venus as a football. Remember that comet that started heading towards Earth way back when Sailor Oort Cloud first used her powers? It now arrived and crashed into the space station, right through the wall of the room our heros were in. Cavity Creeps blew out into deep vaccum. So did the Sailors... unfortunately for the Creeps, they need air to live, unlike our heros. Can you say Explosive Decompression? I knew you could. ************************************************************************** Uranus and Neptune looked around. "This place is boring." "It has no style." Neptune replied. "Let's leave." Uranus said. "We're going to miss Jerry Springer if we stay much longer, anyway." "Hey, what about the mission?" Sailor Star Fighter asked. "We'll come back later and stand around and do nothing useful like in the second half of S. Besides, if we stay, we'll just get killed, and why die when we could be having mad passionate sex?" Uranus said. Pluto again pounded Saturn flat for no apparent reason. She was however, somewhat surprised when they took Sailor Star Fighter WITH them. Saturn, on the other hand, was smug. *************************************************************************** Sailor Moon, Mercury, and Mars staggered out of the cafe, smoke trailing from their mouths. "You know, Moon, for once I'm glad I've had to eat your cooking. Now I can survive ANY kind of stomach upset." Mercury nodded. "Poor Titan...we lost her because she'd never suffered through one of your dinners. I guess it was all worth it. Maybe." Sailor Moon slapped them both around with the Sexy Moon Sceptre for several minutes. **************************************************************************** Tuxedo Kamen and Venus fled through the blast door, which sealed off the room they had been in. Oort Cloud and Hermes were now trapped on the comet, which was heading back for deep space. "Alas, poor Hermes, I knew her well." Tuxedo Kamen said. "Usagi's not going to be happy." "NOT IN THE BIBLICAL SENSE!" ***************************************************************************** ***************************************************************************** Dark Queen Skuld was not happy. She was also hiding in her freezer, gobbling down massive amounts of ice cream. It might not be dignified for a Master Villainess, but she didn't care! Everything was going wrong! It wasn't fair for all of them to pick on her! She struggled to hold back sobs as she shoveled another spoonful of Cookies'n'Cream into her mouth. Where were her big sisters when she needed them? The door to the freezer opened and Dark Sheridan stuck his head in. "My Queen? The Senshi are still advancing. We've taken out a few of them, but our monsters seem ineffective." Dark Queen Skuld stopped eating and looked at him. "What do you suggest?" she asked imperiously, sniffling a little. (If you wonder how she can do both, she just can. She is a goddess, after all.) "I could go to their home planet and call down a starship loaded with nuclear weapons in a suicidal gesture of defiance and then be rescued at the last moment by an enigmatic alien." Skuld flung a spoonful of ice cream at him, splattering it all over his uniform. "That's STUPID! Where did you get an idea like that? It sounds like something Stracynskiite would come up with!" Dark Sheridan shuffled his feet uncomfortably. "Besides, we don't have the budget for it. My big sisters spent it all on those stupid youma! It's all Keiichi's fault! He convinced Belldandy to buy them!" She shoved another spoonful of dessert into her mouth savagely. She was running out of options. Then, with her patented evil smile, she turned back to Dark Sheridan. "Release..." She paused for the standard Evil Dramatic Pause. Dark Sheridan waited... and waited. Finally, he asked, "My Queen?" "Darn it! I forgot what I was going to say during the stupid pause!" "Was I to release some secret weapon?" Dark Sheridan offered. "That's it! Release Weapon K!" "Weren't you supposed to pause again?" "STOP PICKING ON ME AND DO IT!!!" ***** The Sailors, what were left of them, paused to catch their breath in a dark and quiet corner of Skuldylon Five. Actually, all the