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The characters in this story belong to their respective creators and rights holders. Ranma 1/2 is the creation of Rumiko Takahashi. Sailor Moon is the creation of Naoko Takeuchi. All original content is the creation of Samuel Phoenix. All My Outers... Ranma turned to the old woman with a cockeyed grin on his face. “So all I gotta do is fight an army of ninjas?” “I wouldn’t exactly call this an army,” Setsuna interjected. “Maybe a squad or two, but not an army.” The matronly gypsy nodded in agreement. “I know,” she sighed, “Ninja just don’t have pride they had when I was girl... I remember when you could hire army of ninjas rivaling the legions of Rome in number, all for silver dollar... now I have to pay premium rates for these 25...” “Hey lady,” one of the ninjas exclaimed, “We’re highly trained stealth assassins here!” “You get what you pay for!” added another. Ranma blinked. “Hiroshi?! Daisuke?! Is that you?” “Oh crap, we’ve been found out...” “Does this mean we can flip out and start cutting off heads?” “Idiot, real ninjas don’t do that...” “Says you!” “Yeah, says me!” “Silence!” exclaimed a voice that came from both nowhere and everywhere. “You dare call yourself ninja! You battle your enemy, and if your spirit is strong you shall know victory!” “Hey,” Hiroshi exclaimed, “I just joined cuz the recruitment poster said chicks dig ninjas, but if I can’t tell them, then how can they dig me?” Ranma blinked. “Poster? What they hell are you talking about?!” “Here, take a look at this...” Daisuke stated, as he handed Ranma a rolled up poster. Ranma unfolded it and read it aloud. “Are you in high school? Do you want a part-time job that gives you good money and useful skills for the future? Do you want to have real ultimate power, the ability to grind your enemies underfoot, to attract members of the opposite sex like moths to a flame, the ability to look really good in black pajamas? If so, call the Kawasaki Ninja clan! Part time positions are available, and training is offered free of charge! You too can be a ninja, and remember, chicks dig ninja!” Ranma blinked. “Wait... fine print. None of the above is guaranteed or even likely. To accept this offer you must sign a ‘Storm Trooper clause’. Average life expectancy of a part-time ninja is three months. The Kawasaki Clan will not take responsibility for your grisly, painful death, no matter how horrendous it may be, at the hands of a hero figure. Accidental life insurance is provided free of charge.” “Damn,” Ranma muttered, “That’s harsh...” He glanced at the gypsy. “Do I really have to beat up an army of cannon fodder?” She scowled. “I named conditions and gave my word.” Ranma nodded and turned back to the part-time ninjas. “This means I’ll have to brutally beat you all...” Hiroshi and Daisuke looked at one another and as one they pulled off their masks. “Oh, hell no!” Daisuke exclaimed. “I have self-preservation instincts, thanks!” “Yeah!” Hiroshi added, “Do I look like I’m dumb enough to take on Saotome?” One of the other ninjas placed his hands on their shoulders. “Hey guys, don’t do this...” “Don’t you get it!?” Hiroshi exclaimed, “We’re faceless ninja mooks!” “Come on, he’s only one person, and we’re an army of ninjas! We got him in numbers! What can he do?” “Ever see ‘Ninja Scroll’?” Daisuke asked coolly. “Good point... I quit!” “Let’s get out of here!” “Man, does this mean I’m not going to attract girls.” “Ataru... shut up and let’s get out of here!” “Well Toji, I told you this was a bad idea...” “I know, Kensuke, lets go!... Come on Shinji!” En masse the entire army of ninjas cast off their masks and evacuated the building, all hoping to avoid dying painfully at the hands of some dumb ass hero for 600 yen an hour. Ranma smiled and turned to Madam Sophia. “That count as a win?” She shrugged. “Was hoping for entertainment, but...” “Hold on, old woman!” exclaimed the mysterious voice that had chided Hiroshi and Daisuke. “Not all the ninja are defeated!” A figure dressed in the same black uniform as the other faded into view before them. Unlike his compatriots, he radiated an almost visible aura of badass. “Unlike them, I am no part-timer! I am Kawasaki Shinobi of the Kawasaki Ninja clan!” “What a shitty pun...” Haruka remarked. “Silence woman!” “Hey, I just think the author could do better...” “Can we please not break the fourth wall?” Michiru asked. “Hi folks!” Hotaru exclaimed, waving to you, the reader. “Hotaru...” “I just wish that lazy ass would get on with Circumstance and Consequence! I want my casual sex, damn it!” Setsuna exclaimed. Ranma blushed slightly, and coughed, “Anyways, so, you’re the real deal?” “Yes!” “So... the reason why armies of ninjas suck is they’re all just high school students with only enough training so they can jump around without falling on their swords?” “Yep...” “And singular ninja like yourself are so good because they’re really ninjas?” “Yes... now you know