'Riff it to pieces' Matchmaker MiSTed!
Author:
1. Start at the begining...
(Nuku is upside down against one of the walls of the theater and is doing pushups, her face getting red from being upside down for so long. After she does five more she slowly tips over and stands upright then puts a hand on the wall to steady herself)
Nuku - Ya know, that's kinda cool. Shadow - Yeah, nothing like a rush of blood to your head to get you going.
(Nuku turns to Shadow who is currently sitting on her neatly made bed, trying to fix a part of the printer. Alliel comes in from the kitchen area and puts a plate of chicken salad at Shadow's side then wrinkles her nose as she looks at Nuku.)
Alliel - You stink, go take a shower.
Nuku - Well I was just exercising.
Alliel - Shower. Now.
Nuku - Yes m'am.
Alliel - What was that?
Nuku - I mean 'Yes queen'.
Alliel - That's better.
(Nuku goes off to the shower to get the stink off of her and Alliel makes herself comfortable by Shadow's side. The younger girl puts her head in her hands and giggles as Shadow sticks her tongue out in concentration.)
Alliel - What are you doing now?
Shadow - Fixing the printer, it keeps getting jammed up.
BBV - Have you tried oiling it?
Shadow - I have but it... (She looks up) Why are you being civil?
Alliel - (Looks up) Not that we're complaining.
(The voice chuckles and Shadow and Alliel exchange nervous glances)
Shadow - Mind if I ask you something?
BBV - Of course, go ahead, I'm not totally evil you know.
Shadow - How come these different people keep popping in and out to MST with us?
(Some how everyone knows at this point that the BBV is getting a huge sweatdrop)
BBV - Security breach, they can get in and out but you guys can't.
(Shadow and Alliel exchange incredulous looks and then go back to working on the printer)
BBV - I suppose that I don't mind people joining you from time to time so today I've chosen someone *especially* for you!
Alliel - Really? Who is it?
BBV - You'll find out in about two seconds.
(The girls look around the theater in confusion and two seconds later there is a scream from the bathroom. Nuku zips out, hastily pulling on a shirt as her cargo pants are already on.)
Nuku - There's a pervert in the bathroom!
? - I am not a pervert!
Nuku - I know, I've just been wanting to say that for a while.
(Releena Peacraft of Gundam Wing makes her way from the bathroom to the main theater area, she smooths back her hair and looks around with wide eyes.)
Shadow - (Deadpan) She's MSTing with us?
BBV - That she is!
Alliel - Are we MSTing fluff or something.
BBV - Nope, it's a Ranma 1/2, self insert lemon.
Nuku - (blinks) Please tell me that your joking.
Releena - Why would someone put themselves inside of fruit?
(Everyone else begins to wipe away their sweatdrops as she tries to figure this out)
BBV - You may gather provisions and take your seats poor little mortals.
(Releena suddenly realizes that there is no body for the voice and starts to look around for it.
Nuku and Alliel go to the kitchen and get a vegetable platter and dip as well as a few bottles of Jolt cola. When they come back they push all the beds together and the four rest against the headboards and pillows for comfort.)
Releena - (Giggles) This is kinda like a sleepover.
Shadow - In hell maybe.
Releena - (Shocked) How can you say that, we've got healthy food and a comfortable place to sit and watch someone getting put into fruit... though I still don't know why they'd want to do that.
Alliel - No one is getting put in fruit Releena, this is an erotic fanfic that the author has put his character/self into.
Releena - You mean there will be sex?!
Nuku - Yup.
Releena - Wow. Cool!
(The other three girls turn and look at her in astonishment)
Releena - What? I'm allowed to have fun sometimes aren't I?
(The three blink in unison then look at one another)
Shadow - Is it really possible? Releena has a life?
Nuku - She can't be chasin' Heero all the time.
Releena - Everyone has their hobies.
BBV - If you would prepare youselves please?
The girls - Kay!
Nuku - Oh by the way, I'm Nuku, the girl with the blue hair is Alliel and that's Shadow over there.
Releena - Nice to meet you.
(The BBV rolls it's eyes wherever it is and the girls look up at the screen to read the fic that is being shown. Alliel cuddles in Nuku's lap and Shadow and Releena are on either side of the pink haired girl. As the title Matchmaker rolls up on the screen the girls all start singing Streizand and giggle.)
Shadow - Releena, I didn't know you knew how to MST.
Releena - Is that what this is, just making bizare comments and criticing fanfiction?
Nuku - Basically, occasionally we'll get something decent too.
