From: "Warren" Subject: [Ranma][MST3K] Ukyo Gets What She Deserves Pt. 2 of 2 *TURN OFF YOUR LIGHTS* (And give yourself a severe case of eyestrain) (The future isn't what it used to be....) "MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 6.7" (SEASON THREE) EPISODE 28: UKYO GETS WHAT SHE DESERVES PT. 2 (A Ranma 1/2 Lemon MSTing) MSTed From the Desk of Megane 6.7 This is a MSTing of a work of fiction created by another author. Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred. Any random mention of certain anime characters, song titles, etc. are the property of their respected creators/distributors/etc. Just covering my own ass here folks.... "Ranma 1/2" is the property of Rumiko Takahashi and all the distributors of her work. "Ukyo Gets What She Deserves" is the property of RVincent and he's welcome to it. I do not intend to offend him for making fun of his work like this but I figure it's only a matter of time before someone does. Think of this as another form of C&C. It's all meant in good fun. ;) (Door 6: It slides open on both sides..) (Door 5: It's made of beads. They explode out towards you, and you move on..) (Door 4: It falls toward you, missing your foot by inches.) (Door 3: It's a castle gate, that rises into the ceiling..) (Door 2. It's solid black marble. An Akahn floats from behind you and touches the door. The door vanishes.) (Door 1: It splits in four ways, twice.) (Door .7: A beam of golden light erupts from the floor. You walk into it.) Joel emerged from the light into the theater, Crow emerging a moment later and following close behind. Joel took his seat while Crow took the chair on his right. Tom: (off-camera) Hey!! Joel: Whoops! (Joel stands up again and walks off-screen. He returns with Tom in his arms and placed him down on one of the theater seats and sat next to him.) Sorry about that. My mind must have been wandering.... Tom: Hmph! >Ranma: You betcha Ucchan, you know how much I love your cooking! Crow: And now we have the Incredible Elmo playing Ranma. Joel: Eek. >Breakfast was going off without a problem. As usual Ukyo fixed >Okonomoyaki and as usual Ranma ate more then his share. Tom: When did she have time to stock the kitchen? I thought kidnapping Ranma was supposed to be a one night only thing? Crow: Maybe she's rented it out before for vacations? Tom: I guess that's possible.... >The only thing that seemed out of place was the constant loving looks >given by Ranma to Ukyo along with the loving words, as a matter of >fact Ranma's whole demeanor reflected the love he was feeling on the >inside for Ukyo. With every loving word Ukyo seemed to flinch. Crow: Lovely, ain't it? Joel: We're rapidly descending into Mike Rhea territory here.... Crow: Really,Joel? >Ukyo: * I should be reveling in this, Ranchan is finally expressing his >love for me but the only reason he's doing it is that potion. Damn this, >how do I know what emotions are real and what are induced. Crow: That's easy. They're all induced. Tom: Sure, you think Ranma would bear any genuine affection toward someone who would stoop to such lengths just for one night of nookie? Not a chance, sister! >It's not fair, its just not fair, I'm so close to having his love but when this >potion wears off I might lose any chance I had. Damn, damn, damn, the >only reason I did this is because I thought that I didn't have any chance, >but I did...........and now its gone............* Joel: You know, we have to give the author a little credit here... this premise really isn't all that bad... Ukyo may be wildly OOC but in a bizarre, twisted sort of way, she IS getting what she deserves here... a perverse empty shell of a fiancee speaking words of love that are hollow because they don't come from the heart.... Crow: Sure... granted, Ukyo *did* use black magic to try to break up Ranma's relationship in the Cave of Lost Love story... and she *did* take advantage of the Tendos' hospitality and Ranma's guilt to try to trap him into marriage in Secret Sauce, even after she *knew* that he was trying to get rid of her... and bombing the wedding, let's not forget that... and oh yeah, attacking Ranma when she thought he was trying to give Akane an engagement ring... and... um, I've completely forgotten what point I was trying to make here. Tom: Do you work for Gary Kleppe or something? >Visually Ukyo seemed to get more and more depressed by the minute. >Ranma seemed to notice this and her demeanor changed from loving >to concerned. Joel: Hey! How'd she change back into a girl? Tom: She was a guy a second ago, wasn't she? Crow: Yeah, how did that happen anyway? Didn't she fall asleep with Ukyo as a girl? Joel: I just assumed she showered before waking Ukyo up... but why is she a girl now? Crow: Beats the hell out of me. >Ranma: I did something wrong didn't I, its all my fault, it must be my >fault please tell me what I did wro.. >Ranma was suddenly silenced as Ukyo planted a kiss right on her lips. Tom: This ought to shut her up. >Ukyo: You didn't do anything wrong, not everything is your fault, it >actually mine..... * What am I going to say now, should I tell him the >truth? What if he gets mad he won't be able to restrain himself, what >should I do? * Joel: Why did the author have to make me so damn indecisive?!? >Ranma: I know since its such a nice day we could go for a hike. How >did we get in a forest anyway, is this cabin yours Ucchan? It seems >so peaceful here. Crow: Took you long enough to notice you weren't in Kansas anymore, eh, Ranma? >Ukyo: Yeah, a hike does sound like a good idea, and there is a lake >near here, we could go swimming if you want. This cabin is mine, its >sort of a summer retreat, it took a while to save for it but I'm glad I >bought it. Tom: It's been really handy whenever I needed to get away for a while... enjoy the beauty and harmony of nature... kidnap my two-timing fiance and chain him to the... oops! >Ranma: Well lets get going we've already wasted part of the day and >I'm not about to let the rest slip away. Joel: ...like my long-term memory. Crow: Not to mention all the commas that should've been in that line. >We see scenes of Ukyo and Ranma walking all over the woods. Ranma >is acing like a small child. She is running and laughing and jumping >up in trees, All: Doooo... do do doooo... do do doooo.... Crow: I'm not going back, Jim! I like it here! >in some scenes Ukyo looks happy but in others she is looking at her >watch in fear. Crow: Man, I'm going to miss all my soaps if we don't go back soon.... >One, two, a total of five hours pass before they arrive at the lake. Crow: One, two, FIVE! Tom: Three, sir! >The camera comes out of the woods from behind Ranma and Ukyo who >are standing on the shore staring at the lake and scenery. The sun >hangs low on the horizon across the lake there are pine trees and even >further away there are mountains making for a beautiful natural collage >topped off by the bluest of blue sky's. Joel: Terrific. We've gone from a lemon darkfic to a WAFFy story. >Ukyo: It really is beautiful isn't it Ranma, look how the sun just hangs >there, you don't see anything like that back in Nerima. >Ranma: It really is beautiful Ukyo, but not as beautiful as you. Crow: Smoooooooooth.... Tom: Eh, not bad. I'd rate it about a 6 on the Guido Anchovy meter. >Ukyo: * I wish that you would tell me things like that without the >potion. * Thank you Ranchan, you don't know how happy that makes >me. * Oh no, I'm starting to get depressed again, I'm getting as bad as >Ryoga. I'm so sorry Ranma for using that potion. * Joel: Oh no! I'm starting to talk to myself now! *Ack! Did I say that aloud! Ohmigod, I have to say something to cover it up!* S-So... how about those Knicks, huh? I hear they may go all the way this year! *Oh, brilliant diversion, Kuonji! Real good! Look, just shut up and let me handle this, okay?