Not Ranma 1/2 volume 1 part 3: by Andy Wennersten MST: by Dan Nelson Oh man, I can't believe I'm trying this thing. I don't watch Ranma. I'm a gamer, not an anime fan. Still, this thing needs to riffed. Actually it needs to be the target of a world wide virus hunt to destroy all copies, and any hard copies need to be burned. But, this is the next best thing, I guess. Legal: All Ramna 1/2 characters by Rumiko Takahashi, and I'm sure she wouldn't want them disgraced like this. Ranko by Andy Wennersten, and he is more then welcome to her. The MSTiers are my own. Write in and try to help me regain my sanity at drnelson@ucdavis.edu <><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><<<><><><><><><>><><><><><><> "Hello" Rob Manul fairly sang to the waiting secretary. "What are you so happy about?" she answered. "Oh, life, the sun's shining, it's just a good day." Rob answered. "Uh, huh. Wait." Rob asked, "What do you mean by that?" "Just get in there, sunshine boy." the secretary said curtly. MADCOW:(walks in) Hi guys. FLIPSIDE: Hi Mad. MAXIC: Hey Mad. MAD: So are we waiting for Shaw, or is Kani around. MAXIC: Kani's in the kitchen. MAD: So, it's the four of us battling obscure and silly fanfics again. Cool. (calls out loudly) Hi Kani. (sits in left Lay-Z-Boy) KANI:(from kitchen) Mad? How're you doing. Gimme a sec. FLIP: You seem in a good mood. MAD: I am. It was weird, though. The secretary said that I might not be later. MAXIC: Ol' Valium Vivian? FLIP: It that her name? MAXIC: Beats me. KANI: (enters main room with a sandwich and sits in couch) Ready Voice. VOICE: Begin Experiment. FLIP: Begin paying us. Ranma 1/2 created by Rumiko Takahashi and owned by whoever she sold it to. KANI: Ranma 1/2? MAXIC: I've seen that. It's an anime about a guy who turns into a girl whenever he gets cold water splashed on him, and he needs hot water to turn back. MAD: Weird. Warning: This is a lemon fanfic. That is to say, it contains sexual situations. If this offends you, or if you're not a legal adult in your area, then don't read this. If you do, I'm not responsible. FLIP: Oh, s***. KANI: What? He's writing a porn story featuring cartoon characters? What kind of sick freak is this? MAXIC: This could get really bad, really fast. MAD:(muttering) Damn you Valium Vivian...damn you Valium Vivian... Not Ranma 1/2 volume 1 part 3 FLIP: Part three. That means we missed some parts. KANI: Thank God for small miracles. Three Nights MAD: Of Sex! FLIP: Please Mad, cartoon characters doing it is bad enough. MAXIC: I don't think that's all we have to worry about. by Andy Wennersten FLIP: By some guy who wants to have sex with cartoons. "Nabiki, I don't have any money, so there's no use staying in there so long." KANI:(Nabiki) OK, but if you don't pay Bruno will come looking for you. MAD: Nabiki? MAXIC: Nabiki, Kasumi, and Akane are sisters where Ranma is staying. Ranma is engaged to Akane. FLIP: Engaged? Isn't that kinda lesbian-ish? MAXIC: Yes, actually that's where a lot of the show's humor comes from. "You're assuming that I'm in here only for the money. MAD:(Nabiki) OK, you're right, I'm here for the money. Besides, I enjoy a nice hot bath as much as the next girl." Ranko came upstairs to see Akane standing outside the bathroom with an unhappy face. KANI: Ranko? MAXIC: Beats me. Andy must have stuck him in. "Problem?" she asked. FLIP: (Akane) Nabiki is in there pimping herself! "Well, I had planned on taking a bath sometime today, but Nabiki is being stubborn." Akane answered. MAD: (Nabiki) One hundred for normal sex, Not a blow job! "Allow me." Ranko said and knocked on the door. "Nabiki, love. It's me, Your goddess of desire." FLIP: I don't think Ranko is a guy. MAXIC: Uh, what? KANI: Hmmm, Ranko is either joking, or she and Nabiki are lesbian lovers MAXIC: I thought Nabiki was straight. "Goddess of desire?" Akane asked. MAD: Tia Carrera? "I think it's cute." Ranko replied. KANI: Aww, teletubbies. "Not as cute as she is, though." Nabiki said as she opened the door. MAXIC: Hey, Teletubbies are at least as cute as she is. Akane was about to enter the bathroom when Ranko stepped inside and started to close the door behind her. "Hey! What about me?" she yelled. FLIP: Sorry, only lesbians allowed. "I don't know. Ranko, do you think we should let her?" Nabiki asked. KANI: Nabiki! You're so kinky. "I suppose we could let her watch." Ranko said with a grin. "We could give her a demonstration of some of the things she's been asking about all week." KANI: Uh, I was only kidding. MAXIC: Damnit, no way. Akane is not a lesbian. Akane blushed. It was true that she and Ranko had had several frank discussions about sex. She was almost tempted to say yes. "Um...no, that's okay." MAD: Hmm, Andy is writing every one to be lesbians in here. "Here." Ranko said and handed Akane some money from her pocket. "We may be a while, so go use the public baths." "Okay." Akane said. "Um...have fun, I guess." FLIP: (Nabiki) Oh, don't worry about *that *. "You know we will." Nabiki said and closed the door. MAD:(Nabiki) We're going to play Monopoly! After they were sure Akane was gone, Ranko and