Cold Weather & Hot Water! Part 3

Author:

Disclaimer: I don't own Ranma 1/2. Chances are you don't own Ranma 1/2 either. Aren't we sad?

Grimm: I know I said chapter two would be the only sequel, but you guys just wont stop asking-
Nabiki: He's exaggerating! He likes doing this stuff!
Grimm: Silence woman! Anyway I think I'll thank everyone again, that was fun!

In order of Review and by god I hope I spelled the names right!

Sonya ~ Well if yer stomach didn't explode my work isn't done my loyal reviewer. Let's see what you make of *this* chapter. You owe me an exploding stomach and I intend to collect! Oh yeah, thanks and don't forget to keep reading and reviewing, you know you want to <wink>

Hermione Weasley ~ Well I love my fix too, the first chapter was my first lemon so I can use that and the fact that they were virgins to explain why it sucked, but really it was my bad-I'm glad you think it got better though. And yes I'm especially proud of the crazed Kasumi-you just weren't expecting it were you? Hah! Thanks and don't forget to keep reading and reviewing, you know you want to <wink>

Lina Gabriev ~ Another one from the first chapter-I didn't know you guys were gonna come *back* I'm so happy! And yes I'm twisted, I coulda sworn I told you guys it was my middle name. Actually my middle name is Chriton or something that I never learned how to spell but that's off topic. I'm so glad you noticed all my fics were funny, but to be honest I use humor when I realize I lack skill & plot. Thanks and don't forget to keep reading and reviewing, you know you want to <wink>

Unkownloser ~ Okay, I'll write more, but don't think it's cause I want too! <Runs off crying, then comes back to say "Thanks and don't forget to keep reading and reviewing, you know you want to" and to wink, the wink is vital doncha know>

Darling ~ By "this type of fanfiction" do you mean pointless sex humor, lemons or Nabiki/Ryoga match ups? If it's the later you simply must read more, Na/Ry is the second best pairing in my opinion-but that's just me. And I love hot chocolate too, any kind of hot chocolate, that's why I made hot chocolate the culprit in this story, I just couldn't figure out how to fit the giant German Shepherd in. Thanks and don't forget to keep reading and reviewing, you know you want to <wink>

Sharon LeGrant ~ Whenever I write anything I'm high. High on love that is-I love writing! <cough*yearight*cough> seriously this sort of thing just comes out-like your lung-I don't need to be on anything to write pointless stuff that makes people laugh. If only I could apply this to real life and find a way to make money I could pay those bills of yours. Thanks and don't forget to keep reading and reviewing-what's this? $5,000 in lung replacing surgery!? <wink>

Gethmane8 ~ Your confused. Not nuts, chocolate (J/K) and yes the coca was an excuse. I wanted a one hit fic I didn't want to spend umpteen something chapters setting up a believable relationship that everyone deems OOC anyway just because ... actually no all my works are pretty OOC ... anyway yeah, thanks for the review, don't forget to keep reading and reviewing, you know you want to <wink>

Liq0urish ~ eh . . . I'm not sure where I stand on this. Technically it was supposed to be over with chapter one, it was designed to be a one hit Na/Ry pointless fic, I didn't feel satisfied with the first chapter so I made the second and then these guys were bullying me into making the third chapter so here we go! <Yes I'm going to blame it on the reviewers, I'd 'never' write lemons to pass time *cough*> And thanks, don't forget to keep reading and reviewing, you know you want to or I'm a monkey's love slave-eh I mean uncle! <wink>

Serena ~ Okies one more chapter then I gotta stop, honestly I never wrote a script for this, it's all flowing out of my head and trust me you *don't* want that kind of story. Rough House was that kind of story and THAT just didn't go well at all. But thanks, keep reading and reviewing, you know you want too <wink>

That's everyone, thank you poor souls.

Grimm: And don't worry, for I have now unlocked the secrets of writing a good lemon!
Nabiki: He lies! He lies!
Ryoga: He has learned nothing!!!
Grimm: Alas, how can one succeed when his subordinates insult him so?
Nabiki: . . . are you impersonating the one creature on this blue-green planet that I hate even more than you?
Grimm: Kuno?
Nabiki: . . . yes.
Grimm: Yup.
Nabiki: SCUM!
Ryoga: We're not your subordinates, you'd be lucky to have us as even your co-workers, you only pretend we're here because it makes people laugh when we insult you!
Grimm: It's true! It's true! (Runs off crying)
Nabiki: Yay! We made him cry!
Ryoga: Let's celebrate with five hours of sex!
Nabiki: How about . . . NO!!! You wouldn't even last five hours!
Ryoga: Wanna bet?
Nabiki: Damn you! You know I can't resist an easily won bet!

So . . . anyway . . . yeah . . . on to the fic . . .

Cold Weather and Hot Water
Part III
It Gets Worse!

Many moons have passed since Cold Water & Hot Weather. A few things to know, since the Hot Chocolate was expired the "unexpected fertility" didn't apply so Nabiki is not pregnant . . . oddly enough . . . Mousse is. Happo and Tofu are in the same hospital as you know, and Happo just HATES it. But now he plans his revenge, but woe unto him for Kasumi is about to make a discovery that makes Hottie Chocolate seem like . . . eh . . . something really lame. Enjoy.

