{These characters, except that of Lara, are not property of me. I would never attempt to claim them as my own. This story may not be used without my permission, and may not be used to make money in any way, shape or form. Characters and certain situations were created by Rumiko Takahashi, so don't try any funny stuff!}

DOJO RAIDER! starring Lara Bartram

by Lara Bartram

There's this big weird flash of light, and then I'm not standing where I was two seconds ago. "What the fuck..." are the first words out of my mouth. Of course they're the first words out of my mouth, I have this swearing problem; I curse more than anyone I know.

So I look around. Skinny streets, small houses surrounded by stone walls. I'd think I was in Ohio if they were chain link instead of stone. Well, there's also the serious lack of broken appliances in front yards. Wait, no. In Ohio, the broken appliances are in the BACK yard.

First things first. What the hell happened, where the hell am I, and how the hell do I get back? Easy enough, I think. This is obviously some weird hallucination. I've had them before, when I was real ill. So maybe I'm sick again. I'm probably due for a big illness anyway. Yet, I don't feel sick. I don't have a raging fever, I don't have chills, I feel pretty fuckin' fine. Then it hits me (not literally): one of those God damned author self insertion things. Just kill me now. They're all so stupid, people trying to fix everyone up or having their favorite character fall in love and screwing the author. Whee. Well, ya know...

Nah. I could, but why bother? This is only a fic. I think...

I hope.

Right, OK. I crack my knuckles, popping my wrist too. Rubbing my palms together, I have to plan things out. Just what do I want to do? I've already determined that I am no doubt in Japan, Nerima district. I mean, where else would I end up?

The possibilities are nearly endless. I could do the standard thing and try to fix everyone's problems, but that might be just a little too much to handle. Or I could... cause some mischief. ;)

Tendo dojo. Good enough place to start. But how do I want to work things? I can't just tell everyone how they should act. I need to either convince them to act like that (not likely), or use... alternate methods. Damn I could use some help, and I know none of the inhabitants are going to do it.

Maybe I should just start by meeting my prospective contestants. Or some of them at least. I bang on the gate and wait for someone to answer it.

After a few moments, it opens and I am face to face with Akane Tendo. She looks a little mad. "What do you want?!" she practically screams at me. Musta been a fight.

The second she calls me a gaijin I'm gonna start swinging. But hey, I can actually understand her. Perfectly. "I'm sorry to be a bother, but I was informed at the high school that you might have an available room for someone to stay temporarily." Cool, I can speak it pretty damn well too.

"The high school?" she asks, all confused.

"Yeah. I'm going to be observing classes at Furinkan while I'm here. I need a place to stay for a couple weeks and the secretary suggested I come here." Best lie I've ever come up with off the top of my head.

"Of course. Come right in."

She's not happy, I can tell. Doesn't matter though because she eventually will be.

"This is my older sister Nabiki."

Nabiki looks at me. I look at her. It appears to be disinterest, but it's a lot more dangerous than that.

"Nice to meet you," I say.

"This is..." Akane looks at me. "I never got your name." She looks embarrassed. Those silly Japanese people. Like she's a "proper" Japanese girl anyway.

"No problem. Lara Bartram."

Nabiki is still looking at me. "That name sounds familiar to me," she says.

I look back at her. "It's familiar to me too," I say.

She snorts and walks away. Well hey, if you can't take the heat, get out of the kitchen.

"Don't mind her. She's always like that."

I nod. I know.

The rest of the introductions proceed as expected. Ranma turns into a girl, Genma a panda, Soun cries, Kasumi offers me something to eat and Happosai eats one scarred elbow making a break for my chest. Great. Over half the participants in one house. That'll make things convenient.

[13 DAYS]

I hated high school. I hate Japanese high schools more. What a nightmare. And I had to walk. Fer Christ's sake, what kind of backward place is this?

But, I did get a nice perk before classes began. I wish I had a camera. I kinda wish I didn't have to do this to him, but I didn't want to play favorites.

Akane introduced me after the fact to her illustrious sempai. That was OK, I already knew who he was. I just add one more to my list. I think I might actually be afraid of his sister. If she ever found out some of the stuff I wrote about her... That's not a pleasant thought.

The last three I don't want to deal with because they're all so annoying, but boy do I want to get them good. That means I wait for my opportunities. I hate waiting.

It's a bit annoying. I know where stuff is, but I have a hard time finding my way around. And walking is woefully inefficient. Che. What a pain in the ass. Really though, these two should be a snap to set up. They're so damn easy to fool.

I figure starting easy and getting into the swing of things is the way to go, and it won't get any easier than them. So I hunt my way around until I finally see that huge-ass house. Wow.

Now how do I get inside? Hmm. Knocking maybe? So I go to the nearest gate and knock just like I did at the Tendo's. Then I wonder if I'm in manga or anime continuity. Will the gate be answered by a ninja that I get the urge to smack? Will Tatewaki look like he's 25 or 17?

The gate suddenly flies open and there's Tatewaki, and he looks like he's 17. Aww... how cute. Anyway, he looks at me (and I start getting tired of people looking at me like that), and starts talking. Thou this and didst that...

I cut him off simply by saying, "I have information concerning your pig-tailed goddess."

He grabs my arm and yanks me inside the gate, slamming it shut. "Reveal thy information, woman!"

Riiiight. "Of course. During my stay at the Tendo domicile, I have heard the poor pig-tailed girl bemoan her fate. It was during this time that she called out for you."

And the tears flow like a river.

I had to cut him off again. "In the darkness of the night, I went to her. We made a plan to free her and visit you to break the sorcerer's hold on her." This I'm whispering so it seems extra secret.

"Oh. Pray tell, what is this plan?"

