The characters of Ranma 1/2 are the creation and rightful property of Rumiko Takahashi. They are used here without permission. Be warned that more than one prereader rated this story as "sick" and/or "perverted;" read at your own risk.

Puppy Love
a Ranma 1/2 SPAMfic
by Gary Kleppe and Yoiko

How long was Akane going to be in the bathroom?

Ranma shifted his position, resting on the floor with his legs half-crossed. The clock showed quarter to eight, and she'd gone into the bathroom at... he didn't remember. He thought about turning on the TV, but she might take that the wrong way. It would be bad to look too eager, but looking like he didn't care would be even worse.

He'd thought that the wedding would be the tough part. It was a miracle that they managed to finish the ceremony before any of their friends found them. Now he and Akane were married, and soon they would be doing what married people did. Something he'd never done before.

Not that there was any reason why he should be worried. He was bound to be just as good at it as anyone else. But trying to guess what Akane would expect was a whole different thing. Who could tell with girls -- especially with her?

He rolled over to lie on his left side. There was nothing to worry about. All he had to do was remember what his pop had told him -- "If you look like you know what you're doing, you can get away with anything" -- and try to forget the fact that his pop was an idiot. Besides, it wasn't like Akane had any experience when it came to sex either. The idea that she might expect him to do anything... weird... was just stupid.

The bathroom door nudged slowly open. Akane appeared, crawling out on hands and knees to kneel next to Ranma.

Ranma blinked. "Um, weren't you supposed to change clothes, or something?"

Akane moved her face closer to him, peering oddly with wide eyes, not saying a word. Had she lost her voice or something? Geez, Ranma thought, talk about being nervous.

"So...." Smooth. He had to be smooth. "Shall we... go upstairs?"

Her tongue suddenly flashed out, licking his cheek.

***

It had all started earlier that evening. A trio of uninvited guests had shown up outside the Tendo home.

"What Spatula Girl and Ribbon Girl doing here?"

"Same as you, sugar. Akane may have forced Ran-chan into taking the vows, but we're going to stop him before he does something he'll *really* regret."

"Agreed. As long as this sham of a marriage is not consummated, there remains the possibility of darling Ranma returning to his senses, and an annulment."

"We all think same. So what you planning do?"

"We are planning, as you put it, to kidnap dear Ranma's little bride. With the two of them separated, the foul Ms. Tendo shall have no opportunity to soil Ranma with her touch."

"Y'know, as soon as he sees that Akane's missing, Ran-chan and the Tendos are gonna turn the whole town upside down looking for her."

"Yes, I'd thought of that. We need to think of a hiding place where no one would look for her."

"Not problem. I got water that keep Ranma from knowing Akane missing. Aunt Mayi from home send to me last week."

"Water? From one of those magical springs like the one Ran-chan fell into?"

"Mm hm. This water from very special spring. Ji Ma drop Akane in this spring when she abduct to China last year. Now anyone who fall in spring take body of Akane."

"Magical springs? I don't understand."

"It's something she could use to make herself look exactly like Akane. Shampoo, hon, would you really want to go changing into Akane every time someone doused you with cold water for the rest of your life?"

"Not problem. This far from spring, water lose power. Effect only last three, maybe four hour, then wear off."

"And who shall use this disguise? You?"

"Is my water. Why not? I make Ranma decide he never want... consummate... Akane."

"And in the meantime, he's consummating with you. I don't think so, sugar. You try that, and I'll go straight to Mr. Tendo and explain the whole thing."

"So who going to use Akane water? Spatula girl?"

"I think we all agree that none of us can be trusted alone with darling Ranma. We need to find a third party on whom we can all agree."

"Who could we possibly...."

"Woof! Woof!"

"Who?"

"Oh, it's Bess! Hi, Bess! She belongs to Mr. and Mrs. Yamane next door. Such a nice doggy. Huh? What are you--"

"Ribbon girl thinking what I thinking?"

"I think we are in perfect synchrony, my dear waitress."

"What do you... oh, no. You can't be serious. We... we couldn't. We just couldn't."

But they could. And they did.

***

"Akane?" Ranma said hesitantly, his low-level anxiety hiking up a notch now that they were finally alone.  "Are you... nervous?"  Akane turned to look at him with huge, trusting eyes, the slightest hint of a smile on her face.

"Um... because I don't want you to be nervous or anything," Ranma mumbled, rubbing the back of his neck with one hand.  "I mean... well, you know what I mean."  Akane still looked at him, silently.  "Oh, I get what you're doing.  You're right, if we talk too much, we'll just end up fighting."

