Mystery Lemon Theater 3000 1/2 "Season Two Finale" by Rpgingmaster, an the Lady of Genesis (Go LoG!) Rated NC-17 (for language, sexual situations) %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% This has a NC-17 rating, which means if you are under 18, you're a prude, or just don't like foul words, sexual content, and general perversity, leave now, because I take no resposibilty for your actions if you ignore this disclaimer. Due to having the constitutional rights of freedom to speech, expression and privacy, any action you take against will be regarded as an attack on my rights, and I will seek legal recourse to prohibit such action. And besides, if you are morally offended by my work, than you shouldn't be foolish enough to read it. Sincerely Rpgingmaster ########################################################################### There was an evil writer An evil prick was he, He wrote crappy lemons, And tortured a MST crew you see, They tried to kill him once, But the evil SOB wouldn't die, Will this lemon drive the crew insane, Or are they just gonna cry! (Let us leave, you asshole!) Roll Call! Steiner! (Bastard!) Umi! (You prick!!!) Rose! (Why me...) Irvine! (Lemony!!!!) Reno! (Asshole....) Ferio! (Crap!!!) Ukyo! (Whatever....) Anita! (Shit!!!!) This is the Season Two Finale! Will their sanity be possible to mend? Or will this shitty writing, Send them over the deep end!!!!! (insert evil, insane laughter) *************************************************************************** On the last episode of MLT, Dr.T and Ms.B come back, RM is planning to unleash another crappy lemon, and if they manage to survive the lemon, they are going to experience Ragnarok (the Apocalyspe) a little early. Gee, it really SUCKS to be them, doesn't it. Anyway, without further ado, let's get this over, shall we? **************************************************************************** The S.O.L. is, for once, pretty damned peaceful. Steiner and Ferio are taking turns getting laid at the Pornodeck, Umi and Rose are having a rather X-rated pool party on the Holodeck, and Irvine and Anita have gotten their perverted hands on some Jusenyuko water (gender changing variety) and are now exploring the yuri side of life, and Reno and Ukyo are getting lucky....... Since I'm feeling nice, here's how it's going..... A few minutes ago...... Reno was getting bored playing Halo, so he went to the kitchen to get something to eat. He saw Ukyo, so he asked if she would make him an okonomiyaki and a beer. She did, but if Reno had taken a closer look, he would noticed she was currently wearing nothing but an apron. Anyway, he got his food and ate like it was going out of style, and since he considered his liquor holding skills to be the best in the universe, he swallowed the whole beer in one gulp. He was about to get up then, but he felt two objects press against his back. He slowly turned around on the stool he was sitting on and found that Ukyo's naked breasts (and body) were in his face. Like any sane horny male would quickly deduce, he knew that she was hornier than hell, and she wanted him. He didn't disappoint. In fact, he did more than just please her, because as soon as his face was mashed in the valley of her chest, he started kissing his way up, while expertly groping her on the way up. Meanwhile, she had decided that she was going to have him, and she was going to have him right there, so as he licked the hollow of her throat, she hastily unbuttoned his shirt and pants, and with only a brief pause he shucked both articles of clothing off, leaving himself as naked as the raven haired girl in front of him. Just as he was fully nude, he found her mouth, and they were now rubbing up against each others bodies, french kissing like mad. Eventually, basic human lust kicked their hormones in the ass, and things got a hell of a lot steamier from there. In fact, Reno wound up laying on table, with the horny as hell okonomiyaki chef on top of him, and the motion of their hips made it pretty damned obvious just what the hell they were doing. Just then, Irvine, who is now a stacked blonde, wearing nothing but a robe, enters to get the chocolate syrup, but the minute she saw Reno and Ukyo, she stopped dead in her tracks and her tongue started lolling like a panting dog as the two horndogs are too happy climaxing to care about her voyeurism. Just then, Anita walks in, also clad in a robe, wanders in, wondering just what the hell is taking her fuck buddy so damn long, but her annoyance turns to blind lust as she sees Reno and Ukyo getting it on, and she is standing right next to the now female Irvine and she also joins in on the voyeurism. Suddenly, Reno notices the two, and he's not happy. Reno: DO YOU MIND?!?!?!?!?!?! I'M GETTING LAID, AND I'D LIKE SOME FUCKING PRIVACY!!!!!!! That snapped Anita and Irvine out of their trance, and they quickly procure the syrup and leave......... ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- A lot later (after all of the lemon shit was over........) ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- A couple of hours later, everyone has finished getting laid, and are now pursuing other recreations. Reno and Ukyo are in bathrobes, snuggled up on the couch watching "The Sum of All Fears". Steiner and Ferio are now eating, as usual. Irvine and Anita have taken a break from getting laid, and are currently engaged in game of chess, and Irvine curses in three different languages as Anita says checkmate. Last, but not least, the current yuri couple of Rose and Umi are KO'ed in each others arms, and for once, Rose's room is pretty quiet. Just then, the annoying as hell lemon klaxon blares, and you can guess how pissed off the crew is. They mutter and say more than a few dirty words, including liberal quanties of "fuck", but they trudge toward the theater anyway. When they get there, the notice the lemon screen is already on, and they can see the little bastard RM, still in his demin attire and evil visage, but now they notice he's on what appears to be a starship. In any case, it's ultimately irrelavant as the evil fuck starts talking. RM: Greetings, lab rats. All: Fuck you. RM: Charming.....well, I'll bet you're wondering why I called? Rose: (drily) We wish the suspense would kill us already. RM: (ignores her) I'm going to be coming back soon. It seems that my little experiment to drive you idiots insane just isn't working the way I planned, so I going to....change that. (pauses) Also, it seems that my money supply has just run dry, and