corners of S5 were dark and quiet, because Dark Queen Skuld had left it to Foglerite to pay the light bills. The Night! The Beautiful Night! All was not going well, and the new Sailors were somewhat shaken. Splitting up to search had only gotten about half the cast killed, not that sticking together had done much better. At least now they were reunited. "Have you located the Bridge yet, Mercury?" Sailor Callisto asked, while trying to comfort Sailor Hammerspace. Hammerspace was sobbing quietly, not being hardened to all of the death and destruction. "Sailor Mercury quickly shut down her Civilization II game and said, "Not yet. I think it's somewhere near the front of the station. What do you think, Sailor Moon?" Mercury turned to see Sailor Moon, Sailor Mars, and Tuxedo Kamen were all deep in... a discussion. Pluto, Saturn, and Sailor Spatula were watching with equal parts arousal and disgust. Sailor Venus looked like she REALLY wished Steven was here, and Sailor Jupiter was making some comment about how her old boyfriend used to do that. "WILL YOU STOP THAT!" Mercury screamed, causing everyone to jump back in surprise. Normally, Mercury was the calmest among them, but having your boyfriend vaporized before he could bring you to orgasm for the hundred and twelfth time would make anyone crabby. Mercury was seeing red. Ryouga was DEAD and these jerks were making out! She reached out and a giant mallet appeared in her hands. "USAGI NO BAKA!" she screamed, swinging mightily. "REI NO BAKA! MAMORU NO BAKA!" "Whoa," Sailor Callisto said. "Who would have thought Ami-chan could be so uncute?" "RANMA NO BAKA!" Hammerspace ground out, promptly malleting her fiance. Everyone else just sweatdropped at how much alike Mercury and Hammerspace were. Well, except for those being malleted. Suddenly, theme music began to play and everyone went on guard, expecting an attack. Instead, all they heard was a maniacal cackle. "I know that laugh," Sailor Jupiter said, shuddering. "Oh, that this too, too solid flesh would melt, before I must raise warlike hand and fierce visage against my loves," came another voice from the darkness surrounding them. "Yet the flesh must move as the spirit wills, and needs must abide--" "Kunou-sempai," Sailor Callisto said flatly, as everyone tuned out the rest of Kunou's speech. The Kunou siblings stepped into the light, both slightly changed. Kunou's kendo garb was now all black, and his sword had a silvery sheen to it that seemed to sparkle in the light. Kodachi's leotard was also black, with black roses embroidered on it, but she had strange, high- tech bracers on her arms and legs, and held a small tube in place of her normal ribbon. As they watch, the tube suddenly elongated to about two meters in length. "HOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO! Senshi, taste the thorn of the Black Rose!" Kodachi cackled, swinging her Minbari Fighting Staff, which of course is the ultimate evolution of the dread Pointed Stick. Sailor Pluto and Sailor Saturn both sprang at the deranged gymnast, intent on blocking the staff with the Time Staff or the Silence Glaive. Unfortunately, they neglected to tell each other they were doing it, and collided in midair. Sailor Pluto groaned. Another moment of her life to re-edit so she would look cool-- Sailor Pluto and Sailor Saturn both sprang at the deranged gymnast, intent on blocking the staff with the Time Staff or the Silence Glaive. Seeing Saturn was in motion, Pluto wisely hung back, to see how the younger senshi fared. (Ain't time travel cool? :) The Silence Glaive met Kodachi's staff with a loud CRACK! Silently, the two began to struggle for dominance. Meanwhile, Kunou was facing the other Sailors. "Oh, how it pains me to raise my blade against the fair sex, but I must do as my Queen demands, for such is the honor of the scion of House Kunou." "Oh, just put a sock in it!" Sailor Venus shouted, jumping at the kendo champion. "VENUS LOVE ME--" Faster than the eye could follow, Kunou's new sword flashed out and struck Sailor Venus, its tip grazing her stomach. Venus's eyes flew open as it cut into her skin, her sailor fuku turning red with blood. Dropping to the