"I see . . ." Dr. Tofu nodded. He was wearing a full body cast after Soun had . . . abused him.
"If we drug Kasumi too she'll sleep with anything, even a middle aged poor homeless bastard like you!" Happosai said.
"I'm not poor or homeless, and my age is never disclosed." Tofu said calmly.
"I don't really care sonny." Happi glared at the younger man. "What I want is my revenge on that Kasumi!"
"What did she do?" Tofu asked. "She's such a sweet girl."
"She-I don't want to talk about it!" Happi cried, rubbing his rear end. Usually he liked it when women shoved things up there, but that nurse. And the worst thing was Kasumi had told the doctor to-
"Time for your five PM meds little boy!" The doctor said. "Nurse Hilda is out with a cold, but Nurse George will fill in."
"I'm not a little boy!" Happi cried.
"Right, you're a big kid." The doctor said. "If only your parents hadn't abused you so-a spiked gymnastics club, my god!"
This earned the little dwarf a confused look from Tofu, Happosai just growled.
"So you want to drug Kasumi, then I get to sleep with her? Somehow that's not quite how I imagined I'd confess my love to Kasumi, but if this hot coca will ensure she wont refuse me then I am all for it!"
"Yes. Don't forget we need a video camera to catch the horrendous act, then put it on the net."
"Why would we do that?"
"Because we can." Happi said. "And while you are laying the lov'in on Kasumi, I'll be getting explicit photos of Ryoga and Nabiki, and taping them as well. Then we will put them up on the net also, and make lots of money and we'll tease Nabiki about how much more money than her we've made!"
"What did they do?" Tofu asked.
"They refused my gracious offer to train them in the ways of Panty Thievery."
"So you want them to suffer humiliation?" Tofu frowned.
"Exactly. And teenage pregnancy, thus the fertility drugs. I'll teach Ryoga to try to beat me up!" Happi wailed.
"Wait . . . you want to use fertility drugs to get Ryoga pregnant?" Tofu asked.
"No! I want to use them on Nabiki so she'll get pregnant!"
"Oh . . . because she didn't want to learn how to steal panties?"
"Exactly!"
"But how will this affect Ryoga?"
"He's the one who's going to bone Nabiki!"
"I fail to see how setting Ryoga up with a free lay harms him." Tofu said.
"Let me explain the plan again. Because Kasumi, Nabiki and Ryoga drank my hot chocolate Ryoga and Nabiki went nuts with lust while Kasumi just went plain nuts. They came for revenge!"
"As would I." Tofu nodded.
"And then Kasumi had a female nurse with a beard shove suppositories up my butt for hours! So she'll pay! And since I never leave a task half done, her sister will pay and Ryoga will pay!"
"That seems . . . somewhat unbalanced . . . ridiculous." Tofu frowned.
"So the plan is, my slow witted idiot friend, for you to be the first thing Kasumi sees after I slip her a hot steamy mug of hot chocolate laced with fertility drugs, we'll have a hidden camera set up to capture it all! Meanwhile I'll be taking snap shots and recording Ryoga and Nabiki after I all to cleverly sneak them both extra large mugs of hot coca laced with fertility drugs! And then in nine months, when both women are tied down to families for the rest of their young lives I'll laugh in their faces then make that bitch of a nurse shove suppositories up THEIR asses!"
" . . . That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard! That's just stupid." Tofu said. "Most definitely a plan inspired by evil."
"Do you want to sleep with Kasumi or not?" Happi demanded.
"It would be my extreme pleasure to serve the forces of evil on this one occasion." Tofu said without hesitation.

Ryoga pressed against Nabiki, kissing her over and over again, moving his hands over her breasts, slowly moving between her legs and-
"No sex until the baby is born!" Kasumi shouted from downstairs.
"How does she do that!?" Ryoga groaned.
"She's so damn keen on when were doing it, you'd think she'd figure out by now that I'm not pregnant!" Nabiki growled.
"Well she can't keep us from kissing." Ryoga offered.
Then, as he leaned forward to kiss her Kasumi shouted, "YES I CAN!"
"How *does* she do that?" Nabiki asked with a frown.
Yes life in the Tendo home had slowed down again, Nabiki wasn't pregnant (yet) Kasumi wasn't (completely) insane and Ryoga wasn't blamed for the messes that had been made of everyone's bedroom or the big hole in the wall that Shampoo and Mousse left. P-Chan however was blamed for all of the above.
Shampoo on the other hand was denying that she could have ever tried to rape Mousse as a cat, and Mousse was insisting that his duck form had suffered the worst sort of sex possible-that of a bird and a mammal.
Ranma was hypnotized again, this one would kick in only if he saw a cat, this time it was if a non-virgin asked him why he wasn't afraid of the cat he'd go nuts, and if a virgin asked him he'd see the current cat as a dog, if no one asked him the cat would be invisible. Akane, again insisting that the spell had been cast backwards was shocked when-after asking Ranma why he wasn't afraid of the cat on his shoulder-he shoved a bottle of hot sauce where the sun don't shine and proclaimed himself Ranma Hot Pants. When Nabiki asked he just said "What cat" and went to pet the kitty calling it "Rover"
Needless to say this was both amusing and confusing since Nabiki knew she wasn't a virgin, but Akane probably was. However Soun, refusing to believe that the hypnotist had again screwed up again had declared Akane a slut and went about purifying her soul, and her body. Enforcing new rules to maintain the chastity of his little girl he bought Akane a waterbed.
~~~~~~
"Gee daddy, don't you think that would hurt the process more than help it?" Nabiki had asked.
"Nonsense! Your still a virgin so you don't know, but it's impossible to have sex on a waterbed!" Soun had laughed. Then he got a great three for one deal, and had installed the cursed waterbeds in each bedroom.
~~~~~~
Nabiki had one too and she hat to admit while sex wasn't impossible it was much more difficult and much noisier. Not that she'd really had a chance to test it out since Kasumi seemed to just *know* when she and Ryoga were about to go at it.
Nabiki had decided to take Ryoga as her exclusive lover for the time being since she really wasn't sure whom she wanted to cheat on him with. After all, it'd been her intention to become the biggest slut in town (remember?) and so far it proved more difficult than she expected. Just choosing her first target was a pain.
There was Ranma, but . . . eh . . . no. Mousse? To hooked on Shampoo. Pantyhose? Naw. There were a lot of boys but none were really . . . what she was looking for right now. Really she felt most of her options would be a trade down from Ryoga, after all he'd make the perfect husband if things went on long enough. He traveled enough that she wouldn't have the time to get tired of him, and during his absence she could commit whatever horrendous acts of adultery she wanted. What better husband was there? And of course she'd figure out some way for him to make mass amounts of money on his travels so that when he did show up at home he could pay all of the bills and she could save all the money she'd make (from her promiscuous sex adventures or otherwise) to spend on herself!
"No plotting either!" Kasumi shouted.
"Damn you woman!" Nabiki shouted back. 'How does she do that?!'