Nabiki broke out in laughter. MAXIC: (Ranko) I love The Cosby Show! "Did you see the look on her face when I said she could watch?" Ranko asked. FLIP:(Nabiki) Well, who wants to watch "Showgirls"? "Yeah. You could tell that she was seriously considering taking us up on the offer." Nabiki replied. KANI:(Akane) Ten bucks for a CD *is * a good deal. "I could almost hear one half of her brain saying 'There's no way I'm going to watch my sister and her lover put on a sex show.' and the other half saying 'Watch? I plan on participating.'" Ranko said. MAXIC: Akane and Nabiki together!? KANI: I draw the line at incest FLIP: Why do I have a bad feeling about this? "Probably the thought of Ranma finding out was the only thing holding her back." Nabiki said. MAD: No, that was her morals. "Speaking of Ranma, have you thought it over yet?" Ranko asked. "Yes, and you have my blessings." Nabiki replied. "Kasumi on the other hand..." FLIP: What? MAXIC: Beats me. They must be talking about something in part 2 "Kasumi's too old fashioned." Ranko said. "Besides, I'm just doing what she asked." KANI: (Ranko) Stupid Kasumi, she can clean the cat's box herself. "You know that's not what she had in mind." Nabiki said. "True, but if I'm going to help Ranma, it's going to be my way." "Well, since we're here, we might as well get you cleaned up." Nabiki said and helped Ranko undress. Then she pulled off the towel she was wearing so they were both naked. MAD: They were out back playing mud soccer. MAXIC: Soccer...soccer...(Wham). FLIP: Ahem, it's *Striker *, Maxi, not *soccer *. MAXIC: Damn. Ranko placed a bucket under the faucet and was about to fill it with cold water when Nabiki grabbed her hand. "What?" she asked. "Let me." Nabiki said and filled the bucket with warm water. She took the bucket and dumped it over Ranko's head. "So that's the way you want to be." Ranko said, noticing that Nabiki didn't change her into a man. She reached for the soap when Nabiki grabbed her hand again. KANI: Explanation Maxi. MAXIC: Cold water turns the person into their opposite form, while hot returns them to their true form. So Ranko really is a girl. FLIP: Which means Nabiki is a lesbian and bi. This is going to get confusing. "I said, let me." Nabiki said. She grabbed the soap and started working up a lather on Ranko's body, paying special attention to her breasts and between her legs. MAXIC: Sex scene. MAD: Want to hit the fast forward? KANI: Besides my objection that it's cartoon characters, I have no problem with sex. FLIP: Let's skip it if it gets too graphic. Ranko moaned and raised her hands to return the caresses she was receiving. Nabiki grabbed her hands and forced them back to her sides. Ranko gave her a questioning look. MAD: Nabiki then dodged the question marks flying off Ranko's face. "I already washed off." Nabiki stated simply. She took another bucket of warm water and rinsed Ranko off. She then led the girl to the furo and climbed in after her, lying back against Ranko. KANI: Forcing the girl into the waiting point of a katana. FLIP: Ouch. KANI: Sorry, just had to say something dark. MAXIC: Careful, they may get other ideas for a katana. "Mmm, that feels good." Ranko said, although whether she was referring to the hot water or her breasts pressed against Nabiki's back was unknown. It wasn't long before her hands ended up in Nabiki's lap, but once again her hands were forced away. MAD: By the intense magnetic fields being produced by Nabiki. "I knew it. You couldn't even last five minutes." Nabiki said. "No self control what so ever." FLIP: (Ranko) Sorry, had too many chili dogs yesterday. "What do you expect, with a hot body like yours around." Ranko replied. "But, if you don't want to." KANI: (Nabiki) Oh My God I'm on fire! MAXIC: (Ranko) You *sure * are. KANI:(Nabiki) No you idiot I'm on Fire! "What I want is you sitting up on the edge of the tub with my head between you're legs." Nabiki said. FLIP: Ranko isn't feeling too well "I like the way you think." Ranko said as she sat on the edge of the furo and spread her legs. MAXIC: Perverted and obsessed with sex. Nabiki reached out and spread Ranko's pussy lips apart. "Looks like I missed a spot." KANI: I think all guys miss *that * spot. "I don't see any washcloths around." Ranko said innocently. "I guess you'll have to use something else." Nabiki smiled and started lapping up Ranko's juices. Ranko's moans of pleasure told her she was doing a good job. MAD: Captain, she's sprung a leak! Both of them were too caught up in the moment to notice someone knocking on the door. FLIP: Hello, am I about to walk into a very awkward moment? "I wonder why Akane went to the public baths?" Ranma-chan asked herself as she entered the changing room. She assumed that she was alone in the house. Akane just left, Kasumi went shopping, and Soun and Genma were dragged off by a group of women complaining that their underwear was stolen. She didn't know where Nabiki and Ranko were, but if neither of them were taking a bath, then they must be off somewhere together. MAXIC: (singing) Let me take you...on a magic carpet ride. Nabiki and