* >Suddenly there was a rusting in the bushes behind Ranma and Ukyo. By >this time the camera had made a 180-degree spin, it was now over the >lake and pointing at Ranma and Ukyo from the other side. Joel: So the camera's tied to a fishing line? Tom: Okay, who's the wiseguy that reeled in Cambot?!? >Ukyo steps foreword a step or two cautiously. Suddenly the bushes erupt >and a huge bear comes into view bearing rows of nasty teeth, Tom: Only YOU can prevent OOC fics! >it pulls back its paw and takes a swipe at Ukyo. Ukyo takes a glancing >blow to the arm resulting in a set of parallel marks, nothing serious >but enough to make her bleed. Crow: Yeah, no sense panicking until her entrails start to spill.... Joel: Now hand over that pick-a-nick basket or you'll get more of the same! >Ranma whirls around to look at Ukyo's falling form, she sees the >bloody slashes on the arm and suddenly takes on a look of madness. Crow: Uh-oh... cue the Wolverine berzerker rage.... Tom: You're in a mess of trouble now, bub. >Ranma straightens her stance and faces the twelve-foot monster of a bear. Tom: What?!? Did we mess with your cubs? Do we have food for you to steal? Why are you harassing us, man?!? >Ranma: You hurt Ucchan. Joel: Must blame self. Whine like puppy. Cry like wuss. >The words were as cold as ice and without any other warning Ranma >attacked. Tom: A wild Ranma will not hesitate to attack if his mate has been threatened.... >She leapt up in the air and hit the beast with a flying jump kick to the >throat. The kick was strong enough to knock it over. Crow: Take that, Sunshine Bear! >She pulled her fist back and made her hand like she was going to do a >karate chop of sorts. She drove it foreword into the abdomen of the >great beast, All: HI-KEEBA!!! >the flesh tore easily and her entire arm was embedded in the creature. Tom: Hey, Ucchan! Watch this! I saw The Tick do something like this once! >With a grunt of rage she tore her hand out and took a large section of >the chest with it. She followed this up with a chestnut fist that left the >mammoth chest as nothing more then a bloody crater. Crow: Here lies the final resting place of Baloo, a simple bear whose only wish was to find the bare necessities... .... Joel: This must be the same Ranma from 'Ranma Kills!'. >By all accounts the animal should have been dead but all the attacks >had taken place in about a second. Tom: Thus the bear still had plenty of time to maul Ranma to death. >We see Ukyo props herself up on her elbows from her laying position, >she can see everything. Crow: Oh COOL! I can see the blood, the body and EVERYTHING!! >Ranma walks up to the creatures'head and looks down into its face. Joel: I'm Ranma Saotome, sorry about this. Crow: T-tell Boo Boo I loved him... >Ranma: For hurting Ucchan the penalty is death. Tom: Oh, is that right, *your honor*? Crow: Yep, that confirms it. He's definitely tapped into the same Ranma from 'Ranma Kills!'.... Joel: Maybe a 'being of light' can help the bear this time? >We see Ukyo's face which has a look of horror on it, she seems to be >mouthing the word no over and over again. Crow: ENOUGH with this *seems* crap! Either she IS or she ISN'T doing something! Make up your mind already! >Once again the camera focuses on what Ranma is doing. It appears as >though she is going to use a basi tenketsu to finish the bear off. Tom: And if the bear was made of rock, that would mean something. Crow: Oh, now it's *appears.* That's LOADS better, oh yes. >He puts his index finger to the creatures'head, and slowly pushes >foreword. The look of madness has left Ranma's eyes replaced by one >of utter evil. Crow: He's got Dr. F's eyes, then? Joel: Worse... Kathy Lee Gifford. Crow: >The finger slowly pushes forward cracking the bears skull. The >sickening scene and sounds are too much for Ukyo and she turns to >the side and vomits. Tom: Whoops, there goes her lunch... now her cookies... all we need now is a pair of socks and... yep, there they are! >Finally Ranma jumps into the air releasing a chi blast at the remains >of the creature leaving nothing more then a charred crater. Crow: He tampered in Yogi's domain.... Joel: Let's see... I've disemboweled ya, caved in your chest, cracked open your skull and chi blasted the bejeebers out of ya... sooooo, are you ready to give up now or do I have to get rough? >Ranma then slowly walks up to Ukyo. Crow: *squish* Joel: Yuck! Where did all this puke come from? >Ranma: Are you Ok Ucchan? >Ukyo: * Oh my god I cant believe he could do such a thing, better play >it cool. * Yeah, I guess. Crow: *No! That was too flat! Try again!* I'm reasonably well, thank you, Mr. Saotome. *Where the hell did that come from?!? Come on, one more time!* Why, I'm simply spiffy, Ranma! *SCREAM!!!* >Ranma: That's good, I'm gonna take a swim, join me when you're ready. Tom: Why, are you coming apart? Ha! I got a million of em! Crow: Yeah, I hear a few are even funny. Tom: Just for that, here's another one! Which Smurf got Smurfette pregnant? Crow: Ummmm... I give up. Tom: Clumsy! Crow: >Ranma quickly stripped down and jumped into the lake leaving a >severely shaken Ukyo to sit and wonder if she would face the same >punishment as the bear for lying to her. Crow: Nah, he'd probably be more creative. Like tearing off all your limbs and beating you senseless with them. Or removing your lungs through your butt like that Lobo guy.... Joel: Ick... >Maybe she deserved it, in her own mind she was no better then Shampoo. Tom: Speaking of which, I wonder if Shampoo, not to mention everyone else involved in Ranma's life, are looking for him right now? I don't suppose we could have a 'Meanwhile, back in Nerima....'? Crow: Meanwhile, back in Nerima, the First Impact started, thereby slaughtering hundreds of thousands and letting Ukyo off the hook! Tom: Woo hoo! >Ukyo: Ok Ranma-honey I'll be there in a second. >Ukyo undressed in a timely manner and was soon joining Ranma in >the lake. Ukyo had never been skinny-dipping before and found the >new sensation exhilarating. Joel: That's ONE word for it. Crow: You've skinny dipped, Joel? Joel: Once, during a camping trip at the lake. Someone bet me $40 that I wouldn't do it in front of the girls. Of course, they stole my clothes afterwards.... Tom: You fell for THAT old gag? Joel: Hey, it was for $40! So sue me! >She and Ranma spent over an hour swimming, both came out of the >lake looking like prunes. Crow: Uh-oh! You fall in cursed lake of drowned Cologne! >When they finally left the surreal comforts of the lake almost all of >Ukyo's tension about the potion and Ranma was forgotten. Crow: Yep, nothing like a cold swim in the buff to get your mind off your fiancee brutally murdering a woodland creature.... >She and Ranma were getting dressed when Ukyo noticed something >Ranma had stopped putting on clothes and was now touching herself >in a very 'in appropriate' manner. Joel: How 'in apropos'. >Ukyo: * Wow Ranma-honey is really going at it, I thought that she >would be more then satisfied from last night. We made love ten, twelve, >I lost count of all the times we did it. Crow: Eight times exactly, not counting her 3rd base encounter with her female half! Tom: Trust you to keep track. Crow: Heh heh heh.... >And now she's going at it again, incredible. It must be a combination >of that martial arts endurance of his along with the effects of that >potion. Tom: Boy, she'll make up ANY excuse not to blame herself, eh? >Wha..... I'm starting to get a little... uh...moist to, the idea of >being with a girl never really appealed to me, I guess..... I guess....last >night affected me more then I thought. Joel: Man, you can practically FEEL the author pulling the strings here.... Tom: PULL THE STRINGS!!! PULL THE STRINGS!!! >Should I....do something? Maybe I should just watch, I've never seen >someone just break down and start masturbating before. Crow: Welcome to the world of lemon fanfics, Ukyo. >* Uhhhh..... Ranchan could you use a little help there? Tom: Yes, not to mention there... and there... and *especially* down THERE.... Crow: Heh. >Ranma: Ukyo could you, down there...... Joel: Um, okay. There. How's that? >Ukyo understood what Ranma meant and immediately got down >on her knees. Crow: Joel: DON'T say it, guys.... Tom: Not saying a word. >After briefly wondering if there was such a thing as martial arts muff >diving she went in for the kill. Crow: She's on the mattress... there's the jump... Oooh! Nice form! The judges give her a 9.8! Excellent dive! >The red head wrapped her legs around Ukyo's head in a manner that >could have been mistaken as some type of choke hold Tom: Yeah, the figure four neck lock. >but form the look on Ranma's face martial arts were the last thing on >her mind. The writhing intertwined duo somehow ended up in the >shallows of the lake, which resulted in Ukyo nearly drowning. Tom: Geez, who taught you how to 69? Goldeneye's Xenia Onatopp?!? >However before she came up for air, with the aid of her fingers, she >achieved her goal of bringing both herself and Ranma to the plateau >of orgasmic ecstasy. Crow: You know, this scene ain't half