THE ABSOLUTELY WORST RANMA½ LEMON EVER

Part one of as many as we can churn out. Think you I would joke about such things?

How about I tell your fat face about what this is? Yeah you'd like that wouldn't you. You'd like me to go into gross, sordid detail about exactly what the Worst Lemon Ever is supposed to be and what it aspires to be from there on! Yeah I can see it in your eyes! Your mouth and head and mace spray say no but your dripping wet crotch says yes! Say it! Say "I want to know about your lemon!" COME ON, SAY IT! YEAH YOU LIKE THAT, DON'T YOU! YOU LIKE BEING ON DISPLAY, YOU LITTLE SLUT! YOU'RE FUCKING DRIPPING WET, YOU LITTLE BITCH! WELL DADDY'S GOING TO GIVE YOU WHAT YOU WANT, OH YEAHHH. COME ON, SAY "I AM A FILTHY WHORE!" YEAH 'CAUSE YOU ARE, YOU LITTLE ART FAG!!!!!

Right, so this is an attempt to put the most disgusting, taboo, forbidden, parodized, overdone, humerous, perverted, and just plain wrong things I possibly could into one series of fanfic stories set in the Ranma½ universe. So done because it's conveniently something I know a lot about and is popular enough for people to get our horribly sordid jokes.

This is chapter 1, a very very weak chapter. Weak first because it's breaking the ice, and secondly because I have so many non-disgusting non-hentai aspects I want to make fun of first. It'll be pretty funny I hope and tame compared to say, chapter 2. Or 3. Or 4.

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Chapter 1- the Revelation

    Akane sat patiently over a campfire, while Ranma was out doing his workout, consisting of bouncing around the large, vacant forest for hours, destroying random trees, boulders, and the like. See, all you aspiring martial artists who spar and stuff- you're just idiots, since real training is usually little more than jumping around a lot with a backpack and making smart-ass comments to whoever you're traning with.

    It wsn't long before the author of the fanfic decided to pull out a completely predictable plot device. So like, Ryoga got lost (very coincidentally) and wandered into the very same forest that Ranma was training. This was all a very unlikely coincidence, I'd like you to know. It may happen all the time but it surprises the hell out of them every time. Such silly fools.

Anyway, meanwhile, Akane had just gotten the water to a bubbling boil when she ripped open the Maruchan instant ramen. Maruchan: The ramen preffered by WrexSouls, Evks, and starving martial artists. So she quite predictably did something stupid like decide that huge steaming piles of feces would make the perfect addition to the meal so she dumped the noodle block, feces, and oriental flavor packets into the now feverishly boiling pot. Oriental: The preferred flavor of Maruchan brand ramen for WrexSouls, Evks, and starving martial artists.

    Well, Ranma was just walking back, and saw much to his dismay Akane poking and prodding over what appeared to be dinner. Here's where I try to be authentic by ripping off stuff from the series and end up sounding completely trite and unoriginal! So let me state the obvious for five fucking paragraphs and end up contributing absolutely nothing in terms of content or amusement.

    Man, Ranma thought loud enough for you to read it, If Akane's making it it's gotta be bad. Not necessarily toxic, but certainly inedible. He was about as sick of Akane's cooking as people are of reading about it. Sensing danger like the gingerbread man in a Weight Watchers convention, Ranma tried to sneak away to hunt some real food. "Spidey senses tingling!" he thought, dramatic lines shooting behind his eyes. Akane, without turning, growled "Raaannnnmmmaaaa", freezing Ranma like a poor deer in a halogen lamp. A deer in a halogen lamp in a freezer. With little needles in its nerves and some cleverly devised magnet that only works on deers. Just like that.
    "Where do you think you're going?!" Akane shouted, whipping around toward him.
    "I... uh....." Ranma, the oh-so eloquent one replied.
    "I just made dinner for you! Aren't you going to stay and eat it!?" Akane replied, boring the audience to death. I am Chupon! FU HU HU! I have a face growing out my ass!
    "Uh, I'll pass. I think I'd rather find my own dinner tonite. I'd rather be well enough to keep training tomorrow," Ranma replied in his usual tactful approach. I will throw jokes at the end of every line until this picks up. Hero did fierce thrust! Hero did 2 damage.