the long held secret of the ninja clans, and for that you must...” Ranma sighed. “Last thing I need is another death threat... let’s take this outside...” Shinobi nodded. “Of course, though you do realize that it is tradition that I take one of your helpless womenfolk hostage...” “Excuse me,” Ranma muttered, and he stepped around Shinobi, opened the door, and got out of the way. “What are you doing?” asked the confused ninja. “SATURN PLANET POWER, MAKE UP!” “URANUS PLANET POWER, MAKE UP!” “NEPTUNE PLANET POWER, MAKE UP!” “PLUTO PLANET POWER, MAKE UP!” In one voice, the girls exclaimed, “WHO’S HELPLESS?!” Shinobi blinked, “Oh...” “SILENCE GLAIVE SURPRISE!” “WORLD SHAKING!” “DEEP SUBMERGE!” “DEAD SCREAM!” The resulting explosion was deafening. It rattled the wagon, knocked over jars, shook windows, and sent the ninja flying with enough momentum that he would not land for at least a mile. Madam Sophia sighed and began righting bottles. “They do not train ninjas like used to.” Ranma sighed and turned to the old Gypsy. “Have I won yet?” She sighed. “You managed not to break anything, so I tell you what you want to know...” The girls transformed back to normal, and looked at one another. “Great,” Haruka growled, “We transformed in front of the old woman...” “Ah,” Hotaru muttered, “Could you please just forget you saw that?”‘“Don’t worry,” the gypsy said, waving it off. “Just give your number so I can put you on speed dial for next time some idiot summons demon and comes running to Madam Sophia for help, deal?” Michiru nodded, and wrote their number on a piece of paper. “Agreed. Elegant solution, if do say so myself.” Sophia nodded and pulled out a Nokia cell phone and programmed in the number. “A cell phone?” Setsuna remarked, “Thought you were a little too ‘old world’ for that.” Sophia shrugged, “It the 21st century... move on with the times or be left behind.” Setsuna sighed, “How to fix our little ‘condition’?” “Oh yes!” the old woman exclaimed, “You need cure for Love Potion #9...” “...” “...” “So...” Ranma muttered, after the long silence, “What is it?” The old woman shrugged. “I have... absolutely no idea.” “What?!” five voices exclaimed as one. “I know many magical gypsy secrets, but that not one of them.” “So,” Haruka growled, “You make the stuff, you sell the stuff, but you have no idea how to cure it. What kind of irresponsible old coot are you?!” “Want to be dick-girl? Just say another word and I see what I can do...” “ACK! Fuck no! I don’t want one of those... things!” “Then watch mouth.” Michiru sighed and walked in front of Haruka. “I apologize for her language, but she does make a valid point. How can you make it and sell it without knowing a cure?” “That just it... I don’t make it. I just sell it.” Ranma blinked. “Oh, great...” Sophia sighed. “I'm sorry I could not help you with a cure to problem.” Ranma sighed. “Great... just my luck.” Sophia shook her head. “It not your luck.” “Karma then...” “Not that...” Ranma glanced at her. “Then what?” “You’re cursed.” Ranma shook his head. “Tell me something I don’t know...” The old mystic grinned. “I could try and cure them...” Ranma ran up to her. “Really? You can cure my curse!?” “Yes, I did say that...” “Nev'ah gonna be a girl again! Nev'ah gonna be a girl again! Nev'ah gonna be a girl again!” “Oh, no!” Haruka exclaimed, “But I like your curse!” “Me too,” Michiru muttered, “It’s fun!” “Not that curse,” stated the old woman. Ranma blinked. “I only got one curse.” Sophia rubbed her temples and looked to the girls. “He always like this?” Setsuna shrugged. “Damned if I know...” “Listen, I know not how to cure #9, but I know how it work. You know more about each other then own mothers, it just subconscious.” Hotaru nodded. “Well... I think so... at least when his curse is involved.” Ranma looked at her. “If I have all these curses, why can’t you cure the Jusenkyo curse?” “Too complex, I know many curses, but the intricacies of ancient Chinese mysticism are beyond me. It whole different kind of magic, and with magic this powerful if you unfamiliar with the magic, don’t take the chance.” Ranma sighed. “So, these other curses, why can you cure them.” She laughed. “They a joke! You probably could break them by self if really wanted to really hard.” “Huh?” “Powerful charms, I say that much but the casting... a drunken fool could do better work.” Ranma twitched. “A drunken fool, you say? What kind of curses are these?” “Well, too many to say, but it look like someone wanted you to be easily controlled, socially inept fool, who attract enemies like bee to sugar and incapable of finding love... which strange because you have Shinto blessing to make you very popular the ladies... Oh, and that over used Chinese “interesting times” curse is there in full force... I’d say about eighteen different castings.” Haruka blinked. “Holy shit...” Michiru nodded. “Maybe we should take him to see Usagi...” “No, no... Madam Sophia has this in hand. Those curses are child’s