bad.... Joel: Sure, if you ignore all the ethical and moral dilemmas involved.... Crow: Just spoil my fun, why don't ya? Joel: Heh. >They laid there in the shallows of the lake for what seemed like hours, >both seemingly content just to be in each other's company. Tom: But in *actuality*, both of them loathed each other's touch and even now, were plotting each other's gruesome death.... >Ukyo: * I would just love to lay here holding Ranchan all day but we've >got to get home, Joel: Home...? We have no home... Hunted... Despised... Living like animals... The forest is our home! But we will show the fanfiction vorld that we can be its master! We shall perfect our own race of writers! A race of Ranma/Ukyo supporters! THAT VILL CONQUER THE VORLD!!! Crow: Yikes! >its getting dark and I don't know exactly where we are. I hope we can >find our way back to the cabin. * Ranchan get up we have to get going, >its almost dark. >Ranma: Why do we have to leave, we could lay out here at least a little >longer. Crow: Oh sure, let's give the mosquitoes a chance for a early evening snack! >Ukyo: Ranma it's almost dark and if we don't leave now we might not >find out way back. Crow: Anybody get the feeling Ukyo sleeps with a night light? Tom: You should talk. You've got one too, remember? Crow: Oh, bite me. >Do you remember the way back to the cabin exactly? >Ranma: Of course. >Ukyo glared at Ranma. Joel: What? I brought a compass! >Ranma: I'm sorry Ucchan, it's all my fault that were lost. It's all my >fault, if I paid attention to where we were going better we wouldn't be >like this. Its all my fault......all my fault.....can you ever forgive me >Ucchan. All: SHUT UP!!! Crow: One more apology and my spatula's got a date with your skull! Tom: She probably would have saved herself a lot of trouble if she tried that from the start.... >Ukyo: * There he goes again, stupid potion, stupid, stupid potion. * Tom: Ah, the Ed Wood guide to script dialogue. >No its not your fault its never your fault, now come on we should leave >now I'm confident with your help we can find our way back. Joel: Thank goodness I didn't kidnap Ryouga.... >Ranma: Ok Ucchan we'll leave just let me get dressed. Tom: Can we bring in some commas here, please? >Ranma and Ukyo got dressed in short order and soon they were on their >way back to the cabin. Crow: Well, she IS a short order cook. >Once again we see Ukyo starring at her watch the camera zooms in for >a close up it's a little past nine and Ukyo seems to be getting more and >more nervous by the minute. Ranma doesn't seem to notice this at all Joel: There! Behind those bushes! I'm telling you, there's a floating movie camera following us around! We must be in a 3-D platform game! >and surprisingly within a half an hour they had made their way back >to the cabin. By now it was totally black outside and the only light was >from the cabin, not even the moon penetrated the thick canopy of trees. Crow: Welcome to Eerie, Nerima. Tom: It's creepy and it's kooky, Mysterious and spooky, It's all together ooky, This padded scenery! Dah dah dah dah! Joel: >They enter the cabin and the camera follows close behind, they close the >door behind them but the camera shifts to the side and goes through the >window as though it was not there. Joel: Nice touch.... Crow: Unfortunately, a family of wild Trumpys had snuck into the cabin while they were gone. Several days later, police investigators found a scene that they could only describe as "grisly, yet strangely hilarious." >Ukyo: Ranma-honey how about you and I have dinner, its been a long >day and I'm sure you're as hungry as me if not more hungry considering >how you usually eat. Tom: Geez, are you nervous or something? Crow: N-nervous! W-w-why would I be nervous!? If I was nervous, I'd tell you I was nervous, I wouldn't tell you that I wasn't nervous if I was nervous which I'm NOT! Tom: Oooooo-kay. >Ranma: Yeah Ucchan, I'm starved could you make me a pork >Okonomoyaki. >Ukyo: One pork Okonomoyaki coming up. I'll also heat you up some >water so that you can change back. >Ranma: I don't know if that's such a good idea....... >Ukyo: Why not? Joel: I might end up chained to the bed again! Crow: And that's a bad thing? >Ranma: Well, remember last night? Tom: Cause it's a total blank for me! >I might get like that again, or even worse, for some reason I have an >uncontrollable urge to fuck you and its even worse when I'm a guy. Joel: Why, it's almost like my male half is from Mars and my female half is from Venus.... >So I don't really want to change back right now. Tom: I'm happy just the way I am! >Ukyo: Oh >That statement stunned Ukyo with both its bluntness and the information >it bestowed upon her. Crow: Boy, he really doesn't haven't a clue, does he? >In her opinion it was all her fault that Ranma was this way and it >pained her. Joel: Not quite enough to stop her from rolling in the hay with Ranma, but.... >However, even though she was distracted the Okonomoyaki turned out >flawless as always. Joel: Always look on the bright side of life.... Tom: Thank you, Brian. Crow: By Papal decree, the Holy Okonomiyaki shan't even be singed! >Ranma ate two, three, five, seven Bots: ...eight! Schlemiel, schlimazel, hasenpfeffer incorporated! Joel: We're gonna do it.... >Okonomoyaki before he was full. Ukyo only ate a single Okonomoyaki >with shrimp, even though she was feeling hungry the whole thing with >Ranma had made her lose her appetite already. Crow: So she's feeling hungry yet she's lost her appetite... huh? >Ukyo, who was thoroughly exhausted walked over to the couch and >flopped down on it creating a significant cloud of dust. Ranma >watched her for a couple seconds then followed suit. Tom: Heh. That's what happens when you hire Lily Munster to be your maid. >Ranma: So what are we going to do now Ucchan? >Ukyo: Now......were going to.......watch some TV.(she finished quickly) Crow: Yeah, I have that problem too. Got any oysters? >With that Ukyo clicked the changer in her hand and the TV came to >life. Ranma appeared a little upset at first Joel: Survivor?!? I hate that show! Come on, change the channel! >but ended up cuddling up against Ukyo snuggling her head in the crook >of Ukyo's neck where she spent the next hour or so. Tom: Sounds like a good idea about now. (Tom rests his head against Joel's shoulder.) Wake me up if anything interesting happens, okay? Crow: Hey, does that mean I can take a nap too? (Crow starts leaning over to Joel's right shoulder) Joel: Aw, come on, guys, don't you think you owe it to the reader to stay awake? Bots: ZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzz.... Joel: Guess not. >All the while Ukyo had a happy look on her face, no matter how the >night turned out she would always have the memories, and what >memories they were. Joel: Memories... like the corners of your mind.... (Tom and Crow are now sound asleep, much to Joel's dismay.) Joel: Uh... er... Yeah, I'm sure she'll ALWAYS treasure her tortured memories of corrupting Ranma's emotions and scarring him for life! And... and why would she ever want to let go of the pain Ranma's artificially induced love inflicted on her heart? Such fond memories indeed! Heh heh... heh... (starts nudging Tom and Crow) Guys? Little help here, please? >In the course of twenty-four hours she had lost her virginity, and lived >the perfect life with little doubt in her mind that she was loved every >step of the way........at least for a day. Joel: See how much better life is when you're in total denial? (Tom and Crow continue to slumber peacefully) Joel: And... uhh... sure, she could simply remind herself of her anger, misery and fear from a few hours ago but hey, why bother when she can thrive in blissful ignorance... kind of like my two lazy robot buddies here... (Joel shakes the bots a little harder) >They had been watching TV for well over an hour when some of the >late night programs started coming on. Joel: All right! Infomericals and Phone Sex Ads till dawn! WOO HOO!!! Tom: H-Huh? Whassat? Oh, it's just Joel.... Crow: Ahhh... nothing like a three minute nap to perk ya right up! So, is the fic over then? Joel: Come on, guys, time to get up! (Joel gently pushes the bots off his shoulders and back into a sitting position.) We've still got a little way to go and I need your help here, okay? Tom: ZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzz.... Joel: TOM! Tom: Gah?! I'm awake! I'm awake! The answer is six! Joel: Rise and shine, Peppermint