the Deep Space Nine staff is more than a little pissed off that I made them all into raging nymphos, so I left while they were deciding the most painful way to castrate me. Dr. T and Ms. B will be sending you the next lemon, and this time, all of you will MST my latest grab out of the shit barrel. Also, I would like you to meet my new bitch...... (A girl in a skin tight black leotard, with raven hair in a ponytail walks onto the screen and sits in RM's lap. If you don't know, I'm talking about Kodachi from Ranma 1/2, who in my opinion, the hottest girl on the entire show, and I don't give a rat's ass about people who want to piss on me for indulging a sick fantasy, because I going to whether anyone, no matter if it's a pervert or a preacher, likes it or not!!!!!!!!) The crew stares wide eyed as RM and Kodachi start doing some really ecchi crap, and just as she rips his shirt off, the screen goes off, much to the chagrin of the perverted and the yuri of the crew. However, they quickly compose themselves as Dr. Tahley Wacker, shitbag extraordinare, appears onscreen, with a somewhat saner Ms. Bra Estes, and apparently a hornier look on life, as evidenced by the poorly hidden hand she has down Dr. T's pants. However, they they pay attention the minute Dr. T starts talking, especially because Dr. T threatiningly gestured that he would take off his pants. Okay, I think I've done enough prolouge crap, on with the dialouge. Dr. T: Hello simpletons! Steiner: (sarcastically) Hello, Richard Cranium! (the crew laughs) Dr. T: (flips them off, then continues) Anyway, I'm back, and my boss just sent the new lemon. All: (monotone) Hooray. Dr. T: Whatever. Just MST the damn thing.....by the way, do you want to know what happened to my assistant? Irvine: What the hell..... Dr. T: After you drove her insane, me and my boss had to get her some brain surgery. While she was having her wires uncrossed, the pleasures center of her brain were put on overload, and now she's a nympho....... (moans as she gives him a handjob) Dr. T: (raggedly) While you MST the lemon....I'll just stay here and get laid.... (The screen fades out, mercifully as his pants hit the ground.....) Steiner: (mad) FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!!!!!!!! Everyone Else: (stares in shock) Steiner: (yells) He gets laid and we have to MST another FUCKING LEMON!!!!!! Everyone Else: (nods in sympathy) Just then, the screen clicks on again, this time revealing Yuber, Pesmerga, and LoG reenacting a scene from the movie "Little Nicky". Believe it or not, Adolf Hitler, in a French maid's outfit, is bent over, and they are shoving all manner of objects up the Nazi bastard's ass, stuff that is a hell of a lot more painful than pineapples. In fact, Yuber and Pesmerga get an evil look in their eyes as they prepare to ram the business ends of their swords in his ass. However, LoG notices the guys, and she teleports Hitler back to hell, much to the chagrin Yuber and Pesmerga, who are screaming "This motherfucking sucks!!!!" in German. Meanwhile, LoG ignores them, and addresses the crew. LoG: Hi guys! All: Hi LoG! LoG: Thanks. I recently read the lemon, and let me tell you two things: First, it's sick as hell...... Umi: Like were surprised. LoG: Second, does anyone in here have a political party they support? Ferio: As far as I know, we're all Republicans. LoG: Then you will hate the author. Steiner: Like I'm surprised..... Reno: Thanks for the info....by the way, we're you just shoving crap up Hitler's ass? LoG: (grins) Yep! Reno: (evily) Have you tried sticking a live cattle prod up his sphincter? LoG: (thoughtfully) Hmm...now that's a good one..... (pauses, then continues) LoG: By the way, have you checked out my new website? Anita: It has more curse words than Eminem lyrics...that's why it kicks ass!!!!! LoG: Thanks! Good luck!!!! (screen fades out) As the image of LoG and crew fades out, the lemon screen comes back on, with the oh so familiar slide show. 6- Dr. Tahley Wacker and Ms. Bra Estes accidently infect themselves with a particulary nasty strain of the Lust Virus.......... (I'll spare you the week long lemon scene......) 5- It's the bridge of the U.S.S. Highland, and all is chaos as Lt. Seed and Culgan get into a bitch fight over the consoles, while Counselor Leon Silverburg tries to stop First Officer Yuber and Captain Luca Blight from blowing up the U.S.S. King Crimson, but the stuck out tongue Captain Pesmerga is giving Yuber proves to be his downfall, as Yuber kicks Leon in the crotch, then releases all the Beast Rune torpedoes at the helmeted jackass.... 4- The counter terrorist team Rainbow (Tom Clancy) surround the Russian bastard Dmitriy Andreyvich Popov, and all simultaneously fire their sniper rifles at him. Seconds later, the world grows very dark for the little SOB, and the last thing he sees or feels is John Clark and Ding Chavez putting the boots to his skull....... 3- Suzuka, Aisha, and Melphina are busting a gut laughing as they watch Gene and Jim disco, and their laughs get louder when the two morons promptly KO themselves on one of the Outlaw Star's very prominent bulkheads. 2- Ranma is getting sixty-nined, courtesy of a very willing Kodachi, and on the bed next to them Nabiki and Kuno are doing the same. 1- The U.P.S. Rapidash makes a pit stop on Mars, and the quartermaster merely flips the bird in Captain Pikachu's direction when he yells, "Get me new sluts, dammit!!!!!!!" *lemon screen on* (The guys will do a chapter, then the girls, and so on....) >Fat Jack and the Case of The Dicky Doc Steiner: Also known as "The Untouchables: The Hentai Edition" >Written by That Evil Bastard Steiner: Shadow? Irvine: Hitler? Ferio: Saddam Hussein? Reno: A pissant fanfic writer who likes writing shitty lemons? >Disclaimer and Warning Irvine: (Author) This is crappily written, but has sex scenes. Thank you. >THIS IS AN ADULT THEMED PARODY OF ORIGINAL CHARACTERS!!! >This story contains sexually explicit material and situations between >consenting adults. If you do not wish to read this type of literature, >or are under the age of 18, or it is illegal in your part of the world, >PLEASE bypass this story for one more suited to you. Steiner: Advice any prude should be smart enough to listen to. IFR: Damn! >All the characters, with the exception of Dr. Lustidick, belong to That >Evil Bastard. Dr. Lustidick belongs to the MST writer Shadow of Ink Blot >Inc. No Copyright infringement is intended. Ferio: (Author) I am also garanteeing that this is complete and utter crap, and that I