Pasting what he hoped was a confident smile across his face, he stepped in closer and gently kissed her.  When she didn't protest, he deepened the kiss, stroking her tongue with his own and stealthily plucking open the row of buttons along her back.  His hands captured hers, bringing them up to press against his chest, and he pulled back to look at her.

"If there's anything you want me to do, just say it," he said, his face flushed with desire and a little nervous embarrassment.  She remained silent, still looking at him with those meltingly warm eyes, and he smiled softly as he pulled the dress down along her arms, letting it pool at her feet, and looked on his wife for the first time.

"You're beautiful," he said, his throat so dry it came out as a hoarse half-whisper.  She didn't answer as he removed his own clothing, and tenderly led her to the bed, but then she stood as if she didn't know what to do.

"Go ahead and lie down," he said, and she flopped rather gracelessly on the bed, looking up at him as if waiting for him to tell her what to do next.  "Just relax," he said.

She lay mutely as he began to caress her, his fingers travelling over smooth skin.  Emboldened by the lack of protest, Ranma leaned down to kiss her again, trailing down along her neck with his mouth, gently nibbling and kissing.  He gently pushed her legs apart and positioned himself between them as he moved down to her breasts, licking and sucking at one while rhythmically toying with the other.

"Is this okay?" he whispered, and when she didn't protest he took that as permission, and trailed his fingers along one thigh.  With the gentlest touch he could manage, he slowly stroked over the dark thatch of hair, stopping in alarm as she let out a little whimper.

"What's wrong?" he asked, but she didn't answer, and when he stroked that spot again, she whimpered again.  She started squirming under him, and he mutely let her up, hurt that she wouldn't tell him what the problem was.

She turned and got on her hands and knees on the mattress, her rump facing him.

"Y-you wanna do it that way?" Ranma asked, startled.  Not that he minded...  She turned and looked over her shoulder, her lips dropping open softly, bright eyes urging him on.

"Hey, you don't need to ask twice!" Ranma said, grinning, and reached out to squeeze and stroke the smooth buttocks presented to him.  "So... are you ready?"  She didn't respond, so he carefully positioned himself and grabbed her hips to steady her.  "It might hurt for a second, but I'll do it fast," he said, and she merely squirmed slightly in reply.  Taking that as an affirmative, he plowed into her in one thrust, wincing as she yelped in surprise.

"Okay, it's okay, Akane," he mumbled, holding himself still by force of sheer willpower even though there was nothing he wanted more in the world than to continue thrusting.  After a few moments, she surged forward, and he took that to mean she was ready.  Soft whimpers and little yips of pleasure spurred him on, and he reached around her body to stroke her gently, his eyes squeezing shut at the sheer lush pleasure of being joined with her, feeling her body clinging to him, warm and perfect.  She howled when she came, and he let go, groaning as his whole body locked up in pleasure.

He collapsed beside her on the bed, and drew her to him, and kissed her tenderly.

"Akane... I love you," he whispered, and she looked up at him with those drowningly deep eyes, and words weren't necessary.  He pulled her close to him, and she rested her head on his chest, and they fell asleep in each other's arms.

***

"RANMA!!"

Ranma dragged his sleepy head from the pillow, forcing his eyes open. Akane's voice? Why would she be mad at him after....

Akane stormed into the bedroom. Her clothes were dirty and disheveled, and bruises lined her face. "I get abducted on the evening of our wedding night, and here you are just lying around in bed? Thanks a lot!"

"Abducted?" Ranma cranked the ignition key of his brain, desperately trying to get it to start. "When?"

"Right after we got here," she said, her voice heavy with exhaustion. "And you've just been lying around here by yourself all that time?"

"You were...." Ranma felt suddenly sickened. "Then who did I...." His vision panned over to the lump of covers on the other side of the bed. Slowly, he lifted the bedspread up enough to peek beneath it, then quickly jerked them back down.

"Ranma, what is it?"

"Akane, I... I dunno how to tell you this. Looks like I...." He sighed as his legs swung down to the floor and he sat up. "I really screwed the pooch on this one."

AUTHORS' NOTES:

GARY: Typically, "shock-sex" fics throw characterization out the window. (You know the type: "Oh, Hinako!" "Oh, Happy! Take me now!") This was an attempt to write a rather, ahem, unlikely coupling, while still trying to keep it at least somewhat plausible. Yoiko and I wrote most of this during the FFIRC's latest One Hour Writing Challenge. Many thanks to the fine folks of Group One for reading and commenting, and to Rakhal for the title.

Gary's Fanfic Page

YOIKO: Yes, thanks to everyone who pre-read for us!  And thanks to those of you who are still with us. :)  We hope you enjoyed... er... well, that's not really the word for it, is it? *^_^*  We hope you weren't too traumatized by the fic - or the puns. :)