Patty. >Suffice it to say these programs were not targeted at children. Tom: Oh, like the Lawrence Welk show? >For some reason however Ukyo could not find the will to change the >channel Crow: Well, duh! Who in their right mind could resist the whimsical charms of Mr. Popeil? Joel: I know I couldn't. >so there they sat in silence watching well.....they were watching porn..... Crow: So Ukyo's cabin gets free Pay-Per-View? Joel: Either that or Showcase. >They continued watching for some time before Ranma turned to Ukyo >and said one of the most unexpected things.... Crow: Red Baby Buggy Bumpers? >Ranma: Ucchan, will you fuck me like a man would? Tom: Quick, sloppy and snoring seconds afterwards? Joel: Nah, I'd rather talk to you... y'know, like lovers do? >The only thing that shocked Ukyo more then the question was the >sincerity that Ranma had asked it with. She was so shocked Crow: Okay, who let the Pikachu in the cabin? >that the only thing she could do was start to form sentences for a couple >minuets as her eyes grew round like saucers. Tom: Minuet? Wasn't that the name of Riker's Holodeck Fantasy Woman? Crow: Computer, end program! Computer, exit! Nope, must be a typo. >Ukyo: Uh.....umm...uh...uhh....umm..... Tom: That's the worst impression of Crash Test Dummies I've ever heard. >Ranma: Ucchan? Crow: Shut up! I'm like, totally meditating here! Ummm... uh uhh... ummm.... >It appeared as though Ukyo was coming back to herself and she began to >focus in on the Red Head sitting before her. Joel: Peg Bundy?!? Where did YOU come from? >Ukyo: * First I'm on top in bed, next she wont do anything as a girl and >wants me to take the initiative. Now she wants me to 'fuck her like a man >would' I'm not a guy damn it I'm a girl. * (Ukyo gave out an exasperated >sigh) Joel: Men! Even when we kidnap you to do our sexual bidding, you're still all the SAME!! Crow: Does the author REALLY expect us to sympathize with her at this point? Tom: Well, considering the author's responsible for her actions in the first place, I have nothing but sympathy for poor Ukyo.... Crow: Heh. >And how do you expect me to do that Ranchan. >Ranma: With this! Joel: A machine that goes Ping! >With that said Ranma walked over to the table in the far corner of the >cabin close to the door. She returned with a fairly thick, long candle. Crow: Whoa! Methinks the lemon is about to take it up a notch! Joel: Now how do you suppose Ranma knew *exactly* where to find that? Tom: Pyromaniac's sense? How the heck should I know? >Ukyo would have face-faulted if it were not for the fact that this was her >fianc'ee asking this of her. Tom: Sweet-O! What's say you and I have some fun with THIS! Joel: Awk! *thump* >She couldn't even fathom doing such a thing but Ranma was all ready >to go. Tom: And therein lies the root of many a problem in the bedroom. Joel: That's deep, Tom.... >Going so far as to remove her boxers and start to stick the candle in her >dripping cunt. Crow: She's at the starting gate and BANG! There she goes! Wow, she's getting off to a great start! She's already pushing herself into a early lead and the crowd goes wild! >Ranma stopped putting it in when she seemed to come to some obstruction. Tom: Traffic to the Hymen appears to be backed up for at least an inch! If you still have time, you might want to take an alternate route down south. It's only one lane though and there's a 50/50 chance of a mudslide.... Crow: Aren't you glad to have us awake again, Joel? Joel: >The usual ever-present look of determination on Ranma's face returned as >she prepared to shove it in her to the hilt. This snapped Ukyo out of her lull. >Ukyo: Ranchan stop! Joel: I need that candle for my next Thanksgiving dinner! >* She cant do that, if she does she'll take her own virginity. * Crow: And I already called dibs, dammit! >Ranma abruptly stopped what she was doing, she gave Ukyo a questioning >stare wondering what the hell was going on. Tom: Uh-oh! Looks like somebody finally woke up! Joel: Oh my... This could be messy.... >Ukyo got up and gently pulled the candle from Ranma's own pleasure >box and looked closely at the maroon candle. Joel: ...or not. Crow: Funny, I don't remember seeing the term 'pleasure box' in any of the anatomy classes I ever took.... Joel: Crow, the only anatomy classes you ever stuck around for was the lecture on the physics of anime breasts! Crow: Oh yeah... heh.... >It had never been burned and tapered off at one end and almost completely >tapered off at the opposite end, it definitely was an oddly shaped candle Tom: Strange... I have a sudden craving for pretzels. >and for a moment she just had to wonder what on earth possessed her >to buy such a thing. Tom: Then the moment passed and she knew it had been the wisest investment she had made in years. >Her thoughts however were once again brought back to Ranma as the >emotionally charged girl tried to wrestle the candle from Ukyo's clutches. Crow: Live from a isolated cabin somewhere in the mountains of Japan, it's the BATTLE OF THE NUDE FOOTBALL LESBIANS!!! Tom: With 'Capture the Candle' rules? Crow: You got it, sparky! Let the mayhem begin! >Ukyo: Ranchan you cant take your own virginity I will not allow it! >Ranma: I'll take it if I want to and no one can stop me! Joel: It's my hymen and I'll take it if I want to! >Ukyo smacked her hand to her head as she realized how absurd their >current conversation was, what a thing to argue over. Tom: Then she did it again when she realized how stupid it was to drug and take advantage of Ranma out of jealousy and rage. Then once more when she realized how many people were probably looking for them and what they would do to her when they discovered the truth. And then, one final time when she realized she probably could have avoided this whole mess by simply drinking a V-8 and going back to bed.... >She looked at the smug look on Ranma's face, and wounded what the >hell was going through her mind, Tom: Wounded? Joel: Good! Maybe if she puts whatever the hell is going through her mind *completely* out of its misery, she'll return to normal. >obviously the potion was wearing off but she thought it would wear off >all at once not slowly over time like this. Joel: ...awkward sentence. Crow: I would think it would be in Ukyo's best interests to NOT wear off all at once. >On one side of Ukyo's mind she wanted ever so badly to take Ranma's >virginity as a girl. Joel: I'm still confused as to the motivation here. Does Ukyo want to deflower Ranma's female side for revenge or lust? >Hours earlier Ranma had savagely torn though hers, she could look at >it as payback. And was she not seeking Ranma's virginity hours earlier >for herself, didn't she deserve it? All: NO. >And here was Ranma giving herself to Ukyo.........but on the other side >of her mind she kept hearing.... Joel: Pink Floyd? Crow: Pet Shop Boys? Tom: Damien Demento? >this is wrong.....this is wrong.....like a broken record she was so confused. Crow: What is this word? Wrong? I can't make heads or tails of it! >Ranma: That's it I'm ending this now. All: YAY!!! Joel: Let's go, guys! (Joel picks up Tom as Crow rises from his seat) >I'm going to break my hymen and there is nothing at all you can do >about it. All: Awww.... (Everyone resumes their seats) >Ukyo: If anyone if going to do that I am! * Didn't mean for it to come >out that loud, oh well * Tom: Boy, all these little chats between me and me have really helped me understand myself better. *I know, isn't it wonderful to be able to talk to me like I'm my own best friend?* Boy, I said it! *I sure did!