Kasumi took a sip of her hot chocolate, the canister of Hottie Chocolate was almost emptied, and she wanted to finish it off. Sure there were side effects, but unlike her sister or Shampoo she at least didn't go looking for a quick lay when she drank it. Good thing she hadn't been able to find P-Chan when the canister demanded a sacrifice, luckily that pot roast had been closest to hand.
She took a long sip, and smiled. "Yum!" She said happily. She was . . . happy to have . . . this . . . chocolate . . . huh? Everything was starting to spin and she fell on the floor in a swoon, or rather she tried to. She wasn't sure what a swoon was, so she just fainted instead, it was easier.

Kasumi's Dream . . .

Kasumi wasn't quite ready to admit she was dreaming because unlike usual nothing was two-dimensional, there were no bright colors, no bunnies and birdies and other cute things dancing and singing and there was no miraculously well stocked kitchen. (Well what do YOU think she dreams about? Tofu? Not bloody likely in a Grimm story baby!!)
So because of this, Kasumi was absolutely sure that she was having a vision. The Hottie Chocolate gods had blessed her, their most loyal drinker with a vision!
Damn she had to give that stuff up!
"Kasumi!" Said a large mug of hot chocolate with a booming voice. "Kasumi!"
"Huh? Oh wow! It's a large mug of hot chocolate with a booming voice!" Kasumi said happily, clapping her hands. "Can I drink you?"
"NO! Damn you woman I'm a large mug of hot chocolate, if you drank me I'd be a large mug of nothing, do I go to you and say 'Hey, can I drink your blood'? Do I!?"
"You want to drink my blood?" Kasumi frowned.
"No!" The mug cried. "Curse you woman! Listen to me-for I . . . am . . . your . . . spirit guide!"
"My spirit guide is a mug of hot-"
"Don't interrupt! Now listen and listen carefully. Very soon Happosai will come to you for revenge, and if his plan succeeds you and your sister will both be tied down to small unhappy families by next year and if that happens you wont have time to drink Hottie Chocolate so we cannot let that happen!"
"Right!" Kasumi said. "Death to all who oppose Hottie Chocolate!"
"Well *death* is a little extreme!" The mug cried. "Don't take this to seriously, your not going to kill anyone!"
"Not even one person?" Kasumi asked with a frown.
"No!"
"Your no fun!"
"I'm a friggin floating mug of hot chocolate with a booming voice, will you just shut up and let me tell my message before the tiny evil one arrives!"
"Okay." Kasumi nodded.
"You must quest to the living room and find the magical box that tells all of life's lies and all of life's truths at the same time. Then you must look into this box and shout "Purple Monkey Dish Washer" and it will tell you what you need to know."
"Cant you just tell me what I need to know now rather than giving me a complicated riddle?"
"What box tells lies and truths? It's the TV woman! Think straight!"
"Sorry."
"You are forgiv-stop trying to drink me! Now listen carefully, you must not let Nabiki get revenge on Happi, this will start a cycle that will never end and lead to a fourth chapter!"
"A fourth chapter of what?"
"Who cares? Just don't let it happen damn you!"
"Okies!"
"Now wake up!"
"Huh?"
"WAKE UP!" Ranma shouted.

Back in the real world . . . eh . . . *their* real world

"Wake up Kasumi!" Ranma shouted. "Your lying on the floor fainted you know!"
"Really Ranma, I'm sure she'd never figure it out on her own." Akane scowled.
"Bite me!"
"Okay!" Akane said, lunging forward and latching onto Ranma's shoulder with her teeth.
"YYEEEOOWWWW!" Ranma ran off screaming, Akane still attached to his shoulder, Kasumi was left with a blank smile on her face. She blinked a couple times, then looked around the kitchen. Empty.
"Oh my, I seem to have fainted." Kasumi said to herself when she was ready to get back to playing the game called life. "Oh yes, I must go and watch TV!" She got up and went and watched TV. Then, simply because she wasn't sure what might be going on since she'd been unconscious for umpteen something minutes she shouted "NO SEX UNTIL THE BABY IS BORN!"
Her response was "We weren't even in the same room! I swear!" From Ryoga, and "Don't you ever quit?!" From Nabiki who sounded really annoyed.
Kasumi watched TV for a very long time, until finally it hit her. She saw the salvation of her family and she knew how to keep Nabiki from getting revenge on Happosai after Happosai got his revenge on her.
"Nabiki! I'm going to the market! I'm begging you as your loving older sister and acting matriarch of this house not to have sex while I'm gone or I'll have to have you boiled in oil, skinned alive, raped until the sex drive is beaten out of you and then sent to a monastery!" She said, her cheerful smile never slipping once. "If the old master shows up don't drink anything he gives you and seek out hidden cameras!" She got ready and went to the market, humming a song to herself as she set out.
Meanwhile the giant mug just shook himself (got no head) and said "I didn't mention the video camera did I?"

