Not Ranma ½ volume 1 part 3: by Andy Wennersten MST: by Dan Nelson Oh my god oh my god oh my god. I swear in front of all reading this that I will finish this lemon, that I will riff it to shreds, that I will use any thing and every thing I can think of to tear this piece of deeply wrong fanfic to pieces, that after I will write a program to find all copies and delete them, and after that I will never MST anything again until my sanity returns from the deep dark hole where it fled to preserve itself from this horror that I now stand upon the brink of. Legal: As if any one would want to sue Andy over this thing. Ranko’s his, the MSTiers are mine, Ranma belongs to Rumiko Takahachi. Let’s get it over with. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ "So, how much do they pay you to just file your nails?" Jessica Banton asked the secretary in the sweetest voice she could manage. "At least I’m not in there." she replied. Jessica laughed. "How tough do you think this is? Free food, and I get payed." "I wouldn’t do it." the secretary tried to protest. "Well, not every one is as strong as me. This’ll probably be the easiest yet." Jess said confidently as she entered the hallway, missing the small smile on the secretary’s lips. KANI:(stepping into the screening room) Hello everyone. FLIP SIDE: (sitting down in the left Laz-Y-Boy with a soda) Oh, hi Kani. KANI: Hi Flip. Who else is here? FLIP: MaxiC and Mad Cow are in the kitchen. Apparently Max takes judo, and Mad’s dad taught him how to box, so Mad was wondering if he could get through Max’s guard. So they decided to find out. KANI: Men. Idiots. FLIP: Yeah, well, what are you gonna do? MAXIC: (entering room, singing) Hail, to the champion. MAD:(follows Max, holding a bruised right arm.) Shut up Max. I’m just out of practice. MAXIC: How many times have I heard that. Oh, hi Kani. (Sits down on Kani’s left and puts his arm around her). Listen, if you’re ever in any trouble, dear Kani, don’t hesitate to... KANI: ...do this? (Grabs Max’s right hand and bends it backwards) MAXIC: Ah, ow ow , I was only kidding. (Kani lets go of Max’s hand, Flip and Mad are trying very hard not to laugh) VOICE: Attention, the experiment is starting. MAXIC: Thank you Voice. VOICE: Begin Experiment. MAD: Saved by the fic, eh, Max? MAXIC: I beat you, didn’t I? "Wait here." Ranko said, leaving her brother outside the door. A minute later she returned holding an ice bucket. "Can you get some ice, please?" MAD and MAXIC: SH-------------T! KANI: Oh HELL No. Hell No! No way. Not that sick f---o Ranko again! No way. I’m leaving. (gets up to leave.) VOICE: Please sit down Kani. You signed a contract. If you do not watch this, you may be found in breach of that contract and be sued. KANI: You little white-coated lab monkeys wouldn’t. VOICE: Are you sure? KANI: Damnit. Fine. I’ve already done two of these damn things, I can do another. MAXIC: Flip Side, are you alright? FLIP: ... MAD: It’s alright Flip. We’ll do this together. MAXIC: Mad’s right Flip. You won’t be doing this alone. KANI: (sitting down) I’m here too Flip. FLIP: Alright. "Okay." Ranma said, grabbing the bucket. He looked in the room and only saw one bed. Guess I'm sleeping on the floor, he thought. MAXIC: The floor in the other room. The room that is farthest from Ranko’s. A few minutes later Ranma knocked at the door. When he opened the door he smelled something strange in the air. He saw an incense burner in the corner. "What's the incense for?" he asked. "It helps me relax." Ranko answered. FLIP: (Ranko) Giving any attackers the opportunity to stick a knife in my back and kill me. "Easy for you to relax." Ranko said, sitting down on the bed next to Ranko. "You've got a bed to sleep in." "So do you." Ranko said and kissed Ranma, pushing him back on the bed. FLIP: What did she just say? Ranma started to respond to the kiss, then pushed Ranko off of him. "Are you nuts!" he shouted. MAD: Oh God, not that. Please, no, not that. FLIP: Umm, did she just kiss her brother? MAXIC: Well, uh, the French kiss their family on the lips, I think. FLIP: And do you think it will stop with just kissing Max?! KANI: How did she know? "What's the problem?" Ranko asked. "I told you I like having sex with men." MAD: She knows that Ranma’s her brother, right? "I'm your brother!" Ranma