From: Andrew Subject: [FFML] [Ranma 1/2] [Lemon/Lime/Sprite/7UP] Reverse Psychology "Reverse Psychology" A Ranma 1/2 Fic Ranma 1/2 copyrighted by Viz, et. al. {...} indicate thoughts. No signs or foreign phrases necessary. ******** (The scene opens with a look at the Furkinhan High School. The camera fades into a classroom, where a teacher is teaching. On the blackboard, the word: "Psychology" is on the board.) Teacher: Class, one of the best ways for people to get them to do something is to not tell them to do it. Typically called "Reverse Psychology," it works in many ways. Daisuke, can you tell me a way this can happen? (Daisuke stands up.) Daisuke: Well...if two people love each other, but the parents hate the match-up, if the parents say, "Don't you ever get married, or I'll tear your arms off!"...they'll get married. Teacher: Or if the couple does not want to marry each other. If the parents insist, the couple will do everything they can to not get married, which drives the parents to try even harder. Hmm...I wonder if I should get Lum to do that...(She looks up at the clock.) I was told by the principal, that we are suppose to let out early today, being a holiday and all. Therefore, there will be no homework today. Oh, does anyone have a crowbar? Ranma: Why, sensei? Teacher: The Principal has locked himself in the teacher's lounge again. (She sighs.) I do wish they would have put the copier machines somewhere *else.* Oh, well. Dismissed. (We switch the scene to the outside of the high school. We see Ranma reading his Psychology book intensely. Akane comes over and notices him reading.) Akane: You know, I've never seen you study like this before. Ranma: Well, the teacher gave me an idea. Akane: Act like we're in love and gonna get married? Ranma: Yeah...you've thought of it too? Akane: If that reverse psychology would work like she said it would. It's the only thing that could work, since reasoning with Father is definately futile. Ranma: Futile: Useless, stupid, don't even try it. As in, "Resistance is Futile." (Akane looks strangely at Ranma.) Akane: Since when have you studied vocabulary? Ranma: Kuno's been leaving death threats posted on my locker door. At least I need to know what he's sayin'. Akane: Hmm...(Cologne hops on by.) Cologne: Son-in-law. What are you doing here? Ranma: I go to school here. Cologne: I know that, but aren't you suppose to be fighting Mousse for the right to Shampoo's hand? Ranma: I would, but I've been thinking of a better idea. Reverse Psychology. Cologne: Reverse Psychology? Akane: Reverse Psychology. (Ukyou walks up.) Ukyou: Is there an echo around here? Cologne: Son-in-law, may I see your textbook? (Ranma gives the book to Cologne and she starts to read it.) Ukyou: Oh, that psychology book. I've been thinking about the same thing...perhaps if I let Tsubasa date me once, he'll stop pestering me. Akane: And if we act like we're in love and agree to marriage, then Genma and Daddy would stop bugging us for a while. Cologne: Interesting. I believe Shampoo should take a look at this book. Perhaps by letting Mousse having his wish for a night, then we could satisfy his need for a while. Ranma: And then we could seriously talk about marriage. Cologne: Son-in-law...you mean... Akane: Of course we are. (Cologne looks suspiciously at Akane, then at Ranma. Ukyou blinks for a moment.) Ranma: Elder Cologne, we're not pulling a fast one on you. Frankly, I'm tired of living in Japan. Everything is too darn expensive, and I'm clusterophobic. Why do you think I wear Communist or Chinese clothing most of the time, anyway? (Cologne nods; turns her head to Akane.) Cologne: Good point. (To Akane) And you? Akane: You need new blood don't you? Cologne: Oh, yes. We always need new blood. Is there anything else? Akane: Well, the Tomboy's Club is looking for a summer retreat sight, and your village would do just nicely. Maybe the club can become members during the retreat. Ukyou: You're in *that* club, Akane? Ranma: There's more than one? (Cologne whaps Ranma with her stick.) Akane: Baka. Ukyou: Served you right, Ranchan. Cologne: Hmm...let me think about that one. (Cologne turns around, her face turns pale.) {There's more than one tomboy?} Ukyou: Tomboy's club, huh? You girls meet... Akane: In the weight room. (Ranma gets up & holds up his hurting head.) Ranma: Always watching your figure...