Unfortunately that very moment Happosai arrived at, Hotel La Tendo. He quickly tracked down Kasumi's favorite mug and filled it 6 parts fertility drugs, four parts Hottie Chocolate. "There!" He said, satisfied with his work. "If that doesn't get her going nothing will! Even a drop more though, and she'd be uncontrollable."
"ADD MORE YOU FOOL!" Tofu screamed.
"Oh, I forgot you were following me." Happo frowned. "Trust me, you don't want an out of control Kasumi, it may not be healthy." He said. "Besides, we must ensure she gets pregnant."
"But the chocolate causes fertility too!"
"It does?" Happo looked at the canister. "Holy crap! No wonder Soun had three daughters before his wife bit the dust! Y'know now I'm not surprised Soun was more progenitive than Genma!"
"Progenitive isn't a word, and if it were any man who can father a woman like Kasumi is uber superior to Genma!"
"Uber isn't a word either m'boy!" Happi growled. "But this is no time for argument, our plans must be adjusted to compensate for the fertility drugs in the hot chocolate!"
"You didn't know?" Tofu demanded.
"Of course I did! I must have forgotten!" Happo growled. He shook his head. "No matter. Maybe you'll have twins."
"Curse you old man! She isn't even here!"
"No time to worry about details, I must go and administer the coup-de-grace to Nabiki and Ryoga!"
"Right . . . you know you're a terrible business partner! Oh hey, you left the canister in the kitch-oh forget it."

However . . .
"The monastery thing was a bit much." Nabiki frowned.
"The part about being raped until the sex drive is beaten out of you isn't?" Ryoga frowned.
"Of course not, who'd she get to rape me? No one tough enough to fight *you* and win, right my darling?" Nabiki asked, batting her eyelashes. "You'd protect me . . . wouldn't you sweet heart?"
"Eh . . . against Kasumi? I don't know, she's pretty scary when she wants to be."
"Bastard!"
"I didn't say I wouldn't!" Ryoga frowned.
"Not you!" Nabiki hissed. She pointed behind Ryoga, he turned and saw Happosai holding a video camera over his shoulder, and two hot steaming mugs in one hand. Really, considering he was one foot nothing it was an impressive show of strength.
"Thought I might bring you two some refreshments, and if you felt like it, we could record a quick skit on my video camera!"
"A skit?" Nabiki asked skeptically.
"Oh sure! Not like I was going to drug you then record your outrageous sex-fest with this here cam . . . er . . . ah . . . oops."
Nabiki looked outraged, Ryoga on the other hand was quite thirsty, so he eagerly took the mug and was about to drink before Nabiki slapped it away from him. "Don't you *ever* learn?" She demanded.
"What? What did I do?" Ryoga protested.
"He's trying to drug us! That's probably that damnable hot chocolate that started us off in the first place!" Nabiki scowled. "Well it won't work Happi! Ryoga and I aren't interested in your stupid hot chocolate!"
However, one thing Ryoga didn't expect: Happosai tossed the other mug away and shrugged. "That's fine. But Kasumi is gone, how long has it been since you two had sex? I recall a young girl once saying that once she lost her virginity she'd be the biggest whore in-"
"Stop talking about Kasumi!" Nabiki yelped, a warning glare in her eyes shut the little lecher up.
"Wait a minute, wasn't he sealed in a cave for most of Kasumi's childhood?"
"I have my spies!" Happo cried. "Millions and millions of spies! You never know who, where or *what* they are! Now have sex for the camera or else!"
"Or else what?" Nabiki scowled. Ryoga on the other hand wasn't opposed to the idea, minus the camera and the short balding man of course.
"Or else . . . I . . . I have nothing." Happosai admitted. "But I will not be denied!"
"Nice camera." Nabiki said with a wicked grin. She grabbed it, then used it to whack the little man out the window. "Bye!" She shouted.
"Why didn't you do that from the start?" Ryoga asked.
"No time for talk! They have incurred my wrath and must not live to tell about it!" Nabiki said.
"I see . . ."
"Damn you and your sweet talk!" Nabiki cried, lunging for him. They kissed, swapping tongues for a few moments, moving their hands over each other's bodies, Ryoga feeling Nabiki up and down until . . .
The phone rang and Ranma shouted form down stairs, "Nabiki! It's for you! It's Kasumi!"
"DAMN HER!" Nabiki wailed.

Kasumi came home very late that night, her hot chocolate was cold and Dr. Tofu got into playing cards with Ranma, who despite cheating couldn't beat some one with a medical doctrine-even if it was a forgery.
Tofu had *completely* forgotten about the hot chocolate, and when Kasumi came home the first thing she did was drink the whole dang thing.
Why she did it we may never know, but for better or worse Kasumi Tendo, eldest daughter of the Tendo clan was the first of five to drink Hottie Chocolate un -expired in this fic. Go figure.