Ranko. Ranma paused in her undressing as the thought entered her mind. Those two seemed to become friends awfully quick. Ranma knew she should be worried, but for who? Sure, Nabiki was obviously working on some scam to extort money from Ranko, but Ranma thought that maybe Nabiki was getting in over her head. Of course Ranma cared for her sister deeply, but Ranko's violent mood swings scared her. MAD: (Ranma) Stand back, She's going to blow! FLIP: Bad, bad choice of words Mad. One minute you'd be entranced by her tomboyish charm, the next minute she'd have a dagger to your throat and you'd be praying for a painless death. KANI: Reading this fanfic certainly doesn't qualify. Ranma turned to the mirror and reflexively jumped. Being cursed to turn into a girl was bad enough without having to look like her sister too. She decided that it was time she changed back to a guy and opened the inner door the bathroom. MAXIC: And walked into a situation only Stevie Wonder could have missed. Ranko was facing the door, but since she was in the middle of an orgasm, she wouldn't have noticed if the Almighty himself walked in. MAD:(God) What the Hell are you two doing? And Nabiki couldn't see anything because she was busy causing said orgasm. KANI: (Nabiki) Phht...fpphtt. Ranma was paralyzed by what she saw. Nabiki and Ranko were... They were... To be honest, she wasn't exactly sure what they were doing, MAD: Licking the clam? KANI: Kneading the dough? MAXIC: Enjoying oral hygiene? FLIP: Sick. but the look on Ranko's face told her that she was enjoying it. KANI: (Ranko) Oh yeah, oh yeah, yes go there, Yes YES, GOD I Love Bob Sagat! Once she got control of her legs, MAXIC: That were about to join Ranko and Nabiki. Ranma stumbled out of the bathroom and finally ended up in her room. "That was great." Ranko said as her orgasm subsided. "Well, it wasn't free. Now it's you're turn." Nabiki said with a grin that was both attractive and obscene, considering to layer of cum on her face. FLIP: That was beginning to harden. MAD: Here at the Nabiki Palentolgic Society, we study Nabikis preserved in... "Or my turn, depending on your point of view." KANI: I don't see how they could see anything down there. "Uh, oh." Ranko said. MAXIC: (Ranko) It's our Parents! "What?" Nabiki asked and directed her gaze to where Ranko was looking. Both the inner and outer doors to the bathroom were wide open. "Someone was watching us." Ranko replied. KANI: Actually, four people were forced to watch you. "'Someone'? Come on, Ranko, baby. You know who it was." Nabiki said. FLIP: It was Candied Camera! "You don't seem worried." Ranko said. MAXIC:(Nabiki) About Y2K? Well, I think if it will only affect dates, power companies might not be affected and... "Are you kidding? This couldn't have worked better if we planned it." MAD: (Nabiki) Wait, I did plan it. Oh well "Well, you know him better than I do." Ranko said. KANI: (Nabiki) I know him *a lot * better then you. "That I do." Nabiki replied. "He's probably in his room right now wondering what in the hell he just saw." FLIP: He saw two cartoons being written to have sex by a repressed guy who probably hasn't had a date since 1985. "What in the hell did I just see?" Ranma asked herself when she caught her breath. Stupid question, really. She'd seen enough of Hiroshi and Daisuke's dirty magazines to know that they were having sex. Were they lesbians? MAD: Well, let's see. Yup, two girls tongue bathing each other would probably be considered lesbians. The whole concept of lesbians confused Ranma. She couldn't understand how a girl could enjoy having another girl lick her crotch. She didn't even understand how a girl could get aroused by looking at naked girls. MAXIC: Girls, mind giving Ranma an answer? KANI: Personally, I prefer guys. FLIP: I'm hetro. Of course that isn't to say that she didn't get aroused by naked girls, but she was really a guy. Ranma felt her pussy start to get wet. All this thinking about sex was starting to get to her. "Great. Now I really need to change back." she said and headed for the door. She froze. How was she going to change back? She couldn't go back to the bathroom. Nabiki and Ranko were probably still in there, and she didn't want to see that again. MAXIC: (Ranma) Yuck! Two beautiful girls having fun with each other! KANI: Max, what if one was your sister and you got aroused? MAXIC and MAD: (shudder) She could go the kitchen, but unfortunately her only clean set of clothes were still in the bathroom. While she had no problem going topless, she was currently topless and bottomless, and that could be a big problem once she changed back. FLIP: So females just walk around naked? MAXIC: It is Japan. Ranma groaned as she felt something wet trickle down her thigh. KANI: Captain, She's sprung a leak! MAXIC: Did that already Kani. KANI: Shut up Max. She couldn't exactly go on like this. If she was a guy she'd just jack off and be done with it. FLIP: By heading to an auto shop and getting his tires rotated. Problem solved. But she couldn't do that as a girl. Why not, Ranma thought. She had masturbated once before. But that