(Akane drops a 200 kilo dumb bell on Ranma's head. He falls on the ground again.) Akane: Actually, we lift weights. Ukyou: You lift weights? Akane: Yeah, after the meeting, we lift weights for about two hours. Dumbbells, bar-bells, all sort of complicate weight equipment. It's really great. I can now benchpress 210 kg. (Akane flexes her muscles, it's quite a considerate amount. Ukyou gets this mental picture of Akane being as strong as Ryouga...she starts to big-sweat.) I think once I build myself up to 225 pounds, I wanna get Ryouga to teach me his break-rock techniques. Ranma (weakly): Can someone get this dumbbell off of me? Cologne: Son-in-law, surely you could remove such a small dumbbell. Ranma (weakly): I can't lift it! (Akane picks up the dumb-bell, but drops it on his groin. Ranma's eyes grows really big.) Ranma (in a very high pitched voice, but still on the floor): Akane! Why did you do that, you uncute---(Akane picks up the the dumbbell and drops it on his legs. He screams like a girl.) Okay! Okay! You're cute! You're cute! Akane (grinning): Good. Cologne (blinks a bit): Hmm...Son-in-law will definately have to work on increasing his strength. Perhaps we can talk about your induction into the Amazon tribe over dinner tomorrow...on me, of course. (Akane bows.) Akane: Very well. Ranma, let's go. We've got to plan how we'll get our fathers to not let us get married. (She removes the dumb-bell from Ranma's legs.) Ukyou: Hmm...and I've got a date with Tsubasa. (She shuddered.) Cologne: Be not so fearful, child. It is just one date. It couldn't be that bad. Ukyou: I hope so. ******* (Akane walks, carrying Ranma home. He's still wincing in pain.) Akane: Ranma, if I didn't drop that dumbbell on you like that, Cologne would never had believed that you were that serious about marrying Shampoo. Ranma (still in a high-pitched voice): But that hurts! You have no idea what it's like hitting someone in the...(Akane glares at Ranma.) nevermind. Akane: Good. Now stop sounding so high. You sound like Tsubasa. (Ranma nods.) (Akane carries Ranma into Dr. Tofu's office. There's a couple of huge screams from Ranma. The two walk out, Ranma looks nervously at Akane. Akane smiles as she looks at Ranma.) Akane: Now, Ranma, you dis anything about being a tomboy, and I'll make sure you'll never be a man again. {That assertive training the club made me do really works! Hmm, I wonder if I can get Kasumi to join...} Ranma: {Hmm, I wonder if I can get Happousai to insult Akane...} (As they walk towards the Tendou House, we see Kasumi in the kitchen baking bread.) Kasumi: {Oh, my! Akane & Ranma are home! I wonder what fights they've been in.} (Nabiki is in the living room.) Nabiki: {Hmm...Kasumi's looking outside, which means Ranma and Akane are home.} (Kasumi gasps.) {Hmm, another fight.} (She gets up and looks outside. There, she sees Ranma and Akane...kissing.) Oh, my. Kasumi: Nabiki, that's my line. (Nabiki hands Kasumi a 100,000 yen bill.) Nabiki: Still, I'd never seen that before. Kasumi: Well, there's a first for everything. (Soun and Genma are playing Monopoly.) Soun (to the audience): Why are we playing Monopoly? Genma (to the audiene): They had a Go spot in the game. Soun: I liked the little doggy, too! Genma: Well, anyway, you landed on Boardwalk with a hotel. (Genma grins. Soun starts to big-sweat as he frantically look over his entire deed rack.) Kasumi: Father! Mr. Saotome! Ranma and Akane are kissing. Deep kissing! Oh, my! They're taking their clothes off! Soun: Not in the yard! Genma: That's my boy! (Nabiki hit him with her camera. He falls over. Then she slaps her head.) Nabiki: Nabiki Tendou...why did you do that! You could have made enough money to leave this family! Kasumi: That's okay. You'll have a wedding to make a nice profit off of. (Nabiki nods in agreement. Ranma & Akane finally come in, but naked.) Soun: Akane! Where are your clothes! (They both look down.) Akane: Oh, I didn't realize... Ranma (blushing): Nevermind that. We have an announcement. We've decided to get married. Soun: You! Get married! Kasumi: Oh, my! Nabiki: Did you really have to tell us that? You've telegraphed it to the whole neighborhood! Rest of the neighborhood's voices: And it's about time! (Everyone in the Tendou Household face-faults.) ******* (We see Cologne hunched over with Shampoo, over a bowling cauldron. This conversation is in Chinese.) Cologne: Alright, Shampoo, do you understand what we're trying to do? Shampoo: We're trying to get Mousse out of the way by letting satisfy his desire of screwing