ground, she clutched at it, trying to stem the bleeding. "VENUS!" everyone yelled. (I'm not going to list them again, you know who all is here.) "Oh, my blonde-haired love, how it pains me to have wounded you, but I must defeat you!" He gazed dully at his weapon. "While this sword of adamantiumwood is truly fitting a warrior of my prowess, I curse that it should first draw the blood of my love--" "SHUT UP!" Sailor Venus shouted, trying to stand. She vomited blood and had to slump back to the ground. Mercury whipped her computer out and ran a scan. It was not good. Kunou's blade had sliced open Venus's lower intestines, somehow, and the young senshi would die soon of massive blood loss unless she received immediate medical attention. "Fight me, Kunou-sempai!" Hammerspace yelled, jumping in front of her fiance. "No, me!" Callisto added, jumping in front of Hammerspace. "Ah, the fair Tendo Akane, the lovely pig-tailed girl," Kunou stated. Everyone was startled. he could recognize them? Maybe he was too stupid for the disguise magic to work. "You must love me well, to challenge me. Very well, I shall date with you both!" He raised his blade. ***** Meanwhile, Kodachi was slowly forcing Saturn back, her bracers glowing as she pushed. Saturn was amazed that a normal human could overpower her. Pluto was stepping forward to lend a hand when something flew between the two combatants and embedded itself in the floor. Everyone stopped and looked at it. It was a voodoo doll. Looking up, they saw a skinny figure in an ill-fitting tuxedo and a mask. The dark circles under his eyes proclaimed his identity, if the doll wasn't enough of a clue. "Don't worry, Sailor Saturn! Tuxedo Voodoo is here!" said Gosunkugi Hikaru as loudly and forcefully as he could. Which wasn't very. "Hikaru-kun!" Saturn exclaimed, hearts in her eyes. "Oh, please," Kodachi said. She pointed at him and a nasty- looking blaster popped out of her bracer and vaporized the voodooist. "HIKARU-KUN!" Saturn screamed. She turned back on her opponent. "You BITCH! DEATH RIBBON REVOLUTION!" Dozens of dark ribbons erupted toward the gymnast. "HOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO! You would match ribbons with ME?" Kodachi said. spinning her staff. As the ribbons struck it, she spun it as fast as she could, wrapping them around the staff. Then, with an expert flick of her wrists, she sent them back at their mistress. "DEATH RIBBONS RETURNED!" Kodachi cackled. Saturn barely had a moment to scream before the black ribbons sliced her to... well, ribbons. "Dead Scream," Pluto whispered. The surge of energy flew toward the insane gymnast, who merely cackled. Her staff shortened back into a tube and she held her bracers up. Before Pluto's startled eyes, the bracers absorbed her attack. "HOHOHOHOHOHO! Now, taste your own medicine!" Kodachi screamed. "DIE!" She gestured towards them with her glowing bracers and a massive wave of energy, all of their own attacks, amplified by Dark Queen Skuld's technology, swept toward the Senshi, obliterating Pluto and Rei and tossing Sailor Moon and Tuxedo Kamen like ninepins. Flicker. "HOHOHOHOHOHO! Now, taste your own medicine!" Kodachi screamed. "DIE!" She gestured towards them with her glowing bracers and a massive wave of energy, all of their own attacks, amplified by Dark Queen Skuld's technology, swept toward the Senshi, obliterating Rei and tossing Sailor Moon and Tuxedo Kamen like ninepins. Except for Pluto, who leapt up out of the way. Kodachi glared at Pluto. "Don't think you're so smart, changing time like that! My Queen is the goddess of the Future, after all, HOHOHOHOHOHOHO!" She aimed her bracers at the Senshi of Time and unleashed another blast that struck Pluto in her stomach. Pluto grit her teeth from the agonizing pain of having her insides boiled and reached to shift time... Kodachi glared at Pluto. "Don't think you're so smart, changing time like that! My Queen is the goddess of the Future, after all, HOHOHOHOHOHOHO!" She aimed her bracers at the Senshi of Time and unleashed another blast that struck Pluto in her stomach. Pluto grit her teeth from the agonizing pain of having her insides boiled and reached to shift