"You must..." Shit. I had gone against my original plan. Time to improvise. "Dress as the sorcerer and wait at a secret location until she arrives. Only by dressing as the sorcerer can you break the curse; it is the only way she can get close to you. You must not speak either. Or turn on the lights. If you do everything as I have said, she will come willingly into your arms."

His attention was putty in my hands.

"And where wouldst this secret location be?"

Why, some gaudy little love hotel in the heart of Tokyo of course. :)

Now to talk to his sister. I agreed to provide the necessary getup for Tatewaki or he'd probably get it all wrong. And I really want everything to be just... perfect.

"Kodachi," I say when I see her on the street. She looks normal. Weird.

"And what do you wish of me, peasant?"

At least she's not calling me gaijin. Technically, in comparison with the Kuno fortune, I am a peasant, so... eh. I've been called worse things anyway.

"I have news concerning your love."

"Ranma-sama? Tell me!"

Dragging the girl to someplace more secluded, I explain to her the plan. "He fears that scarlet-haired witch. Whilst I was in the company of the Tendos, he spoke to me confidentially. He wishes to meet you away from Nerima."

"Continue."

"Unfortunately, to break the bond between your love and the witch, there is only one way to do it. When you meet him you must dress as the witch and you must not speak. Only with the complete illusion can you make Ranma yours."

Everything is quiet for a bit before Kodachi nods. "Tell me where and when I must meet my Ranma-sama."

The important thing is to do things in steps. No one will ever admit what's happened, so I know I can take my time with them. And Jesus, this I GOTTA see. Well, the aftermath at least... Um, that didn't sound right. I gotta see their faces when they walk out of that love hotel.

So I set them up in two days at 11 sharp. It was a bit of a pain supplying them with outfits, but it was one of those necessary evils. I got a room, one of the expensive ones, told Tatewaki what room he should be in at 10:30 to prepare for his goddess, and made sure he understood there was no yelling, poetry, glomping or flowers, lest his chance to get lucky be ruined. ;)

[12 DAYS]

"Miss Hinako, that is a lovely dress you have on. Where did you get it?" I ask, walking up behind her.

She turns with that huge smile on her face, chocolate from the cookies she was eating around her mouth. "Do you really like it? I got it from..."

Gears begin to turn.

"Akane, how late does Kasumi usually stay up?"

"What time? Why?"

I shrug. "I don't know. I just hear her up late."

"I'm not really sure. Maybe 11 or 12. I'm usually asleep by the time she finishes downstairs."

Well then, that won't be the only thing.

"Kasumi, you should try this dress on. It'll look great on you."

"Why thank you, but I simply couldn't."

"No way. You've got to! Come on, you need to cut loose once in a while. Get out of those dumpy old aprons and try something different. Besides, I bet Dr. Tofu would love it."

She blushes and takes the dress.

"In fact, I bet he'll be showing up later tonight to see you." I give her a sly wink and she blushes more.

"Excuse me, Mr. Tendo, I just wanted to thank you for allowing me to stay here while I'm in Japan."

He does that stupid little laugh. "Well, it was really no problem."

"As a small token of my appreciation, I'd like to treat you to dinner." Apparently my reputation for not paying for anything I don't have to has followed me because I can see he's kind of unsure about it. "Maybe some loach with sake and beer..." So I've heard that this loach is good stuff and I kind of want to try it for myself, and I have a very distinct feeling Soun won't pass up free sake or food.

"It would be impolite of me to decline your offer. When were you thinking?"

Hook, line and sinker, baby. "Tonight actually. If it's not too big of an inconvenience."

"Of course not. You're the guest after all."

Wow. This is so cool. :)

"Psst, Kasumi," I whisper to her.

"Yes?"

"A little birdie told me the doctor will be over tonight around 11. You might want to be here to greet him in that dress."

She blushes a little more and nods.

"Now, Kasumi," I say quietly still. "You can't be nervous around him. You have to be relaxed. He's a doctor and he's probably used to sophisticated women coming on to... I mean, flirting with him. You need to be cool."

Kasumi looks at me weird and I can tell she knows what I mean, but not what to do about it.

So I whisper, "I think you should maybe try out some sake before he gets here to calm your nerves." And start her smelling like a paint thinner factory.

Kasumi shakes her head, but she kinda has this thoughtful look on her face.

Cha ching.

***

Damn it. She was looking at me again. "It's not polite to stare," I say.

"I don't trust Americans, and I don't trust you."

"That's cool. I wouldn't trust me either." I smile at her, but I can feel one eyebrow arch subconsciously. I've just presented her with my 'I'm about to do something bad' look.

I don't know if bad was quite the right word.

"Mr. Tendo, you look very nice." I have to compliment because he's not in that raggy old gi for once.

I'm not exactly a fashion plate, but I'm acceptable enough. He looks like he could be my father anyway... sorta. "Are we ready?" I ask all innocent like. Playing innocent was one thing I was good at.

Soun nods.

Good thing I mysteriously had a wad of money big enough to choke a horse with.

I help Soun stagger home. He smells like a gallon of paint thinner. Talk about stank. We get back to the dojo and it's about 10 minutes to 11. I keep him outside for 5 minutes or so, and thankfully he's so drunk, he's not singing or making noise... He's just about passed out in fact.

"Come on, Mr. Tendo," I say, dragging him toward the door. "I think you've got a visitor."

He says something all slurry that I can't understand, so I push the subject. "I think it might be Miss Hinako. It kind of looks like her dress." Feh, he's so drunk, he won't know how I know it looks like her dress even though we're outside. "She's pretty tall for being Japanese," I add so he knows she's in her adult form. :)

He mumbles something else, but makes like he wants the door open. Aha.

"Yeah, I think you should just go on in there and... you know. She obviously likes you. I think this is what she's been waiting for all this time..."

