In the Command Center>

      Dark Queen Belldandy frothed.  Vengeance.  They had turned her 
sister into a living sex guide.  While this actually made her more useful 
in many ways than before, this still called for a horrible bloody 
vengeance.  Or at least a petty one.  "Biles."

      "Uh, yeah?"

      "What is Ranma's deepest fear?"

      "Asparagus."  Biles lied, just to see what would happen.

*****************************************************************************

Lemon Sherbet 12:
"Springtime for Dark Queen Belldandy"

*****************************************************************************

<Dancing With Myself, Billy Idol>

     Ranma was practicing in the dojo.  He didn't get much time to 
practice lately.  It was kinda nice to be alone.  Just to hang out with 
himself.  He liked his new friends a lot; he really, REALLY liked his new 
friends a lot.  Still, it was nice to get some practice in as well.

     As he moved through the kata, he didn't notice the giant humanoid 
who appeared behind him, shaped like asparagus.  Asparagor shouted, "I am 
the MIGHTY ASPARAGOR of the planet D'bari!  Look on me, mortal, and despair."

     Ranma blinked and turned around.  "If you're here to marry me or 
Akane..."

     "AM I NOT DREADFUL IN YOUR SIGHT?"

     "You look really, really stupid, actually."

     Asparagor blinked.  "Not even a little fear?"

     "Actually, I was wondering how'd you taste in a pot."  Ranma moved a 
bit closer to Asparagor.

     Being the last of his kind, Asparagor decided to not become the dead 
monster of the episode and teleported away.  Ranma shrugged.  I needed to 
finish my kata, anyway.


*****************************************************************************
<In the Command Center>

      Dark Queen Belldandy frowned.  "You call that fear?"

      "Oh, I thought you meant fear as in finds tasty."

      Dark Queen Belldandy dropped a sewing machine on Biles.  "Hmm.  
Ahh, I know how to break him."

      "If you bind him with string, then..."

      She dropped another sewing machine on him.  "Last episode, he was 
afraid of lusting after men..."

      "That was in episode 10, actually."

      "Whatever.  Yes, I shall break his spirit with that, then move onto 
to deal with that wretched Serena."

      "Usagi."

      "Whatever.  I'll crush all the Sailor Mensa!"

      "Senshi."

       "Whatever."
*****************************************************************************
<Fuzzy, dreamlike special effects>

      Kunou ran through a field of flowers with Ranma-chan, holding 
hands.  He turned to his love and swept her into his arms.  They kissed 
passionately, then he began to take off her clothing. She moaned and 
undid his belt, staring at his...

*****************************************************************************
<Radar Love, by Golden Earring>

      Ranma awoke screaming.  He was starting to have dreams like this 
every night.  Ami woke up nearby, as did Akane.  "Are you okay, Ranma-kun?"

      He was breathing heavily.  "Damn dreams..."

      "Was it Ryouga again this time?"  Ami asked.

      "It was Kunou.  At least I woke up before...before..."

      "You came?"  Akane asked.

      "He went down on you?"

      "Over and over and over again."  Ami said.  

      "Making you moan and want more,"  Akane said, the fires of desire 
starting to burn in her eyes.

       Ranma sighed.  Sleep?  What sleep.  As Ami's hand snaked down to 
grab his manhood, he knew it was going to be another one of THOSE nights.
      
*****************************************************************************
<She blinded me with Science!, Thomas Dolby>

     Ranma walked into Dr. Tofu's place.  "I think that cure your friend 
gave me is wearing off or something."

     "Cure?  Oh, you mean for the DNA bullet?"

     Ranma nodded, then hesitantly said, "I've had these hentai 
dreams..."  He couldn't bear to say anymore.

     Dr. Tofu began poking various parts of Ranma's body.

     "That going to fix it, Doctor Tofu?"

     "When you scream in excruciating pain, I'll know what the problem is."

     Ranma flinched.

     "That was a joke, Ranma.  But do tell me if you feel anything strange."

     Ranma nodded.  After a minute of poking, he suddenly felt the 
extreme urge to grab Dr. Tofu and rip off his clothing and...  Ranma 
screamed.

     The feeling subsided.  Dr. Tofu said, "I take it..."