time... Kodachi glared at Pluto. "Don't think you're so smart, changing time like that! My Queen is the goddess of the Future, after all, HOHOHOHOHOHOHO!" She aimed her bracers at the Senshi of Time and unleashed another blast that struck Pluto in her stomach. Pluto grit her teeth from the agonizing pain of having her insides boiled and reached to shift time... ***** Kodachi stepped back as Sailor Pluto disappeared, caught in a time loop of incredible agony. It would take her a few millennia to work her way free, Dark Queen Skuld had figured, and that was good enough. For a moment, she hesitated, something glowing on her forehead, before she turned to face the remaining Senshi. ***** Sailor Callisto studied her sempai carefully. Even for Kunou, he was acting pretty mindlessly. And he sounded drugged or something, though his not-so-snappy patter continued unabated. "Mercury! Scan him while Hammerspace and I distract him!" she said, then looked at Hammerspace. Jupiter and Spatula were busy reviving the Senshi who had been malleted before the fight. She then turned to the kendoist. "Kunou-sempai, you have abused your martial arts skill and used them for evil. In the name of Callisto, I'll punish you!" What the HELL am I saying? Sailor Callisto thought as she made several silly poses. Sailor Hammerspace just sweatdropped. "MOUKO TAKABISHA!" Callisto yelled, sending a huge burst of energy at Kunou. Hammerspace followed behind the blast, intent on finishing off whatever was left of Kunou. But Kunou raised his new sword and swatted away the energy blast, much to everyone's surprise. Mercury worked feverishly at her computer, scanning Kunou. His sword was actually a device of astonishing sophistication, but there seemed to be no other modifications... wait! Yes, he was infused with Dark Power. It had been masked by a natural ionizing field. Probably that was what attracted all that lightning to him. "Sailor Moon!" she called urgently. They needed to heal these twisted siblings before it was too late. "Whoa... Mamo-chan..." Sailor Moon muttered, still half-conscious. "WAKE UP, YOU SILLY TWIT!" Mercury screamed into Sailor Moon's ear. She sounded remarkably like Luna on a bad day. "Waaaaaaaa! I'm up!" "Sailor Moon! You have to heal the Kunous with the Silver Crystal! And you have to do it right NOW!" There was a small explosion as Kunou called down his lightning (in a space station? How?) and blew away Callisto and Hammerspace. Jupiter and Spatula readied their attacks, determined to be the second string. Then Kodachi leaped over to join her brother. Mercury risked a glance and saw no sign of the Outer Senshi save for a few bloody scraps of cloth. "HOHOHOHOHOHO! Like you pathetic Sailor SCOUTS ever had a chance to defeat us! Come, brother dear... let us finish them." "Sailor Moon!" "Right, right! I'm on it! MOON HEALING ESCALATION!" The Silver Crystal flared to life, showering the Kunous with its silvery light. The Dark Power in Kunou dissipated easily, glad to be expelled from so moronic a host. But the dark energies in Kodachi seethed and snarled, clinging grimly to her. "Something in Kodachi is attracted to the Dark Power," Mercury said, studying her computer. "You'll have to try harder, Sailor Moon!" "Right!" The Crystal turned its full might on Kodachi, letting its light shine on her very soul. Before that cleansing light, all darkness had to flee. With a scream, the Dark Power issued forth from the gymnast's mouth, hovering over her like a noxious cloud. But it still clung to something inside the poor girl, who was now going into convulsions from the struggle. Sailor Moon grimaced and poured the energy on, willing the darkness to die. Suddenly, something flared to life on Kodachi's brow, a glowing rose. The Dark Power was ripped away from her, and with it all the darkness and madness of the young girl's life. Kodachi collapsed, followed by Sailor Moon, both exhausted by their ordeal. Something fell to the floor and rolled around in a circle at their feet. Mercury leaned down and picked it up. It was a Transformation Wand with a black rose symbol on it. Everyone looked at it and then at Kodachi. "SHE is a Senshi?" Sailor Spatula