Soun breaks from my hold on him nearly busts through the door. I didn't notice before that the suit he's wearing kinda looks like the one Tofu wears at the end of the OAVs.

This is where I make my exit. Fast.

[11 DAYS]

OK, so who's next? Maybe... heh. This'll be a little tougher as Cologne is one seriously old nut to break, but I'll get her. And her little purple-haired bimbo of a granddaughter too.

The Nekohanten it is. I just need to have a conversation with Shampoo alone. If Mousse hears me, he'll ruin it. And I don't even want to think about it if Cologne were to hear what I planned on telling Shamps.

Hmm. If I can get her to deliver some ramen, that'll work. But I can't do it from the Tendo's, and I don't want to be around there too much considering the previous night's... events. Poor Soun. I'm sure he doesn't remember a damn thing. I should have stayed to see what happened, but I had gotten a little spooked. A little..

Park, public phone, picnic... That'll pass. So once I'm at the park, or close by, I find a phone and call the Cat Hair Cafe.

That dried up old turkey liver answers.

"Yeah, I'd like an order of deluxe, um, pork ramen delivered. I'm at the park and decided on a picnic lunch. I hear you've got the best ramen in town." I don't make sucking up a practice, but I know how to do it.

"Your order will be there in a few minutes."

"Thanks." I hang up the phone. "Ya wrinkled up brainwashing old bat."

I go to wait for Shamps to show up on her bike, then I can have that little talk. I just hope she believes me; I wonder if the bond of sisterhood is strong enough that she'll actually believe me... Never know until you try. :)

A few minutes later (damn they were quick), here comes Shampoo, toodling away on her bike. I raise my hand to get her attention and let her know the order's for me. She pulls up, that big smile on her face. She looks extra vacant today.

"Ramen cost 500 yen please," she says.

She doesn't sound nearly as stupid as I thought she would. I pass her the money and take the food before I ask, "Have you managed to marry that Ranma guy yet?"

I thought she might be a little suspicious, someone asking her this out of nowhere, but nope. She just looks kind of sad, but determined. "Airen not see that Shampoo better wife than violent girl. Not yet."

I nod with mock sympathy, then I get this insanely exaggerated look of thought on my face. "But you're joku... joko... a Chinese Amazon, right?" I ask.

Shamps nods.

"Why don't you just use the secret technique of Amazon reluctant husband seduction?" I say nonchalantly while inspecting the ramen.

"What? How you know about Amazon secret techniques?"

Oh shit. Did I just stumble on a real technique? "Uh..."

"Shampoo never hear of that technique. How you know about it?"

Phew. I think I just dodged a bullet or two there. "Well." Ah shit. "That's not important. The important thing is why you haven't used it if you love him."

Shampoo looks as thoughtful as she can while she considers what I said.

"I bet your grandmother could tell you. She's an elder, right?"

Shampoo nods and looks at me. "How you know?"

Easy one there. "I heard Mousse talking about it."

Shampoo starts swearing in Chinese. I hear Mousse's name mentioned a couple times and know that things are working.

"I mean, that'd work on Ranma right?" I ask innocently.

"Shampoo guess so. But great-grandmother never mention this technique..."

"Maybe she knows how potent it is. She's probably afraid of you hurting yourself or something. You know how over-protective grandparents can be."

Shampoo nods. "Maybe I ask."

"You could. You can probably find all sorts of stuff like that on the internet too. I can't believe no one else has anything like that floating around. Maybe if you practiced a little, then demonstrated it to your grandmother, she'd be convinced enough to show you." This would be tough, and I think I'll probably be running for my life after it happens, but how can I pass it up?

"Not bad idea. Great-grandmother always say Shampoo must be strong to get strong husband. If I beat great-grandmother, she teach me new techniques to get airen with."

She was thinking aloud, not that I'm all that surprised. She probably tries to read the words when they come out of her mouth.

But my good deed is done, and I thank her and watch her ride away. Oh boy, this is really fun. ;)

Oh shit. It's like 5 and I have to get ready. I have a date to observe this evening. So I need to rent a tiny camera and set it up in a certain love motel room. I know the grin I've got on my face is crazy, but this is too fuckin' funny.

I notice that when I'm done, my wad of cash is smaller than before, but I'm sure I can call on my author powers to rectify that. So I find a cozy place outside that hotel at approximately 10:15 and prepare to be waiting for a while, spare camera in hand.

I am very glad I slept in late that morning, because it's approaching sunup and I haven't seen those two lovebirds exit the hotel yet. I really need some sleep... Oh, thank God, here they come. I get my camera ready, though they've been in there way too long for this to be a surprise to them.

And as I watch them, they walk away slowly, calmly, and that's a lot more frightening than anything else. Damn, I gotta get that tape out of there.

[10 DAYS]

Okay, two and a half reluctant couples... ah crap, I forgot about Nabiki. Fine, she's as easy to manipulate as she thinks everyone else is. But I need something she won't pass up on. If she doesn't think it's worth her time, she won't do it.

Money. It always comes down to that, but I don't have enough to make it worth her while. I stare at the video tape in front of me, trying to think of something that will be absolutely irresistible to her.

My brain needs a rest. It just refuses to think any longer, and I STILL haven't had any sleep. Now I've got that goofy sleep-deprived grin on my face. I try to look serious for a moment. Yes, I must watch this tape to make sure the picture quality is good. That's it. I can't hold that serious look and start smiling again.

Yeah, I'm a pervert. No one's sued me for it yet. ;)

I can't say where I am. I don't want anyone to find me, and especially not when I'm about to look at this tape. I giggle guiltily. I'm so bad. I push play after rewinding it, and it begins.

I have to blink rapidly for several seconds because my eyes are getting dried out. And I really need some water or something. And when did it get so warm in here? Holy shit, I think they liked it. I suppose that's not a surprise, but damn. Damn. Double damn. I mean, holy shit.