Who are the other four? Well since Mousse and Shampoo have already had their . . . "experience", Ryoga and Nabiki aren't that stupid (or are they?), and I don't want to envision Akane in any sort of sexual activity who ever could it be?
"Nabiki Tendo!" Kodachi Kuno shouted. "I have come for compensation!" (Like envisioning her in any sort of sexual activity is so much better than Akane eh?)
"Yes, those breasts of yours compensate your personality very well!" Some one shouted. Further inspection would prove it was the one foot tall lawn gnome which looked quite familiar, but Kodachi didn't believe it could speak.
"Nabiki isn't home!" Nabiki shouted from her window.
"Hello Kodachi!" Kasumi said cheerfully. Kodachi noted that in typical fashion the older woman hadn't opened her eyes, they were instead happy little arches to compliment her anime smile. "Won't you come inside?"
"Yes I shall." Kodachi nodded. "I am seeking Nabiki Tendo, who accidentally purchased sex drive enhancers from me, they take ten years to brew, I will not be able to replace them and I demand, in exchange a date with Ranma Saotome!"
Kasumi opened her eyes and paused for a moment. "Oh-ho."
"WHY ISNT SHE RIPPING HER CLOTHS OFF!?!" Dr. Tofu screamed from outside at the little lawn gnome.
"Wait Five minutes for effect!" The Gnome cried. Kodachi *knew* the lawn gnome had spoken to her! She would kill it on her way out, surely it was evil.
However Kasumi smiled blankly and offered a mug of hot chocolate to Kodachi. "Thirsty? This stuff is great! If you have high moral fiber it won't affect you! Or was it . . . if you have high moral fiber you'd go insane? I forget, but it's really quite refreshing." Kasumi said cheerfully. "Nabiki and Ryoga drank some, and now Nabiki is going to have a-"
"No she isn't!" Nabiki Tendo shouted from the stairway. "And Kasumi, don't be giving that stuff to our guests, they'll leave with a complex!"
"Like Shampoo." Ryoga noted.
Kodachi ignored them and drank the hot chocolate. It tasted quite nice. It was expired but as Happi said the expired version makes people act on subconscious desires. What would a noble rich girl who goes to an all girls school and runs around after a pigtailed boy desire? The pigtailed future sister in law of course.
Just kidding. You were scared weren't you? No, actually as Tofu said Happi left the canister in the kitchen, Kasumi mistook it for the un-expired substance and now Kodachi Kuno has the honor of being the *second* person to drink un-expired Hottie Chocolate. Wait five minutes for effect.

Who will be third?

I'm sorry dear readers, but Grimm has *no* self control, once he sets out to do something really ridiculous he wont stop for any reason! Now behold, the next drinker was to be none other than Ran-
"Hey Ryoga!" Nabiki shouted. "Don't drink-you fool!"
Okay, Ranma wasn't fast enough. Maybe he can be fourth?
"Ranma and I are going to go do something far away and out of earshot of even the most lustful screams." Akane said, waving goodbye. "And dad won't be home for a good three hours!"
Though so far she was the only person not to drink the pure hottie chocolate Nabiki certainly felt the same effects her sister and lover were feeling. Mostly because she was an opportunist, but partially because she hadn't been laid since chapter two which was written about a month ago, and for an aspiring whore that was far to long.
~ Getting Laid in Three Easy Steps; by Sun Tzu (Author of The Art Of War) ~
~ Step one . . . One must distract elder siblings . . .
"Hey Kasumi! I think the pot roast is back for revenge!" Nabiki cried.
"WAK!" Kasumi threw herself behind the couch.
~ Step two . . . One must grab selected lover and run like hell . . .
"Ryoga!" Nabiki snapped.
"Huh?"
She grabbed his arm and made a mad dash for her bedroom, dragging along a somewhat confused Ryoga, who was dragging a determined Kodachi.
"Nabiki Tendo! Before you take refuge from the pot roast's dangerous assault I require my payment!"
~ Step three . . . One must get rid of Kodachi before Kasumi realizes that she already got the pot roast before it could get her and thus her hiding behind the couch is pointless and shouts once again "No Sex Until Baby!" and causes you to go nuts . . . use as applicable.
"Look! It's Ranma!"
"WHERE!?" Kodachi cried.
And thus Nabiki Tendo, mistress of financial strategy successfully pulled off one of Sun Tzu's most confusing maneuvers. Of course guys like He Jin and Liu Yong really didn't stand a chance, not knowing Kodachi Kuno or Kasumi Tendo and thus not being able to complete task three. Only person to ever accomplish this task before was Cao Mengde, and hell he lived in a big bronze tower with 90-something younger women . . . did he really need it?

No there was no real point to that whole portion of the story. But now that you know Kodachi and Kasumi are both drugged, and that Ryoga is also very much drugged (this time for real) our story's foundation is set. Took me long enough eh?
Don't worry, five people will in fact drink the chocolate, three down the last two will shock and amaze, you'll never guess who it is, or why! (And Mr. Smarty-Pants who thinks he knows the answer-it won't be Happi and Tofu, Nabiki has something worse planned for them) Now enough direct narratives and back to my usual style.
"And just what is that? You have no style at all." Tofu shouted.
Tofu suddenly became a woman.
"You insulted the author didn't you?" Happi frowned.
"I am so terribly sorry! Please, take it back!" Tofu wept bitter tears.
So he became male again. Then as he looked inside the window he saw that Kodachi and Kasumi were calmly drinking the hot chocolate but . . .
"The door is locked!" He wailed.
"So it is . . ." Happosai nodded. "See ya lad."
"Where are you going?"
"To watch the fun!"