spat out. "What, do they give those wands out in breakfast cereals?" ***** Back on Earth, Artemis raised his head from the box of Choco- flavored Sugar Bombs. "Did you hear something, Luna?" he asked. Luna was slicing up another box with her claws. "No, I didn't. Keep going! We need 20 more box tops for Spatula's Transformation Wand!" "Ok, ok..." ***** Kodachi stood up quietly. "I've been bad, haven't I." "You could SAY that!" Sailor Hammerspace screamed. "She was possessed, just like Hotaru," Sailor Moon said quietly. "She wasn't in her right mind." "Well, can I at least kill Kunou?" Hammerspace asked. "He's just an innocent victim too," Sailor Moon said. Hammerspace growled. "This is all your fault, Ranma! I don't have anything I can hit!" She pounded Callisto into the ground. "We can't afford to fight among ourselves," Mars said. "Not while there are enemies about." There was a crack of gunfire and Mars fell dead. "You should have thought of that earlier!" A really annoying voice erupted from a nearby balcony. Everyone looked up and saw Dark Lady (yes, the evil Chibi-Usa), Dark Chibi-Chibi, and Droido C3PO. Dark Chibi-Chibi shouted, "CHIBI CHIBI CHIBI CHIBI CHIBI!" and opened fire with her rotary chaingun. Droido C3PO translated, "Die, you @#%$(*%$($%*$(!!!!! Oh my, my programming won't let me translate THAT..." Sailors died in droves. Hammerspace, Jupiter, and Mercury didn't have a chance. They fell, riddled with bullets. Tuxedo Kamen died, but before he fell, he hurled a bouquet of roses that blocked every bullet that came near him. Sailor Spatula saved herself with a barrage of spatulas, while Tuxedo Callisto caught all the bullets that came near her, Kodachi, and Venus. Dark Lady started opening up with her sniper rifle to cover Chibi while C3PO helped Chibi reload. Kodachi began to cry. No, we can't all die now that I'm not evil and won't find this funny anymore! To her surprise, her alligator ran into the room. "Use the transformation wand, Kodachi-chan!" Kumigari shouted. She stared at it. Words came into her mind. "BLACK ROSE POWER, MAKE UP!" she shouted, leaping into the air. Her leotard sprouted a skirt and shoulder 'cape', and a golden tiara set with a black opal appeared upon her brow. She landed up on the balcony. Dark Lady turned and leveled her sniper rifle. Sailor Black Rose tossed a rose up the barrel. It backfired and hurled Dark Lady to the ground. Sailor Moon ran forward. "You're being naughty again!" She started spanking Dark Lady with the Shining Sexy Moon Sceptre. "This time you got your daddy killed!" Dark Chibi-Chibi turned and leveled the chaingun at Sailor Black Rose. "CHIBI CHIBI CHIBI CHIBI CHIBI!" "Die, you poorly dressed cabbage-eating ball of...oh my, is obscenity really necessary?" Droido C3PO translated. Sailor Black Rose lept over Chibi-Chibi, tangling her in a ribbon and tossing her down to the level below. "VENUS LOVE ME CHAIN!" "MOUKO TAKABISHA!" "DIE YOU MEWLING LITTLE INCOHERENT BRAT!" Dark Chibi-Chibi was blasted to chibi-bits. Sailor Moon finished applying sceptre therapy to Dark Lady, completing it by saying, "Now will you go back to the FUTURE AND STAY THERE?" She picked up Dark Lady and hurled her into a convenient passing time machine, ideally never to be seen again. Venus collapsed. "I can't go on." "No, we can't leave you!" Sailor Moon said. "I think you're going to have to face this one alone," Sailor Venus said. Everyone paused for the flashback to the ending of Season one. "No, not again! Why does everyone always get picked off?" Sailor Moon moaned. Spatula, Callisto, and Black Rose gathered around Sailor Moon and gave her a hug. "Maybe it's better this way. If we send her home, she won't have to die." Concentrating, they sent Venus home with a Sailor Teleport. Unfortunately, due to their lack of experience with this (only Sailor Moon was a real expert), they managed to send Spatula and Sailor Black Rose as well...and neither group could try it again with less than five sailors, being as weak as they were. "This doesn't look good," Sailor Moon said. Tuxedo Callisto shrugged. "I'll win. I ALWAYS win. If it has fighting in it, I can't LOSE!!!!" Sailor Moon was forced to