* >Ranma: Ucchan? Joel: I'd be calling her something else at this point.... Crow: Sybil comes to mind. >Ukyo: Ranchan I think that it is my duty, scratch that, my responsibility >to take your virginity. Tom: No way! I'm still playing with it! Crow: Come on, give it! Please? I'll be your friend! Tom: No! It's my virginity! Mine! mine! mine! Crow: I'm telling! Mommmm!! Make Ranma share his virginity with me! >Ranma: Ucchan..... Crow: Can't you say anything else but Ucchan?!? Joel: Umm, it's all my fault and I apologize? Crow: ARRRRRRRGH!!! >Ranma's eyes began to gather tears as she shot foreword and enveloped >her oldest friend in a hug. Ukyo separated herself from Ranma and began >to mentally prepare herself for the coming task. Tom: I've got the touch... I've got the power... YEAH!!! >Surprisingly as she began to strip off her clothes she found herself more >then a little excited. Crow: Oh yeah, BIG surprise there. >After carefully probing her womanhood with a finger she began to insert >the candle. Tom: Let's see... cunt, pleasure box and womanhood... what do YOU, the reader, think the next metaphor for Ukyo's private parts will be? >She was a little sore from the previous night but she knew from her >previous experience the pain would soon be gone. Joel: And replaced with an entirely NEW pain! >She grimaced as the final inch or two went in before it was as deep as >it would go. A full eight inches still protruded from Ukyo's love tunnel >that ended with a flat nub which was the base of the candle around a >half an inch in diameter. Tom: Love tunnel. We have a winner! Crow: I'm almost afraid to ask... how long exactly is that candle? Joel: Hey, he's given us the exact engineering dimensions of it... what more do you want? >Ukyo approached Ranma walking seductively as she could with a >candle over a foot in her. Joel: In other words, not all that seductive. Tom: *snicker* Oh no! You look hot! Really! *chuckle* *snicker* >Ranma just laid on the round carpet in the middle of the floor, he boxers >had long since been tossed away but she was still wearing a t-shit that >was at least a size to small. (Joel and the bots giggle themselves silly) Crow: T-shit! I love it! Tom: Yeah, that's what happens when you mix Liptons with Burritos! HAAAAAAA HA HA HA HA HA!!! Crow: Hey, this t-shit is too small! We need more PRUNES, man! BWAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Joel: Oh man... Thanks, RVincent... we needed that! >Ukyo: Ranchan, are you sure that you want this? Tom: Well, now that you mention it.... Joel: Too bad! You're doing it anyway! Mwahahahaha!!! >* I also want to know why you want to do this, oh Ranma honey you >were never like this before. Its all that potion's fault, I'm sorry >Ranchan.....please forgive me if you regret this later. * Crow: And please forgive me for the seven or eight times after that as well! After all, I'm only horne... uh, I mean, human! >Ranma: Yes....yes I do want this Ukyo. I've wanted something like this >for a long time I have just been.....I've been...... Joel: Ah, the hell with explanations! Let's have sex! Tom: Eww! No way! I don't know where you've been! >I've been afraid damn it, there I said it. Crow: What is this? Rocky III now? >Ukyo: * Could she have really wanted this before the potion? * Joel: Of course he did! He loves me! *Then why was he kissing Akane behind the school?* Um... um... maybe he was just kissing her good-bye? *Of course! Why didn't I think of that earlier?! We're a genius!* >Ok, Ranma honey, here I come. Tom: Ready or not. Crow: I'd say not. >She entered Ranma slowly creating so much pleasure for Ranma that >she squealed in delight, writhing under Ukyo's ministrations. Crow: I want you to squeal like a pig, Ranma! Joel: Crow, please.... >When fully buried within Ranma, Ukyo simply laid atop the redhead >for a moment, enjoying the feeling of them being connected in such a >way. Tom: Wax will keep us together... Yes, wax will keep us together.... Crow: Wait a minute, Ukyo isn't using a strap-on here! If they really are... um... *sharing* a candle, should it be impossible for Ukyo to lie on top of Ranma without breaking something? Joel: Um, let's just suspend disbelief this time, okay? >Finally Ukyo resumed her movement, pistoning in and out slowly at first >but picking up pace. As Ukyo fucked Ranma the redhead's jiggling orbs >on her chest began to swirl in circles and bounce up and down with each >thrust. Crow: Thank you, Gainax, for making breasts like mine possible! >Finally the temptation was to much for Ukyo and she moved her hands >from their stationary position to squeeze them. Tom: Squeeze them gently. Crow: AWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOGAH!!! Joel: I think they're trying to communicate. >Ranma cried out once more in delight before moving her own hands up >to return the favor. Crow: Honk Honk! >Sweat began to amass upon her brow as the strains of love making began >to exact their tolls, but Ukyo could not feel her muscles aching, her lungs >screaming for oxygen, Tom: ...her bladder begging for a bathroom break. >the only thing that she could feel was the intense pleasure filling her >body and it was getting more and more intense. Joel: Ranma, on the other hand, had already finished and was smoking a cigarette while reading a copy of TV Guide. >None of her other orgasms were like this, none even close to this intensity. Tom: Y'know what? I'm just not convinced that it was that intense. The author has yet to convince me of the overall intensity of Ukyo's orgasm to my satisfaction. And until he does, I simply refuse to believe that this particular orgasm was any more intense than her previous ones. I'm sorry, but that's the way I feel about it. Joel: Good for you, Tom. >It was as if she was riding a crimson hot wave of lava and all she could >feel is the beautiful heat, as if she had entered another world, a world of >pleasure. Crow: ...a world of SEVERE third degree burns and melted flesh. >Its safe to say she didn't last long, soon after her eyes began to glaze >over the pleasure doubled, tripled, then in a massive culmination all the >feelings she had were pushed though her with such intensity that she felt >she might have died from the sheer power of it. Tom: Nope, I'm still not convinced. Keep trying. Crow: I don't suppose the phrase "Show, don't tell" means anything to this author? >Ranma too was coming to climax due in part to Ukyo's chaotic writhing >as she achieved her all to awe inspiring goal. Joel: 100,000,000 albums sold! WOO HOO!!! >In one voice the two of them screamed out to the world in pure pleasure, >an earth shattering cry so primal its force could not be denied. Tom: D'OH!! OKAY, OKAY! I BELIEVE YOU!! IT WAS INTENSE! INCREDIBLY INTENSE!! THE MOST INTENSE ORGASM I'VE EVER SEEN IN FANFICTION!!! OKAY?!? YOU'VE CONVINCED THE CRAP OUT OF ME!!! ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?!? ARE YOU??!? (Tom's bubblehead starts to glow as brightly as a welder's torch, steam hissing from all parts of his body. Joel reacts quickly by reaching under his seat and bringing out a fire extinguisher. He unleashes a sustained blast of carbon dioxide until Tom is sufficiently cooled down.) Tom: (coughing) T-Thanks... I needed that. Joel: Anytime, little buddy. >They both promptly collapsed from the force of it. Ukyo falling atop >Ranma, the candle still between their legs as testimony to what they >had just done. Crow: Maybe it's a bendy candle? Joel: What, like straws? Crow: Hey, they've got squeeze mayonnaise now. Anything is possible! >The light of dawn came as a pleasant surprise for Ukyo. She half >expected to be emotionally or mentally shattered by now. Joel: After all, let's not forget that *Ukyo* is the REAL victim here.... >Apparently Ranma was still asleep so she had some time before all she >had done was revealed. Crow: The culmination of my master plan is close at hand! Mwahahahaha!! >Even though it might cost her life she decided to spend any remaining >time she had doing what she loved to do most..... Tom: Cook okonomiyaki? >be in Ranma's company. Crow: I wanna be CEO and I *insist* on stock options! >She snuggled up to her sleeping form, draping her arm over her firm >breasts in the process. Truth be told it didn't bother Ukyo that Ranma >was in girl from at all anymore if it did to begin with. Tom: WHAT?!? Then what the hell was with that whole 'I don't wanna make love to Ranma as a girl!' internal conflict earlier in the fic?!? Are we supposed to pretend that never happened now?!? Crow: Lesbianism in... just about a day. Joel: The Ellen Degeneres Way! >Attempting to position herself in a better position gave her the revelation >that the improvised dildo was still within her. Crow: Yuck! She better hope the wax didn't melt.... >Shrugging her shoulders she backed up her rear and removed herself >from Ranma. She looked at the long, pink, protruding member. Tom: Pink? I thought it was a *maroon* candle! Crow: Geez, how many things does she have up there anyway? Joel: Crow.... >Ukyo: * Wow.....that's sort of a turn on. I wonder what it feels like to >touch it......Ohhhh .......doesn't feel half bad......better take it out any >way......