     "I want to END this, not make it worse!"  Ranma twitched...If I 
had...BLEAH.

     He nodded.  "I think I see the problem."

     "What is it?"

     "All this sexual activity has activated the latent sexual potental 
of your aquainduced secondary form."

     "Can you try that again?"

     "You're having so much sex, you're starting to get horny for 
everything that moves due to your curse.  Also...Your ki balance is out 
of focus.  You're not getting enough sleep.  And you need to eat more 
kumquats."

     "I've never HAD a kumquat."

     "Exactly."

     "So if I eat kumquats, get more sleep, and have less sex, it will help?"
      
     Dr. Tofu paused.  "It might delay the point at which you let Kunou 
have his way with you by a few weeks."

     Ranma gagged.

     "You have to either balance your Ki, or have your hormones removed.  
Luckily, there is a way to rebalance your Ki, which would also prevent 
this problem in the future.  Otherwise, it will recur everytime your 
Ki gets out of balance.  At least while you have the curse."

     Ranma nodded.  "Okay, what do I have to do?"

     Dr. Tofu pulled a book off the shelf.  "This is the Jim Dandy Guide 
to Tantric Magic."  He paged through the book.  "Ahh, yes, The Rite of 
Removing One's Desire for Men.  It was invented to help Female Monks keep 
their vows of Celibacy."

     "Sounds perfect.  What do I have to do?"

     Dr. Tofu quickly read through it, then frowned.  

     "What's wrong?  Do I have to wrestle a gorilla naked or something?"

     "This isn't the Rite to Remove One's lust for Gorillas."

     Ranma decided not to ask if that was a joke.

      "Well, this ritual is perfect, except for one problem."

     "What?"

     "You'd have to have a male sexual partner to perform it."

     Dr. Tofu had never seen anyone run away from him at 200 MPH before.

*****************************************************************************

<I want you to want me, by Cheap Trick>

     Cologne sighed, watching three cats get it on again in the dining 
room.  She scooped them up and locked them in the basement and went to 
look for a cure for lusting after cats in her book of secret recipies.

     As she sat paging through the book, Ranma entered.  "You have to 
help me!"

     Cologne blinked.  "With what?"

     Ranma spilled the whole story.  He was desperate.  If anyone could 
find another way to cure him, Cologne could.  

     Cologne nodded.  "Certainly, I will help you Ranma.  Shampoo needs a 
groom who does not lust after men.  There is, however, a price."

     "Whatever.  I'll pay it."  Ranma was desperate.

     Cologne could sense his desperation.  "You must be Shampoo's love 
slave for a month."

     Ranma winced.  "A month?"

     "Well, you could take your chances with becoming Kunou's love slave..."

     Ranma gagged.  "I'll think about it."

     "Don't take too long."

***************************************************************************
<I'm too sexy,  Right Said Fred>
      
     Ranma went to Usagi and explained the situation.  "Do you think you 
could help me with the Gizinishou?"

     "It can't hurt to try!"

     Usagi transformed into Sailor Moon.  She waved the Shining Sexy 
Swiss Army Moon Sceptre over Ranma's head, then held up the Gizinishou 
and focused her will.  A bright white shining light erupted from the 
Gizinishou.  It radiated into the depth of Ranma's very soul.  Ranma 
stared at Usagi, who looked more majestic than he'd ever thought someone 
with dumplings on their head could ever be.  

      The light grew brighter and soon, Ranma could not bear to look 
directly at it.  He felt it washing through him, cleansing and purifying 
him.  He felt like someone had used Spiritual Mr. Clean, with new Sin 
Fighting ingredients, on him.  

      I'll never call anyone kawaiikunee ever again, Ranma resolved.  
I'll never get mad and beat up Pop again.  I'll always be kind and gentle 
to everyone I meet.  I'll...Ranma steadily escalated towards a level of 
purity and gentility that is normally only found in fifties Disney 
movies.  

      The wave of energy ceased.  Ranma felt minty fresh, like he was all 
new and improved, with extra vitamins.  Clearly a bath in Gizinishou 
energy built healthy morality in twelve different ways.  Ranma had all 
the Vitamin C he'd ever need too.  

      Ranma said, "I feel great!  Let's find a field of flowers to go run 
through!  Then we can find some cute puppies and play with them and..."