play...” Sophia muttered a few words under her breath and snapped her fingers. What sounded like a cry of agony reverberated through the air as a vaguely ghost shaped cloud of malignant black smoke left Ranma’s body and evaporated into the air. “Wow! What was that?!” Ranma exclaimed. “As Madam Sophia said, child’s play.” Ranma nodded. “Am I still scared of cats?” Madam Sophia nodded, “Yes.” Ranma blinked. “If you’re such a powerful gypsy why couldn’t ya get rid of that?” “Not my area of expertise,” she handed Ranma a card. “Try this.” “What’s this?” “Number to good psychiatrist.” Ranma blinked. “Err... thanks.” “So...” Setsuna muttered, “What do we owe you?” “Just a favor...” Setsuna shook her head, “Oh HELL no! I know what it's like to owe a gypsy a 'favor'. How much?” Sophia smirked. “Smart girl... That 200,000 yen. You pay in cash or credit?” Setsuna whipped out the requested bills and slammed them onto the table. “Here!” Sophia blinked. “And here I thought you were going to try and negotiate...” “I also know better than to try and barter with a gypsy.” Sophia grinned. “So, since I overpaid you, maybe you can tell us something else,” Setsuna added. “Like?" “Who supplies you with that potion?” Sophia choked. “Well... One more thing I didn’t say, though I recommend you get second opinion... I think that there very subtle curse on young girl,” she said, pointing to Hotaru. “A curse on me?” Hotaru exclaimed. “Very subtle... It looks like it weakens body and spirit, leaving you open to demonic possession.” Michiru blinked. “That sounds like what Mistress Nine did to her!” “Yeah!” Haruka exclaimed, “Usagi’s purification should have got rid of it!” “Oh... some super powerful magic girl cure-all artifact, huh?” Mistress Sophia laughed. “What a joke!” Setsuna glared at her, while Haruka and Michiru glared in each other in confusion. “What’s so funny?” Ranma asked. “Girls today have no clue how magic really works. You cannot wave magic wand and make a powerful enchantment go poof! There no fast cure, no instant solution... Can’t just slap on magic band-aid and make all better!” Madam Sophia stood up and took a stupid pose. “Look at me, I a pretty pretty magic girl! I make everything better with my silly pastel ribbon and heart type magic! Woo!” She did a little spin, crying in a high voice, “Pretty Pretty Princess Candy Cane Purification!” The old woman lost control of herself, cackling to her hearts delight and fell back into her chair. “BAHAHAHAHA! Magic Crystal... don’t make me laugh! You want fries with that?” “Grrr... You have no idea of the power you’re mocking!” Setsuna exclaimed. Madam Sophia rolled her eyes. “Oh... let me guess? Mystical artifact from some magical kingdom with powers so great they could be considered elemental?” Setsuna blinked. “How did you know?” “It’s always something like that... well let me tell you something.” Setsuna scowled. “What?” “Power is no substitute for knowledge.” “Hey,” Haruka interrupted, “If you’re so good, why don’t you kill monsters?” “Not powerful enough. Doesn’t take much skill or smarts to throw fireballs, just lots of raw power." Hotaru sighed. “Are you saying we’re dumb?” Sophia smiled at the girl. “No... I’m saying they’re dumb. You’re special...” Hotaru blinked. “Really?” “Yes,” she replied, “I look at you, and clearly see you have healer’s touch. Very precious gift indeed.” Hotaru beamed. “Those two on the other hand...” she stated, waving to Haruka and Michiru, “Magical equivalent of bazooka. No grace, no class, no use besides big explosion...” Haruka and Setsuna growled. “I think she’s right to a degree,” Michiru interjected, “The ways we use our powers are far from elegant.” “Ah... can we get back on subject?” Ranma cut in. “All this talk about magic is... interesting, but how do we cure this potion?” “I said I don’t know,” replied Sophia. “I just sell it.” “Who do you buy it from?” “Gypsy-supply.com... but...” (Sama: Not a real website, don't bother...) “But what?” Everyone leaned in, very interested. “I specialize in curses, but I know someone who has far greater knowledge in mind influencing charms then self... could also give second opinion on girl.” Michiru smiled at Madam Sophia. “Who would this be?” “Voodoo King Louie. He can be found in Lost Bayou of Satsuma!” Setsuna blinked. “I didn’t know there were Bayou in Satsuma...” “If you know they not be lost! Go find Voodoo King Louie, he be able to help... now go, I can help you no more!” The quintuplet looked at one another and walked out of the door. Last in the line was Hotaru, who stopped and turned around to look at Sophia. “Thank you!” The old woman smiled, “You’re very welcome. Come again any time!” Hotaru smiled brightly. “I will! Bye!” “Good bye.” Hotaru left the wagon, and Sophia sighed. A smile came to her face and she whipped out her cell. “Hello, Voodoo King Louie, this Madam Sophia... I need you to play along in little game...”
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