spared no expense in an attempt to drive the dumb bastard who reads this filth insane....... >This work is copyrighted to the author. Anyone who messes with my >characters, gets hunted down and sodomized by a rabid wolverine. If you >wish to archive this story, please ask permission first. Nine times out of >Ten, I’ll say yes. Please do not remove without the author’s permission >or make any changes to this story. Thank you for your consideration. Irvine: I wish this sicko would shut up about horny wolverines...doesn't he know he's just giving other shitty lemon writers ideas?!?! >------------------------------------------------------------------------ Steiner: If you stare at this empty spot long enough, you will see a spot. >------------------------------------------------------------------------ >Chapter One "Strange Callings" Irvine: Sorta like the time I wanted rewrite the Kama Sutra in Hungarian. >------------------------------------------------------------------------ Steiner: (to the audience) Do you see a spot yet? >------------------------------------------------------------------------ >These were interesting times. >The urge to fuck had actually come back to some of the populace. We all >thought humanity was doomed after they saw it. I thought that diabolical >madman had truly wiped out humanity’s urge to procreate after beaming that >Republican Party orgy picture into everyone’s brains. One thing was for >sure, there was a lot of puke that day. Reno: That probably was a bitch to clean up, too. >It all started, quite innocently enough, in my office at The Fat Jack >Detective Agency. My name is Jason Bartholomew Higgins, but everyone >calls me "Fat Jack" because they think it sounds better for a detective >agency. Actually I’m quite fit and tall, 6ft. 5in. if you must know, with >fairly good looks,red hair, blue eyes, and a boyish face. Oh well, they >always did have a weird sense of humor. It was also called that because >they thought my suggestion of "Higgins' Heroes" sucked royally. Ferio: Well, even I think it stupid to rip off TV shows!!!!! >The "they" I refer to is the rest of my team. Our dispatcher, computer >geek and resident dumbass Roscoe "Chimp Fucker" Ronaldson, a small, goofy >looking fella with big ears and a crooked grin. He was currently asleep >in front of the computer with Quake III running full blast, Larry "FUBAR" Irvine: Okay...let's not go into details on that subject....besides.... I don't wanna be sterile while I'm still 18...... (shudders) >Grigory, our demolitions and munitions expert, looked like he‘d seen the >business end of a meat grinder due to a mishap involving large explosives, >sex and lots of drinking. He was sitting at a table playing cards with >Mary "Big Guns" Harris. Mary is our resident lesbian and can drive >anything that can move a human. She had the face and tits of a hot Porno- >star-looking lesbian, but the rest of her said solid Bull Dyke. Our Recon >guy only goes by the name "Shecky". He’d look like Christopher Lloyd,if >Christopher Lloyd were the type to take too much acid. Steiner: (laughing) Sounds like his team is an X-rated "Police Academy"! >Right now he was propped up against the wall in a trench coat looking out >the windows into the street. The office itself was located on the fourth >floor of a non-descript office building in the administrative section >of town, two blocks away from the Mayor’s office, the little swine. >Basically, we were all sitting around, wondering just where the hell we >were gonna get our next gig. >"Man, it’s been dead all week! I can‘t believe we haven‘t gotten a single >call or anything." Mary complained. Roscoe sat up from the nap he was >taking, blinked, and added, "Yeah, I’m all out of ding-dongs and we read >all the porn in the place and we need cash to get more of each." Irvine: Porn....... (looks dreamy) Steiner: Food....... (looks dreamy) Reno: Beer........ (looks dreamy) Ferio: Sanity...... (looks really dreamy) >Mary scowled at him, "You men, all you can think about is porn and food, >but we do need more cash." Reno: Well....you could always sell your body...... Ferio:...to "Butch Women Monthly"........ >Shecky looked up at this and said "Why don’t we peddle Mary at the >Lillith Fair like we did last year." and ducked as a chair came sailing >by his head. >"Fuck You!! That was only for bus fare back to the city after someone >spent all our vacation money on an Alanis Morriset Blow Up Doll!!!" >Mary’s gaze shot over Larry, who sunk lower into his chair. Irvine: (Larry) I'm sorry...after the accident that brutally butchered everything below my neck, she's the only thing that'll have me....... >"There were nothing but dick haters there, so what the hell was I >supposed to do?" Larry said sheepishly. "Jerk off in the port-a-john >like everybody else?" Ferio: (to Larry) You sound like Irvine. Irvine: I'll take that as a compliment. >"That's what it‘s there for." I said casually. Everyone else nodded in >agreement. >Just when things started getting interesting, a strange asshole in a lab >coat ran in with a manila folder under his arm. "Heh heh, I have them at >last. The world shall fall before me! But first, to watch the packers >game." Steiner: Okay...who thinks it's Dr.L? Reno: Does a duck have a bill? >"It was over 10 minutes ago, they lost... again." Roscoe said. >The lab asshole stamped his foot, "...Damnit!!! Another $100 bucks down >the drain. Damn you Packers!" Suddenly he looked up and saw us for the >first time. "What the hell are you all doing in my lab, and where‘s all >my stuff?!? I am the great Dr. Lustidick! You can‘t" Ferio: (Dr.L) Sue me, because I'll just plead insanity, and the bloody knife and fingerprints won't mean a thing! >"This isn’t your lab, jackass." Mary interrupted. She had taken on an >annoyed countenance (like she was never always like this). >The Dr. looked around and asked "You mean this isn’t 485?" >I jerked a thumb to the right "Three doors down on your left hand side." >I grumbled. >"Ah, onward to glory!! Fucking Packers!!" shouted the weird doc as he >bolted out the door. Irvine: And screamed as the electricity from the door fried his prostate gland..... >Larry frowned, "I’m throwing a grenade at the next non-paying asshole >that walks in." >The others, including myself, seconded the motion. >------------------------------------------------------------------------ Reno: This is a line, which you should be able walk on perfectly if you're sober. Steiner: Not unless you were beaten over the head several times and had