    "Ranma you JERK!!!" Akane shouted, when the burning smell occured to her. Ranma just stared stupidly and pointed to the overflowing pot of boiling water and frothy oriental flavor. WrexSoul shook his head at the instant ramen novice. Only Colonge can attempt to rival the instant ramen-cooking mastery achieved by WrexSoul and the WrexSoul school of instant ramen cooking. All those other fools merely wish to usurp me in my domineering throne of ramen. The fools aren't even fit to be my rivals. I shall defeat them all soundly at kendo volleyball! Then maybe we can go out for squid ice cream. Then maybe we can go to the movies and in the tradition of shy Japanese love comics in 2 years we'll confess our feelings, hold each other's hands in 3 years, kiss in 4, and maybe I'll have sex with them by the time I'm 2 feet tall and stealing underwear!

        "Oh no!!! My dinner!" Akane shouted, pulling the pot off the fire, and grabbing the hot hot handle in the process. In a scene that would likely be comedic if it were animated and you were a fucking retard, hot water flew everywhere, screams erupted, and in the end there was nothing left but two very wet and angry teenagers. Since I can't accurately depict this scene, try photocopying your balls and plastering it around school. It won't lok anything like the previous incident, but it will be funny, no? Anyway, despite this, Akane still managed to "save" her dinner as she pulled out a bowl, and poured the now oatmeal-like ramen slush in, completely devoid of broth and absolutely over-cooked to the point of sludgy. Ranma picked another noodle out of his hair and grasping his queasy stomach, held up his as if to say no. "If you and your un-cute machoness didn't kill me, your cooking would." So maybe Ranma wouldn't say something like this, but I'd like to stress now, very EARLY in the work, that we're going to deliver a new meaning to "creative interpretation" and "artistic liberty". Because that's what people read fan fiction for! Ho ho ho!
    "What did you say?!" Akane fumed, gushing chi like a Pokémon kid does when opening booster packs of cards.
    "What, you wanna fight?!" Ranma says, jumping in a defensive stance. And maybe he'll start jerking off on the spot. I'm god here and I could make him do anything and you'd imagine it. Yeah just go fucking imagine it you little pussy. Akane just sat there and got very sad all of a sudden. "What's wrong with HER...?" thought Ranma. Oh ho I should drop all pretense here.
    "So maybe I'm not the best cook in the world...," grumbled a trembling Akane at the point of tears, "but maybe you can show a little gratitude, you JERK!!!" Akane then proceeded to sky-punt Ranma, who soared into the vast horizon, proudly displaying the "OUCH I JUST GOT PUNTED"-style Rumiko fists.

    ...Wait, that doesn't work. It's plausable, but it just doesn't get them horny, and that's the point of a lemon, right? It just doesn't fit the characters, especially with the pissiness level and the whineyness level frequently experienced. So for the sake of the art, I will sacrifice both my intergrity and extend the creative interpretations of the characters to achieve the proper goal. Okay now that that's over, let's start back a few lines! Banzai!

    "So maybe I'm not the best cook in the world...," grumbled a trembling Akane at the point of tears, "but.... oh nevermind!!!" Akane broke down and ran back to the tents to boo-hoo her eyes out. Yeah cry me a fucking river you flat ho! Maybe Ranma will go fuck Ukyo and GIVE you a reason to cry you pathetic excuse for a main character!

    Ranma started waffling around, and chased after her, since waffling and wishy-washy characters are just what we want/need! Let's get some more of THOSE! The're the BEE'S KNEES! "H- hey Akane, wait! I'm sorry!" Opening the tent door, he saw her sitting in the corner grasping a blanket and in tears... I just farted, HEHEHE... "I...." he managed to get out, which is a lot more concise than what he usually says. His stupified stammering was interrupted by a sad and weepy Akane.
    "I'm... sorry, Ranma. It's all my fault. I'm always the one who screws up the cooking. It's just that I try so hard... I know I'm not any good, but I try anyways... I'm such an idiot," Akane said. HAW HAW she's right. Let's kill her!
    "Akane...." Ranma said, getting close, and looking her in the eyes. "I'm glad... you finally got around to admitting it. Now maybe you'll save us all some internal bleeding and give up! Doesn't it feel good to humble yourself enough to accept the truth?!" Ranma blurted out, laughing. Akane wasn't so amused.
    "RANMA NO BAKA!!!!" Akane shouted, punting him into a neat cork-screw orbit, spewing smoke trails. Notice how I slipped in a Japanese quote in there, because it's ALWAYS cooler when you mix in commonly-known Japanese along with your English fanfics. Tadaima! Suki da yo! Moshi Moshi! Watashi wa hentai desu, ne! See, little phrases like this are always appropriate, never inapproperly used, and make you sound like you know what you're talking about! Unfortunately, though, I did kinda destroyed the whole sex-scene atmosphere I tried so hard to build up. Dammit, let me start again a couple likes back.