yelled. "I can't do that!" KANI: Yes! A voice of sanity! "Then I'll die." ALL: DIE then already! "What?" Ranma asked, momentarily forgetting his anger. MAD: Ok, I really don’t like this. MAXIC: I think we’re all with you there Mad. MAD: No, I mean I really don’t like this. An old girlfriend turned out to have the same name as one of my relatives. This is just bringing up too many bad memories. FLIP: Was she related? MAD: Thankfully, no. "I need to have sex on a regular basis or I'll die." Ranko replied. "So, will you give me what I need?" KANI: Hey Ranma, it might be fun to watch her wither and die. You never know. "No." Ranma answered. "Not until you give me the details." FLIP: How about, NEVER! "Fine." Ranko said and returned to sitting beside Ranma. "Remember when I said that my body was changed so I could use magic?" "Yeah." "Well, my body is like a battery for sexual energy. MAXIC: Cool. Throw her in a swimming pool and short the bitch out. Whenever I use magic it drains off that power." Ranko explained. "Unfortunately, if I use that up, my life will start to fade away until I'm dead." ALL: YES! FLIP: Please oh please oh please... "Well, if using magic is killing you, then stop using it." Ranma said. KANI: Or keep using it. Until you die. "Could you quit martial arts, even if it meant your life?" Ranko asked. Ranma paused. He couldn't imagine life without martial arts. MAD: He could, however, imagine life with out Ranko. And what a peaceful life it would be. "There. You see." Ranko said. "We're both willing to lay down our lives for the Art. Just different arts." MAXIC: I’d like to see Ranko lay down her life for a Van Gogh painting. Actually, I’d just like to see her lay down her life. "Well, why do you need me? I mean, you're in love with Nabiki." Ranma asked. MAD: (Ranko) I know I am. But she just doesn’t do it for me. "It's because I'm in love with Nabiki that I can't rely on her as my only power source." Ranko replied. KANI:(Ranko) She has frequent brownouts. "Huh?" "Before I moved in with you, I had four willing partners. If I were to try to get that much energy from Nabiki, then our love making would lose it's meaning and become just fucking." Ranko explained. MAD: Nabiki has a capacitance of only a few milliFarads. FLIP: What? "Four people?" MAXIC:(Ranko) Yes. Unless you count those barnyard animals. "That's right. Skuld preferred my male form while Belldandy and Keiichi liked to have three ways with my female form. Urd didn't really care what form I was in." "Uh...that's more information than I really wanted to know." Ranma said, blushing slightly. KANI: This entire fic falls under that category. "Anyway, even with you and Nabiki, I'm going to have to limit myself on how much magic I use." "Couldn't you...um...masturbate?" Ranma asked. "Masturbating helps stop power leaks when I'm low on energy, but it doesn't produce any energy of it's own." Ranko said. "So, you've got the details. What's your decision?" ALL: NO! "I can't believe I'm saying this, but okay." Ranma said. FLIP: What!? You are actually going to have sexual intercourse with your sister?! You Sick Freakish Bastard! (begins to hyperventilate) MAD: Flip, are you alright? "Really?" Ranko replied, her eyes sparkling with undisguised joy. KANI: At the prospect of killing herself. "You don't have to sound so happy." Ranma said. "What were doing is pretty perverted." MAXIC: Judges, just where on the pervers-O-meter does this rate? KANI: This is about the sickest thing you can do without getting out side of the species. MAD: I’d give it an eight. "No it's not." Ranko said and pushed Ranma back on the bed again, kissing him deeply. FLIP: (Rising from the ball she had curled into in her recliner) Yes It Is You Sick Freak!! You Are Having Sex With You’re Brother! (collapses in her chair.) Ranma decided to try and forget that this was his sister and enjoy himself. MAD:(weakly) Too bad we can’t do that. So when he felt Ranko's tongue enter his mouth, he met it with his own. They played with each others mouths for several minutes before Ranko broke the kiss. KANI: After which the reader wants to break Ranko’s neck. Ranko smiled. She was getting better results than she expected. She started unbuttoning his shirt, kissing down his chest as each inch was exposed. MAXIC:(Ranko) Let’s see, where