bonk her a few times with her sceptre. **************************************************************************** Dark Queen Skuld paced the C&C of S5 in a panic, barely listening as Dark Sheridan called out progress reports of his droids' battles with the Sailors. It was not going well. What was she going to do? Her big sisters were gone, all her Generals were useless or missing. (Not ALL of them were stupid.) there was only herself, Dark Sheridan, and her machines... Her machines. Yes, that gave her an idea. Whipping out the Evil Masterminds' Handbook, she quickly skimmed chapter 666, "What To Do When The Heroes Are Pounding Down The Doors To Your Space Station's Command Center." Yes, here it was, under the heading "If You Can't Have It, No One Can!" She'd show them! With an appropriate cackle, she began putting one last device together. Moments later, the door to the C&C blew open, blown away by Sailor Callisto's Mouko Takabisha. Sailor Moon followed close behind. To say that they looked pissed would be an understatement. "Ha! You're too late, Sailor Sprouts!" Skuld said. "My Universal Reset Button is ready! If I can't have all the ice cream in the universe, NO ONE WILL! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" It was a GOOD evil laugh, a suitable one to go out on, Dark Queen Skuld reflected as she pushed the big shiny red button that would erase all of history. ***************************************************************************** Skuldylon Five sits all alone in a desolate sector of space. Then, lightning crashes over its surface, a surface that now curves inward, warping and twisting in impossible ways. A giant black hole, a great circle of nothingness, swallows the station completely, and then begins to grow. And grow. And GROW. It reaches the Solar System and swallows the planets, pulling them careening from their orbits and down into its ever-hungry maw. A few spaceships try to escape, but the gravity of the black hole pulls them in. It begins growing at a geometric rate, sweeping across the galaxy and beyond, until nothing is left but darkness and one, tiny voice. "THE NIGHT! THE BEAUTIFUL NIGHT! ***************************************************************************** "That was GREAT, Rachel!" Biles said enthusiastically, slapping the back of her director's chair. "I didn't think we had the budget to do that!" Rachel was pale, looking at the screen. "We don't." "Huh?" "Damn that little twerp!" Rachel said. "She did it for real! Skuld reset the entire universe!" The walls of the Command Center suddenly gave a deep, wrenching groan. "Oh, gods!" Rachel exclaimed. "This place is next! We've got to get to Yggdrasil and restart or we're all going to DIE!" "Die?" John asked in a small voice, showing how good a grasp he had on the situation. Sailor Callisto and Sailor Moon burst into the room, looking spent. "Biles! That black hole of yours is coming fast! It's already gotten the filming area! Usagi and I barely teleported ahead of it!" Rachel looked around. "Right. Kahm, Akemi! We are LEAVING!" "What about everyone else?" Biles asked as he grasped Kahm and Rachel's hands. Callisto, Moon, and Akemi also held hands, forming a circle. "If we can restart, they'll all be back. We need to get to Yggdrasil NOW!" Perfect, Akemi thought, an evil smile crossing her face, which no one saw, unfortunately. ***************************************************************************** Norse legends saw Yggdrasil as the great tree in whose branches the nine worlds nestle. They were right, but it was more than that. It was also the great central computer that sustains all things in their proper configuration. By altering its' programming, you could play billiards with the stars or even make Rush Limbaugh not be an idiot, hard as that may be to believe. At the base of Yggsdrasil is the command center, where the backups are kept and where one can input new commands into Yggsdrasil most easily. The tiny band of desperate film makers and characters appeared in the command center in a flash of cheap special effects. "Quick, someone find the backups!" Unfortunately, only Biles knew anything about computers and he wasn't