Ryoga was sitting in Nabiki's room flipping through the pages of her diary. Had he stopped to read it he might have noticed a few passages about himself that were less than complimentary, with one entry about him being a total idiot, but he wasn't actually reading it. He was far to distracted by Nabiki.
"I didn't bring you up here to read Akane's diary!"
"It's Akane's?" Ryoga frowned. "I was wondering why you were writing about upperclassman Kuno hounding you."
"You think guys don't hound me!?" Nabiki demanded. "How can you become a jealous boyfriend if you're not jealous?"
"Search me." Ryoga shrugged. Nabiki came a little closer to him. She seemed almost shy compared to this morning, and he wondered why. He had to admit he was actually feeling a little more courageous, he blamed it completely on the fact that Kasumi would be to busy trying to kill the pot roast before it could get to her to stop them if they finally got started.
Armed with that knowledge Ryoga leaned towards Nabiki and wrapped his arms around her waist, pulling her close to him. He pressed his lips against hers, she decided to explore his mouth-which he didn't really mind but didn't fully appreciate either. It was something he still hadn't gotten quite used to.
He moved his hands slowly bringing them to her shorts and unbuttoning them for her, something she didn't seem to keen on. "Hey, your not cutting straight to the chase are you?"
"Why not?" Ryoga blinked a couple of times in confusion.
"Dear god! Have you ever heard of foreplay?"
"No, what's that?"
" . . . Eh . . . I can't tell you that."
"You don't know." Ryoga nodded.
"I know everything! There are just some things to complicated to tell you."
"You two have done this twice already and you're still no good at it?" Kasumi gasped.
"Hey! Get out of my . . . why are your eyes red?" Nabiki frowned.
"We have come for the wandering boy." Kodachi said.
"My name is Ryoga and you *know* it's Ryoga!" Ryoga cried.
"Come to me wandering boy and fill me with your passion!" Kodachi said dramatically.
"Is that another word for cum?" Kasumi asked.
"Is *that* another word for . . . screw it, what the heck are you two talking about?" Nabiki frowned. Ryoga was completely lost.

Happi wasn't though. "BWAHAHA! Behold my revenge! Nabiki's true love will go and have sex with Kasumi and Kodachi instead of her and she'll be forced to watch!"
"That wasn't the plan!" Tofu cried.
"Did you consider that they might all four just have an orgy?" Some one asked. Happi and Tofu wheeled around and almost fell out of the tree they were in when they saw Cologne sitting on her stick watching them.
"That never crossed my mind, I'll admit." Happi said.
"Is he really her true love?" Cologne said. "Or is he just the first guy she's ever slept with, because teenagers rarely fall into true love."
Tofu yawned. "He better not touch Kasumi!"
"He is, he has to be otherwise I've failed to get my revenge on Nabiki!" Happi cried.
"Weren't you trying to get revenge on Kasumi?" Tofu frowned.
" . . . Crud! Forget it! Let's just sit back, relax and enjoy the show!" Happi offered.
"A shame son-in-law isn't there or I could black mail him."
"This tree seems crowded." Tofu frowned.
"Your right. Down you go!" Happi laughed wickedly kicking Tofu out of the tree. The doctor would be needing another body cast.