Releena - I can't wait. You don't think I could stay for a lemon with me and Heero do you?
Alliel - (Shrugs) it's up to the reviewers and the BBV.
I do not own Ranma or any of its characters.
Releena - Missing punctuation.
Alliel - Missing the '1/2'
Shadow - And I'm missing enthusiasm to read this.
Nuku - What a great way to start the day!
This is non profit fiction. I do own Galim He is my creation.
Shadow - (as author) Hell, I -am- Galim.
Releena - Apparently this Galim is a god creature.
Alliel - Arn't all self inserts?
If you would like to use him E- mail me at Galim2000@Aol.com
(The girls all scream and hide their faces)
Shadow - Aol is evil! Evil!
Nuku - Oh look, he's whoreing out his character!
Releena - What is this refered to as? A Mary Sue?
Nuku - Yeah... Lets go all out (evil grin) Lets riff the hell out of him!
(All four girls cheer and the fic has to be paused for a moment till they calm down)
Outside Furinken high school a shadowy figure stood under the shade of a tree. His name was Galim and he had no last name.
Shadow - (As Galim) Cher better watch her back! (Snaps her fingers)
All he did was stand there under the tree but he constantly kept looking towards the sun to see what time it was.
Releena - Having analog imprinted into the sun is a bit annoying on the eyes since you can go -blind- from it but, hey, whatever works.
Shadow - (applauds Releena) I like this chick!
"What time does he get out of school?" Galim said to himself. His voice was deep; he had long black hair that reached to his belt.
Nuku - We've got the second sign of self insert, description on the hair is the first things writters go for for some reason.
He was about seven and a half feet tall and He resembled
Alliel - A character straight out of CLAMP!
Shadow - Like that would ever happen.
Releena - Well he does have long hair.
Nuku - True but CLAMP guys arn't known for being muscular which you'd pretty much have to be in Ranma 1/2.
Ashram from the TV series of Lodoss War.
(The girls exchange glances and shrug)
He also was equipped with a broad sword on his back,
Releena - Gee, that's really inconspicuous in a public area.
which was concealed by a black cape.
Shadow - And that wouldn't make him stick out either.
Nuku - Unless he was in CLAMP.
Underneath his shoulder pad he had hidden six throwing needles easily accessible to his right arm.
Alliel - He's gotta be really flexible to pull that off.
To top it all off he had two sickle blades strapped
Nuku - ...To his ass.
to the sides of his legs and two hunting knives in his boots, which were training boot and were extremely heavy.
Shadow - Third sign of self insert, describing the character before -anything- else is written.
Nuku - And aside from weapon description we have no idea what he looks like, he could be naked for all we know. And saying he looks like a certain character isn't really helping either.
Just then the bell rang.
Shadow - And the dogs raced out onto the track!
Alliel - Cry Havoc and let loose the dogs of war... no offense Releena.
Releena - (shrugs) None taken.
"It's about time." Galim muttered as he stepped out in front of the school. A large crowd soon rushed out but stopped when they saw him.
Shadow - (As male student) It's a guy who's going after Akane... kill him!
Alliel - (laughs) Sadly that sounds a lot like what a Furinkan guy would do.
Three girls talked to each other with their eyes glued on him.
Nuku - You know they can get unstuck by using nail polish remover.
Releena - But wouldn't it hurt?
Nuku - (Shrugs) It would but I think it would be amusing, I'd love to see it in a parody self insert some time. (pauses then jots it down in her to do list)
"That guy is so cute." One said. "I don't think you call someone that large cute."
Releena - (innocently) Is that Two speaking?
"Look at all those weapons, do you think he is a martial artist?"
Nuku - I guess he didn't hide his sword well enough.
"Could be; he looks about 21." Galim stood motionless with his eyes shut. He was concentrating looking for Ranma.
Shadow - Eh?
Alliel - (dryly) He has his eyes shut and is looking for Ranma. Right.
Releena - Lets do the time warp again shall we?
The suddenly, "Wait Ranma, how dare you!"
Shadow - How odd that this stuff is popping out of the blue.
Releena - More missing punctuation.
Alliel - Why is it that the authors can't manuever their fingers over to the enter key?!
A loud girl broke his concentration.
Alliel - And it would never be fixed.
All - (snap their fingers) Damn.
He opened his eyes and saw Ranma Running straight at him but Ranma was looking back towards the girl laughing.
Nuku - I'd say something on capitalization but I know some authors who never use it so I won't bother and just take what I can get.