me. (Cologne nods.) But I don't understand, why would you permit this? Cologne: I am not permitting this, great-granddaughter. I will come and 'discover' that Mousse has made love to you and seeing that you are clearly pregnant, I'll kill him, as Amazonian Law dictates. Shampoo: Sex by someone else who clearly not engaged to the girl is classfied as rape, right, Great-Grandmother? Cologne: Exactly. And if nothing else my mislabeling the cheeses with all of those hentai-strength passion spices will do the trick. (Wagging a finger at Shampoo.) I hope you realize what sacrificing your virginity is worth! Shampoo: Marriage with airen-Ranma and having violent girl as a strong member of the Tribe. You actually saw her drop that dumbbell on Ranma? Cologne: Three times, I saw it with my own eyes. Ranma is serious about marrying you. I am so happy that our work has finally borne fruit, and perhaps a strong and healthy child. Shampoo: Children! I want lots of children! (She sighs. Cologne nods.) Cologne: Good. (Mousse enters, riding a bike. He puts the bike away. Shampoo finished tasting the cauldron.) Cologne: Mousse, Shampoo, I must go to the Chinese Embassy. I've recieved a message from the tribe. It seems they've found an entire village in America that wants to join the tribe. Mousse: An entire village? Cologne: Yes, they've even named the village after us: Amazonia, Missouri. Mousse: Missouri...isn't that a river? Shampoo: Yes, stupid duck, but it's also a state. Mousse: Oh. Cologne: Yes, I must go and confer with the Tribe. Sometimes I wonder about these telecommuniting conferences... Shampoo: Well, good luck, Great-grandmother! Cologne: I will be back very, very, very, don't-wait-up-for-me, late. I'll probably spend the night at the Embassy. (Mousse and Shampoo nod.) Don't do anything rash, now. (She stares at Mousse.) That goes double for you, Mousse. (Mousse nods. Cologne leaves.) Shampoo: Well, I guess that means I can figure out how to get Ranma to love me tonight. (Mousse shakes his head. Shampoo glares at him.) Mousse: Hmmpf. (He leaves and goes into the kitchen to eat. He reaches up on the top of the shelf and gets a huge bottle of wine. We close in on the contents of the passion spice and we read a warning. "Warning, do not mix passion spice with alcohol...heaven knows what happens, we've never tried.") Well, I've always wanted to get drunk, and seeing that I'm not in the mood to convince my sweet Shampoo to give up this fruitless quest, I'm gonna drink away my sorrows, along with eating Cologne out of house and home. Shampoo: Mousse, why do you talk to yourself so much? Mousse: Oh, it's pointless. Shampoo (smiling): Now, that we're alone, I was wondering if you would like to practice with me. Mousse (looks at Shampoo): Practice? Shampoo: Your mother called. They've found a woman for you. A nice girl. As you know, I can not say who the woman is, but I was granted the honor of allowing you to practice with you. (Music plays that signals of impending doom.) Mousse: Nooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (He starts to sob.) I-I-I thought I could get away from my Mother, but no...she finally caught up to me. (He cries. Shampoo hands him a kleenix. He accepts and blows his nose.) Well, I might as well get this over with. (He pours all of the liquor he could find into the punch bowl. Then he rips the top off of all of the cans and dumps all of the passion spices into the drink.) Shampoo (thinking): {Oh, oh...Great-grandmother warned me that drinking and driving one's sex into another is a bad combination...who knows will happen...} Er, Mousse...you do need to pay attention so that you can please your future wife well. Mousse: Hmm, you might be right, but seeing that I can't get you instead of whomever Mother has selected, I'll take my chances. (And with that, Mousse chugs the entire punch bowl of spices, alcohol, and whatever else was in there.) Shampoo (to the audience): Shampoo doomed. (Mousse turns to Shampoo. His eyes shine, mouth drooling, and he's wearing the same kind of suit & tie that Beetlejuice wears.) Mousse: Ittt'ssssssssss Showtime! (Mousse takes Shampoo in his arms and goes to her bedroom, since he doesn't have one of his own. He drop all of his hidden arts weapons at the door. Shampoo drops her bonboris. He then rips up his robe, he's wearing nothing underneath that, and he's very chistled. Shampoo: Ia ya... Mousse: Come on, Shampoo, my sweet, time is a wasting! (Shampoo fumbles around reaching for her buttons. Mousse jumps on Shampoo and rips her clothing, bras, panties up to shreads. He grabs her and put her on the bed.) That stuff tasted like Passion Spices...you were trying to get Ranma here to cook you a meal, huh? Well, that's gonna really backfire! Woohoo! (Mousse takes his phallus and slams it into Shampoo's pussy. He bangs her around, it doesn't help that an earthquake occurs while they're having sex.) Shampoo: Mousssee...please, don't rough me up so hard... Mousse: Hah! After what you've done in beating me up! Oooh....Ohhh...