There was a moment in the tape where they each start actually... ahem, reaching their peaks, and that's when Tatewaki started. I guess he couldn't hold it back any longer and started yelling out for his pig-tailed goddess, and Kodachi... She wasn't any better, screaming out for Ranma-sama.

Oh, oh boy. These were the Kuno siblings, and they weren't about to stop until they were done. Or maybe they just didn't notice. Either way, it wasn't until they were relaxing in the afterglow that it hit them.

"Pig-tailed goddess?"

"Ranma-sama?"

I bust out laughing as the two puzzled through what had just happened. They weren't happy at all about the fact that they had just been boffing each other, jumping to the completely wrong conclusion, thinking the sorcerer and the witch had sabotaged their meetings... What a riot!

But then, Lord help me, it went something like this:

"Tatchi..."

My eyes bug out.

"Kotchi..."

They bug out more.

The rest is unmentionable, though there were no more mentions of the pig-tailed goddess or Ranma-sama. ;)

Sleep is needed. Oh boy, I finally had what Nabiki would want if only for the blackmail material. Anything else, I don't want to think about. I'll take care of her later, probably after she gets home from school.

***

Funny, I hadn't seen Soun or Kasumi at all. But that's fine because I can manage to fix my own food. I'm making a snack when Nabiki gets home. "Hungry?" I ask when she walks into the kitchen.

Her stares don't bother me now because this is gonna be so much fun. She doesn't say anything, just giving me a dirty look.

"I've got something I want to show you," I say, still working on the food. "And then, I suppose I have a... proposition for you."

"Proposition?"

"Yeah. We need to go someplace a little more private though. I don't want anyone walking in. And a VCR. Need one of those too. Just after my food is done."

"So why are you here?" Nabiki asks. So much for small talk.

"Wish I knew. Really." I slurp my soup as Nabiki stares. God damn it.

"So what do you want then?"

"First, I want you to watch this teaser I... obtained." I pop the tape in the VCR and hit play. I watch Nabiki's face as the picture comes up. At first, she's her usual self, but when she sees exactly what's going on and who's involved... Heh.

"Is that..."

"You betcher ass it is. And you thought they were fucked up before..." I pause the tape.

Nabiki manages to stop staring at the TV to look back at me. "Who the hell are you?" she asks.

"Just me. And now, here's my proposition. That tape was only five minutes of... a lot of hours. I know how you operate; that tape is all yours, plus a hefty cash bonus, if you manage to meet my challenge." I smile a little.

She smirks. "How original. And if I lose?"

Oh good. She IS interested. But I knew she would be. SEVEN HOURS! How could someone NOT be? Pulling myself together, I say, "If you lose, it's simple. All you have to do is seduce Akane."

Hey, it's someone else's turn to have their eyes bug out. "Sed... Akane?"

I nod, and finally smile something fiercely huge and smug. "Yep. You put your best moves on your little sister, you take advantage of your little sister." Now I point at the TV screen, which is paused in a very interesting spot. "You do all the things you fantasized about Kuno doing to you to your little sister." Kuno, Ranma, whoever, as long as she gets my point.

"Now, if you're too afraid of losing, that's fine. I realize how... scared you might be. And that tape... I could imagine the mileage you'd get out of it, the money you'd get out of the Kuno family coffers..." So sweet... "It's a very simple challenge. A simple game is all."

Amazingly, Nabiki recovers a lot quicker than anyone I would've figured to after the two bombs I dropped. "Be more specific."

I shrug, still smiling. "What's your favorite board game?" The answer I would have assumed would be Monopoly. I have never liked Monopoly.

"Monopoly," she says, and I smirk.

"Well, this game is quite similar to Monopoly. So what do you think? It's either your gain or... Akane's gain." I wouldn't call the smile I gave her evil, but I bet some people would.

"Agreed." What a laugh. She's just as prideful as the rest of them, just in a different manner. "Now what's the game?" she asks.

"Let me get it and show you." Author powers kick ass because when I leave the room and go to the room they had been letting me stay in, there's the game. I grab it and go to show Nabiki. Something tells me she won't be happy.

I hold up the green box for her to see and she nearly pulls a facefault. I look at her then the front of the box to make sure I have the right one. Yep, that's it. 'Go For Broke' is the game I had picked for us to play.

I sit down as she's recovering. "See, what I like about this game is that it's different. The object is to LOSE all your money, not have more than the other players." She does that facefault thing again and it looks painful.

And so it starts, and it takes forever it seems like. I should have remembered how long it took to play this game. But I have the upper hand because I have experience in playing the game and I keep my goals in focus. In this case, getting $1 million is not a good thing.

Things progress with Nabiki not ever quite able to get rid of the last of her money. On the other hand, my cash supply is dwindling and soon enough is gone. I am the victor. Heh heh heh.

Nabiki looks like she might fall over and die right there. So I decide to be generous. "I'll give you a second chance. You answer my question and I'll give you the money and the tape."

She looks at me with murder in her eyes and nods.

"Good good. Describe, in detail..." I say this next part in English, slipping the two rings off my right hand. "A hurts donut."

I can see she's trying to recall what kind of pastry that is. "There is no such thing," she says finally, though she's not really sure.

I stand up and Nabiki does likewise. "Sorry, you're wrong," I say quietly. I cock my arm back and drive it forward right into her nice tender shoulder. I hurt my fist, but not nearly as much as her shoulder as she spins around and wipes out on her desk.

I stand over her, and with a huge grin say, in English, "Hurts, don't it?"

Hoo boy. I have never seen someone look soooo pissed. ;)

[9 DAYS]

"I'm ho..."