    "Akane, listen, I..." Ranma said.
    "No, you listen," interrupted Akane rather bluntly. Blunt like her FAT HEAD! HAW HAWmpgmph okay shut up. I don't see you shutting up, asshole. DID I ASK FOR YOUR COMMENTARY!? I thought so.
    Choking down the tears, she decided now was as good a time as any to express her emotions. "I'm tired of it all. I try so hard and it's for nothing. I just want to make you happy." Then, looking up, a teary rim in her eye lids, she looked so... fucking pathetic! Har har. I mean, she looked cute. Right. Cough.
    "Let's not fight any more!" Boy she was cute! Cute is good, because it's an important theme in Ranma, not to mention (for the lemon's sake) the important and well-known fact that Cute ==> Sex. Oh yeah, baby! Let's get some cat girls and rabbit girls and furry animal sex on while we're doing this.

    "You're absolutely right," Ranma said despite the protests. The sadistic fanfic writer continued anyways, completely ignoring characterization. "I'd like to say that I'm sorry for being a royal jackass to you for the last few dozen seasons. I'm a preening jerk the likes of which Squall can only dream. But I'd like to change my ways, or at least I'll play along because I can sense this is becoming a sex scene."

    "Oh Ranma you do understand!" Akane shouted, leaping into Ranma's passionate, accepting arms. "I wish I could die right here, and stay like this forever." Boy, throwing in sap right before they boink each other not only adds sentimentality, but also validity that would otherwise make this seem like a cheap cheesy porno story. But since we're diving into their personal feelings, this is TENDER and TOUCHING, not smut, you filthy bastard! They love each other and are just learning to express their emotions, which makes this a-okay. Now comes the scene where they admit their love, along with thier secret sexual desire for each other! Ooh you voyeurs get ready, the fun stuff's about to begin!

    "You know, Akane, I have something I've wanted to tell you for quite some time," Ranma says. Akane looked up, affirmation in her eyes. To remove affirmation, use three drops of distilled water, and then rinse thoroughly. If itching persists, call a doctor immediately. "For a long time now.... I... well it's kinda embarassing..." Just spit it out, you jackass! "Well.... It's just that, you... and I... and I thought about us you know... together... y'know, being fianceés and all." Come on, say it, you idiot! "It's just that,... sometimes I think about having sex with you." Wow, he said it! Banzai, Ranma, even if I had to literally put the words in your mouth. Banzai!

    Akane just sat there, a little thrown back for a while. "I... well, yes... I see... But... I too, have had fantasies about you," Akane revealed. "I've felt really bad about it, but watching you work out... in the training hall... you're just so handsome that I want to rip your gi off and take you right there." Akane blushed a little, obviously embarrassed about it, and unsure to Ranma's response. I should've used the term "fly ass" somewhere in there, but i couldn't make it fit.

    "In the training hall, huh? .... Wow. Well, you know, watching you work out, you're pretty sexy too. I mean I've just sat there, watching you in PE with your short little gym shorts.... Boy those really make you look sooo hot... And it makes me want to just strip you down and have sex with you right there- on the balance beam. Or maybe on the horse, or the spring board. Damn you look hot in those shorts," Ranma said, his hand getting ever closer to Akane's supple bosom. Which is of course, a cool phrase. Almost as much as cheerily rotund. And puxic. Puxic is a really cool word, like noxious.
    "Y... you don't say? Well yeah, that would be pretty wild. But how about in front of the whole CLASS?" Akane said with a sly grin, looking Ranma in the eye.
    "Chyeah, well they probably think we do it anyways! May as well give 'em a show to prove it, huh?" Ranma said, reaching ever closer to the utopian mountains.
    "Yeah well, you know, there's something I've wanted to tell you, too, Ranma...," Akane said, pulling away. Aww too bad Ranma! "It's true- I've really had fantasies about having passionate sex with you. All the time in fact. It's so much that I can't help but touch myself when I see you some times." Akane made a pitiful reach toward herself upon having that thought.