your legs broken. Reno: (thinks about it) Damn....you're right..... >It was later that evening when we got the call. It was the mayor. >"I need your services again, Mr. Fat Jack. We have another crisis on our >hands that needs to be resolved... discreetly." Irvine: (FJ) Okay....where do we dump the drugs? >I frowned at the phone in my hand, wanting to reach through and strangle >the bastard. "Oh yeah? What about that last time we helped you with that >Masturbating Avenger case? We haven’t even gotten paid for that, the dry >cleaning bills alone set us back a fortune!!!" Ferio: (getting sick) Please....no details...... >"Oh, uh, alright then, we’ll pay you triple when you finish this one. >How’s that sound?" >"No fucking way, pay now or fuck off!" I was pissed off at this moron, >how gullible did he think I was? But he pushed the final button that made >me accept. "Alright, I’ll pay half now and you all get head from my >mistress, Lorna Spunkmeyer." Suddenly everyone else in the office >was huddling around me, pleading for me to accept, so I did. >Little did I know that this would prove to be the most sickening case I >ever worked on. If I had known what was gonna go down that day, I’d have >simply blown town for the month. This one even topped that terrorist one >with the shit fetish and that mad bomber with the lazy eye who nearly >skull-fucked me. Steiner: (shuddering) After reading that sentence, this writer should probably go to hell...... Irvine: (sighing) And probably us as well......... >------------------------------------------------------------------------ >Chapter Two "The Asshole Mayor" >------------------------------------------------------------------------ >We decided to walk over to the municipal building seeing as how it was >such a nice day, plus the fact that we didn’t have enough cash for >gas helped the decision. Rose: Sorta like having to watch graves being dug for hours will make you a little morbid...... >When we got inside, the secretary was nowhere to be found. A quick >search revealed her location. She was getting fucked by one of the >maintenance men in a storage closet not too far from the front desk. >We all snuck up and peeked through a crack in the door. Her skirt >was hiked up to her waist and her garters and panties were torn off >and thrown on the floor. She was propped up on a small shelf and >was being supported solely by the thrusting of her lover, who’s >name apparently was Manwardo because she was fairly screaming it. Ukyo: (laughing) I would rather be shot that be born with that name! >Manwardo’s pants and shoes were off and he was pumping into her >so hard it seemed that he was trying to strike oil. By the look >on her face it seemed as though he would. Umi: Guys, if you've seen an oil drilling reference in a lemon before, raise your hands. All: (raise hands) >It looked as though they had been going at it for awhile. There >was fluid everywhere below their waists and sweat had drenched >everything else. Anita: I'm usually one for details, but even I'm getting a little grossed out, and I'm a pervert at heart. >"BAM, BAM", that’s what he was actually saying every time he >pushed his meat inside her. This guy was apparently very much >into sound effects. Ukyo: He probably plays with Barbie dolls too. >Roscoe was trying to suppress a giggle every time Manwardo >said BAM and Mary was lusting. "Jesus, that girl is hot!" >she whispered raggedly, and she was right. The girl had >beautifully formed breasts and what we could see of her >crotch looked marvelous as well. Mary was starting to >breath heavily and put her hand down her pants. >"Geez, how long was it since you got laid?" Larry asked. Umi: (Mary, sarcastically) Not since I was a supposed to be a stunt double for Lewinsky........ >"Lillith Fair..." Mary said weakly. >"Aww, poor girl, is there any way I can help?" Shecky >asked lecherously, getting a little too close. Anita: To the fire, which deep fried his scrotal area!!!! Ukyo: (wincing) That's gotta hurt. >Mary gave her answer with a kick to his groin, knocking all the >wind out of him and flooring him. "Can it, dogshit breath, I >like girls, remember?" she hissed. >Larry helped his beleaguered friend up. "Another one bites >the dust, eh, Sheckster?" Rose: (Shecky) My genitalia are offically dead. >"Yeah", Shecky squeaked, "But there’s always a next time." Umi: (snidely) Surrreee.....for another kick to the testicles...... >I was tired of the little tableau and just wanted to get this >meeting with the scumbag over with. "C’mon you clowns,lets >get up there while they’re occupied." >Roscoe looked sulky, "But we’ll miss the money shot!", he whined. >"Shaddap and move it. The faster we do whatever it is that >asshole wants us to do, the sooner we all get hookers. >Plus don’t forget whose up there,the mayor’s mistress, >Lorna Spunkmeyer. She won First place, three years in >a row for the Dick Sucking Contest at the Monica Lewinsky >memorial Fuckfest!" Ukyo: (annoyed) Not only was that more than I needed to know, but the Clinton ragging is getting more than a little old...... >Before I knew it, everyone had dragged me up three flights of stairs and >halfway into the hall where the Mayor’s office was. I shook my hormone >crazy compatriots off and headed towards the office. The Mayor was >sitting at his desk with a huge smile on his face. Lorna’s feet could >be seen sticking out from the bottom of said desk. Anita: I will personally beat the piss out of anyone who can't make a half-assed guess about what she's doing....... >The Mayor was a fat little man with a head of balding brown hair and >looked like the typical politician. His voice quavered a bit here >and there as he talked. "Well my Friends,we meet aggggainnnnn. We >have urgent Business to "oh yeah" discuss. We Received an anonymous >letter frommmmm a man who said that if we didn’t Give him a billion >dollars, he would Make sure that..... no.... one... >wooooouuuulllllldddd...... evvvverrrr...... fuuuuuucccckk >AGGGGAAAAAIIINNN!!!!!" Rose: Since we had listen to your corrupt ass, maybe death isn't such a bad thing........... Umi: But then you wouldn't have me........ Rose: FUCK!!!!!! Umi: Why not? (They do) (The guys stare like horny jackals) (The girls do as well) (I get my face slapped for going off on a tangent) (The MST continues.......) >He yelled that last word, indicating why Ms. Spunkmeyer will win the >contest next year too. Ukyo: Let me guess, each judge is a Clinton clone.....damn, I just did another Clinton rag..... >While the Mayor was yelling, everyone else was gasping at that >declaration. No fucking? Unthinkable! Anita: I'll say!!!!!! >I made myself look like I was considering it all. "Well, it is an >interesting sounding case...", I said, "But, WHERE IS MY FUCKING >MONEY?!?!?" Umi: Let's not even consider that possibility...... (shudders) >The mayor raised an eyebrow and asked, "Is that all you can >think about?" Rose: (FJ) Does wanting to slice your dick off and wanting to shove it down your sorry throat count as a new thought, dickhead? >"Damn straight!" I said back to him, "Now give me the cash you >unscrupulous little turd or I fucking walk!!" >The Mayor looked disgusted and offended , but he knew we were the only >one’s who could finish it off without it getting in the news. "Fine, >the rest will be given upon apprehension of the terrorist." He said >as he handed me a briefcase full of cash,which I quickly opened and >counted. It was all there. Ukyo: As was the mayor's yaoi porn tapes..... >Roscoe raised a finger, "Uhhh, wasn’t there something else in >the agreement?" >By then Ms. Spunkmeyer had climbed out from under the table and had >cleaned off her face. "I’m game if you are, even you pretty miss." Anita: (indignant) PRETTY!!!! She's uglier than a pit bull shoved through a shop vice!!!!! >Mary blushed at the compliment, muttering "OHboyohboyohboy!!" >Lorna walked towards the side bathroom and motioned to everyone to >follow. When I didn’t, she looked back and asked, "Aren’t you gonna >join us?" Umi: (FJ) In slitting my wrists, hell no!!! Rose: Since it's you, Um-chan, I'll let it slide..... Umi: Thanks..... (They make out) (The guys and girls stare) (I get the shit beaten outta me for procastinating) (I sign an oath in my own blood to quit this tangent shit.... damn......) >"Sorry," I said, "but I make it a policy not to come into contact with >the mouth of anyone who sucks off a politician. You never know what >you might catch." >"Hmph!" Turning, she sauntered into the bathroom where all my >compatriots were eagerly waiting to have some fun. >After about 30 minutes they all came staggering back out with sloppy >grins on their faces. Lorna and Mary came out last with their hands >on each others asses. >Larry face-faulted. "Another one converted, DAMMIT!!" Umi\Rose: WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM, JACKASS!!!!!! >Lorna and Mary kissed passionately. When they finished, >Lorna asked her if they was still on for tonight. "Your >place, 8’ish?" >"You bet, and bring that giant dildo you said you had." >Mary said seductively. Anita: That was as seductive as a bullet to the head. Rose: (pissed) I'M THE ONE THAT MAKES DEATH REFERENCES, BITCH!!!! Anita: (nonplussed) Who pissed in your coffee? >"Are we finished yet?" I asked impatiently. >Everyone nodded. I turned to the mayor and said, in >hindsight, the stupidest thing I ever uttered, "Ok >then, we accept" Umi: (FJ) That I'm a fucking dumbass!!!!! -------------------------------------------------------------------------- >Chapter Three "Catch and Release" -------------------------------------------------------------------------- >I took the ransom letter from the Mayor and read it. It said: >To the useless boobs that run this city, >I am your superior and you must pay tribute to me. If you do not >give me one BILLION dollars in the next 2 days, I will take away the >entire city’s sex drive by imputing the most foul, sex-killing images >I could find into people‘s brains. I am a genius not a kook. To prove >my claim I will select a random prominent figure and input a heinous >image into them while they sleep. Fucking Packers.... Transfer the >money to this Swiss acct: (authors note: I don’t know shit about >Swiss bank accts, so I’ll leave it blank) within two days or >suffer the consequences!!! >P.S.: Forgive the horrible handwriting, my assistant ran off with a >Super Sayajin and I have to do these friggen ransom notes myself now. >I raised a bemused eyebrow at this. "This sounds like the work of >a fucking nutjob to me." Reno: (sarcastically) Well no shit, Sherlock! Ferio: (FJ) That's Fat Jack to you, you piss drunk bastard!!! >The mayor looked very serious. "This is no joke,now read this." >That said, he then handed me today’s paper. The headline grabbed me >instantly. PORN STARLET HAS MENTAL BREAKDOWN! >The story was that Halota Phajina, star of such wonderful porn >classics as "Spank Me, Stupid" and "Womb Raider" had woken up, >screaming her head off and had to be sedated. She can’t even >look at a naked man anymore and has since said she has given up >porn and plans on being a ...nun. I let out an involuntary sob >and showed the others. >Larry sank to his knees and yelled out "Dear lord NOOOOOO!!!!." >Sheckey took off his hat and bowed his head in silent prayer. >Mary’s face went shock white. She had to sit down. Roscoe was on >his knees rocking back and forth saying "this isn’t happening." over >and over. Irvine: (screams in horror) >"I felt the same way when I saw it, guys." the mayor said, "This >bastard means business, and if word got out there might be rioting >in the streets for god’s sake!!" >I now understood that this was a very important case, one that meant >the survival of smut as we know it. Don’t get me wrong, I still would >have run like fuck for the hills if I had known what was gonna happen. >In the end, it was our fault it did, but I digress. Steiner: (FJ) I'm a damned idiot with a ridiculous name, and that why I butchered the mayor into little pieces, put them in a doggy bag, and mailed them to a little old lady in Pasadena who mistook the bag for stew meat she was going to give her cats. >Later that evening, I set Sheckey to work on dusting for prints and >Roscoe to work on the database to match said prints. We all worked >far into the night trying to trace possible leads with zero success. >Mary had left earlier to meet up with Lorna. When they got back, they >went into the back room for some fun. We were also constantly bothered >by that freaky shitbag, Lustidick who seemed to be roaming the halls, >bitching about someone named Jugglesworth who ran off with someone named >Vegeta, whoever they were. I had to physically restrain Larry from >throwing high explosives at him a few times. Reno: You dumbass!!!! Why the fuck did you stop him?!?!?!?! Ferio: Yeah, what an idiot..... "That sonofabitch is driving me crazy!!" Larry yelled around midnight. "Lemme just use one grenade, just one!" Steiner: (snidely) Aren't you FUBARed enough? IFR: (laugh) >I looked him squarely in the face and