was after she had been Cat Tongued FLIP: I *really* draw the line at beasteality. MAD: I think we all agree with you there Flip. and before she found out about the Phoenix pill. She thought she was going to be a girl for the rest of her life. MAXIC:(Ranma) Whew, I really hated shaving my legs. "Well, I can't exactly change back now, can I?" Ranma said as she sat down on the floor and spread her legs, her decision made. MAXIC: Sex scene. FLIP: Ditto like last time. She started to gently caress her mound, MAD: Not realizing it was really a fire ant mound. softly moaning as she began to get even more aroused. She brought one hand up to squeeze her breast, flicking the nipple with her forefinger until it got hard. Ranma always got upset when someone grabbed her breasts, mainly because it felt so good. Now that she was producing those sensations herself, it felt even better. It wasn't long before her clit emerged from beneath it's hood. FLIP: Ok, that's enough. Maxi, fast forward. MAXIC: Done. KANI: Hey Flip, you ever see "Boyz 'N the Hood"? *tap, tap, tap* MAD: Tapping at my chamber door Ranma turned to the window to see what was making the noise. "You know, for someone who says he hates being a girl, you seem to be taking advantage of the situation." Ranko said as she floated outside the window. MAXIC: Ranko then remembered the law of gravity and fell to her death. "Aaah!" Ranma screamed and ran to the door, finding Nabiki on the other side. "Bravo! Bravo!" Nabiki said while clapping. "What a performance!" ALL:(bored) Encore, encore. This was too much for Ranma. She fainted. "You think maybe we over did it?" Ranko asked as Nabiki let her in the room. "If you ask me, the peeping tom got what he deserved." Nabiki replied. FLIP: Um, you two were the ones orgasing in the bathroom. A little while later Ranma woke to find herself dressed in her muscle-tee and boxers. "It was all a bad dream." She said, sounding relieved. KANI: Much like this fanfic will be tonight. "So the pervert is awake." MAD: Marv Albert is there? Ranma turned around to see Ranko and Nabiki sitting behind her. As usual she spoke without thinking. MAXIC:(Ranma) Good ran Monday true blah. "Hey! What I do in my own room is none of your business!" FLIP: (Ranma) Like planing my assassination of Henry Hyde. "Actually, I was referring to you spying on us." Nabiki replied. "But now that you mention it, have you played with yourself as a girl before?" KANI: (Ranma) Are you kidding? All the time. I won at solitaire just yesterday. "No, never." Ranma answered. Then she noticed that Ranko was staring at her. MAD:(Bill Clinton) I never smoked marijuana . MAXIC:(Bill Clinton) I never dodged the draft. FLIP: (Bill Clinton) I never had sex with Monica Lewinsky. KANI:(Bill Clinton) Well... "He's lying." Ranko said with a grin. "I'd say it's his second time." KANI:(Bill Clinton) No I'm not! "How did you know that?" Ranma asked, and winced as she realized that she just admitted that she was lying. MAD:(Ranko) Because you're enough of an idiot to fall for that. "How did I know that you were lying, or that it was you're second time?" Ranko asked. "Both." "Well, I've had that body for a sixteen years longer than you have." Ranko said. " I know how it reacts when I'm lying." FLIP: (Ranko) My nipples harden, I start breathing heavily...Wait that's sex. "You can do that?" Nabiki asked, an evil grin appearing on her face. MAXIC: All that *and * more, baby! "Don't get your hopes up." Ranko replied. "It doesn't work when he's a guy." MAD: (Ranma) I certainly *hope * it works when I'm a guy. "Oh, well." Nabiki said, her smile shrinking a bit. "It's something, at least." KANI:(Ranma) Hey, it's more then *something *. "Anyway, back to what I was saying." Ranko said, turning back to Ranma. MAD:(Ranko) They're magically delicious! "Since I knew you were lying, then it couldn't have been you're first time. But from watching you I could tell that you weren't very experienced, so I guessed that it was you're second time." "You won't tell anybody, will you?" Ranma asked. "I guess we can't blame you for what you did. After seeing us in action, I'd be surprised if you didn't get horny." Ranko said. FLIP: (Ranko) But next time leave the rhino at the zoo. "I'll keep my mouth shut if you don't tell Dad or Soun what I was doing." MAXIC: (Ranma) You mean getting pussy willowed with Nabiki here? "Of course that doesn't excuse him from peeking at us in the first place." Nabiki broke in. KANI: What the hell do you expect when you have sex in the bathroom and don't lock the door? "I didn't know you were doing THAT!" Ranma yelled. MAD: (Ranma) I didn't know you like the Spice Girls! "Even if we weren't, that's still no excuse." Nabiki replied. FLIP: Actually it is. "I give up." Ranma said. "What do you want?" MAXIC: I don't remember Ranma being this much of a wimp. "You and Ranko are going on a trip for a few days." Nabiki replied. "She needs to explain a few things to you." KANI: About your *other * long lost sister. "When?" Ranma asked. "As soon as you take a bath." Ranko answered. "We'll pack for you." MAD:(Nabiki) Hmm, whip, check. Leather