* Tom: Joel... why is Ukyo acting like she's never tried the candle before? I mean, she DID use it with Ranma yesterday, didn't she? Joel: I think this author may have a short-term amnesia problem. >She started pulling out the lengthy tool, slowly, savoring the pleasure >it brought her, and the strange empty feeling it left from being in for >so long. Nearly a foot of the massive candle was within her and when >it was completely out she felt oddly cold inside. Tom: Yah, that kinda weather'll take ya by surprise, all right. Crow: Oh yah, I remember the summer of '98 when it got to be this cold. I musta got at least eight inches of snow that day, and both my legs were closed.... Joel: Hokay, that's enough of that. >She laid the candle down on the ground away from her and mashed >herself up against Ranma once again, inadvertently grinding their >pussies and chests together. She relished in the sensation but refused >to continue, she had taken advantage of Ranma enough times. Joel: Ladies and Gentlemen... The understatement of the Millennium. Tom: Better late than never, I guess.... >Realizing that she might not get another chance and despite her previous >thoughts she took the opportunity to kiss Ranma, possibly for their last >time. Tom: D'oh! Crow: Wow! She resisted temptation for almost three seconds! >She kissed her on the lips and gradually deepened it. Her tongue slowly >parting them and entering into her hot mouth, going over every inch of >her gum line......slowly...... Crow: Oh, gross! She's licking all the tartar off! Tom: Eaaaauugh! Joel: Uh-oh... I shouldn't have had tuna for lunch.... >pushing apart her clenched teeth and going under her tongue and over >it......going so far as to touch the end of Ranma's tonsils......as if she was >molesting her mouth. Tom: Oh, THANK YOU VERY MUCH for spelling that out for us! Crow: I like lesbian kisses as much as the next guy but this is just grotesque.... Joel: Urp... Shouldn't have had that leftover Easter cake for dessert... mmph.... >Eventually and ever so reluctantly she pulled away, a thin string of >saliva connecting the two until Ukyo was out of reach and it snapped, >and was pulled by gravity to splash thickly on Ranma's oversized bosom. Joel: Ohnoohnoohnoohno.... (Joel frantically reaches behind his chair and brings out an airsick bag. He barely has time to open it up before he starts using it.) Tom: Oh man! Joel's chunking! He didn't even do that for Artemis's Lover! Crow: I don't blame him... that was about the most disgusting kissing scene I've ever seen. Tom: Worse than the kiss between Persis Khambatta and the Paper Chase guy? Crow: ...okay, the most disgusting in fanfiction. Tom: Worse than the kisses between Oscar and Felicia's breasts in 'That Girl'? Crow: ...okay, the most disgusting in THIS fanfic! Happy now? Tom: Yep. You okay, Joel? Joel: Yeah... just peachy. >Her expression changed to sadness as she realized what must be done. Joel: If it's another tongue bath to the teeth, I'm LEAVING.... >With a courage she didn't even know that she had, she reached out >and shook Ranma's sleeping form. It took a moment but one heavy >shake seemed to be enough and Ranma was already grudgingly >stretching the sleep from her body. Tom: Man, I feel like I've been asleep for days! And what's with all this waxy buildup? >Ukyo waited apprehensively as she watched Ranma. Joel: I guess this is it. Will Ukyo get what she deserves? Crow: Maybe if a Chicken Cannon is put into play.... Tom: Heh. I doubt it. >But it was all for not, the smile and loving look in Ranma's eyes made >her worries melt away. Her face stayed serious for one moment more >before asking of Ranma just one question. >Ukyo: Ranma.....I know that this may sound like a strange >question....but.....do you love me? .....Please just tell me the truth..... (Joel and the bots edge forward in their seats.) >Utter conviction was the driving force in Ukyo's voice her seriousness >not dulled one drop by the undertones of sadness it displayed. She bit >into her lip lightly as she stared at Ranma awaiting an answer. (Joel and the bots cranes their necks towards the fanfic.) >The normal look of worry and unclarity that plagued Ranma's features >was strangely absent, instead, replaced by a look of acceptance and >happiness that even caused Ukyo to smile a little. He took a long look >at Ukyo. (Joel and the bots opens their mouths in expectation.) >Ranma: With all of my heart.... (Joel and the bots freeze. Solid. A low gurgle begins to form in the pit of their chests, sloooooowly rising up their throats until it finally reaches their mouths. All: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! >Ukyo: You have no idea how long I've waited for you to say that..... Crow: There. Is. No. God. Joel: After all, love means nothing if it doesn't come from the heart! Tom: .... >Ukyo allowed her heart to rest for the first time in what felt like months. >Everything had been so hectic in her life, nothing going her way. But >now she had the only thing she wanted more then anything else in the >world......the love of her fianc'ee. Joel: And all it cost her was her soul. But hey, no biggie, right? Crow: Yes! Score one for the dark side! Woo hoo! Tom: .... >She hugged Ranma tightly, now she could finally let go of her past, and >get on with the future. A future that she thought impossible till now, a >future of love. Crow: ...and a future of lies and a future of deceit and a future of falsehoods, not to mention a future of misrepresentations, fantasies, fallacies, untruths, fibs, falsifications and outright EVIL! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVIL!!! Joel: Easy, Crow. Don't blow a gasket. Try and stay calm like Tommy here, right Tom...? Tom? (Joel gently nudges Tom and without a word he tumbles to the theater floor, motionless.) Joel: Tom!! (Joel quickly reaches down and picks up the prone droid, cradling him in his arms.) Joel: Tommy, can you hear me? Can you feel me near you? Crow: Oh no! What's wrong with him, Joel? Joel: (examining Tom) I'm not sure... He didn't blow his top but he's not responding... Maybe he just needs some fresh air... Can you handle the riffing for a minute while I try to revive him? Crow: No problem, I got ya covered. (Joel carries Tom off-camera to the right towards the air grate near the entrance of the theater.) >The End? Crow: No, the beginning. Everything we just read was a prologue... (realizes what he just said) NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! >************************ Crow: Boy, I wish those were ninja stars... so I could CHUCK them at the putz who wrote this stupid story! Joel: Hey, if you going to chuck stars anywhere, chuck em at Dr. F. He's the one that keeps SENDING us these things.... >Wow! My longest fanfic till now! Not one of my best works but my >longest. Crow: Is there a rabbi in the house? Have I got a circumcision for YOU! (Joel walks back into the theater with Tom and takes his seat.) Crow: So, how's the little shrimp doing? Joel: Well, his circuits are cooled down now and I'm about to reboot his software. (Joel flips a switch on Servo's base) There! That ought to do the trick! Tom: HaPPy BiRtHdAY! I aM ThOMas sERVo, a rObOT wItH nO fEEt anD uSeLeSs aRms. I aM PrO*zzap*gramed to sing over six million show tunes while amusing all with my sparkling wit, dry humor and... whoa, what the heck happened to me? Crow: You fainted like a fembot from the experiment. Tom: Gee, I must have blacked out there and... Hey! Who are you calling a fembot, Pinbeak! Crow: I'm calling YOU a fembot, gumballs for brains! Tom: Why I oughta....! (Tom struggles to hover over towards Crow but is held back by Joel.) Let me at em! Joel: Nice to have things back to normal around here. >You can e-mail me at RVincent@aol.com with questions, comments, >and criticism. Tom: I'll take questions. *ahem* Question 1: How the hell did Ranma escape from being chained to the bed? Question 2: Why were Ukyo's motives never clear, shifting from vengeance to love, back and forth again? Question 3: What the HELL was the deal with Ranma killing that bear in the woods? Question 4: What exactly WAS Ukyo supposed to have gotten that she deserved? Question 5: The molesting French kiss sequence...WHY?!? Joel: Uhhh, maybe I'd better take it from here with comments... The story itself had some spelling and grammar errors but all in all, it wasn't too bad for a first effort. The plot itself had some good possibilities, which I mentioned earlier in the fic, but assuming Ranma was too drugged out of his mind to be IC... by letting Ukyo win Ranma's love without suffering any consequences for her actions you're keeping her