     Usagi blinked.  She had banished Ranma's lust for men...which 
feeling lonely, had taken up residence in her.  Given she already had a 
healthy amount of lust for men, especially Ranma, this was more than she 
could easily deal with.  She grabbed Ranma and kissed him passionately, 
then prepared to have her way with him.

     Ranma said, "Hey, wait, this is one of Akane's nights!"

     Usagi smiled and got out her disguise pen.  "Disguise Pen, make me 
Akane!"  In an instant, she took on Akane's appearance, dressed in one of 
her yellow gis.  

     Ranma blinked.  "Wow, you look just like her!"

     Usagi-Akane advanced on Ranma, undoing her belt.  "I guess we'll see 
how well I can imitate her in a few other things."  She smiled and they 
moved on to other activities, which you can imagine for yourself.

*****************************************************************************
<Venus, Bananarama>

     The next day, Kasumi was hard at work in the kitchen, busily chopping 
carrots for dinner.  Suddenly, a glowing object zoomed in the window and 
flew into her.  It had taken a LONG time for her poor lonely orgasm 
crystal to find its way back out of Urd's dimension and to its proper 
bearer.  She moaned and her forehead glowed with strange markings once 
more.  She opened her eyes and she knew what she had to do.

*****************************************************************************
<Sweet Dreams, by Heart>

     Ranma lay down to take a nap.  Rest.  I need...rest.  He was so 
tired.  All this fighting and sex and fighting and more sex and even more 
than that...This time, I'm really going to go 24 hours without doing 
ANYTHING.  He lay down on his futon and stretched out.  Glorious 
nothing.  Not that I don't enjoy all that, but even I need a rest.  

    Ranma's eyes closed.  He instinctively tried to wrap his arms around 
the girl who was in the futon with him, except there wasn't one.  He 
sighed faintly and drifted off to sleep.

     In his dreams, the world was a peaceful happy place, where he and 
Akane and Ukyou and Makoto ran through a field of flowers together.  They 
were all superdeformed, of course, and laughed happily as soft music 
played in the background.  

     It rained, but Ranma had no curse in his dreams, and all was good.

     They danced together, an innocent happy dance, and sang in the rain 
til it ended.  And All was good.

     They ran through the fields again, picking flowers and weaving 
wreaths for each other's hair.  And all was good.

     They ran into a pack of wandering cats, but then a pack of wandering 
dogs chased them all off.  And all was good.

      P-chan ran across the field and hopped into Akane's arms.  She 
snuggled her little pet.  "I love you, P-chan, especially with a little 
apple in your mouth and that special sauce Ukyou makes."  They cooked 
P-chan over an open fire and made special okonomiyaki out of him.  And 
all was good.

      Suddenly, a great voice boomed from the heavens, "WAKE UP BOY!"  
Ranma awoke, flying out the window as Genma punted him into LEO.  "You're 
getting WEAK AND LAZY, BOY!"  Genma shouted.

     Ranma didn't wake up until he finally landed.

***************************************************************************
<Age of Aquarius, by the Fifth Dimension>
     
     Kasumi came to Akane's room, her forehead glowing.  "Akane."

     She turned and blinked.  "Oneechan?"

     "We have to talk."

     "Okay..."

***************************************************************************
<Time Warp, by Richard O'Brien>

     Ranma plummeted through a passing temporal anomaly, on its way to 
visit an episode of Star Trek:  The Next Generation.  He found himself 
high over a crystalline city, falling...falling...

     Chibi-Usa skipped along, singing a happy song as she walked through 
the garden with her parents.  "I Love you!  You love me!  This song goes 
on interminably!"

     Her parents sung along, because otherwise, she would never STOP 
singing it.  They thus did not hear the whistling noise indicating an 
incoming Ranma Saotome.

     He landed head-first on her noggin, knocking her out.

     King Endymion said, "Ranma?"

     Ranma moaned faintly.  

     Queen Serenity smiled.  "No more evil song...thank the gods."

     Chibi-Usa, as was just, lay unconscious in the grass.   Ranma got 
up.  "Ohhhh, my aching head...where am I?"

     "Crystal Tokyo, one thousand years in your future."

     "Wow.  So who's going to win the Super Bowl next year?"