boots, check. Handcuffs... "How long are we gonna be gone?" Ranma asked. FLIP: Nine and a half weeks. "Three nights." Ranko replied. KANI: (Ranko) We're going to stowaway on a ship and get the hell out of this fanfic. "Well, I'll start getting his things together." Nabiki said and left the room. Ranko stayed behind. "Ranma , can I ask you a question?" Ranko said. MAD:(Ranko) Do I have dishpan hands? "Yeah." MAD:(Ranko) You Bastard! Die! "Well, I know that Dad engaged you to Akane, so I was wondering, do you love her?" Ranko asked. KANI: (Ranko) Or is it just the sex? God, I bet Akane would be good in the sack. "I..." MAXIC: (Ranma) ...have to go to the bathroom really bad. "Remember, I know if you're lying." FLIP: Ranko *is*, Kenneth Star. "I...don't know." Ranma replied. MAD:(Bill Clinton) I have no recollection of the incident in question. Ranko's eyes widened in shock. "My god, you really don't know." "You gonna be okay?" KANI: (Ranko) Yeah, Nabiki just needs to wash herself more often. FLIP: Oh, umm, please Kani, no more like that. "Yeah, just got caught off guard." Ranko said. "Well, hurry up and take your bath. I want to have lunch at Ucchan's before they get to busy." MAXIC: (Ranko) If you know what I mean... "You got it!" Ranma said, the mention of food bring her out of the daze that she was in. MAD:(singing) I am...comfortably numb... A little while later Ranma exited the bathroom, having rid himself of his female body for the moment. The bath was nowhere near as relaxing as he thought it would be, mainly because he was still thinking about his sister with Nabiki. He knew there wasn't a chance of getting any explanations out of Nabiki, so he would have to ask Ranko when they left on their trip. "Ready to go?" Ranko asked as she handed Ranma a small backpack. KANI: (Ranko- evilly) To meet your destiny! Ah ha ha! "I guess." Ranma replied. MAD: Judges? ALL: Wrong! At the front door Nabiki stopped them. "Aren't you forgetting something?" she asked. FLIP: (Ranko) My Magic cards! Thanks Nabiki. "I'd never forget you, love." Ranko replied and gave her a passionate kiss. MAXIC: (Ranko) At least until I bang Nicole Kidman. "..." Ranma couldn't respond. The amount of love he saw in that kiss told him that this wasn't some fling. His sister definitely had some explaining to do. FLIP:(Ranko) Ehh, I was bored. Nabiki broke the kiss and noticed that Ranma was staring. "You want one too?" she asked. MAXIC:(Nabiki) Twenty bucks! "Uh...no." Ranma answered, not believing she even asked. "Good. Only Ranko gets freebies." Nabiki said. KANI: (Nabiki) And my pimp. "Bye, Ranko baby." MAD:(Nabiki) Hello Playgirl! "Bye, Nabiki. Tell Dad that we'll be back in a few days." Ranko said as she and Ranma left. A little ways down the road Ranma decided to get some answers. KANI:(Ranma) So, exactly how do you do that? "Ranko, do you mind telling me just what you were doing with Nabiki earlier?" FLIP:(nonchalantly) Oral hygiene. "Making love." Ranko replied bluntly. MAD:(Ranko) Gettin som sweet, sweet lovin. "I know that." Ranma said, trying not to sound like a complete idiot. "I guess what I really want to know is why." KANI: (Ranko) I know, I could do better. But it's been a while. "Because I love her and she loves me." Ranko answered. MAXIC: (Ranko) Did I tell you I'm richer then Bill Gates? "But you're both girls." Ranma said. "Yeah. What's your point?" Ranko asked. MAD:(Ranma) Well, you're both girls! "Girls are supposed to fall in love with guys." Ranma said. FLIP: In Disney movies. "Most girls do. But some choose not to, like Nabiki. And then there are girls like me who can't fall in love with a man." Ranko replied. KANI: Considering every girl so far is a lesbian in this thing... "What do you mean you, can't?" Ranma asked. "I don't know why." Ranko answered. "I guess my brain just isn't set up to fall in love with a man." "So you're a lesbian?" Ranma asked. FLIP:(Ranko) Yup. "No." Ranko answered. FLIP: What!? "Now I'm confused." Ranma said. MAD:(Ranma) Explain general relativity to me again. "You weren't confused before?" Ranko said with a grin. KANI:(Ranma) Well, yeah, but that was just quantum physics. "You just told me that you don't like guys and you only love girls, but you say you're not gay." Ranko said. "You're confusing love with sex." Ranko replied. "I enjoy sex with men. It's just that I wouldn't want to spend the rest of my life with one." MAXIC: You get the feeling some guy left the toilet seat up once with Ranko? "I still don't understand." Ranma said, the confusion clear on his face. "I'll see if I can clear things up later." Ranko said as they approached Ucchan's. "Ran-chan! Red-chan!" Ukyo called out as they entered the restaurant. KANI: Red chin? FLIP: Ohhh, I have to get something to drink. (gets up and goes to kitchen) "Red-chan?" Ranko asked. "You don't like it?" Ukyo asked. "Oh, I like it. It's just that I'm surprised that you're so friendly with someone you've only known a few days." MAD: (Ranko) Of course, I've only known Nabiki for two days. "And why shouldn't I? We're going to be sister's one day." Ukyo said. "Huh?" Ranko