The pan makes a weird clonk sound when it connects with Ranma's head. I expected a bong, or clang, or clank or something, but no. Clonk. I've never heard a clonk before. Maybe that means I hit him just right. I sure hope so because I don't want to be on his bad side.

I drag him away, outside where no one can see and go to fetch some hot water. Don't want the poor girl waking up and having a heart attack, do I now?

"Are you OK?" I ask Ranko as she opens her eyes. I hope it's a she. Please let it be Ranko... Please let it be Ranko...

"Oh my," she says, putting her hand to her head. "What happened?" She looks around, fluttering her eyelashes.

I celebrate inside; it's Ranko. It worked.

"You got a nasty bump. Looked pretty serious. How do you feel?" I ask her, helping her to sit up.

"F... fine." She sounds real nervous.

"Is there something else wrong?" I ask.

She looks at me and asks, "Who are you?"

Amnesia. That can only assist me.

"I'm just a guest at this house where you're staying." Heck, it's even the truth.

"Oh." Still she's looking confused. I have to get her out of view before people start blabbing.

"Come on, Ranko, why don't you just lay down in your room."

"Sure..."

I shut Ranko safely up in her room and move on to Genma. I'm still not totally sure what I'm going to do with him. I mean, he'd probably toss his cookies if I suggested that he should... Well, feh.

"Um..."

I turn and see Ranko there, looking very embarrassed and uncomfortable. "What is it? You should be laying down!" I say, looking around and hoping no one else has seen her.

"Well, I wanted to change into some different clothes, but all I could find were a bunch of boys clothing..."

Oh right. Damn it... Or maybe not. I think that's it. Normally, doing something like this would need the cooperation of Ranma, and trying to get him to lie effectively is nigh impossible. But Ranko, she doesn't need to lie. She won't look uncomfortable in a dress, or lose her balance in high heels, and she'll most likely want to change her hair... Possibly even color it or highlight it.

"Right. I'll get you some more appropriate clothes. You just go back and rest for now." Oh yeah, I'll have her set up and good.

The cash is getting very low. Hopefully this is the last time I'll need it, but I save myself about 1000 yen just in case. I look at what I've just traded everything but that 1000 yen away for. Coupons. A lot of them. For an all you can eat surf and turf buffet. No expiration date.

"Yo, Mr. Saotome," I say when I saw him waddling by in panda form. "I wanna talk to you about something."

"Gawr rawf?"

"It'll only take a couple seconds. I'm sure you'll find it worth your while." Come on, you stupid putz...

He nods and comes over to listen to what I have to say. "Look, I know this girl, we just met the other day, and well... I was hoping you could do something for her."

He whips one of those signs out that says {Like what?}

"It's kinda delicate, you know? She's a... she hasn't... She's pure, and she wants a man to show her the ways, if you know what I mean."

He gives me this blank look, but realization begins to dawn on him. He pulls out another sign. {I'm a married man!}

"Man, eh? Well, this girl wants you to do her a service, not marry her."

{I couldn't possibly break my marital vows.} the sign says.

"She did say to give you these if you agreed, but since you won't..." I made sure he saw the coupons, saw how many there were, and started to walk away. "I guess I'll just have to burn these."

{Now just hold it a second...}

He flips the sign over. {Maybe we can work something out...}

[8 DAYS]

Now where is that stupid cow? I need that schmuck to complete my plans. Or maybe I should take care of Happosai first... He might actually be the easier of the two. Hmm. Yes, I think him first. And that entails a trip to the Cat Hair Cafe. I hope I don't interrupt anything. :)

The sign says it's closed. That's pretty weird since the place should be open right now. I peer through the door, trying to see inside, but all is dark.

I try the handle and find it unlocked. This'll make things easier. Guess they're a lot more trusting in China about leaving their doors unlocked.

I go into the restaurant and it's quiet except for some quiet quacking from Mousse locked in his cage in back someplace. Well then, this'll be easier than I thought. I go back into the kitchen and look over the shelves of spices and herbs and all that other crap.

One thing in particular I'm looking for, but anything else that would cause trouble would be OK too. Aha. That anti-woman stuff. Perfect.

Strangely enough, a cask on the counter practically screams to be looked at. Lo and behold, a cask of water from the infamous spring of drowned girl. I look at the cask of water and try to generate some possibilities. Then the two bottles catch my eye.

Knowing kanji, I can see that one is either chicken beaks and sewage water or passion spice. Why the hell would they just leave passion spice sitting around? How incredibly stupid can you be? But the little bottle next to it is even better. Hate herbs. I slap my forehead. Shamps probably OD'd on spices since they're all sitting next together like that... Damn, probably half of Nerima was hopped up on some weird combination of Chinese spices and herbs.

I stop suddenly, my eyes fixed on the passion spice. I look at it, then at the cask. I look at the passion spice again, then the cask of water. I toss away the anti-woman stuff and grab the girl water. This'll be a lot more fun!

I hold the bottle of passion spice up to see how much is there, to see how much I can use safely. Enough, and when I get ready to leave, I notice some similar looking powder on the counter. Oh no, I don't even want to think about it. I shudder. Pocketing the stuff I borrowed, I leave the kitchen, and then I hear it. And I wish I didn't.

It's Chinese. One young sounding female voice, and one *shudder* older voice that if I didn't know, I wouldn't know if it was male of female. That is my cue to get the fuck out of here before my brain turns to stone or something.

Rushing out, I'm missing one element to this plan. Damn it, where is that cow-boy? He better show up soon or everything will be ruined.

So I'm jogging back to the dojo when I see the Kunos, and at the last minute hide in a doorway. I don't want to take any chances with them. I plaster myself to the wall and hold my breath as they walk past. Not a single glance is given in my direction.

They walk away and I watch them, and if I'm lying, I'm dying when I say they held hands at one point.