     King Endymion said, "The White Sox."

     "..."  Ranma blinked.  "They're a baseball team."

     "Oh yeah.  Well, it's the..."

     Pluto appeared and malleted Endymion.  "That's a no-no.  What are 
YOU doing here, boy?"

     "I'm the KING!"

     "Not you, him!"  She pointed to Ranma.

     "Uh, Dad got mad and booted me into the future, I guess...So what 
happens to me in the future?"

     "I can't tell you,"  Pluto said.

     "You're one of my faithful warriors!"  Queen Serenity said.  

      Pluto tried to gag Serenity.  "I have to send him back before you 
blab something he shouldn't know!"

     "And the father of my second child, our daughter, K..."  Queen 
Serenity choked as Pluto stuck the Garnet Orb in her mouth.  

      "I'm sorry, Serenity, this is for your own good."

      King Endymion didn't agree and started beating Pluto in the head 
with his cane.

      Pluto sighed.  "Here we go again." She pointed at Ranma and 
banished him back to his own time so he wouldn't see her getting beaten up.

      The last thing Ranma heard was Endymion yelling, "Don't EVER push 
the blue button if it's the last thing you do, Ranma!"

***************************************************************************
<Mad Machine, BGC soundtrack>

      Dark Queen Belldandy assembled her grand horde. Hundreds, thousands 
of unemployed Youma had flocked to her banner and the offer of a free 
Arch Deluxe, plus all the plunder they could collect.  She turned to 
Rachlite and Bailsite.  "The hour has come.  Find the Senshi and destroy 
them."

     Bailsite nodded.  "As you command."  He joined hands with Rachlite 
and they teleported into the streets of Tokyo.  Right into the middle of 
rush-hour traffic.  Dozens of youmas were slain in the resulting auto 
pile-up.

      Rachlite sighed.  "Next time, I drive."

      Their horde started off down the street.  As they passed a 
McDonalds, the horde paused, then streamed into the McDonalds.  "ARCH 
DELUXE!  ARCH DELUXE!"  

      Bailsite bapped his own head before Rachlite could.

*************************************************************************

     
     Ranma plummeted from the sky, falling, of course, into the pond.  
Ranma-chan staggered out of the pond and quietly fell asleep in the 
rockgarden.

**************************************************************************
<My Way, by Frank Sinatra>

      Rachlite and Bailsite sat outside McDonalds while the Youma Horde 
pigged out.  He sighed.  "At least my evil.."

      "Good."

      "At least Bailesu isn't here."

      There was a loud popping sound.  "Hiya, Bails.  Taking the kids to 
McDonalds?"  It was Bailesu, Bailsite's ev...good twin brother.

      "Stupid youmas...trying to prove they're grown-up by eating Arch 
Deluxes...stupid restaurant...Stupid..."

      "Hey, if it's stupid, I bet you fit right in."

      Bailesu got up.  "I've had enough of you!"

      Energy blasts starting flying everywhere, while Rachlite sat back 
and sighed.  These two couldn't even look at each other without 
fighting.  Finally, she got up and whacked them both in the head with a 
pair of energy balance beams.  "I have had enough of BOTH of you!"

      They paused.  "Let's go get something to eat and just forget about 
Dark Queen Belldandy.  We'll just killed if we go fight the Sailors, anyway."

      The two of them looked at each other, then offered her an arm each.  
"Let's go."  They headed off into the sunset and lived happily ever after 
until the next time Bailesu and Bailsite started beating each other up.
Which happened the next day.  Bailesu got rather severely maimed, but 
three seconds later, he was back to normal in the way that only animated 
characters can accomplish, but which would really lower your medical 
bills if it worked in real life.

******************************************************************************
<Reprise of Venus, older version of it :)>

      Kasumi gathered the Senshi together, except Ranma.  "Hmm, Callisto 
doesn't seem to be answering her communicator."  Sailor Venus said.

      Kasumi said, "I sense he is in the garden."

      Soun wandered through the living room, saw the Sailor Senshi 
present, saw Kasumi's forehead glowing, and went back to his bedroom to 
smoke more pot.  Clearly this was really good stuff.

      Soon enough they got Ranma-chan out of the garden and explained to 
her what had to be done.