(he starts to really grunt.) Shampoo: Well, don't get me pregnant! Waa...waaiii....aieyaaaaaa (She screams.) Mousse: I...I...nowwwwwwwww!!!!!!!!! (We see the jism splut into Shampoo's waiting vaginal oriface...the Mutual Orgasm continues. However a door opens, and Cologne comes in.) Cologne: I've forgot...Mousse! You have raped my Precious Shampoo! Shampoo (while screaming): Great-grandmother! Mousse has drunk alcohol along with the passion spices. Cologne: Which kind? Mousse (sounding delusional): Foster's, I believe! (groans) Oh, Shampoo, I can't believe how huge your pussy is! (Cologne gulps. Then she attempts to attack Mousse, but Mousse through the alcohol induced spices turns around. Shampoo's head hits her bedpost and she's knocked out cold. Mousse grabs Cologne and breaks her neck faster than Cologne could do counter it. Then He throws her to the wall, causing her hurling body becomes an Pollack-like art piece. Mousse then turns around, bumping his head onto the other post of Shampoo's bed (it's a Canopy bed, if you haven't figured it out) and slumps on Shampoo and the interlocking couple falls onto the bed. The scene fades into purple still of the slumped non-couple...) ******* (We see Ukyou walking over to Tsubasa's house. She's looking at a map, and it looks like she got it off of Mapquest or some other internet sight.) Ukyou: Okay, it's just one date. Like that old prune said, it's just one date. (Ukyou walks up to the front door. She rings the doorbell. A grown man, wearing a pink dress, opens the door.) Man: Hello. (He adjusts his tiara.) Ukyou: Um, I'm wondering if Kurenai Tsubasa is here? Man: Sure. (screaming in a Scream, the Movie-like voice) Hey, son, there's a girl here to see you!!! (Ukyou falls over. The man walks outside and leaves.) Ukyou (as she's getting herself up): {Figures...} (Tsubasa comes in wearing a two-piece bikini. Ukyou blinks.) Tsubasa: Ukyou! W-w-wwh...come in! Come in! I hope my father didn't scare you like that. Ukyou: Well, actually... Tsubasa: Don't mind my father. He's just delivering a dress to Calvin Klein. Ukyou: Calvin Klein?! Tsubasa: Yeah, he's Mr. Klein's right-hand man. Ukyou: But he's wearing a dress! Tsubasa: That is true, but he's actually delivering a hundred million American dollars in jewelry that's in the dress's bustery region. He's wearing a black jumpersuit underneath. Besides no one in the pink parts of Tokyo wouldn't notice anyway. Ukyou: Pink parts? Tsubasa: He's gay. (Ukyou blinks.) Ukyou: So, w-w-why is he married? Tsubasa: He wanted a son. Ukyou: Are you gay? (Tsubasa blinks.) Tsubasa: I-I-I don't know...I've never really lusted after a boy before, although Konastu is kinda cute. Ukyou: So why do you keep wearing girl's clothing? Tsubasa: You try wearing a pair of cotton Fruit-of-the Looms undies all day! Ukyou: Hmm...don't say that I have. {What the heck am I saying? I'm just here to ask Tsubasa on a...} Tsubasa: So, you want to go on a date with me. Ukyou (her face blanches): Y-y-yeah. Tsubasa: 'Bout time! That Ranma isn't gonna marry you, you know that and I'm glad to see you've finally come to your senses. (Ukyou nods.) Ukyou (faking a tear): H-h-he told me eariler that he was going to announce his marriage to Akane to his family. He mumbled something about them knocking some sense into him. (Starts to fake crying. Tsubasa reaches and hugs Ukyou.) Tsubasa (quietly): Hey, hey, that's okay. (in a louder voice) Maybe that Reverse Psychology bit failed. Ukyou (she stops fake-crying): Reverse Psychology? Tsubasa: Yeah, telling someone to not do something so that he'll actually do it. Sometimes, however, if the person repeatedily resists doing a command to the point where they'll do it just so they don't have to hear it anymore. And of course, one can not tell what one will respond. After all, the reaction to a reverse psychology bit is that they actually do it. (Ukyou starts to big-sweat.) Ukyou: {Oh, no...you don't suppose Soun and Genma would react the wrong way...