I shiver involuntarily and head back to the dojo. That was very... weird. I wonder if anyone else knows about it?

***

It's dark, night out. I'm sitting downstairs with Akane and Nabiki, and we're all watching TV. I'm barely paying attention really; I'm pretty beat. The last week has been quite... active for me and I haven't slept very well.

I offer the bowl of popcorn I've been munching on to Akane, who takes it gratefully. She happily begins eating, and all is well with the world.

"Hey, Nabiki, how much you wanna bet the Kunos are enjoying each other's company?" I ask, smiling darkly.

She looks at me blankly. "Nothing."

Akane looks at Nabiki and she's surprised. It would be to someone who didn't know the things Nabiki and I knew about those crazy Kunos. Akane turns her attention back to the TV when she sees how grumpy looking her older sister is.

I know exactly what Nabiki's thinking and all I do is gesture at Akane with my head, still smiling.

Nabiki scowls at me and I can feel the ice in the room. It doesn't manage to lessen my smile though.

She maintains her look for a bit before I see her lose that edge. This is it! Not that I'm gonna watch or anything. That's not really my thing.

Nabiki scoots over to sit next to Akane. I think she's sitting a little closer than most sisters would, but Nabiki's smart. "Can I share that popcorn, Akane?" she asks.

Akane doesn't seem to notice that Nabiki is sitting a lot closer than she should be. "Sure!" She sets the bowl where Nabiki can easily reach it and continues watching TV.

The girl is thick. There's no way around it. She's nice enough and all, but she seems to have that same problem about not seeing reality very well.

I fake a yawn. "Well, I think I'll be heading up to bed. G'night," I say, standing up and stretching.

"Good night," Akane says.

Nabiki glares at me and I wink at her.

I silently mouth 'good luck' and start to walk away. I look back in time to see Nabiki put her arm around Akane like they're on a date. I really want to stay and at least see if things get going, but I'm so tired, I can't stop yawning. Beddy bye for me.

[7 DAYS]

I come downstairs, feeling half-dead. I always feel that way in the morning no matter how much sleep I get. No matter how dead I feel... Nabiki looks ten times worse.

"Good morning, sunshine," I say to her and manage to crack a smile.

Woo hoo hoo. She IS mad. "It wasn't that bad was it?" I ask.

She only glares at me and then rolls up her sleeve so I can see her arm. There's a nasty looking bruise blooming in 5 colors there. Ouch.

"Akane did that?" I say looking at the bruise.

She nods.

"Your little sister is one kinky girl," I say almost under my breath. "What about your shoulder?"

She rolls up her other sleeve and reveals a bruise about the size of a grapefruit. That looks like it musta REALLY hurt when it happened. Heh. Whoops. Wait, half my face had been seven colors way back when I had surgery over my eye. A little soft spot on her shoulder isn't going to hurt.

"Hey," I say, trying to put a good spin on things, "at least I didn't hit ON you."

She turns away in disgust to head to the bathroom and the light reflects off the shiny, poofy flesh under her eye.

I'm about to say something when Akane comes skipping down the stairs. She's smiling and she looks happy, and oh no, I don't wanna think about it...

All I can say is the sooner I'm out of here, the better.

"How'd you sleep?" I ask her.

"Great!" She looks at Nabiki's back, then back at me when Nabiki shuts the bathroom door.

I pretend I don't notice those silly looks she's giving her sister and begin eating. I suppose it really was Akane's gain since she seems even happier than the Kunos about things. I don't think I'll ever figure people out; they're just too weird.

"So, what do you think you'll be doing tonight?" I ask out of curiosity. It appears that I've totally turned Nerima upside down because the place is just so quiet.

Akane shrugs, glancing towards the bathroom every once in a bit. "Nothing probably. I don't think Nabiki's doing anything tonight; maybe I'll stay home and rent a movie to watch with her."

I bet. :)

***

Is it luck or something else? I don't know, but I'm not questioning it either. It just seems that stuff is falling into place, and that helps me.

And the most unpredictable piece has fallen into place. Not that I was really planning anything that involved him, but this would just be funny.

"Hey! Hold up!" I have to jog to catch up with him. "Hey there, would you mind if I took you out to lunch?"

"Who are you?" he asks, completely befuddled. Typical. Moron.

"I'm a friend of Akane's." This was more true than I had ever really considered, even if Akane wasn't aware of it.

"Akane..." Right away he spaces out. Wow, this'll make things easier than I thought.

"Come on, retard. We're going to Ucchan's," I say and grab his arm, dragging him away.

I shove the lifeless husk into chair, making sure his eyes are still covered by the bandanna. "Service," I say loudly, but not too impolitely.

"What'll it be?" Ukyo asks from her spot behind the grill.

"Two specials," I answer.

Ukyo looks at me and nods, then at Ryoga. "Did you mention Akane around him?" she asks.

"Yep. I was gonna take him out to lunch and he asked who I was. I've never gotten such a positive reaction from saying I was a friend of Akane's."

"Friend of Akane's?"

"Well, not really, but I'm staying at the Tendo's while I'm here in Japan. I'll only be here another week." Amazing. Ukyo's actually personable and friendly. You'd never know the heart of an obssessive- compulsive psychopath beats in her chest. "The place looks a little dead," I say, looking around. "Why don't you join us?"

Ukyo looks hesitant, then looks at the absence of customers and shrugs. "What the hell... Let me finish up your food."

A few minutes later, Ukyo sits down at the table with three plates of okonomiyaki. She smiles and she almost looks well-adjusted. "Have you ever had okonomiyaki before?" she asks.

"Nope," I answer and begin the task of trying to wake Ryoga up. I remove the bandanna from his eyes (the problem with doing things by the seat of your pants - you often do things for no real reason) and slap him, hard, across the face. "Yo, pig! Wake the hell up!"