can this knife go... Ranma had begun to get aroused by his tongue wrestling match with Ranko, but when she started to undress him, he went from merely aroused to rock hard. He gasped when Ranko pulled down his pants and boxers. MAD: (Ranma) What? The doctors said it would grow back by now. Ranko suppressed a giggle. "I always thought it was the girl who was supposed to gasp when the guy's cock made it's appearance." Ranma groaned. "Incest AND bad jokes?" MAXIC: Hey, if you don’t want to hear our bad jokes don’t sleep with your sister. "It's not that I'm not impressed with it." Ranko said and started stroking his shaft. "After all, I know first hand what it's capable of." KANI: Ranma then grabbed the shaft of his iron-tipped spear and impaled Ranko with it. MAXIC: Uh, Kani, getting a little too into this thing? KANI: What, no, I meant one of those long spears like knights used. MAD: Impaled where? KANI: Oh, shut up. Ranma moaned as Ranko worked over his manhood with her fingers. A girls hand felt a lot better than his own. "Do you like this?" Ranko asked, slowing her actions just enough to keep him from coming. FLIP: (weakly) no...no...i don’t like this... "It's great." Ranma replied. MAD: Ranma is obviously watching a different fan fic. "Well, I bet you'll like this even better." Ranko said, and with one quick motion engulfed his cock untill her nose was nestled in his pubic hair. She slowly pulled back, drawing her lips across the shaft untill only the head was in her mouth. Then she plunged forward again. FLIP: She is...but he is...but she is...(goes limp) KANI: Damn You Andy! Look what you did to poor Flip Side! Ranma couldn't believe what he was feeling. MAD: I don’t know about Ranma, but I’d say I’m feeling nausea. Ranko's hand job was great, but it was nothing compared to the pleasure she was giving him with her mouth. He started reflexively thrusting his hips up, humping her face. Soon it became too much for him. "Ranko, stop! I'm gonna..."But the warning came too late. He shot his load in her mouth, MAXIC: ... the recoil of the .45 rocking his hand back as the slug took off the back of Ranko’s head. but to his surprise this only encouraged her. Instead of pulling back or spitting it out, she locked her lips around the base of his penis and started swallowing the cum that was filling her mouth. She released his member once it stopped twitching and became soft. MAXIC: And then died. "Did I do good?" Ranko asked. KANI: No. You forgot to hit the self-destruct switch to save us from any more of this crap. "That was wonderful. Thank you." Ranma replied. "Don't thank me yet. I'm not done." Ranko said "I mean, what's wrong with this picture?" FLIP:(suddenly regaining her sanity) I KNOW WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE! YOU ARE FU**ING YOUR BROTHER AND YOU SWALLOWED HIS SEAMEN!! DOES THAT ABOUT SUM IT UP FOR YOU?! (Collapses on the floor breathing heavily.) MAD: Flip, can you hear me? Flip? Flip Side? "What?" Ranma asked. "Look at the floor." Ranko said. KANI: I already am Ranma looked down to see his clothes in a pile on the floor. "So?" "Don't you think that my clothes should be there too?" FLIP: (coming to) Actually, I think they should be in an incinerator. With you still wearing them. Ranma looked up to see that Ranko was still fully dressed. He started unbuttoning her shirt, and was surprised to find her wearing a bra underneath. She pulled off her pants to reveal matching black silk panties. "I thought you wore boxers." Ranma said. MAD: Lennox Lewis then beat the crap out of Ranko and Ranma. MAXIC: Heh, hey Mad, aren’t you a *boxer*. MAD: Alright, two things. Shut up Max, and, well, I’d *love* to land a few good right hooks on Ranko. "I normally do, but Nabiki said these were sexier." Ranko replied and grabbed his hands, placing them on her breasts." KANI: Which were replaced by Nabiki by two huge steel bear traps. Ranma kneaded her breasts for a few moments. Even through the bra he could feel her nipples get hard. He was about to reach around her back to undo her bra when he noticed that the clasp was in the front. "Aren't these things supposed to attach in the back?" he asked. "I'm impatient." Ranko replied. "Men are too clumsy to get a normal bra off." FLIP: (Stuggling to make a riff) don’t i know it... Ranma