said and then remembered the background info that Nabiki gave her on Ranma. "Oh, yeah. You're engaged to Ranma." MAXIC: (Ranko) Damn. Three way? "I wouldn't get too friendly with Red, Miss Kuonji." Yoiko said from behind the grill. "She might take it the wrong way." KANI: Oh god, please not anal sex too. "That reminds me." Ukyo said. "How are things with you and Nabiki?" "How did you know about that?" Ranko asked. "Yoiko told me." Ukyo said. "Okay, Yoiko. Fess up. How did you know me and Nabiki were an item?" MAXIC: (Yoiko) Remember that nooner you snuck off too? "C'mon, Red. It was so obvious from the way you and Miss Tendo were looking at each other the other day." Yoiko replied. "Well, I guess everyone knows now." Ranko said. "Everyone? Who else knows?" Ranma asked. "Let me see. You, Akane..." "Akane knows!?!" Ranma yelled. "Yep. Okay, it's you, Akane, Kasumi, Skuld, Shampoo, maybe Mousse, maybe Cologne, Ukyo, Yoiko, Nabiki obviously. You told Ryoga?" "Not about Miss Tendo. But he does know that you like girls." Yoiko answered. "He said something about perverts running in the family." "This coming from someone who turns into a pig to get into Akane's bed." Ukyo said. MAD: Hey Flip! You're missing the bestiality! "Wait a minute!" Ranma yelled. "How did you find out about that?" "Yoiko told me." Ukyo replied. "What do you mean, he turns into a pig?" Ranko asked. KANI: Ah, that happens to all men around Pamela Anderson. MAXIC: Who cares about Pamela? Give me Selma Hayek! "Apparently he followed Mr. Saotome to China and fell in the spring of drowned pig." Yoiko replied, then noticed Ranko was giggling. "What?" FLIP:(returning from kitchen) Don't ask me, I just came back. "You finally find your long lost brother, then find out that he's not even your species." MAXIC: What! Ryoga is Ranma's brother?! What the hell? Is this Andy writing or is this the story? "At least I don't have a panda for a father and a brother who's my sister." Yoiko replied with a grin. FLIP: (Freud) Soo, vat vould be thee problem "At least my brother doesn't sneak into girls bedrooms in his cursed form." Ranko said with a bigger grin. MAXIC: Oh, Ryoga is Yoiko's brother. Whew. "He says it's not like that." Yoiko said. "He just wants to protect her from Ranma." Yoiko said and then whispered to Ranko. "I didn't bother to tell him that you were a bigger threat." KANI:(Yoiko) Well, a bigger something at least. "So I take it that Akane doesn't know about him being cursed?" Ranko asked. MAD: She somehow misses the small rain cloud that follows him everywhere. "No, and you're not going to tell her, either." Yoiko replied. FLIP: (Yoiko) That Diet Dr. Pepper does taste more like regular Dr. Pepper. "Okay, provided you don't tell Dad or Soun about me and Nabiki." Ranko said. MAXIC:(Ranko) That we were watching professional wrestling. "Deal." Yoiko said. "So what do you want to eat?" KANI:(Ranko) Nabiki. Oh, for lunch. Ranma and Ranko placed their orders and started chatting with Ukyo when Akane walked in. KANI: To a wall. "Hello, Miss Tendo." Yoiko said. MAD:(Yoiko) Care to join us for a lesbian orgy? "Hi." Akane said, then noticed the backpacks on the floor beside Ranma and Ranko. "You two going somewhere?" she asked. FLIP: (Ranma) I'm getting the hell out of this fanfic and back to my original character. "Ranma and I are leaving town for a few days to get to know each other." Ranko replied. MAXIC: (Ranko) To *really* get to know each other. FLIP: Max, I'm warning you. "You planning on telling him about...you know?" KANI:(Ranko) Uh, sorry, I don't know. "Too late." Ranko said with a grin. "Guess who walked in on me and Nabiki this morning?" FLIP:(Akane) Marv Albert? MAD: Marv joke number two. "Ranma!" Akane yelled. MAXIC: (Akane) How dare you enter the unlocked bathroom with out checking to see if any one was having sex inside. "Hey! It's not like I wanted to see that!" Ranma yelled back. "Besides, you probably did the same thing or you wouldn't know about it." KANI:(Akane) Well, they asked me, and *someone* had to hold the camera. "I only saw them kissing, not like you, you pervert." Akane said. MAXIC: (Ranma) Hey! I only saw them kissing, too! FLIP: ... "Would you two please knock off the lovers quarrel?" Ranko demanded. "We are NOT lovers." Akane said. KANI:(Akane) We mearly have sex together. "Well stop it anyway." Ranko said. "You're ruining my meal." MAD:(Ranko) All this talk about sex and everything. "She's bluffing." Yoiko broke in. "Nothing can ruin her appetite. Not with her cast-iron stomach." MAXIC: She had it specially made for her. "I'm not that bad." Ranko replied. KANI: (Ranko) Just ask Nabiki. "What about that time you ate a live mouse?" Yoiko asked. "Eww. That's gross." Ukyo said. FLIP:(Ukyo) No one listens to New Kids On the Block anymore. "Hey! It's not like that!" Ranko yelled. "Brittany dared me." MAD: I think I *would* rather eat a mouse then listen to New Kids. "Miss Diggers is a were-cat." Yoiko said. "To her mice are part of a well balanced breakfast." KANI: OK, this is getting *way * too weird for me. "W-w-were-cat???" Ranma said, turning white as a