****************************************************************************

<I want to make love to Jim Baker, by someone disgusting.  This is a REAL 
song, honest.>

     Shampoo-Neko, Artemis, and Luna were STILL locked in the Nekohanten 
basement.  Upstairs, Cologne was busy looking for the ingredients she 
needed to remove Shampoo's new lust for cats.  "Hmm.  All my eyes of the 
beholder have gone bad.  Going to have to go to the store."

     She pogoed out the door as Mousse came in.  He started making 
himself lunch, then heard yowling noises from the basement.  Hmm, Shampoo 
must have gotten stuck down there, he thought.  "I'm coming, Shampoo!"

     He headed downstairs and unlocked the door.  Three cats streaked 
past him.  He blinked.  "Hey, Shampoo, where is..."

     Shampoo-Neko streaked up the stairs and out the door with her lover 
Artemis, pursued by her new rival, Luna.  Mousse, having no idea what was 
going on, simply chased them down the street.  They ran past a horde of 
lost youma and into a nearby McDonalds, where Shampoo-Neko, Artemis, and 
Luna were disgusted to find the floor was so sticky they stuck to it.  
Mousse picked up Shampoo-Neko and went over to the counter.

     "I'm sorry, we don't serve cats, sir."

     "I'm not a cat,"  Mousse said.

     The man paused.  "True.  What would you like?"

     "A Whopper with mayo, lettuce, and onions, a large fries, and a 
large orange drink."

     "I can't do that, sir."

     "Why?  Can't I 'have it my way'?"

     "Sir, this is McDonalds.  We don't SERVE Whoppers.  Would you like a 
Big Mac instead?"

     Mousse squinted and pulled down his glasses.  "Oh.  I was wondering 
why I kept seeing Ronald McDonald everywhere.  Hmmm."  He actually looked 
at the menu.  Arch Deluxe, eh?  Grownup taste...Why not.  "Gimmie an Arch 
Deluxe."

    "I need to see some ID."

    He blinked.  "What?"

    "It's for adults only.  You have to be at least 21 to eat one."

    Mousse grumbled and got out his fake ID he used to buy automatic 
weapons and sake (always a fun combination).  "Here you go."

    The kid looked at it, then placed the order.  Shampoo snuggled up in 
Mousse's arms, not wanting him to put her down on the floor.  

    Soon, Mousse's food was ready.  He took it over to a table, then sat 
down to eat it, putting Shampoo on the table next to him.  "You can have 
fries if you like."

     Shampoo-neko formed the Chinese symbols for 'please bring the white 
cat over here' with the fries.

     Mousse did so.  Then he sat down to eat his Arch Deluxe.  He took 
one bite and felt excruciating agony running through his body.  He 
twitched in pain.  Alarms began to go off.  The Arch Deluxe Police ran 
in.  "We told you, this has a GROWN UP taste!"  They clamped him in 
chains and hauled him off to a maximum security prison, grumbling about 
degenerate youth.

     Shampoo-neko and Artemis hitched a ride out on the cops' shoulders, 
then ran off together into the sunset, leaving Luna stuck to the floor of 
McDonalds.

     And people say I never give Shampoo a happy ending. 

*****************************************************************************
<Magic Carpet Ride, Steppenwolf>

     Genma, Nodoka, and Hinako shared some of Soun's pot when he 
told them what he had seen.  They wanted to see visions too.

******************************************************************************


     "Okay, tell me again,"  Ranma said to Kasumi.  "You've got the 
essence of a WHAT in you?"

     "The ancient goddess of mad passionate sex.  I have come to guide 
you all, my disciples, to defeat the second of the evil goddesses."

     Sailor Venus laughed.  "We've certainly been worshipping you 
lately.  Especially Ranma-kun."

     Ranma blushed.

     Kasumi smiled.  "Indeed, his services were very...good.  I cannot 
fully inhabit this shell for long.  Let me tell you what you must do.  
Then we'll have an orgy and I can go sleep for a while."

     They could all agree with that.

***********************************************************************

     Meanwhile, the horde o' Youma (TM) finished their Arch Deluxes and 
staggered out into the street, trying not to be ill.  On-coming traffic 
claimed a few dozen more youma.  They streamed towards their target...too 
bad they didn't ACTUALLY know where that was.