was about to protest her derogatory remark, but decided against it. He unsnapped her bra and let the two halves fall away from her body. He returned to fondling her breasts, this time without interference. Apparently his hands weren't enough, though, because Ranko grabbed the back of his head and forced it down to her breasts. Taking her not so subtle hint, Ranma captured one of her nipples in his mouth and began sucking on it. He was rewarded with a soft moan from Ranko. KANI: I’m sorry. I know I should make a riff here, but I can’t. Ranko sighed. For a first-timer, Ranma was doing very well. Although he was paying a bit too much attention to her breasts while other parts of her body needed work. She gently tugged on his pigtail until his head was level with hers and gave him a passionate kiss. She grabbed his hand and guided it into her panties. MAD: Pressing the big red button that was hidden there, detonating the twenty pounds of C4 and blowing the s*** out of Ranko. Ranma knew what she wanted. After all, he had done the same thing to himself earlier that day. He ran his fingers over her mound until he felt her clit emerge. Taking care not to be too rough, he started rubbing her clit in little circles. Ranko started moaning louder and gyrating her hips. The motion caused Ranma's hand to slip and a finger plunged into her pussy. Hearing the startled gasp from Ranko, he started to withdraw his hand. But she placed her hand over his before he could remove it completely. FLIP: I’m never going to enjoy sex again. "Don't stop." Ranko told him. "That feels good." She started pumping his finger in and out of her, establishing a rhythm that he soon picked up. Ranma kept thrusting his fingers into Ranko until he saw her body tense and then start to spasm as she came. She threw her arms around him and writhed against his body for a few moments as the orgasm ran it's course. MAXIC: Uh, err, he just gave his sister a hand job...I think I’ll faint now.(Faints in the couch) "You did good, Ranma." Ranko said as she caught her breath. She removed his hand from her panties and held it in front of his face. "Aren't you going to taste the fruit of you're labors?" KANI: Fruit of the Loom? Ranma eyed the glistening digits for a few moments, then touched his tongue to his fingertips. The smile on his face told Ranko that he definitely considered it a good taste. He was about to lower his head to the source of the juices when Ranko grabbed his chin and kept his head from moving. MAD: Umm, err, bob and weave, bob and weave. KANI: What? Is that supposed to be a riff? MAD: Uhh, I guess. I’m having trouble thinking clearly right now. "We'll get to that some other time." Ranko said as she pulled off her panties. Then she grabbed his manhood, which has regained it's hardness. "Right now I want this inside me." She brought her hands up and traced the muscles on his chest. MAD: I’m having trouble thinking right now. Ranma was about to grab her breasts when she shoved him back with strength he didn't know she possessed. He fell back and landed on the bed. "Ranko!" he yelled. FLIP: (Ranma, weakly) ...get off me? "Sorry. I got carried away." She climbed on top of him and positioned herself over his erection. For a second she was tempted to guide his cock into her ass, but she decided to stick to the basics. She grasped his hard-on by the base and slowly slid it into her sex. KANI: How about if I guide a stick of dynamite into your ass you fictional nymphomaniacle inbreeding bitch? "Oh God..." Ranma moaned as he felt himself enter Ranko. He had a moment to enjoy just being inside of her before she started rocking back and forth on top of him. He could feel his cock rubbing against the inner walls of her sex. He started thrusting his hips up in time with Ranko's movements. MAXIC:(coming to) What...what’s happening? Is it over? (looks at screen) Aww, crap!...what the hell going on, drilling for oil? Ranko's breath sped up as she enjoyed the feeling of a man penetrating her. The constant pistoning of his erection inside of her had her close to orgasm, but it wasn't enough to send her over the edge. She grabbed Ranma hands which had been resting on her hips and guided them to her breasts. MAD: Luckily, Ranma was there to push her off the edge of the canyon. Ranma fondled her breasts