from learning anything and hence failing your obvious goal of making her sympathetic. Tom: Yeah, maybe the story would have been more effective if this were a darkfic shown from the viewpoint of a *quite* insane and desperate Ukyo. That way some of the more odd events in the fic could be better explained... like the repeated insistence that Ranma and Ukyo were achieving an orgasm like no other... the constant paranoia within Ukyo's own thoughts... why Ranma seemed to go along with her at every turn when it didn't seem plausible at all... etc, etc. Any other thoughts, Crow? Crow: Uh, yeah. Well, I guess my first criticism that hasn't been mentioned already is the whole mood of the story in general. All those fancy camera tricks and ominous backgrounds never really amounted to anything. And what happened to the whole Nerima contingent? Did they fall off the face of the earth? And for that matter, Ukyo's rather insane motivation that turns out to have no basis because Ranma loves her now, but it must have had basis to begin with because it was the reason Ukyo snapped. And then we have the most important question of all.... Joel: Okay, I'll bite... what is it? Crow: Who do you suppose is going to be the man in this relationship? >As for the fanfic itself, the potion did wear off but it left Ranma in love >with Ukyo. It probably wasn't fair to make Ukyo give Ranma a potion to >make him love her, but oh well. Tom: Shit happens. Deal with it, gentle readers. Joel: And don't forget, if you want to contrive plots, make them up yourselves! >She just wanted to get one night with him and the potion turned it to >love. He could have loved her in his heart of hearts anyway, at least I >think so. Crow: Even after everything she did to him in THIS story? I dunno, that might be pushing it *juuuuuust* a little.... >Once again thank you for reading, you can find other fanfics by me at >http://meltingpot.fortunecity.com/brodie/735/fanfic.html that's it for now. Joel: Oh good, it's finally over, guys.... Crow: Woo hoo! Time to blow this corn dog stand! Tom: Happy days are here again.... (Joel picks up Tom and follows Crow out of the theater) * * * THEATER OF LOVE The audience murmured among themselves as they sat in their rickety seats, waiting for the show to begin. The holocabana had been converted into an old Vaudeville style theater, complete with thick velvet curtains and a Ragtime Band in the orchestra pit. On the right side of the stage was a roller piano while on the left side of the stage, there was a large poster set upon a easel with the caption: 'UKYO'S RHAPSODY' Suddenly, the lights in the theater dimmed and the audience applauded as the curtain shifted around and a shape could be seen trying to push its way through. After a minute or so, Tom finally emerged from the center of the curtains, hovering unsteadily. "G-Geez... No wonder Guy Smiley has so much trouble doing that!" Tom gasped as he quickly gathered himself to address the audience in a more dignified manner. "Good evening, ladies and germs! Heh heh... little joke there... Crow wrote that, actually...." Tom cleared his throat before continuing. "Tonight, The Satellite of Love is proud to present a special one-act play that sums up our feelings about the fanfic we were just forced to read... 'Ukyo Gets What She Deserves'." "As we see it, sure, it would be easy to blame Ukyo since she did all the evil things to Ranma in this fanfic. But before we start warming up the tar and feathers, let's not forget the fact that Ukyo is only as evil as the *author* decides she should be. Therefore, we ultimately agreed... well actually, we decided with a coin flip and I won the best of seven... that Ukyo should be allowed to get what she truly deserves... Poignant yet goofy revenge!" "So, without further ado, let's put our hands together for 'Ukyo's Rhapsody!' Tom exclaimed as he hovers over to the piano and sits on the stool while the audience applauds. (The curtains open to reveal the bedroom area of Ukyo's cabin, with Joel chained to the bed while dressed in Ranma's usual clothes. Joel whines like a puppy as Ukyo sits on the edge of the bed in a Rodin's Thinker pose, dressed in her usual okonomiyaki seller's outfit with shorts.) (Another spotlight shines on the catwalk above the stage to illuminate a sinister figure. It is Crow dressed as Snidley Whiplash, complete with a cheesy mustache and a top hat with a big sticker that reads 'Hello! My name is RVINCENT'. He is holding puppeteer control sticks and is dangling them over Ukyo, chuckling evilly. As the stage lights brighten, Ukyo slowly lifts her chin and began to sing.) Ukyo: Is this the real me? Or just some fantasy? Caught in a fanfic. An escape from reality. (Ukyo slowly stands up and walks to center stage, closing her eyes as Tom pretends to play the player piano.) Ukyo: I'll close my eyes... Look into myself and see, I'm not a poor girl... I want no sympathy, I'm not a easy come, easy go, Little mad, really low (Ukyo stomps her foot and turns her back on the helpless Joel. She folds her arms across her chest, looking cross.) Ukyo: Anyway this fic blows Ranma doesn't matter to me, to me! (Ukyo walks back to Joel's side, scowling at him.) Ukyo: Ranma... you're not a man, Pumped some drugs into your head, Then I chained you to my bed. (Ukyo turns away, holding a fist up in the air.) Ukyo: Ranma... I've only just begun, My honor and pride, I've thrown it all away. (Ukyo turns back to Joel, tears in her eyes.) Ukyo: Ranma... , Didn't mean to make you cry, I'll have you back in Nerima this time tomorrow.... If I'm wrong, well so long, not like your feelings really matter.... (Ukyo quickly wipes her tears away, trying to be nonchalant.) Ukyo: It's late... your time has come, I sent shivers up your spine, body's aching for good times. Good-bye, to my ethics, They've got to go, G-got no time to think and see... the truth! (Ukyo breaks down again and kneels at Joel's bedside, grasping his hand.) Ukyo: Ranma, , I don't want to lie! I really wish I'd never drugged you at all! (Crow suddenly looks concerned as he frantically manipulates the puppeteer control sticks. Ukyo suddenly leaps to her feet and begins wandering around in a jerky motion as Joel suddenly bolts upright in the bed, looks at Ukyo and exclaims.) Joel: I see a little glimmer of the girl we know! (Crow glares down at him from the catwalk and protests.) Crow: It's a lie! It's a lie! She hates her fiancee! (Joel looks towards the audience and whispers aside.) Joel: Desperation can be very, very, fright'ning, ne? (Ukyo clutches her head in pain.) Ukyo: (Do I love him?) No, you hate him. (Yes, I hate him!) No, you love him. (Why can't I make up my mind?!? Am I loco-o-o-o-o?) (Ukyo reels backwards and collapses on her butt, looking depressed.) Ukyo: I'm just a psycho, Ranma won't love me (Joel gestures at Ukyo while appealing to the audience.) Joel: She's not a psycho, it's not her fault, you see! Spare her as this fanfic made her OOC! (Joel then looks up at Crow and appeals to him.) Joel: Fic is done, Pain will go, Please RVincent, let her go (Crow whirls his cape around him dramatically, sneering down at him.) Crow: You're crazy! No, I will not let her go! Joel: Let her go! Crow: You're crazy! I will not let her go! Joel: Let her go! Crow: You're crazy! I will not let her go! (Ukyo slowly rises to her feet, a look of astonishment on her face.) Ukyo: Let me go? Crow: Will not let her go. (Ukyo suddenly looks up at Crow and glares at him.) Ukyo: Let me go! Crow: Will not let her go. Ukyo: LET ME GO!!! (Ukyo grabs the space above her head and yanks down hard. Crow cries out in surprise as he is yanked over the catwalk railing and plummets down to the stage with a crash. Ukyo then pulls out her big ass spatula, twirls it for a moment and then brings the flat end down on Crow repeatedly.) Clang! Clang! Clang! Clang! Clang clang clang clang clang! (Satisfied, Ukyo drops the now bent spatula on the stage and then takes a good look around the stage. When she sees Ranma, she is horrified.) Ukyo: Oh my goodness! Oh, dear god! look at what you made me do! Damn! RVincent had a devil put inside of me, of me, of me. (Suddenly a huge cloud of smoke envelops the entire stage. When it clears, the vaudeville theater has transformed into a modern rock concert stage, complete with wild screaming rock fans. Joel, Tom, and Crow are dressed in generic 70's rocker clothes, Crow and Joel begin playing electric guitar while Tom plays the