Shadow - So who's laughing, Ranma or the girl?
Sense Ranma wasn't looking he soon ran into Galim.
Releena - Yes, but -SINCE- when did we care?
"Hey watch where your go." Ranma became quite when he saw who he was yelling at.
Nuku - Well Ranma's IC I'll give him that.
"Ranma how have you been?" Galim said as he bent over, got Ranma in a bear hug, squeezed.
Shadow - Sentence speak like Yoda it does.
Alliel - shonen ai! It is a CLAMP guy!
Nuku - Don't get your hopes up honey, shonen ai SI's in Ranma is very rare, I've only seen one.
Ranma put his foot on Galim's chest and pushed off. Once he landed he started to run. "Akane, run that guy is a monster!" Akane ran to fallow Ranma
Nuku - She might have more success if she -follows- him instead.
and when she looked back she saw that Galim had an extremely angered look on his face. "Here I was being nice and he has the nerve to call me A MONSTER!"
Releena - And we all known that... (yells) Ranma this is all your fault!
Galim's voice changed from normal to a deeper loader and raspier voice.
(Alliel searches through a bag at the bottom of the bed and then takes out a dictionary and chucks it at the screen enthusiastically)
Galim let out an extreme amount of energy and transformed into fearsome beast.
Shadow - You wouldn't like me when I'm angry...
His ears were like a bats going straight up, he had red glowing eyes, his nose turned into two nostrils, and his muscles increased so much that his shirt completely tore apart.
Nuku - A shirt repellant? Holy crap, he's Gateau!
The best part about him was
(Shadow covers Nuku's mouth before she makes a perverted comment)
his hair stood strait up from his head to the end of his tale, which is only there when he transforms.
Releena - (Galim) Okay, -now- you can call me a monster.
Galim in his transformed state ran after Ranma. As he was about to leave the school grounds Kuno got in his path. "Hold!" Kuno said ready for a fight.
All - HAVE AT THEE!
Galim did not pay any attention to him and trampled him.
Nuku - Not a huge Tatewaki fan I take it?
Kuno got up.
Shadow - He's persistent at least.
"Curs you oger man!"
Alliel - (pauses the fic) 'Curs' is a word to refer to a person you don't like and it's old fashioned. I think the word you're looking for is 'curse'. (Resumes fic)
Kuno then joined the pursuit.
Nuku - I used to have a screensaver kinda like that.
Galim went from a 7 and a half-foot man to a 12-foot beast.
Releena - Like he didn't stick out enough before with all the arsenal.
He soon caught up with Ranma and grabbed him by the pigtail. "I am definitely not the one who started the fight this time!" Ranma turned and began to fight.
Releena - Marvel at the description.
Shadow - So who's speaking? And why are you unable to use the enter key?
Alliel - Hand got a cramp from reading hentai?
Soon Kuno arrived at the scene and joined the fight. Galim had already let go of Ranma's pigtail because he needed two arms to fight two guys.
Nuku - So he had been holding Ranma by the hair trying to beat the crap out of him? Gotta love the honor of it.
Alliel - Well Ranma is the heir to anything goes martial arts.
Akane simply observed the situation before saying anything. "You three cut it out!" Akane screamed. The three froze in mid fight with blank stares.
Shadow - Nice air time!
After a few seconds Galim returned to his human form. "Now we will all go home and settle this like civilized people." Akane said with a smirk. "Yes ma'am!" the three said in unison.
Alliel - (Akane) Or else I break out Mallet-sama!
So explain yourself young man." Tendo said.
Shadow - (Tendo) Admit it, you stole my quotation mark!
"I am what you would call a Berserker, I come from China and Ranma is the only person from Japan I know." "Your accent isn't Chinese though." Tendo noted. "I'm not Chinese, China is were I live but my origin is from America." "That would explain your size." Nabiki said coming from the hall. (She was ease dropping.)
Releena - (pushes the words together) Now will you just get along?
"My, my look at you three smallest to biggest it looks cute." The order they were sitting in was Ranma, Kuno, and then Galim.
Alliel - Any posibilty we can throw this to a beta reader before we do this?
They didn't find her comment amusing. Just then Kasumi walked in
Nuku - ...with a bloody axe in hand. "Dinner is ready." She giggled cheerfully.
Shadow - Who pissed in your cornflakes?
Nuku - Well someone needs to make the occasional dark comment.
with dinner. Right when Galim saw her, his eyes would not leave her.
Releena - An extreem case of static cling.