said "Do you remember that clown >from Zurich, the one you said that kept honking his nose at you in >the hallway? Remember how you sicked those acid induced howler >monkeys on him? Do you remember the lawsuit due to the noise ordinance?" >"Yeah, and I kept finding little clown bits everywhere for about >a month." Sheckey added. >"Alright, alright, you made your point," Larry said in defeat, >"but one more 30 minute, full volume rant about the fucking Packers >again and.... Irvine: (Larry) I'll stick TNT up his ass and throw him into the nearest bonfire!!!!!!! >"Wait!" I said, suddenly stopping in my tracks. "what did you say?" >Larry looked up, "What, about him and the Packers?" >That was it!, I thought as I went for the ransom note. There it >was, in plain sight. Is said "Fucking Packers" on it. The culprit was >right under our nose all this time. >Lustidick had to be the man, but we still needed proof. Steiner: (outraged) WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?! NO JURY IN THE WORLD WOULD FIND ME GUILTY FOR KILLING THAT LITTLE SHITBAG, SO WHAT THE HELL IS STOPPING YOU, YOU DUMB BASTARD!!!!!! Ferio: Relax Steiner....you're gonna explode if ya don't...... >I sent Roscoe went out to sneak into Lustidick’s office for said proof, >and while he was gone, Larry, Sheckey and I went to spy on Mary and >the lovely Ms. Spunky getting it on. >We peaked in through the spy hole I put in for just such an occasion >and found that we missed some of the good parts. Sitting by the >couch was a giant, diesel powered dildo, covered in their love >nectar. Which one got it, we didn’t know. By the time we got to >the hole, they were engaged in a sixty-nine, fingering and lapping >each other like dogs on ice cream cones, moaning in ecstasy and >licking their fingers every once in a while. Irvine: For once, yuri hasn't turned me on yet......WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?!?!?!?!?!?! Reno: Actually, I'm sober, and I'm still not aroused yet, so don't feel bad..... >Mary slowed up at this point and pondered for a moment. She then >got a wicked look in her eye, balled up her hand and plunged her >whole fist into Lorna’s dripping wet cunt. >Lorna’s eyes bugged out of her head and she made a sound like she >had that hand down her throat rather than up her twat, and then >Mary started pumping her arm and that sound turned into moan >right quickly enough. >Mary then switched positions and got upon her knees, straddling Lorna >rather than laying on her. Lorna had her eyes shut in what appeared >to be a look of both ecstasy and pain. She reached out and plunged >some of her own fingers into Mary’s muscular vagina, and a couple of >finger into her ass to boot! That made Mary gasp and quicken her >pumping. It didn’t take long for both Lorna and Mary to come to a >ragged-voiced-shuddering-flailing orgasm and pass out. >Well, Lorna did anyway. Mary withdrew her hand, got off of her >partner and said quietly to herself, "Still got it, oh yeah." >Then, she looked DIRECTLY AT US and gave a sticky thumbs-up. "Enjoy >the show?" she said with a giggle. Irvine: (impressed) Well...that was new...... >Sometimes I can’t figure that girl out... Ferio: Don't bother...you'll just blow a fuse if you try.... >Two hours later Sheckey returned and gave his report. He says that >Lustidick renovated about 3 floors down to make a ginourmous lab and >it was full of all kinds of scientific crap, he even found a vat >of something called "Lust Virus". >Lustidick was also busy working on a strange ray gun and then >bitching at football on satellite TV. He also was still ranting >about that Jugglesworth woman and about how he couldn’t make a >decent ham sandwich by himself to save his soul and was drinking >heavily from a bottle that was only labeled "Lustidick’s Happy >Juice" Irvine: Guys, do you that it's really- Steiner: Kinneas, just shut up, or I hurl on you!!!!! Irvine: Who pissed in your cuirass? >Sheckey eventually managed to hack into a nearby computer and got >the evidence he needed for us to storm the place and beat the shit >out of Lustidick. Reno: Who the hell needs evidence to beat the piss out of that freaky shitbag? >Larry was very excited. He was practically jumping up and down as we >got equipped to storm Lustidick’s lair. "I can’t wait to put a big ‘ol >hurt on him, one more long winded, drunken rant and I’d have stuffed >plastique up his ass and poured nitro down his throat, guilty or not." >"You’ll have to wait in line for that", said Roscoe as he cleaned out >his shotgun, "I just know it that guy what shorted out the power grid >and ruined my Quake 3 tournament. "I was winning Damnit!!!" Ferio: And I thought that RM (the real me, not the evil bastard) got anal over videogames...... >I then noticed that Mary was loaded down, a little too loaded. >She was carrying 3 rocket launchers, about 8 different types of >automatic weapons, enough ammo to start, end, and restart WW3 >and dragging along an enema machine. "A little too prepared >are we?" I asked her sarcastically, "Drop some of that, please." Steiner: This is going to sound needlessly cruel and brutal, but I think that she is seriously underequipped. >Mary smiled sheepishly, "Well, you can never be too careful, right?" >She dropped all but one rocket launcher, 3 of the guns and some of >the ammo. Larry tried a grab at the enema machine but I countered >him with a boot to the head. "We’ll be having none of that." >I said sternly. Irvine: (mad) What the hell?!?!?!?!?! Lustidick not only needs an enema machine, he needs to sit on a rusty iron rod with acidic love juice from a gay tentacle monster!!!!!!!!!! >Larry got the message and backed off without a word. Reno: But the email was pretty harsh..... >I adjusted the strap on my chain-gun and grabbed an ammo pack of my >own. We were ready for just about anything, except ourselves. >------------------------------------------------------------------------ >Chapter Four "Battling Morons" >------------------------------------------------------------------------ >We had gotten to room 485 and were all surprised that this guy >actually locked the door. >I gave Sheckey the twenty for loosing the bet. I had said he wouldn’t >even remember to do that. Sheckey later confided in me that he was >the one what locked it. I congratulated him by beating him with a >porno mag till he had breast prints on his face, but I digress. Anita: Why digress, that part was actually the faint shards of funny..... >At this point, Larry decided to go in movie-style by kicking down >the door and rushing in. The kicking-down-the-door part went smoothly, >but the rushing-in part hit a snag when Larry suddenly realized that >the floor to Lustidick’s lab was 3 floors lower that the door. >Roscoe grabbed him just in time and Larry breathed a sigh of >relief and said, "Pat yourself on the back, dude, you did a >good job." Umi: But were still gonna throw ya in jail...... Rose: Then were going to cap your ass....... >Unfortunately, Roscoe did just that, letting Larry go in the process. >Larry hit the floor with a resounding clang and was silent for a >minute or two. >I went to the edge of the door and yelled into the lab. >"Larry, you alright?!?" Ukyo: (Larry) Yeah....except for the cactus in my ass!!!!!! >His voice was faint but we heard him. "Yeah, but I got good >news and bad news." Rose: (Larry) The good news: I got laid. The bad news: By a zombie with syphillis!!!!!! >I was slightly confused and worried so I asked him, "What’s >the good news?" >"The good news is that I found an elevator, we can get in here >a little easier!" >Here it comes... "What’s the bad?" >"The bad news is that Roscoe won’t be with us for very much longer!!" Anita: (Larry) After I feed his little ass to the gay Venus flytrap!!!!! >Roscoe gulped at this, everyone else laughed. Larry brought >up the elevator and everyone got on, after of course, I separated >Larry’s death grip from Roscoe’s neck. >Thus we descended into the lair of Lustidick. (jeez, did that >ever sound corny.) >When the elevator stopped at the ground floor, we marveled at >what was in here. The place looked like a prop storage room >for a sci-fi series, yet these props worked! We all sort of >stared at everything for a moment, taking it all in. This was >our first official Mad Scientist here,that shoe fetishist’s >meth lab didn’t count. This guy was the real deal. Umi: So why the hell didn't you "test" his prototype phaser?!?! >We seemed to be in corner of what was one big room, packed to the >gills with all kinds of stuff. It was thrown together in random >fashion,beakers next to rayguns, next to cages, next to >who-knows-what. >I gathered everyone together and laid out our strategy. "Well, >if we still have the element of surprise, we may as well use it. >Let’s split up and take him from all corners." Rose: Personally, I'd rather take him apart....... >Sheckey gave us each a map of the place that he whipped up from >memory and we all went our separate ways. Ukyo: (confused) But the lemon isn't over yet...... >I traveled along the further wall from the elevator, passing >by a collection of antique bicycles and a plexi-glass vat of >that "Lust Virus" stuff Sheckey told us about. That stuff >was weird looking, sort of purple, and it had an iridescent >quality to it that made it seem like it was folding in on >itself. It even looked like pictures of naked women were >beckoning me from it. >I took my gaze from it and followed my map to the point >where Sheckey had indicated the evil fuck hung out mostly. >It was a clearing in the farthest corner away from the elevator. >There was a couch, several computers, a TV with a satellite >dish nearby, a bathroom in the corner, and several stacks of >porno tapes from my favorite rental store was laying around. >This was the guy who never returned that copy of "Nympho >Adventure Twins!" The shit eater was gonna suffer first >for that. Anita: I thought they were going to cap Lustidick for being an evil asshole........ >When I got there, everyone else was already present. All of >them were just standing around looking like lost puppies. >"What the hell is wrong with you people?!?" I yelled, >exasperated, "It’s not like we haven’t done something >like this before!!" >Larry shrugged, "We can’t find him and we looked everywhere." Umi: (FJ) Try your ass!!!!! Rose: (laughs) >Everyone else shrugged at me simultaneously. I slapped a >hand to my head in frustration and asked "Then why aren’t >you all looking for the FUCKING WEAPON!?!?" >"Duh! Cause we don’t know what the fuck it looks like." Mary >said in an annoyed tone. I raised a finger and opened my >mouth to retort, but I was interrupted by mad laughter that >seemed to come from everywhere at once. >"So, you want to foil my evil scheme, eh?" The disembodied >voice of Lustidick called out. "Well, before the obligatory >battle, I have a question: Wanna see something, large, >hard and slightly curved?" All: FUCK NO!!!!!! >"Hell no!" we all screamed simultaneously. >"Too bad", Lustidick shouted, "you’re gonna anyway!" More >maniacal laughter filled our ears as we were suddenly >assaulted by hundreds of frozen pickles from above. >We all ran for cover as the deadly dills came hurling >from the sky. A stray pickle bounced off my head and >I thought: Oh yes, he was going to SUFFER FOR THIS!! Anita: Let me guess. You're going to play keep away with his bottle of Viagra...... >Just then I noticed him standing on a shelf tossing them >out of a large cloth sack. He was wearing traditional mad >scientists attire, the lab coat, the shirt and tie. The >only things that looked out of place on him were that he >was wearing Bermuda shorts and what looked like swimming >goggles. "Lustidick, I’m gonna kick your ass for this!" >I yelled and ran toward him. He took one look at me and >my chaingun and ran, hopping from shelf to shelf, always >keeping ahead and above me. I finally got fed up and >fired at the shelf right in front of him, just as he was >leaping to it. It splinted and collapsed just as he leapt >on to it and he fell, screaming into a pile of junk. Ukyo: I thought Lustidick was a pile of junk...... >I dug him out. Luckily he wasn’t dead, lucky for me >that is, his luck had just ran out. >I picked him up by the collar of his lab coat and turned my >head away from the awful stench he gave off, he smelled like >he hadn’t bathed in weeks. >I know I smell bad, haven’t been able to take care of myself properly since my former assistant ran off with a friggan alien." He grumbled. >"Save your sob story", I snarled, "You will have 10 seconds to >tell me where the mental imaging device is or..." I paused as >I looked around for something nasty to shove up his posterior >and spied something even better, a large crate with air-holes >marked with a sign that read "Amorous Homosexual Tony the Tiger >Clone: Never Open!!", "I’ll let you play with Tony over >there!!" I finished with a sadistic chuckle. (Irvine's weeping can be heard) (Anita consoles him....with a BJ....) (Aw shit....I'm doing that tangent crap again......) >Lustidick’s