} Tsubasa: Well, enough of Ranma. Where would you like to go and...wait. Maybe this isn't the right place to go. We need to go to my house. (Ukyou looks strangely at Tsubasa.) What? Ukyou: Your house? Tsubasa: Yeah, I have my own private island on the southern end of Japan. Ukyou: Private island? (She starts to look scared.) Tsubasa: My parents are very, very rich. I got my own island for my birthday when I was twelve. It isn't much, but there's a volcano on it giving me more land every day. Ukyou: A-a-a tropical island. Tsubasa: Yeah. It's kinda cool. You'd like it. Ukyou: You know, why didn't you tell me that you're rich before? Tsubasa: Because I don't want to marry someone who only wants my money. Of course, in your case, I'll make an exception. Ukyou: .... Tsubasa: In fact, I think that would make a wonderful date. Ukyou (looking dazed): So...h-how do we get to your 'island?' Tsubasa: By plane off course. (He looks down at his bikini.) Um, we're gonna have to change our clothes. Ukyou: Um, don't you think this is alright. Tsubasa: Not for my chaffeur. He refuses to drive me anywhere unless I wear manly outfits. And obviously, I don't have a plane here in the backyard. (We glance at the backyard. There is no plane, but a submarine is strangely out of place.) Ukyou: And what does he consider manly? Tsubasa: A tuxedo, usually, but he'll accept a suit & tie. I don't know why we hired a Frenchman for a driver. You'll have to wear one of my dresses. He hates it that women these days can wear just about anything. (Ukyou looks amazed.) Ukyou: What did he do before he was a chaffeur? Tsubasa: I think he was a French Fashion and Film Critic. But, let's go up to my little closet and get some clothes. Ukyou: Um, what about my privacy? Tsubasa: Dear, I've been around models and supermodels dressed, naked, fucked, drugged, drunk, and then trying to imitate Kate Moss. I can handle seeing you naked. My body, though, that's another matter. Ukyou: B-b-but... Tsubasa: Ukyou Kuonji, I'm going to have to find a dress that meets your height requirements. You are about as tall as I am. But not quite. Besides, it'll only be for a while. (Ukyou really starts to cry.) W-wh-what's wrong? Ukyou (crying): I don't like wearing dresses! (Tsubasa blinks.) Tsubasa: I'm sorry, but that the way this archaic neathderthal is. At least you won't have to wear a bra. (Ukyou cries some more. Tsubasa takes her by the hand and leads her up to her room.) ******** (It's Monday Morning. The teacher is looking at her schedule. She looks up and there's several students looking very mad at her.) Teacher: Um...what's the problem, students? You do realize that this is unbecoming of a student to be mad at one's teacher... Akane: Ah, shut-up! You and your 'Reverse Psychology' bit...(She holds up a wedding ring.) It cause Ranma and I to get married! Shampoo (rolling up in a wheelchair): Reverse book caused Mousse to kill Great-Grandmother and to get Shampoo pregnant! Shampoo yet to walk! Ranma (looks like a train wrecked him, he hobbles in on crutches): Yeah, and that's nothing compared to what Akane did on our wedding night... Ukyou (showing up in a red dress, pink ribbons in her hair): Yeah, and Tsubasa proposed to me while naked in his closet! And why didn't anyone tell me he's worth half a billion yen! A-a-and he made me love wearing a dress! Teacher: So, sometimes psychology backfires, class. If you had all been awake Thursday, you would have learned that. If you weren't all punks and tomboys... Akane, Ranma, Shampoo & Ukyou: WHAT?! Teacher: You are. You are all improperly trained in social skills and handling life's difficulties. You couldn't say 'hi' to our Emperor if your lives depended on it. And certainly, none of you could raise any children...they'd be miserable! Akane: B-b-but...the rest of the weekend was terrible! Teacher: Well, that is your problem. Besides, I have to go now. Our principal was mysteriously killed last night and we have to find a new one. I need to go and send in my resume. Akane: W-w-what happened? Teacher: Well, it's a long story... ********* ...so much so that there will be a sequel. I'm blaming this on Gary Kleppe, watching too much TLC, and watching an operation on female breast reduction (which is opposed to male breast reduction, which was on next after this). Sorry. C&C and comments are appreicated. ---Andrew