Apparently, the pig thing got to him because his eyes roll back from up in his head and he looks around. "Where..."

"My restaurant. Eat up," Ukyo answers, pointing at the okonomiyaki. "I even left off the pork since you seem to hate it so much."

Ryoga looks confused, but just goes with the flow and we all start to eat.

About half way through the food, I ask, "Hey, Ukyo, do you think you could go get some drinks? This is a little spicy."

She laughs a little and says, "Sure." She gets up and goes to get something to drink.

I immediately drop my napkin on the floor. "Hey, Ryoga, could you pick that up for me?"

He nods and immediately bends down to get it. Of course, the napkin is down by my feet, so he has to get on his hands and knees under the table to get it.

I pull the secret sauce ingredients out and sprinkle some on Ukyo's and Ryoga's food, then stow them as Ukyo returns with some water.

"Where's Ryoga?" she asks.

"Um..." I look under the table and he's disappeared. Damn it, how the hell does he do that?

"Where am I!?" Ryoga yells from the other side of the restaurant. and both Ukyo and I bust out laughing.

"Thanks for getting my napkin, Ryoga," I say as he returns to the table. And now my timing is so important...

Both of them are about to take another bite when I interrupt. "Where's the restroom?"

"Over by the grill," Ukyo says, pointing back.

"Thanks." I get up and walk nonchalantly back there when I really wish I was running.

I get in the bathroom and close the door. No point in locking it really. I figure those two could bust it down anyway if they figure out what I did. I keep waiting to hear some shouting, or threats, or them marching toward the bathroom, but there's only silence.

Then all hell breaks loose and I open the door a crack.

"Get AWAY from me!" Ryoga yells, standing up and knocking his chair over.

"But Ryo-chan... I LOVE you! I WANT you! I want to feel your fangs biting my..."

Ryoga cuts her off screaming bloody murder, then fires a ki blast towards her.

Ukyo's pretty spry though and springs aside, immediately diving, arm outstretched, for Ryoga's package.

Eek. I guess I didn't really predict that this would happen. I just expected those two to engage in rough and kinky sex or something.

Ryoga knocks over the table, keeping Ukyo away from him and his little piggy. "Don't get NEAR me!" He steps back, tripping over his chair.

"Come 'ere, Ryoga. This'll be fun," Ukyo says, advancing on him, hands curved into claws. I think she's drooling a little.

"AHHH! No! Don't touch me! Get away!" Ryoga scrambles to his feet and takes off out of the restaurant.

"Get back here!" Ukyo yells after him and follows.

And there is silence once again. ;)

[6 DAYS]

It's the scheduled time for Ranko and Genma. Yuck that sounds disgusting. I have to kinda talk Ranko through this so she knows everything's going to be OK. She is a virgin, or I assume she is. She sure acts like one. But it takes some elaborate lie-spinning before I can convince her that this is the right thing to do.

Too bad she's not more like her father and I could just wave a stack of pancakes in front of her face... But that's not very nice. She's a lot nicer, friendlier, intelligent... Everything that Genma isn't.

I hand Ranko a cup of warm sake. She doesn't need to be drunk, just a little loose.

"OK, Ranko. You remember everything I told you about him, right?"

Ranko looks nervous about this, but she doesn't need to be. She nods a little reluctantly.

"You look great! Your hair looks fabulous; much better than that old braid. And your makeup is exquisite!" I praise her, relaxing her somewhat.

"Don't worry. He'll know. And make sure you say it afterwards. During and you might scare him away. Men are very sensitive after all." Yeah, about as sensitive as a dismembered penis.

I stop talking because I realize I'm not making any sense to myself, let alone Ranko. Lack of sleep is catching up with me fast. "Anyway, Ranko, just know that he loves you, otherwise he wouldn't have taken care of you all these years, ever since he found you abandoned on the road side..." What a complete bullshit story. I can't believe she actually thinks it's true.

Ranko nods, her eyes wide and shining.

[5 DAYS]

Still no sign of bovine-boy. Time is running down. I feel real nervous with that water sitting around, not that it would be a big deal to me, but someone else might find it and use it. I just want to do this so I can sit and watch everything explode around me. :)

Any more of this waiting and I just might go insane myself and decide to stay here... I doodle on a piece of paper, unable to hold still for very long. Oh, I really hate waiting.

Basically, I stay in my room. I don't want to have any more contact with the others than I have to. It can't lead to anything good.

[4 DAYS]

My first glimpse of him. Man, he looks like an even bigger wuss in real life than he did in the manga. Some intimidating force Pantyhose is. It looks like he borrowed some of Kodachi's eyeshadow for God's sake. He should probably count himself lucky Happosai didn't name him Makeup.

But I have more important things to do than make fun of nylon child, so as he drops by (out of chance, I suppose) I head out to meet him.

"Hey fem-boy!" he yells from his spot next to the pond.

Too bad Ranko doesn't respond to the taunts. Yeah, some taunt. I've heard better ones from 7 year olds.

Downstairs, I just need to coax Happosai out of his room to set Taro off. I've got the cask under one arm and hastily mix some of the passion spice into it.

I go to Happosai's room and knock on the door. There's a satisfied call of 'panties!' before the door opens slowly and the little turd pokes his head out.

"Happosai, I gotta show you this..." I say. It's the best thing I can come up with at the moment.

"Sorry, I've got some panty sorting to do."

"Dang, I guess I'll just have to throw all those panties away then," I say. "I just thought you might..."

"Where!?" Happosai shoots out of his room like he's got rockets in the bottom of his feet.

"Outsi..." I start to say but he's gone.

Then I hear the two of them and run to see what they're up to, careful not spill any of the water.

"You old goat, I'll make you change my name if it's the last thing I do," Taro threatens.