exactly FAMILIAR with this one. Everyone began running around punching buttons and opening drawers. Akemi quietly walked over to one keyboard and began punching buttons. She finished typing right as Usagi held up a disk labelled, 'Cosmic Backup'. "Is this it?" "Yes, it is! Quick, throw it to me!" Akemi yelled. "Before it's too late!" They could see the darkness closing in from all sides as the system purge continued. Usagi tossed Akemi the disk. She laughed maniacally and ate the disk. "Now NOTHING CAN STOP ME!" She punched return, activating the command, 'rm *.g3'. Biles evaporated in a poof of smoke. "I'll destroy you all!" Kahm and Rachel blinked, then got very angry. "WHY did you do that?" Akemi laughed. "Because I'm really your old friend, Marller! And now all creation is MINE to reshape!" Everyone dogpiled her. For a few seconds, all was silent, then Akemi burst out of the pile. Marller's demon symbol now shone upon her brow. "Fools! I can destroy you all! Starting with you annoying muses!" She leaned over and typed, 'rm *.muse'. Unfortunately, Marller had forgotten one thing...she was possessing the body of a muse. Akemi-Marller, Kahm, and Rachel vanished in a poof of smoke. The Cosmic Backup disk reappeared and fell to the ground. The darkness was still closing in. Ranma said, "She really shouldn't have disabled the thing where it asks you on each file if you REALLY want to delete it." Usagi grabbed the disk. "So now what?" Ranma said, "Uh...we stop us from being destroyed first." He went over to the keyboard and typed, 'stop destroying the universe'. 'Syntax Error'. He typed, 'Stop destroying the Universe or I'll blow you to tiny bits.' 'Process killed.' The universe stopped vanishing. "I guess it knows what's good for it." Usagi said. "Let's see...how do we reboot this thing?" Ranma and Usagi began playing around with various controls. After managing to create 100000000 cabbages and an angry potato, they finally got the hang of it. 'Reboot began. Changes in base data desired? (y/n)' "Wait...we can rewrite this?" Usagi said, "That's what Marller wanted to do...We really shouldn't tamper, though." Ranma nodded. "We really shouldn't." They both started typing in a frenzy, naturally. ****************************************************************************** Ranma and his father were busilly practicing by dueling over the Tendo pond again. He delivered a mighty blow and slammed his father down into the water. A purple cow emerged, wearing Genma's glasses. Ranma laughed and landed back on the rocks by the pond. "You look good as a cow, pop. HONEST!" Ranma laughed some more. "Well, time for school!" Ever since someone threw drowned purple cow water on Pop, my life has been looking up, he thought. That and getting that stupid promise he made to Mom annulled. She just couldn't take him seriously anymore when she found out he now turns into a purple cow. He paused in the kitchen to get a snack. Akane was fixing everyone's lunch. Being a perfect cook like her sister, her meals were always worth eating. He hugged Akane. "Ready to go, dear?" "Hai. We'd better hurry. It's a long way to Juuban-ku." He laughed. "No problem." He scooped Akane into his arms and sprinted out the door, then started leaping roof top to roof top. Ranma smiled. Life was good, especially now that the school board had locked the Principal in a box and mailed him to Siberia, along with Kunou. Kodachi was MUCH easier to live with now that she had had therapy. He was even considering adding her to his harem^H^H^H^H^H^Hfiancees. Well, a question for another day. They leapt past what had been the Nekohanten, before the Board of Health had shut it down and shipped Shampoo and Mousse to the Animal Shelter and Cologne back to China. Shampoo and Mousse had gotten out fairly quickly, but in the interval, their visas expired and they were deported too. They had come back, but then Shampoo had decided she loved Artemis more than Ranma, and he hadn't seen her or Mousse since. Having to go all the way to Juuban for school was a bit of a pain, but it gave Ranma a good work out every morning, so he didn't mind. Especially since his other fiancees would be there