drums. Ukyo now sports a black leather vest over her clothes, identical to the one worn by Stone Cold Steve Austin as she steps up to the microphone and sings.) Ukyo: So, you think you can change me and make me look bad?!? (Ukyo gestures at Joel, forgetting he is no longer dressed like Ranma.) Ukyo: So you think you can change him and think I'll be glad?!? (Ukyo grabs a startled Crow by his lapels.) Ukyo: Heyyyyy, jackass! Don't do that to me, jackass! I may not be a saint... but I deserve better than that! (Before Crow can say anything, Ukyo drops him with the Stone Cold Stunner to a standing ovation while Tom and Joel continue to wail. Then, as the song winds down....) Ukyo: Characterization matters, Anyone can see, Characterization matters, characterization matters... to me. (As the final notes of the song are played, Crow manages to struggle to his feet, and joins everyone as they all croon softly....) All: Either way, this fanfic blows.... (The crowd's cheers are deafening as Joel, Crow, Tom and Ukyo all join hands and bow to the audience as the curtain closes. Then the theater fades away to reveal the familiar balsa wood walls of the Holocabana.) "That was great, guys! Good job!" Joel smiled. "Yeah! Thanks a lot for standing up for me!" Ukyo exclaimed happily, giving Joel and the bots a hug. "Aw, shucks, it weren't nuthin, ma'am." Crow replied in his best western drawl. "Anything... for a lady." Tom replied in his best Barry White impression, which was mediocre at best. Suddenly the lights in the room began to flash red. "Oops, looks like Statler and Waldorf are calling. I wonder how they liked it?" Joel wondered. * * * DEEP 13 Dr. Forrester and Frank each held a small sign with a thumbs up symbol, which they quickly flipped upside down. Then they used their other hand to pull down their eyelid while sticking their tongues out at the viewscreen for a long moment. "It stinks!" They added in unison before simultaneously pushing the button. ....AND THE MSTINGS CONTINUE... I hope you enjoyed this and C&C is very welcome. (fcasper@yesic.com) Author's Notes: Hi again! This MSTing was a lot of fun to do! The hosts took a little longer than usual because I basically rewrote them from scratch after getting writer's block for a week but I'm glad I did cause I'm much happier with the final result. Now I just have to get back to the PSX RPG's I've been neglecting for the past week.... ;P I've been MSTing for over three years now and I want to thank each and every person who's send me words of support and encouragement and who have helped me throughout these last three years. I treasure every piece of fan mail I receive and I consider it a great honor that some people have dedicated their MSTings to me and tell me that I helped encourage them to start MSTing. To all of you, thank you from the bottom of my heart and I hope I can continue to inspire and make you laugh for a long time to come. :) Also, I'd like to give personal thanks, once again, to Gary Kleppe, whose C&C and suggestions are always appreciated. I can't say enough nice things about this guy! :) If you haven't had a chance to check out his latest works 'The Ghost Prison' and 'For a Dying Friend', you can reach him at kleppe@mediaone.net or his webpage at http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics.html and I'm sure he'll be happy to send the story along to you. I'd also like to give personal thanks to Zoogz, who helped me with some in-depth C&C for this MSTing. He is a very funny and talented author and you can find his works at his new webpage http://www.nav.to/Zoogz including his Utena MSTing 'Ma Vie et Roses'. He is currently between projects at the moment, including an original fanfic called 'Point Source' Additionally, I want to thank Fido for helping me with some of the lyrics on the parody, as well as Lynxara and Flashman for helping with the IRC parody a while back. It took me a while to use it but I finally did! ;P Finally I'd like to thank RVincent for writing 'Ukyo Gets What She Deserves' and giving me his blessing to MST it as well as a lot of material to work with. I hope you're not offended. It's all meant in good fun. :) Shizen's Versatile Home Page V3.0 (My MSTing and Fanfic Pages can be found here.) http://svhp.webjump.com/ (Alternate site: http://www.tass.org/fanfic/MST3k/) Shinji's Vault of Anime MSTings http://lefty.simplenet.com/svam/ SEASON ONE ------------------ 101- "GAMES" by Artemis (SM Lemon) 102- "ARTEMIS'S LOVER" (Original Draft) by Oscar (SM Lemon) 103- "SAILOR JUPITER VS. GODZILLA" by The Flashman (SM/GODZILLA CROSSOVER) 104- "JUDGE BRAINITITE" by Dr. Thinker (SM Fanfic) w/short "RANMA 1/2: ACCUSED PT. 1" by Karmin (R1/2 Fanfic) 105- "THE WAR" by M. Llave (R1/2 Fanfic) 106- "TRANSITIONS" by Richard Lawson (Nuku Nuku Fanfic) 107- "HELLRAISERS" (Original Draft) by Aaron Eaton (La Blue Girl/Overfiend/Original Crossover) 108- "MEN OF BOKKEN" by M. Llave (R1/2 Fanfic) 109- "BISHOUJO SENSHI ROYAL RUMBLE" by Ken Hoinsky (SM/WWF Crossover) w/short "THE DINNER PARTY" by Chris Curzon (SM/RL Crossover) 110- "XMAS SPECIAL: SAILOR MOON MEETS FATHER CHRISTMAS" by Dr. Thinker (SM Christmas Fanfic) SEASON TWO ------------------- 201- "THAT GIRL" PT. 1-2 by Oscar (SM Lemon) 202- "VIRGIN WARRIOR SAILOR MOON" by Umino (SM Lemon) 203- "*R*P*M*" by Flynn (SM/SPAWN Crossover) 204- "RANKO'S LIFE" PT. 1-2 by Hitomi Ichinohei (R1/2 Fanfic) 205- "TRAPPED" by Mr_Jazz (SM Lemon) 206- "OSCAR TOON" PT. 1-4 by Oscar (SM/DBZ/WB Crossover) 207- "CALIFORNIA DREAMING" by Shakari (Mutiple Crossovers) 208- "A RANMA 1/2 FANFIC" PT. 1-2 by Sheep (R1/2 Fanfic) 209- "TRIANGLE TANGLE" by CATS (SM Lemon) 210- "THE KIDNAPPING" PT. 1-2 by SMendou (UY Lemon) SEASON THREE ---------------------- 301- "A WET DREAM COME TRUE" by Mike Rhea (R1/2 Lemon) 302- "TORTURED ECHO" PT. 1-4 by Trakal (R1/2 Fanfic) 303- "RANMA KILLS!" PT. 1-2 by Sir Asayogure (R1/2 Fanfic) 304- "OKONOMIYAKI SUMMER" by Mike Rhea (R1/2 Fanfic) w/short "UNDER THE MISTLETOE" by Mike Rhea (R1/2 Fanfic) 305- "XMAS SPECIAL: A CHRISTMAS FIT FOR A POKEMON" by Dr. Thinker (Pokemon Christmas Fanfic) 306- "9-BALL DREAMS" PT. 1-2 by Mr_Jazz (SM Crossover Lemon) 307- "WINTER" by Joseph Palmer (R1/2 Fanfic) 308- "UKYO GETS WHAT SHE DESERVES" PT. 1-2 by RVincent (R1/2 Lemon) SHORTY! ------------- 101- SUBLIMINALLY SEDUCE WOMEN INSTANTLY! 102- THE UGLIEST WOMEN ON THE NET! 103- PHEROMONES! 104- THE INTERNET SPY AND YOU!! OTHER MSTINGS I'VE CONTRIBUTED TO --------------------------------------------------------- "DIMISIONAL TROUBLE" by Dr. Thinker (SM Fanfic) "MOONDUSTED" by Stephen Ratliff (SM/TNG Crossover) Shinji's Vault of Anime MSTings http://lefty.simplenet.com/svam/ "THE COUNTESS CHRONICLES" by Lin Lin (SM Dark Lemon) "9 1/2 CHIPMUNKS" by Toon Dreams (Rescue Rangers Yaoi Lemon) Lefty's MSTings http://lefty.simplenet.com/MSTings/index.htm 'MYSTERY WRESTLING THEATER 3000', POST 105: DOUBLE TROUBLE!' (Two interviews with the Ultimate Warrior and '3:16 Rulzs!' by Oracle) Website Number 9 MSTings http://pinky.wtower.com/mst3k/mistings.shtml "THE DAY OF EMERGANCE" by Jeffrey Lee (Ranma 1/2/Eddings/SM Crossover) Gary Kleppe's Comics and Manga Page http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics.html OTHER GREAT WEBPAGES WORTH VISITING Zoogz's Fanfiction and Fandom Page http://www.nav.to/Zoogz The Homepage of Jeffrey "Oneshot" Wong http://www.anime.sobhrach.com\~jeffwong\index.html 'Suicide Blast' by: Keener http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Temple/3342/Suicide.html Additional links for Keener's stuff -- http://tmffa.com/ -- http://www.redrival.com/myrriden/index.html Flashman's Flash Point http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Dojo/3105/ JOLT!!! http://users.uniserve.com/~xwing/ Website Number 9 MSTings http://neylonpc.engin.umich.edu/mst3k/mistings.shtml Lord Carnage's Cursed Fanboys Page! http://carnage.fanfic.org A Sailor Moon Romance http://moonromance.simplenet.com/ Zen's Fanfiction Page http://www.mindspring.com/~databank/fanfics.html Webdragon's Lair http://members.tripod.com/~WebDragon/ Sean Gaffney's Webpage http://www.thekeep.org/~sean/index.html ">Ranma just laid on the round carpet in the middle of the floor, he boxers >had long since been tossed away but she was still wearing a t-shit that was >at least a size to small." Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations are trademarks of and (c) 2000 by Best Brains, Inc. All rights reserved. Keep Circulating the Fanfics....