"Where's the panties?" Happosai asks, completely ignoring Pantyhose.

"Damn it, old man. You can't ignore me!" Taro charges Happosai, his vaunted patience and quickness no match for Happi, who sidesteps. Taro flies past Happosai and smashes against a wall.

Damn it. That's the house they're starting to destroy...

Taro stands up and shakes his head, getting the cobwebs out. "You've made a fool out of me for the last time, old man," he says. A weird flickering light appears around Taro's body. This must be a real battle aura.

Huh. Neat trick. But Happi's got his D-cells powered up and also has a battle aura. His is a lot more impressive than Pantyhose's. Naturally that doesn't keep Taro from charging the little man.

This time, Happi doesn't dodge Taro when he charges, and there's a flare of light as their two auras meet.

Crossing my fingers and knocking on wood, I take the cask on both hands and fling its contents at the bright light. I then drop the cask and hide around the corner.

The light disappears almost immediately and there isn't any shouting or anything. I peer around the corner and what do I see? A big, stupid looking cow monster and a short, yet curvy, young girl. And they're looking at each other dreamily. Lucky for me, they each happened to swallow some of that passion spice or whatever.

The mouths of gift horses... don't look into them. :)

[1 DAY]

It's a school day. I've got one last thing I feel compelled to do. I look at the stuff that's left over and know someone can put this to good use. I scribble out a quick note then hide the little bottles in Nabiki's room. I just hope she doesn't find them before I'm gone.

[0 DAYS - ARMAGEDDON]

I look upon the destruction and chaos I have wrought. Well, sorta. The Kunos appear, if not normal, happy. Nabiki's still pissed at me, but Akane sure seems happier than a bug in a rug. Ranko and Genma... I just hope they don't run into Nodoka any time soon. Taro and Happosai, I really don't know. I think Taro was still trying to "convince" Happi to change his name. I don't know who to feel more sorry for.

Myself mostly for accidentally picturing those two in my mind.

I still haven't seen Soun and Kasumi since that fateful night. Maybe I went overboard with those two, but since I don't know how they are, I'll never know. I actually feel kinda bad about that. But I've done so much good beside that. ;)

I mean, I've solved quite a few problems for Ranko and Akane, even if their engagement is off. Heck, Ryoga and Ukyo have been gone ever since that day I drugged their food, and with pig-boy's sense of direction, I'm not sure they'll ever be seen again.

So now that I've done all this, I just have to get back home. It'll be nice getting back to regular food and everything. It's just not possible for me to live on seafood and eat soup for breakfast for two weeks.

I stand out in the yard and wait. Any moment now, I'll get zapped back home or something. That's it. I just wait and it'll happen. Juuust wait. I whistle a little something, not even sure what it is, waiting for that flash of light to hit me again. OK, any time now...

"Going somewhere?"

I look behind me and see Nabiki. She looks a LOT worse for wear. "Home, hopefully," I answer.

"Home," she says and sounds bitter. "What about my home?"

And I know she has a point. Gah. That guilt thing starts to kick in and I don't feel so happy now. I shrug. "It's too late now. Whatta you want me to do?"

She walks toward me, and it's more of a limp. Jesus, Akane. No wonder she liked Ranma, considering the abuse he could take. Nabiki gets about 3 feet away and shakes her head. "It's too late. Everything is ruined."

This doesn't sound like the Nabiki I'm used to. "What do ya mean? You should be able to think of some way out of things..."

She laughs bitterly. "How? You've destroyed everything for me. Kuno-chan has no interest in either Akane or Ranma any longer. Ryoga has disappeared along with Ukyo, Ranma's a girl and doesn't fight anymore, and I haven't seen Kasumi or Dad in over a week." If I didn't know better, I'd say she's about to cry.

"So you see, I've lost my most important sources of income, and I now have my sister intruding on me in the middle of the night. Thanks loads."

Okay, she's done it. She's made me feel not just guilty, but very guilty. I hate that. "Well, I don't know what to tell you. I suppose..."

"The Tendo dojo!"

Oh. Oh no. Oh no, too soon. Oh no, I'm dead.

Nabiki looks around. "That sounds like Shamp..."

The wall explodes before she can finish her sentence and I'm almost running before I can register who it is. As I sprint by Nabiki, I toss her the tape I had made and say, "It was real. Take care of Kuno for me..." And then I'm running faster than I ever thought I could.

Oh blessed light, get me the hell out of here!

And almost as I think my time is up and I'm going to get a beachball on a stick embedded in my head, that light does hit me, and I have never felt so much like saying 500 Hail Marys.

And maybe I didn't get my tape, but it was all worth the effort and trouble. Maybe there's something to those SI fics after all...

[EPILOGUE]

"Another back massage, Father?"

"That would be wonderful, Kasumi."

Kasumi sat down next to her father in the warm sand. The ocean was calm as she spread oil on her father's back. She adjusted the white bikini she was wearing before she started giving him a massage.

A young island native came up to them and bowed deeply. In his hand he had a postcard. "Mister, Missus, mail for you."

"Thank you, Robert," Kasumi said and took the postcard.

Robert left them as Kasumi began to read.

"Father, it's from Nabiki and Akane." She showed the card to her father, who grunted in response. The picture on it was of Mount Fuji.

'Kasumi, Daddy,

We miss you, but we're all doing fine. We haven't seen
Ranko or Genma for a while, but I suppose they're fine.
We hope you're having a nice time on the islands. Kodachi
managed to teach Akane how to cook! It was amazing! And
even though Kuno-chan still tries to get her in bed, she
won't let him touch her (though she doesn't seem to mind
Kodachi).

Miss you a lot, call if you need more money...

Nabiki, Akane, Tatewaki, Kodachi'


Updated 4-9-98