waiting for him. ****************************************************************************** Usagi slept 'til Noon, as she always did, since the law now restricted the hours of school to 1-4 PM in the afternoons. She got out of bed, and her brother Shingo handed her an ice cream sundae, then grovelled at her feet as was proper. Her servants helped her get dressed, then Mamo-chan came and picked her up to take her to school. They made out in the back of his stretch limo. A good bout of invigorating sex always helped her focus at school. Miss Haruna bowed, knocking her head on the floor as Usagi walked in and everyone cheered as always. Having a princess in their school was always an honor. All her friends were here. Ami sat up front, busily reading a book and chatting with her boyfriend, Urawa. Minako, who had FINALLY transferred to Usagi's school was sitting next to Usagi's Throne Desk, quietly chatting with her boyfriend, Steven. Poor Rei's boyfriend, Yuuichiro wasn't in high school anymore, so she had borrowed Ami's other boyfriend, Ryouga, to make out with during school. Naru-chan waved hi to Usagi from Umino's lap. They were busy playing some game on his laptop computer. She sat down in her desk, then waved to Ranma, Mako-chan, Ukyou-chan and Akane-chan, who were sitting across the room, eating lunch. They had finally transfered out of that hell hole, Furinkan, and were MUCH happier. It was time for class to start. Miss Haruna walked to the front of the classroom. "Today, we're going to talk about Food. I've brought in a sweedish chef as a guest lecturer today." The door opened and a man walked in with his hat falling down over his eyes and a big bushy orange-brown mustache. "Bork Bork Bork!" He wheeled in a twelve course meal. Fooood...Usagi was in heaven. ****************************************************************************** Sailor Pluto sat in the time stream and looked out upon the world that had come into existence. "This will take a long time to fix. They have wrought much damage to the time stream. I will have to start with...oh stuff it. I need a vacation. I think it's time to go visit Casanova-chan again..." She vanished in a spray of light and was soon busy with much more pleasant activities. ******************************************************************************* Biles gave a GREAT sigh of relief. "Well, that's a wrap, I think." He turned to Skuld, Belldandy, and Urd. "You three okay?" Skuld nodded. "Yeah. The Mark II Evilizer will have special safeguards to prevent a repeat of this." Urd said, "Yes. As in, we won't let you MAKE one." "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!" Her sisters dragged Skuld away. Biles turned to Kahm and Rachel. "Well, I think this calls for a celebration." "You left us over a volcano for most of this story!" Rachel shouted. "I didn't even get any really cool lines!" Kahm said. Biles, not being foolish, ran for his life. The End. FOR NOW ^_- *********************************************************************** Author's afterwords: Wow, another epic finished. I hope you enjoyed this one. I certainly did. The real irony is that my original idea was actually a Marmalade Boy/Ranma 1/2 crossover, yet NOTHING from my original concept was EVER used ^_-. This story does not fit into ANY of my continuties...Thank God ^_-. I hope you enjoyed and maybe after I finish some of my other 100000 projects, I'll do another story in this vein. I could easily go on beyond 13 episodes of this...but I don't have infinite time...yet :) Special thanks to Jeff Hosmer, who wrote part of this episode, to Amanda Hall and Carmen Spray, who kept encouraging me to write more of this lunacy, and to all my looney pre-readers too :) March 18, 1997. PS SEE, I DID FINISH IN TIME FOR APRIL FOOLS :) John Walter Biles : MA-History, Ph.D Wannabe at U. Kansas ranma@falcon.cc.ukans.edu naru@sailormoonfan.com rhea@tass.org http://www.tass.org/~rhea/falcon.html Today's News of the Weird: A man in Johannesberg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's head A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-fiveworkers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film.