     A few Youma dropped off to see a porno movie.  A few others decided 
to go pick up a new wardrobe when they ran past a department store.  A 
few more spotted Idol Angel Mami, their favorite, and ran off in pursuit 
of her.  Another eight or so stopped by a Karaoke bar to sing a few 
rounds of Moonlight Rambler...

***********************************************************************

     At ADPolice (Amazingly Dimwitted) HQ, the Youma alert began to 
blare.  "Warning.  Warning!  YOUMAS IN THE CITY!  They have Arch Deluxes 
and aren't afraid to use them,"  blared over the intercom.  

     The ADPolice piled into their tanks and roared off down the street 
to get slaughtered, only destroying a few dozen civilian vehicles along 
the way.

************************************************************************

     Dark Queen Belldandy sat on her dark throne, thinking dark, evil 
thoughts as she made a cute sweater for General Keiichite.  He sat 
nearby, reading a book on Evil and the Art of Motorcycle Repair.  "So, 
you think Bailsite and Rachlyte can actually pull this off?"

     "If they don't, I'll send them to the wombat mimes!  I mean the salt 
mines."

     "What salt mines?"

     "I'll buy some to send them to."

*****************************************************************************

     The Senshi finished a massive group shower to clean off after the 
orgy and then gathered in the Tendo Back Yard to prepare for a Sailor 
Teleport to Dark Queen Belldandy's Base.

     The doors from the Dojo opened and a youma charged out.  "There you 
are!  We've come to ANNHILATE YOU ALL!"

     Sailor Jupiter blinked.  "You and what army?"

     Youma Alpo said, "Me and my Youma brothers and sisters!  We are LEGION!"

     Sailor Mercury ran a quick scan.  "You're the only youma within two 
miles of here."

     Youma Alpo turned around and saw everyone else had gotten distracted 
but him.  He triple sweatdropped and turned around slowly, "Umm...can I 
come back later?"

     Sailor Jupiter smacked a fist into her palm.  "Lemme help you on 
your way."

     Youma Alpo soon came to deserve his name.

*****************************************************************************

     The Advanced Dimwit Police roared down the road in their high 
powered plastic tanks.  Hey, if ceramics worked for the Newport Police, 
they figured plastic had to be even better. Cheap at least.  

     They roared through a redlight, crushing a few passing 
motorcyclists, and causing the usual thirty car pileup.  Nearby, two 
patrolling regular cops spotted this.  Miyuki turned to Natsumi.  
"Those guys are REALLY obnoxious."

     Natsumi nodded.  "I say we bust them for traffic violations."

     "Can we do that?"

     "Has that ever stopped us before?"

     Miyuki nodded.  She turned on the siren and reved her tiny police 
cruiser into high gear, roaring after the ADPolice tanks.

***************************************************************************

     Dark Queen Belldandy finished fitting General Keiichite for his new 
sweater.  He turned and smiled.  "This looks really great!"

     "You like it?"

     "The picture of Sayoko's head exploding...how did you ever manage to 
weave that?"  General Keiichite looked stunning in the sweater.  It 
precisely fit his wimpy form, masking his 90 pound weakling build, and 
distracting you from his messy hair.  Combined with the dark green cape 
and black pants, he was the spitting image of a modern youma general.  
With effort, he was able to resist the urge to break into a Gilbert and 
Sullivan song.

     She blushed.  "True love crosses any boundary.  So what do you know 
about our enemies?  Anything else you can think of that might help us 
deal with them?  What do you know..."

     Sadly, Keiichite was now overwhelmed by the urge to sing.  "I am the 
very model of a modern Youma General. I've sucked the life force of 
veg-e-table, animal and mineral...about dimensional theorems I really 
can be quite obtuse..."

     There was a bright flash of light that saved mankind from having to 
listen to more of the song.  The Sailor Senshi, defenders of Love and 
Justice, and opportune preventers of further abuse of the works of 
Gilbert and Sullivan had arrived.

      Sailor Moon said, "You didn't pay royalties for the use of that 
song!  Gilbert and Sullivan created their works for fun and 
entertainment, not to be twisted to the service of evil!  For Love and 
Justice, I will punish you in the name of the moon!"