Akane introduced them, "Kasumi this is Galim he will be staying with us for a while." Kasumi gave
Shadow - ...him the finger.
her usual happy smile, "I'm very pleased to meet you." She extended her hand to him. "Uuuuuuh."
Nuku - (Galim) you've got sticky white stuff on your hands. (herself) I can't believe I just said that...
Alliel - At least you're not looking like poor Galim, doing a fish out of water impression.
Galim couldn't get a word out of his mouth. He was stunned at the site of Kasumi. "Maybe I should show you where you room is. Finally Galim could speak "uh ok." He stood to his feet. "Oh my!" Kasumi now saw how tall he was; about two feet taller than her.
Releena - Should we even bother with punctuation riffs now?
Shadow - Waist of time honey.
Nuku - Galim is like seven and a half feet now right?
Alliel - Something like that.
Nuku - I thought Kasumi was shorter than five foot three.
The two went up the stairs. "So, Akane He has agreed to pay rent?"
Releena - Since when is Tendo Dojo an apartment complex?
Tendo Asked. "Yes he has. Ranma can I talk to you for a second?" "Sure." They left the room leaving Genma, Tendo, and Kuno.
Shadow - I love repitition, repitition.
"Will you leave?"
(The four move to get up and are forced back down telekenetically by the BBV)
Akane and Ranma sat on the back porch speaking. "Did you see the way Galim was looking at Kasumi?" Akane asked with large eyes.
Shadow - (Akane) He looked like he was gonna eat her!
Alliel - Hentai!
Shadow - Not like that!
Ranma sighed "Yeah but I wouldn't think much of it.
Nuku - (Ranma) Galim isn't that much of a canable.
Back in China he gave the same look at every waitress he saw."
Releena - At least he's not getting massive nosebleeds or dancing with skeletons.
"Really, what else did he do?" Ranma gave Akane a look like she was thinking of something perverted. "If you are worried about Kasumi being up there with Galim, don't worry He isn't a pervert he is just.."
Nuku - (Ranma) The author on an ego-trip.
"I saw him Ranma!" Ryoga appeared out of no were like people usually do in this Anime.
Shadow - (Jumps) geez, nice way to give a person a heart attack.
"Oh, Good afternoon Akane." His face turned to a cat like face.
Nuku - (frowns) Since when has Ryouga used a cat face? Releena - Maybe it's Chichiri in disguise?
Akane smiled back at him. "I know Ryoga. Galim is staying at the Dojo for a while." What! Has he done any thing yet?"
Shadow - Well that gives you confidence on his past records...
He looks at Akane with a worried look.
Shadow - I love repitition, repitition.
She giggles. "He isn't interested in me, He is interested in Kasumi."
Releena - Again with the god complex.
Ryoga turned his back to Akane. "Well then there isn't any reason for me to worry. I shall see you tomorrow Akane."
Nuku - (blinks) When the hell did Ryouga start talking like that? And he didn't blush once in that entire sceen.
Ryoga took off.
Alliel - (singing) Faster than a ray of light, he's flying!
Peering out the window was Galim.
Shadow - Where did he come from?
He couldn't help but notice the difference in his attitude towards Akane.
Alliel - So now Galim likes Akane instead of Kasumi?
"Your bed is ready Galim." Kasumi had laid out Galim's bed. "Oh, Thank you Kasumi ahhhh!"
Shadow - (Galim) Kasumi, what is that horse's head doing in the bed?
Alliel - (Kasumi) Decoration?
Galim fell to the ground.
Nuku - (Galim) Whoa! Who put that nonstick frying pan there?
"Oh my Galim do you need some help?" Galim got back up but his Eyes were glowing red.
Releena - (screams) No! Animal sex is bad! (hides)
Shadow - Animal sex?
Releena - (muffled from hiding her face in a pillow) Kuno called him an ogre.
"No, I am just tired from my travels. It is getting harder
Shadow - Hey! Don't talk like that in front of a lady!
to keep myself from transforming into the Berserker.
Alliel - And once that happens, the energon gets to him.
Nuku - You love the obscure stuff don't you?
I just need a bath."
Releena - I thought he didn't need water to transform.
Shadow - He probably wants a hot bath to relax.
Nuku - Relax? In Nerima?
"Oh, well it is only three doors down
All - (singing) I took a walk around the world to ease my troubled mind. I left my body laying somewhere in the sands of time. I watched the world float to the dark side of the moon. I feel there is nothing I can do.
you are free to use it."