Nabiki glared at Ryoga, Kasumi and Kodachi. It was an impasse, Ryoga could stay with her or go with them, all three of them together wasn't an option, not as far as she was concerned, she didn't care what aphrodisiacs he was jazzed up on, if he was going to have sex with her there simply couldn't be extra girls or for that matter an audience, she slammed the curtains over the window after sticking her tongue out at Cologne and Happi.
"Okay Ryoga, you can go with them if you want, or you can stay with me." Nabiki said calmly.
Ryoga shrugged. "Why would I have sex with Kasumi and Kodachi?"
"Because you're drugged!" Happi cried from Nabiki's panty drawer.
"How'd he get in there!?" Nabiki yelped.
"I'll be adding the whole drawer to my collection, and the one's your wearing too!"
"You're not getting (swoop) AIIE! This sort of thing is only supposed to happen to Akane!" Nabiki yelped, pulling her shirt down over her waist.
"What a haul! What a haul!" Happi cried, leaping off. Cologne frowned.
"He seems to have forgotten about getting revenge. I am no longer amused. I bid you good day."
"It's a living mummy!" Kodachi cried.
<WHACK> "And YOU young lady, are no lady!"
"Kodachi is a man?" Ryoga and Kasumi said together. Ryoga sounded surprised, Kasumi sounded hopeful.
"That's not what I meant. Forget it! I meant she's a bitch!" Cologne said, hopping away.
"Okay Nabiki," Kasumi said. "Back to the point, we need Ryoga, so you can let us have him, or you can join in I guess."
"No! He's mine! I won't share!" Nabiki whined like a small child, throwing her arms around Ryoga to keep him from walking off, which she noticed he didn't try to do anyway. What a loyal guy he was!
"You know . . ." Ryoga said calmly. "The neighbors that just moved in, they are two bachelors recently divorced from their wives."
"WWEEE!" Kasumi and Kodachi ran out the door. Nabiki scratched her head.
"I didn't know our new neighbors were bachelors!" Nabiki yelped, wondering if one of them would be the handsome heartthrob she needed to replace Ryoga.
"You mean there *are* new neighbors?" Ryoga shrugged. Nabiki glared at him.
"Let me get this straight . . . you just drank non-expired Hottie Chocolate, and in the face of temptation you send two beautiful women-both of whom were probably virgins-away and stay with me?" Nabiki asked skeptically.
"Define temptation." Ryoga said with a shrug. "I call them an interruption."
Nabiki smiled weakly. Even under the influence of powerful drugs Ryoga wanted *her*. Not Kasumi, not Kodachi, not Kodachi and Kasumi together, and probably not Akane either, he wanted *her* and only her! Oh yeah, Kuno or Ranma would be a trade down.
Nabiki lunged towards Ryoga and kissed him, but he wasn't very responsive. She frowned and threw herself back on her bed, and felt it fluctuate. "Well?" She asked. "Are we going to do this or not?"
"I'm cursed." He said. "Whenever we get started something comes up. I think fate is trying to tell us something."
"Fate can go to hell, we haven't done it for a month and I'm not waiting any longer!" Nabiki growled.
Ryoga smiled weakly at her, and sat on the edge of her bed. "Calm down." He whispered. "We'll get to that, but first we have some business to attend to."
"Okay, I know I'm really mean when it comes to money but that's uncalled for!" Nabiki cried.
"I eh . . . didn't mean it *that* way." Ryoga frowned.
"I knew that." Nabiki nodded sagely. What else could Ryoga want to talk about?
"What are we going to do if you get pregnant?" Ryoga asked.
"Why do you choose now to have a brain?" Nabiki growled.
"Well?" Ryoga asked. "'Cause you should know better than anyone that we cant afford a family."
"We? Whose we? Oh you mean you-the bankrupt wandering boy, and me-the financially brilliant-wont ever not be able to afford anything in her whole life-girl?"
"Eh . . . okay something like that."
"Right. Well what can I say other than "I wont get pregnant"?"
"Oh to hell with it!" Ryoga sighed (five minutes had passed) Without warning he leaned forward and Nabiki leaned back. He separated her legs-gently-and moved his hand between them, moving it back and forth painfully slowly.
Nabiki closed her eyes for a moment, trying to think. Something bothered her, something in the back of her head said to stop-or at least wait, but she couldn't, rather she really didn't want to at all. Not with Ryoga was making all the moves, she liked it she just lied back and let him do everything.
She sighed and let him move his fingers in and out of her, his pace had quickened but just a bit, it was still slow, and Nabiki was surprised to discover she didn't actually mind that one bit.
But she didn't want his hand, she wanted . . . well . . . you know. "Ryoga, c'mon stop fooling around."
"You said you wanted foreplay."
"Alright I admit I don't know what that is okay?" Nabiki growled.
"Kasumi is right, we've done this twice and we're still no good at it."
"Or maybe it's *you* whose no good." Nabiki scowled.
"No, I'm pretty sure it's all your fault. I'll prove it too." Ryoga said with a smile.
"How?" Nabiki demanded.
She gasped for air as Ryoga thrust into her, his hand gone, replaced by something much better, she closed her eyes in ecstasy and futilely tried to keep herself from moaning. He moved in and out of her for a few moments, warmth building between them, Nabiki moaned a little more, while Ryoga kept quiet and calm, not breaking his rhythm, but apparently deciding to stop and pull away from her when Nabiki was nearing her climax.
"You see?" Ryoga whispered in her ear, sounding a little breathless. "I'm not so bad."
"You've got . . . your uses, that I'm . . . not trying to . . . dispute." Nabiki said, through gasps she was regaining her calm composure, "All that I'm say'in is . . . I'd probably be better off . . . with someone a little more experienced. Someone cute."
"I'm not cute?" Ryoga frowned. Nabiki grinned wickedly and kissed the younger boy gently on the cheek, and shook her head as if delivering terrible news.
"You've got rugged good looks, sort of like Ranma or Mousse, but you lack the cute soft features of my usual . . . targets." Nabiki smiled wickedly. "That's okay, I like you anyway." She added with a wink.
"Yeah? Well that's good to know, because you're to busty, to cynical and to confusing, you're to soft and weak but I like you anyway." Ryoga said easily, Nabiki wondered if he meant it, decided he probably did, yet didn't find herself at all offended. Though one remark annoyed her.
"To busty? What you'd rather I be flat like Akane?"
"Akane is a lot prettier. She's got these rugged good looks and the flat chest of a multi-athlete that I find quite attractive." Ryoga said with a grin. Nabiki whacked him on the side of the head.
"No thinking about my sister!" She commanded. "Don't forget who your lying on top of right now!"
"Hmm? Which one were you again? Kasumi? Oh sorry, Akane has just filled my mind with-"
"Watch it buddy!" Nabiki warned. She knew Ryoga couldn't possibly find Akane more attractive than her . . . could he? No! Of course not . . . and yet . . . so many others seemed to . . . "So I'm soft and weak am I? This from a guy who thinks Ranma's kicks are like a gust of wind!"
"Yeah." Ryoga said with a grin. "But by weak I meant you'd never last five seconds in a duel with lets just say . . . Ukyo, and being soft is okay cause your soft in all the right places."
"You've been saving that one." Nabiki grinned. "How long?"
"Our argument a week ago." Ryoga said with a weak smile.
"You come up with seduction lines during arguments?" Nabiki raised an eyebrow.
"Your sexy when you're mad." Ryoga shrugged.
"Then you must be real turned on right now." Nabiki said glaring at Ryoga. "What're you going to do about that?"
"Go to sleep, I'm tired out." Ryoga said simply.
"Don't you dare!" Nabiki warned. "Who knows when Kasumi will go insane and leave us alone again!"
"Well . . . if you insist." Ryoga frowned. "But . . . tell me something Nabiki . . . you don't happen to have any sort of protection do you?"
"That it! I'm going to break your neck Ryoga!" She huffed. "If you wanted condoms or something you should have bought them yourself."
"Sure. Trip to the drugstore, three days. Figure out which isle the condoms are in, ten hours, working up the courage to actually buy them: Timeless."
"You wuss!" Nabiki cried. "Alright! Yes I *am* that resourceful and that well prepared for this moment! I've been on the pill ever since our first night together!" Nabiki lied. What were the odds of anything happening?
Ryoga seemed to accept this answer and at last he began to kiss her, moved his hands over her body, and so on. Nabiki Tendo began to tremble with excitement, she couldn't wait, her entire being seemed to cry out for Ryoga, she simply couldn't wait any longer for this.
Ryoga thrust into her quickly, without warning his first thrust came as such a surprise that Nabiki actually flinched in surprise and gasped. She wrapped her arms around Ryoga and decided to give him a friendly warning.
"Stop early . . . again and . . . I'll slit your throat."
"You're a real sweet talker." Ryoga said grimly.
Nabiki kissed him, pressing her lips against his, feeling a surge of pleasure rush through her from that simple act.
She could feel Ryoga thrusting in and out of her body, it'd been a while but it was a sensation she quickly remembered and she made feeble attempts to match his thrusts with some of her own, however the friction, warmth and pleasure she felt was just too much and soon Ryoga was literally doing all the work.
She closed her eyes tight and felt a wave of pleasure wash over her, he legs felt weak and trembled and she moaned loudly, feeling her juices flow from her body. She felt, or rather sensed Ryoga's climax as well however he pulled away from her, or tried to, she made a determined thrust forward and wrapped her legs around him trapping him.
His confused look more than justified the effort. She enjoyed feeling his "passion" as Kodachi called it inside her, and furthermore her refusal to play it safe had confused Ryoga as had-he later confessed-her speed in an all but inebriated state. She liked confusing him.
"Why'd you do that?" He asked.
"Why not?" Nabiki shrugged.
"What if you . . . never mind."
"That's right, never mind." She said with a grin, wrapping her arms around him and holding him tight.