      Everyone began striking poses.  Luckily, having been in a circle, 
they were spread out and no one got poked in the eye.  Very many times.

      Dark Queen Belldandy and Keichiite blinked.  "Hey, I sent hundreds 
of Youma and TWO Generals to deal with you!"

      Sailor Mercury checked her computer.  "Hmm.  Looks like they're at 
Burger King, getting dinner."

      "WHAT ABOUT MY YOUMA ARMY?"

      Sailor Jupiter shrugged.  "Maybe they got arrested for jaywalking."

****************************************************************************

<I can't drive 55, Sammy Hagar>

      The ADPolice spotted six strange creatures crossing the street.  
One of them was a cute girl with red permed hair, dressed in a nice, 
though slightly archaic dress.  She was holding hands with a handsome 
green haired man in a tiger-striped bodysuit, who had two tiny yellow 
horns poking out of his hair.  A girl flew along nearby, also with green 
hair and horns, wearing a tiger-striped bikini.  She was chasing a poor 
hapless human victim, a brown haired boy with a deranged look on his 
face.  Clearly possessed, he was after the fifth and sixth figures, a 
boy with fangs, dressed in archaic garb with a huge bamboo umbrella, and 
his..girlfriend?, a cute brown-haired girl in a blue sundress.      

      They roared up onto the sidewalk to intercept the Youma, only 
causing a few civilian casualties in the process.

      Commander Bert aimed his Mega-Cannon o' Death (TM, patent pending) 
at the hornheaded woman.  "HALT AND DESIST, EVIL MONSTERS FROM BEYOND 
SPACE AND TIME!  PUT YOUR HANDS AND HORNS UP!  ANY FAST MOVES AND I'LL 
VAPORIZE YOU!"

      The woman blinked.  "No time to play!  I have to kill Darling for 
lusting after other women!"

      Everyone completely ignored the ADPolice and kept going.

      The ADPolice prepared to open fire.  Natsumi and Miyuki charged up 
and arrested the lot of them for traffic violations.  The hardest part 
was getting enough tow trucks for all the tanks.  The most fun part was 
the strip search, which was conducted in a VERY literal sense.

***********************************************************************
<YMCA, The Village People>

     Dark Queen Belldandy sighed.  "General Keiichite, destroy them."

     He bigsweated.  "One problem, my Dark Queen."

     "You're not afraid, are you?"

     "Umm...you've been so busy fitting me for uniforms and stuff that 
you never actually taught me how to use any...uh...powers I might have."

     The Senshi all facefaulted in unison.  

     Dark Queen Belldandy sighed.  "If you want something done right..."  
She spun about to the tune of a lively polka, waving her arms and 
chanting in Serbo-Croatian while everyone got up off the floor from their 
face-fault.

     She then began singing, "YMCA!  You're going to die at the...YMCA!!!!"

     The Senshi began to gag.  Sailor Moon tried to make a speech, then 
realized that Dark Queen Belldandy was actually doing the hand gestures 
to the song too.  It was too much for even someone with no taste.  

     Sailor Hammerspace hurled her hammer desperately at Dark Queen 
Belldandy, but General Keiichite hurled himself in the path of the hammer 
and got knocked out.  Sailor Hammerspace fell to her knees.  "No more 
Village People...the humanity...the humanity!!!!!"

     Dark Queen Belldandy then repeated all of John Travolta's dance 
routines from Saturday Night Fever.  A shiny multi-faceted ball began to 
rotate over her.  The Sailors staggered and collapsed.  The sheer weight 
of bad seventies music was overwhelming them.  Sailor Jupiter managed to 
stagger forward a few steps.  It was worst for Sailor Mars, who actually 
HAD taste.  She collapsed, babbling tunelessly, trying to eat her 
transformation pen.  

      Sailor Neptune couldn't stand it either.  She focused, trying to 
build a wall of music inside her mind to shield her from bad disco.  
Slowly, she blocked out the evil.  She stood up gradually.  "You have 
committed a crime against humanity by unleashing the horror of DISCO once 
again.  Now I will..." She paused.

       Dark Queen Belldandy had collapsed.  As usual, she cast one spell 
and passed out.  Sailor Neptune sighed.  Looking around, she saw all the 
other sailors had been reduced to babbling idiocy...if they were lucky.  
Uranus, Spatula, and Mercury had passed out entirely with intense looks 
of agony on their faces.