Shadow - (Kasumi) But if you want to use the toilet, it's out of the question.
"Thank you." He exited his room and went to the bathroom.
Nuku - Well I'll give the author this, he's not throwing in sporadic Japanese with no translation notes.
He stripped himself of his clothes in the changing room
Releena - (sniffs) I think I smell a lemon.
and was about to enter the bathroom when
Alliel - A rabid dog came out of nowhere and bit him!
the bathroom door flung open.
Releena - Honey, I'm home!
It was Nabiki completely naked.
Alliel - (chanting) Take it off. Take it off.
Nuku - (chanting) Put it on! Put it on!
She was about to let out a scream but Galim covered her mouth with his hand. He supported her by placing his other hand on the back of her neck.
Shadow - (blink) And -why- did Nabiki suddenly loose control of her legs so she can't stand on her own?
"I'm sorry I didn't know you were in here if you promise not to tell any one I'll give you 100,000 Yen."
Nuku - (raises an eyebrown) Does this author know what the equivilant of that is in American?
Shadow - Do you?
Nuku - Yeah, and I really doubt that a young man would have that much.
Nabiki who was wiggling trying to get away turned to her calm self once she heard the amount.
Alliel - Read: her brain switched into shark mode.
"I'll take that as a yes." He let go of her and handed her a towel.
Releena - Well at least he's not a complete jerk if he's trying to cover her up.
He then went to his pants to get the money.
Nuku - (coughs into her hand) Bullshit.
When he turned around he saw Nabiki wasn't covered up. "You are actually going to give me that much?"
Releena - Apparently she knows he's full of shit too.
"Yes" Galim was fully erect at the sight of her. At full he was about 7 ½ inches.
Alliel - (singsong voice) Somebody's compensating.
"I don't want to feel like I'm ripping you off
Shadow - Nabiki? Rip someone off? NEVER!
so I'm going to do you a little favor." Galim set the money on the counter. "What kind of favor?"
Shadow - The kind that'll have you struttin' like a cock afterwards.
Without saying a word she grabbed his penis and stuck it in her mouth.
Nuku - Oh give me a break, Nabiki isn't that slutty.
She sucked so well that
Alliel - It popped right off.
it only took one and a half minutes for him to cum in her mouth.
Nuku - (dryly) The description dazzles the mind.
She gulped it all and continued sucking not allowing his penis to calm down.
Releena - Has this person never been to sex-ed classes? Yo, virgin author there's this thing called the refractory period! Look it up!
As soon as it was completely ready she laid on the ground.
Shadow - Wouldn't it have sufficed to lay on the floor instead of going outside?
Galim knew what she wanted him to do.
Alliel - Because not only is he super strong, good looking and able to make women submit to his might 7 1/2 inch (coughs 'bullshit') cock, he's also a mind reader.
He stuck his penis into her vigina.
Shadow - (sarcasm begins to take over the air supply now) Yea foreplay!
He was
Alliel - Hit by a random enemy of Ranma's and thus left to die the end!
Nuku - I thought I was suppose to do the dark riffs this time around.
surprised he didn't hit any barrier he couldn't help but ponder who she has done this with before.
Releena - But seeing as how he -just- met her and really it's -none- of his business he just continued to boff her.
He grabbed her breast and started to squeeze
Nuku - (Nabiki) Ow, not so hard!
while she moved herself up and down his shaft. Galim was now on the bottom and he couldn't remember how he got there.
Shadow - Neither do we but he's the one screwing Nabiki so he should have a better idea than we do.
She was trying to
Alliel - Remember the last time she was this bored.
be as quiet as possible so they wouldn't get caught.
Nuku - I guess the ninja feet, sneaky feet joke wouldn't fit in here would it.
Releena - You could always alter it a bit.
Shadow - Yeah, but isn't there a certain number of hentai jokes we're allowed to have per MST?
Then she spoke "Your penis is
Alliel - (Nabiki) inside me. Why?
(The other girls about to riff but promptly crack up at Alliel's)
the largest
Nuku - piece of crap I've ever read... no wait it's not... it comes close though.
(The crew all blinks as the theater goes dark.)
Nuku - What's going on?
Alliel - (hugs the nearest person thinking it's Nuku) I dunno but I don't like the dark.
Releena - Umm could you ease up a bit Alliel, I can't breath.
Alliel - (un-glomps herself from Releena then attaches herself to Nuku) Sorry.
BBV - Hold for a moment, we'll resume the MSTing very shortly...