sheet. MAXIC: They chase were-tweety birds. "What's with him?" Ranko asked. FLIP: His sister is his brother and is having lesbian-hetero sex with his fiancées' sister. MAD: That would screw me up. "Nothing." Akane said. "He's just scared of cats." "You're kidding?" Ranko said. FLIP: (Akane) No, if I was kidding I would have said "A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says: 'Why the long face?'" MAD: (Topper-Ranma) You are serious. "Nope." Akane replied. "Some weird training of you're dad's did it to him." "Well, you can relax, Ranma." Ranko said. "Brit lives in America, so she won't be showing up anytime soon." MAXIC: Unfortunelty, she was caught by the Salem Witch Trials. "Okay." Ranma said, breathing a sigh of relief. "Well, at least that explains how you survived Akane's cooking." MAXIC: Anime cliche: A female character is a horrible cook. KANI: There are anime cliches? MAXIC: Yeah, just things that are always the same no matter what show you watch. KANI: Any others? MAXIC: Yes. A main female character will be perpetually late, usually for school, and a male character, but usually not the main male character will have superhuman, or at least much greater then average strength, even though he is not the best fighter. There are also about thirty Laws of Anime Physics. MAD: Like what? MAXIC: Hmm, the Law of Inherent Combustibility: Anything burns. Anything. Law of Gravitation: when someone becomes airborne gravity is reduced by a factor of four. Oh, my favorite, the Law of Hemoglobin Capacity: the human body contains about twelve gallons of blood. KANI: Twelve gallons? MAXIC: Sometimes more. "What about my cooking!?!" Akane yelled, preparing to deck Ranma. "That reminds me." Ranma said as he dodged the blow. "How come you ain't pounded Ranko yet?" "Why would I?" Akane asked. MAD: She's banging your sister? FLIP: She convinced Nabiki she likes clams? KANI: She was eating out with Nabiki in the bathroom? "Well don't you consider her a and Nabiki perverts, after what they've done?" Ranma asked. MAXIC:(Akane) Nah, just lesbians. "No, because I consider Ranko a friend and she and Nabiki seem to like each other." Akane answered. "Besides, if it'll keep Nabiki out of our hair then..." She froze as she felt the tip of Ranko's dagger pressing against her back. "You weren't about to bad mouth my girlfriend, were you?" Ranko asked in a tone that gave Akane the chills. FLIP: Akane then got off the block of dry ice she was standing on. "Uh...no. Of course not." Akane answered nervously. MAXIC:(Akane) She's just a money loving blackmailer. "Good." Ranko said cheerfully. "Well, Ranma. Let's get going." MAD:(Ranko-evilly) We're off to meet your Destiny! Mwa -ha-ha. KANI:(Ranma)Why do you keep saying that? MAD:(Ranko) Cheesy script? "Don't worry about her, Miss Tendo." Yoiko said after the twins left. "She hasn't killed anyone in months." FLIP:(Ranko) Well, sorry Ranma, but it's time for my bi-annual slaughter-fest of innocent victims. No hard feelings? MAXIC: Heh heh, she said *bi*. FLIP: Shut up Max. "Where are we going, anyway?" Ranma asked Ranko as they got on a bus. MAXIC:(Ranko) To mourn for what Andy did to your character. "To a hotel by the beach." Ranko said. MAD:(Ranko) I'm going to pick up the finest guy *and* girl at the beach. "Um...I know this is a stupid question, but have you been to the beach since you've been cursed?" Ranma asked. FLIP:(Ranko) Are you kidding? I get to have sex two entirely new and different ways! "Don't worry. I packed us the appropriate swim wear." Ranko answered. "It's you're fault I'm cursed, anyway." KANI: (Ranko) Gypsy curses affect the entire family, idiot. "How's it my fault!?!" Ranma shouted. MAXIC: (Ranko) I don't know, it's my time of the month. "When I went to Nyu-che-zu, I was expecting to get laid, MAD:(Ranko) Not laid out. not to be attacked by a hundred angry Amazons." Ranko stated. "They told me that I defeated one of their warriors and was marked for death. I told them I didn't know what they were talking about. Then all hell broke loose." FLIP: From the cage where it was being kept. "What happened?" Ranma asked. KANI: David Lee Roth tried to sing a charity concert. MAD: (Craig Kilborn) Number 4, Who's the blonde lady who ruined Van Halen? MAXIC: (Eddie Van Halen) Uhh, David Lee Roth? "A roc attacked the village." Ranko replied. MAXIC: Rock and Roll Forever, Baybe! "Did someone use a catapult or something?" Ranma asked. "Not a rock, stupid. A roc. You know, the giant bird." Ranko said. FLIP: (Ranko) That was the biggest finger I've ever seen. "Oh." Ranma said. MAXIC: (Ranma) So that's where you find the Paladin Shield. "Anyway, this thing flies in and grabs one of the Amazons." Ranko continued. "I don't know what was worse, her screaming when it grabbed her or the sound she made when it tore her head off." MAD: (Ranko) Have you ever torn velcro off really fast? "Eww..." Ranma said. FLIP: (Ranma) Dan Quail running for president. (shudder) "You're not the one who caught the head." Ranko said. "Well, I'm not one to miss an opportunity, KANI:(Ranko) So I frenched the head. So what. so I tell