       Sailor Neptune looked at General Keiichite who laughed nervously.  
"How about if we call it a draw?"  He said, starting to back up.

       "How about if I lock you in a room with Rush Limbaugh?"  Neptune 
was bluffing.  Even Master Pharoah 90 hadn't deserved such a horrid fate.

      General Keichiite screamed and ran for his life.  Unfortunately, 
Sailor Neptune was a better sprinter than he.  "Neptune NOOGIE!"  She 
shouted, grabbing him and noogieing him to the point where he passed 
out.  

       Sailor Neptune laughed.  "Hmm...what to do with you two..."  She 
looked around and saw the sewing machine attached to Dark Queen 
Belldandy's throne.  "Now that gives me an idea....Let's see if she has 
any good straitjacket material lying around..."

*************************************************************************

      BLAM!  Genma knocked Ranma through the wall of the Dojo.  "All 
sex and no practice makes Ranma a WEAK boy!"  Genma shouted.  

      Ranma fell into the pond, as was his fate.  Kasumi smiled.  Time to 
put the new help to use.  "Well, here's your first task to pay off your 
crimes against humanity.  You get to try to keep the Dojo repaired all 
the time."

       General Keiichite blinked.  "But...but...that's not possible!"

       Dark Queen Belldandy sighed.  "Dojo, BE HEALED!" She slapped the 
dojo and all the damage fixed itself.  She then passed out into General 
Keiichite's arms. 

       Ranma-chan promptly leaped out of the pond, ran into the dojo, and 
threw Genma through the wall.  "At least I'm getting some, unlike YOU!"

      General Keiichite sighed.  At least I'll never be bored...

*************************************************************************

<In the Command Center>

      Dark Queen Belldandy stormed off the set.  Things had gone BADLY.  
We're losing control of this, she thought.  Biles must have done 
something.  We'll have to kill him.

       She arrived in the command center to find it was a boiling mix of 
people.  All the hostages were there....so were the Legion of Substitute 
Sailors and most of the casts of all the series involved in this show.   
Dark Queen Skuld was nowhere to be seen.  

     But, for whatever reason, Biles was STILL tied to the chair, despite 
the bevy of people around him...or perhaps because of it.  Rachel and 
Kahm were trying to untie him, but it wasn't quite working...they kept 
getting shoved away.

      The hostages were free.  Curse them.  My army is destroyed...It's 
just me against them.  Skuld must be hiding.  She turned to run, then 
EVERYONE spotted her at once.

       She ran.  The entire cast chased her through the halls of the 
command center.  Finally, she got out of their sight long enough to duck 
into a side hallway.   She breathed a sigh of relief as they tore past 
her, an angry screaming horde.  She stepped out behind them and turned to 
head back the way she had come from.

       To her horror, she suddenly heard a badly modulated electronic 
tune echoing down the hallway.  A pair of greenish spheres came bouncing 
down the hallway at her.  One had an evil smiley face on it, and it was 
chasing a second one, which had an evil smiley face, a red bow on it's 
forehead, and exagerrated eyelashes with gave it a vaguely girlish look.  
Before she could run, they both landed on her and 10000000000000 volts 
ran through her.  She passed out.  Evil Otto and his would-be love kept 
going, leaving a charred and crispy evil queen behind.  




John Walter Biles :  MA-History, Ph.D Wannabe at U. Kansas         
ranma@falcon.cc.ukans.edu       
<My Web pages are currently DEAD until the dnr.org linux box comes online 
in January>

"It is a serious thing to live in a society of possible gods and 
goddesses, to remember that the dullest and most uninteresting person you 
talk to may one day be a creature which, if you saw it now, you would be 
strongly tempted to worship, or else a horror and a corruption such as 
you now meet, if at all, only in a nightmare...There are no ORDINARY 
people.  You have never talked to a mere mortal.  Nations, cultures, 
arts, civilization--these are mortal, and their life is to ours as the 
life of a gnat.  But it is immortals whom we joke with, work with, marry, 
snub, and exploit--immortal horrors or everlasting splendours."
--C.S. Lewis, "The Weight of Glory"