for a few minutes as he continued to thrust up into her. Soon he got to the point where he couldn't hold back any longer. He squeezed her tits hard when he came, but she didn't seem to mind because a second later she came as well. After her body stopped shaking, she slid off of him and laid beside him on the bed. MAXIC: Just in time to see the asteroid come crashing through the window, smashing into the bed and killing both of them. "I take it that you enjoyed that." Ranko said, noting the dazed expression on Ranma's face. MAD: I don’t think I’ll ever enjoy sex again. "That was amazing." Ranma replied. KANI: It’s amazing how dirty I feel. "It was nice." Ranko said. "Now, tomorrow night, that will be amazing." FLIP: (Ranko) It’s amazing how many people will be waiting to gang beat us tomorrow. MAXIC: (Stephen Tyler-singing) It’s...amaaaazing... "Tomorrow?" Ranma asked. MAD: (Leslie Neilson) It’s the day that comes after today. But that doesn’t matter now. "I want it to be a surprise." Ranko answered she flipped the light switch by the bed. She rested her head against his chest and he wrapped his arms around her. Soon they were fast asleep. MAD: Aww, ain’t they cute... FLIP: DIE SICK SEX FREAK BITCH! DIE A HORRIBLE TORTUROUS DEATH! AND THEN DIE AGAIN! (Flip Side jumps up from her recliner and tries to attack the TV while Kani and Mad try to grab her arms. Max runs into the kitchen.) (The Flip Side ends up on the floor a few feet from the television, Kani pinning her arms to her side while Mad Cow is on top of her legs.) VOICE: Did you enjoy that? FLIP: Destroy! Destroy! MAXIC: (returning from the kitchen with a glass of water.) Wow. Flip Side is channeling Kefka. FLIP: Where, where am I? Mad, what are you doing on my legs? MAD: What am I doing? You’re the one who was screaming death to the TV! KANI: Are you alright Flip? FLIP: Yeah, I think so. You can get off me now Mad. (Kani releases Flip while Mad gets up and sits down on the sofa.) VOICE: As I asked, did you enjoy that? MAXIC: Here Flip, drink this. (gives water to Flip Side). Yeah, junior scientists, Flip enjoyed that so much she decided to crush your TV. VOICE: Any damages caused will be paid for by the guilty party. MAD: Well next time warn us before you play something like that! VOICE: We can’t. Any advance knowledge will cause the test to not be completely objectionable. KANI: "Objectionable"? Have you even seen that thing? VOICE: Prior viewing by staff members is required before testing begins. MAXIC: Betcha they let some poor janitor or intern watch the damn things before they send ‘em to us. FLIP: Can we leave now? VOICE: Yes. Please be on time next session. KANI: Whatever. Flip, you need a ride anywhere? VOICE: I’m sorry, you must leave one at a time. KANI: Kiss my ass. FLIP: No, I’m fine Kani. Thanks. KANI: Alright. Bye everyone. (leaves) MAXIC: (getting jacket) Bye Mad. Bye Flip. (leaves) "So just how easy was that?" "Very funny" Jessica "Kani" Banton said. "Just how the hell did you know what they were giving us?" "I listen to what the docs say around here." the secretary said. "I don’t believe you." Jessica replied. "Oh, why not?" Jessica leaned a little closer to the brunette behind the desk. "Because the amount of secrecy the shrinks seem to treat these experiments with. We have to arrive one at a time. Leave one at a time. We can’t use real names. No addresses. They won’t tell us what we are watching until we actually sit down. And you want me to believe that you just casually pick up the info by sitting here and looking bored? No way." The secretary looked startled. " I don’t know what you mean. I just sit here, answer phones, and sort out mail. Every once in a while I hear two people in white coats saying stuff. It does happen." Jessica stood up. "I don’t know, it sounds a little too easy." "How am I supposed to know how easy it is. That’s just what happens." the secretary replied. "Fine. Whatever." Jessica turned and began to walk away. "Oh, Kani." Jessica turned at the use of her testing name. "Try to relax. You’re getting paranoid, hon." ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ All cursed magical incestual he/she twins, please get help. Seriously. Any one else, send your junk mail to drnelson@ucdavis.edu. "I need to have sex on a regular basis or I'll die."