    "Really?" Ranma said, moving closer, and growing more tensile at this sight. "You know, I, uh... have kinda jacked off thinking of you many times. I have even gone so far as to sneak in to peek at you some times. Your mere sight drives me crazy some times!" Upon saying this, Ranma grabbed his rigid member and began a couple short errotic rubs. "But, I have somethin' else I need too, Akane." Akane looked up in response, still clutching herself in a rather indignified manner. "I... kinda had Nabiki take a few pictures of you while you didn't notice. Rather SEXY pictures of you I might add."

    "I know!" Replied Akane. "Notice how I was stretched out in that one on the bed? And when I was masturbating in the shower? And that other one when I had the entire handle of a baseball bat inside of me? I sensed Nabiki was watching, and turned to get a better angle of light and visibility."
    "So THAT's how they turned out so good!" Ranma was shocked.
    "Yeah! ... And I... kinda had pictures taken of you, too. And I... I have a confession to make of my own." Ranma waved his hand to continue the confession, eager to find out the secret. "I had her take pictures of you as a girl!" Ranma was hardly surprised.

    "Yeah I know. Nabiki had me pose for those. I think a lot of them turned out better than the 'fully-erect' ones, but that's also just me," Ranma said conversatinally.
    "Boy, Nabiki-oneesan works wonders... But while you may think I'm weird 'cause I had pictures of you as a girl... well, I've always had a dream of... trying it with another girl!" Akane said, beet red.

    "It's okay, Akane, I understand. I've had fantasies of having sex as a girl, too. As a girl with another girl... as a girl with a guy... as a guy with a guy... In fact, pretty much any gender combination you can think of, I've had some fantasy about. And I especially fantasize about having it with you." Ranma was fully rubbing himself, along with Akane. "But I, kinda... have another deep, dark secret that I kinda wished to hide until now." Akane was too self-absorbed in self-abuse that she merely gasped out a confirmation. "I... really enjoy bondage. And I really like playing the victim, not to say I couldn't be the one to whip you... I'd REALLY like to role-play with you, Akane."

    "Well, I have another deep, dark secret that has been killing me for forever. I just gotta tell you now... Earlier I mentioned that Nabiki works wonders... Well, I meant that in so many more than one ways. I... ... have sex with my sisters... a lot." Akane said, leaping on Ranma. "I want you to join our MAD orgies, Ranma!"

    "Incest, man? Wow... well, I know what you mean, I mean it's like... I do it with Pop all the time," said Ranma, embracing Akane, "and I've had a buncha practice with Pop in... various forms. I know what it's like to be a woman and taken by a man, and I... Akane, I want to give that to you. ... Also, like you, I've had lesbian orgies with Kasumi and Nabiki when you were gone... sorry I never told you. I wish to give that to you as well."

    "Oh, Ranma!"

    "Oh, Akane!"

    "Oooh Ranma!"

    "Oh, Akane!!!"

    "Oh, Ranma, I have another secret to share! I'm... related to you! Your dear Uncle Tendo... is really your Uncle! We just found out that Genma is his half-brother!"
    "Oh, Akane, I have a secret I wish to share with you, too! I have had sex with Kuno! Many times! And it's great! I love you!"
    "I love you too, Ranma! I never wanted you more!"
    "Nor I you! Suki da yo!"
    "Oh Ranma!

    "Akane!

    "Raaaanmaaaaa!"

    "Akane-chan!

    "Ranma-sama!"

    "A- A- Akane!"

    "Give me a R, give me an A, Give me an N M A!"

    "Akkkaaaannneeeeeeeeeeeeeeee"

    "Ranma Ranma Ro Ranma Banana-fana fo fanma! Mi mai mo maaanmaaaa!"

    And so the two lovers collapse in a a euphoric heap, completely expended. Ranma and Akane lay there, thoroughly content and relaxed after the wonderful union they partook in. The coitus completed and the payload delivered, they lay in a sweaty pool of their own um, sweat. And semen. And poon. Calmly rolling over, Akane brushed her hands through Ranma's hair. "I love you so much. There are so many things I want to tell you... so many secrets I've kept harbored for so long. And you'll know them all. All in good time."

OWARI!

COUNT WREXSOUL ALARAON DAMASCUS SCHMIDT TERWILLIGER TENDO MINIMUM IV