them that me and Yoiko will kill the bird if they let me go. MAXIC: (Shampoo) But I thought you *liked* the handcuffs Ranko. They agree and I end up getting used as bait for the monster. It grabs me and Yoiko starts flinging boulders at it to get it to drop me. And drop me it did, right into the Nannichaun." "So it was Yoiko's fault you fell, not me." Ranma said. FLIP: (Ranko) Hmm, Yoiko was there with the bubble bath lotion. "Yoiko was trying to save my life." Ranko replied. "But I would have never been in danger if it wasn't for you." "What did I do?" Ranma asked. MAXIC: (Ranko) You were born. And since we are twins, that means I was born too! "Why were the Amazons pissed at me?" Ranko asked "Because they thought you defeated one of their warriors." Ranma said. "And why was Shampoo trying to kill me the other day." KANI:(Ranma) You had the better orgasm? "Because she thought you were me." Ranma said. MAD: Hold on here. Shampoo is engaged to Ranma, why would she want to kill him? Ranko waited a few minutes for Ranma to make the connection. MAXIC:(Ranma) Must...act stupid...for script. "You mean they thought you were me?" Ranma asked. KANI: (Ranma) Alright Andy, I said the line. Where's my paycheck?! "And if you weren't so stupid as to fight an Amazon and let her live, then I would have never had to go after that Roc in the first place." "What did you expect me to do, kill her?" Ranma asked. "Yes." Ranko replied bluntly. "To her there is no greater honor than to die in combat." FLIP: Or win second prize at the Nyu-che-zu Dog Show. "That's still no excuse to kill her." Ranma said. MAD: It is in Texas. "Ranma, don't you know anything about Amazon mating rituals?" Ranko asked with an irritated tone. MAXIC: (Ranko) First you kill your opponent, then you have sex with the corpse. FLIP: Max, please, no more necrophilia. "What's that got to do with anything!" Ranma yelled. KANI: Actually, *that* has to do with a lot of things. "Showing mercy after a battle is a sign of great love." Ranko replied. "According to Amazon law, you proposed to her." MAD:(Ranko) So next time, kill the b****. FLIP: Mad, please, watch your language. MAD: Sorry Flip, this thing is getting to me. "But we were both girls at the time." Ranma said. MAXIC: (Ranko) Yup. Fun, wasn't it? "Same sex marriages aren't uncommon in a female dominated society." Ranko said. "And since you bested her in combat, marrying you would mean abandoning her tribe to be with an outsider." KANI: So Shampoo would hate Ranma because she was an outsider, but wants to marry her, or him, because he, no she beat her and didn't kill her, but, but, aww to hell with it all. "So that's why she gave me the Kiss of Death? Because she thought I was trying to take her away?" Ranma asked. FLIP: (Godfather) So, Ranma, you beat my granddaughter... "Yep." Ranko replied. "Wait a minute." Ranma said. "Isn't she abandoning her tribe to be with an outsider by trying to marry me now?" "No, because you're a guy. Inferior by definition." Ranko answered with a grin. MAXIC: Isn't that the National Organization for Women's slogan? "Hey!" "Don't blame me. In Nyu-che-zu it's a fact of life." KANI: Hmm, so they have old sitcoms starring a short smart-ass actor too. Ranko replied. "Anyway, by defeating her you proved you were worthy and by letting her live you proposed. But if you got married then she'd be the one in charge." FLIP: (Shampoo) You wash the dishes MAD:(Ranma) No, I did it last time. FLIP: (Shampoo) Do it again! MAD:(Ranma) Alright honey. Best three out of five. Right now! "You make it sound like she'd be the husband and I'd be the wife." Ranma said. KANI: I think that's legal in Hawaii. That's it exactly." Ranko replied. Ranma tried to picture himself staying home and taking care of the kids while Shampoo was off at work. He shuttered at the thought. MAXIC: Ranma then set the shutter speed for a longer exposure. KANI: Hey, it's over. FLIP: Finally! VOICE: How did you like you're first x-rated story MAXIC: That wasn't too bad. MAD: Well, I suppose we had to get it over with. FLIP: Wait wait wait. Voice, what do you mean by *first* story? VOICE: End Experiment. KANI: Where's my check? Voice? Voice...Oh well, I'll send you the bill. See ya guys. MAD: By Kani. Think I'll take off too. MAXIC: Say hi to Prozac Patricia for me. FLIP: See ya Max. "Enjoy your movie, hmm, Flip Side?" Amy looked over at the secretary. "You knew they were giving us a porn story, didn't you." The secretary shrugged. "Every one thinks I'm lazy and asleep most of the time. It's amazing what you can pick up." "Fine. What do we have next?" Amy replied. "Ah...I could tell you, but that would ruin the surprise." the secretary could barely manage to say while laughing. "Fine. I'll find out next time." Amy walked out the door into the parking lot followed by the secretary's laughing. <><><><><<><><><><><><><><><><<><><><>><><><><><><><> Send flames, spam, and porn to biteme@rocket_up_your.ass ( Sorry, but that was my first try at a real lemon, so I just needed to blow off some steam. Besides, I already put me email address.) "What in the hell did I just see?"