Kasumi smiled blankly the next morning when Ryoga wondered down stairs. The events of last night were a complete blur to her, she remembered something about Kodachi, hot chocolate, a mission, etc. She *had* woken up in bed with Kodachi but she told herself that that had been because they had been snowed in together . . . maybe. Though it really didn't explain the cucumber, or the gymnastics club.
"Good morning Ryoga! I hope you slept well!"
"I didn't sleep." Ryoga groaned.
"Oh . . . that's to bad. Why don't you have some breakfast?"
"Nabiki will find some way to put it on my bill."
"Bill?" Kasumi frowned.
"Never mind." Ryoga sighed.
Kasumi went into the kitchen and began cooking. "Is Nabiki still asleep?"
"I dunno, she wasn't in bed when I woke up . . . eh . . . I mean I didn't see her when I walked by her room . . . I'm screwed aren't I?"
"Indeed." Kasumi said happily. "Don't worry though, I wont tell father . . . he's not home."
"Oh-ho."
Kasumi went into the kitchen and began cooking . . . she soon found something new . . . a small canister next to the hottie chocolate.
Hottie Marshmallows!
Kasumi decided to make some hot chocolate, the only canister was the Hottie Chocolate . . . funny, it was all re-filled and stuff . . . and she put the marshmallows in. "Here Ryoga!" She said happily. He eyed the contents with a frown.
"Nabiki told me to stop drinking this sort of stuff."
"She's not here now. It's expired remember?"
"Eh . . . yeah . . . but . . ."
Kasumi shook her head at Ryoga's stubbornness. She took a sip of hers, ate one of the marshmallows and blacked out.

Meanwhile . . . Nabiki sat patiently in the Cat Café with Cologne and Happi. The two oldsters were drinking coffee while Nabiki drank a glass of plain water. She didn't want to risk ever drinking anything else again.
"So what did you want to see us about this early in the morning?" Happi asked.
"Just to say that, you've won." Nabiki said with a sly smile.
"I've what?"
"Tofu told me you tried to drug me and my sister and get us tied down to families for your own amusement. I surrender and we'll happily pose nude for you and your web page."
"Really?" Happi asked, stars in his eyes.
"No. I've come for revenge, enjoy the effects of the chocolate you tried to get me to drink you poor stupid fool."
"What? What the heck are you . . ." he looked at his coffee . . . "Oh you're good. You're so good . . ."
"I got Shampoo a date with Ranma and she was all to happy to switch your coffees." Nabiki said with a grin.
"Why did you give us both the drugged chocolate?" Cologne asked.
"Because I knew that you'd both be unable to resist each other. I've sewed an Anti-Woman patch on Happi's cloths, but you Cologne will be immune to it. And happily I've still got Happi's video camera."
"Don't think this wont go un-avenged!" Happi cried. "I can just take off my cloths and the patch is gone!"
"Yeah, you could . . . if I hadn't sewed your cloths onto your skin."
"When did you get the chance to do that?!" Happi cried.
"Never you mind." Nabiki said calmly, "more importantly because you're cloths are sewed on you wont be taking them off, thus you'll spend the rest of the day dragging your crotch against the ground eager for satisfaction, and Cologne will be the only person with interest."
"You'll pay for this!" Happi cried.
Nabiki shook her head. "I never pay for anything myself. You should have known that before you messed with me. I am the queen of the world, I rule everything and everyone including you and as for Dr. Tofu, don't doubt that he too will suffer great pain when he learns he's been drafted into the navy!"
"He's been what?" Happi cried.
"Silence small creature!" Nabiki scowled. She got up to leave, and turned back at the two elders. "I'll be seeing you, right now I've got a drugged boyfriend to get back to, see ya!"
She left the two old people ripping their cloths off and having the most disgusting sex anyone had ever seen, Shampoo was covering her eyes and screaming, Mousse alone seemed unaffected. She grinned to herself. "Just wait until they find out, that I gave them normal hot chocolate . . ." Nabiki whispered to herself as she walked off.

But if it was real hot chocolate . . . then only 3 people drank the non-expired version . . . so who are the other two people?
Well . . .
Did anyone wonder where Soun went?
"Hey!" Nodoka cried when she woke up. "Why does my head hurt? Why do I feel like I drank five glasses of drugged hot chocolate and why am I with my husband's best friend?"
"Less talk more sex." Soun demanded.
"I concur." Nodoka nodded.

To Be Continued . . .
Or Maybe it is . . .
The End!
No, this ending isn't good enough, that's right I'm doing a 4th chapter! HAH!
TO BE CONTINUED!!!
Maybe . . .

Nabiki: So what's the secret to writing a good lemon?
Grimm: To not write it at all.
Nabiki: So THAT'S why you're stories all suck!
Grimm: You got it!