eyes went wide as dinner plates and his pupils shrank >to pinpricks, "Y-y-you wouldn’t D-d-d-d-dare!!" >I marched over to the box and pressed his face over to one side >and heard someone say, "Doctor? Is that you? Come on in and >party with me, it’ll be GRRRRREAT!!" He said more, but I’m >not gonna get into that. Rose: Thanks for sparing my sanity.......not that I have much to begin with....... >Lustidick was sweating bullets now. "OK, OK, ALRIGHT!!! I’ll lead >you to the device, just get me the fuck away from that abomination!!" >Said abomination was waggling his be-striped dick out of one of the >air-holes and talking dirty. Umi: That paragraph could be used as a substitute for syrup of ipecac, because I'm gonna blow chunks if this crap gets any worse!!!!! >Needless to say, he and I got out of there in a hurry. >I continued to carry him by the collar, not trusting him to >even walk a step. He directed me back to the clearing where >everyone was watching a football game on satellite. I was >ragingly pissed off. "I chase this little pissant all over >this stinking lab, and you’re all watching FOOTBALL?!?" >"Heh, that’s not all we’re doing!" said Roscoe happily as he >pointed down at his crotch. Lorna Spunkmeyer was happily sucking >him off. Based on the grins of my compatriots, he was the last >in line. >"Uh, who’s playing and what’s the score?" The captive doc asked >tentativly. "Packers vs. the Bills, Bills are winning thirty to >nothing" Sheckey replied. Ukyo: (to the girls) If you smell a scene where Lustidick starts cursing like a sailor and crying like a whiny jackass, raise your hands. Girls: (raise hands) >"FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUUUUUUUUK!!" Lustidick >screamed and then went into a rant about how God was >punishing him. Rose: Who the hell is Lustidick kidding? This shitty assed lemon is pretty much hell for us!!!!!!! >I sighed as I cuffed him over the head before he said anymore. >He started crying and sucking his thumb. Umi: (evily) Bet the little baby wants his bottle too..... All: (snicker contemptously) >"Tell me where the fucking device is or you become a permanent >fixture on the end of that cartoon tiger!!" I said angrily. >Lustidick sulked and said, "It’s hooked into the satellite dish, >follow the blue wire and you’ll be led right to it." >I put him down and told Mary, Larry and Sheckey to watch him while >me and Roscoe went to check it out. He and I followed the wire >until we got to a large, strange looking device that had to be >what we were looking for. It was a cross between a giant mushroom >and a cuisenart, with a laptop jammed in at the bottom. >Roscoe got out his tools and took a panel off of it, studying >the innards of the beast. After much studying he gave me a >report on it. "It seems I figured out how it works, it uses >the satellite to beam out a signal that’s tuned to any mind >over the age of 18. It can send any kind of picture or >information into the brain, and that image or info could >conceivably stay there for months on end. All in all, a >brilliant invention, and simple to operate too, all you >have to do is press this button." He pointed indistinctly >at the laptop. Anita: And had the shit scared out of his nerdy ass when it started talking huskily in Russian...... >That’s when I made the second biggest blunder in history, >I asked "Which button?" and then Roscoe made the first biggest, >he said "This one, and PUSHED THE FUCKING BUTTON!!! >The machine whizzed to life, and the satellite dish shot out >a green beam that ricocheted across a series of mirrors and >out a skylight. Everyone in the lab pretty much said he same >thing at that moment. Ukyo: (the FJ Agency) Why did the chicken cross the road? >"Uh oh...." >------------------------------------------------------------------------ >Chapter Five "Messy Clean-Up" >------------------------------------------------------------------------ >I yanked Roscoe away from the console and looked at the screen. >My stomach did flip-flops as I gazed upon what mush have sent >Halota over the edge. >It was an orgy scene, but not just any orgy scene, this one had >all the disgusting shit in it, vomiting, shit fetishes, golden >showers, necrophilia, etc. But that wasn’t the worst part, >it was WHO was in it that nearly made me crack, it was all the >oldest, ugliest, most repugnant Republicans that ever walked >the earth and they were even sodomizing Nixon’s corpse!! THE AUTHOR, RPGINGMASTER: YOU SICK SHITBAG!!!! THAT IS MOST SICKENING THING I'VE EVER HEARD, YOU FOUL, DISGUSTING BASTARD!!!! THANKS TO THAT SHIT, I'M PROBABLY GOING TO BE DEAD OR STERILE, YOU FUCKING JACKASS!!! BURN IN HELL, YOU SON OF A BITCH!!!!!!!! >This gross tableau made me shudder and want to vomit. We had just >beamed that into the minds of everyone over 18 in the city!! I went >out to where the others were waiting and we all exchanged worried >glances for a moment, then my gaze turned to Lustidick who was >staring at me like I was the anti-christ. "What the hell did >you just do?!?" he yelled. >"Shut up!!" I yelled back. "This was your fucking machine!! >Now your gonna help us fix this!" >"And what if I don’t?" He said defiantly. Steiner: (FJ) Then you'll be forced to sodomize Nixon next!!!!! >"Then you get a permanent roommate in Tony!!" >The doctor blanched at this. "Ok, fine, but I’ll need an >assistant." >Lorna jumped up and raised her hand. "Oh me, pick me pick me!!" >she said enthusiastically. >Dr. Lustidick’s lighted up like he’d discovered a long lost friend, >"Ok, you’ll do!" and led her to a table and they got to work. >"Tell me, have you ever considered a career as a Mad Scientist’s >assistant?" Irvine: (Lorna) Weeellll....I did help another guy make homemade Viagra...... >Lorna looked up from what she was doing, "Do you have a dental plan?" >They worked non-stop for about an hour, then finally the Doc raised >his hands in triumph "Huzzah! My greatest invention has been made >even better! The Lust Virus version two , and held up two large >beakers in his hands. "There’s enough for 6 doses. When one is >infected, they become an insatiable nymphomaniac, but only for >one orgasm, then they return to normal. Whoever the person >touches while in the state of hornyness, gets also infected, >thus we need to infect some willing recipients." >Larry, Sheckey and Roscoe all raised their hands. >"Good, now we need 3 women!" said Lustidick. Steiner: (Dr. L) Then I'll need 300 women, then I'll need 3000 women, then I'll need- Irvine: Getting a little needy, aren't we Dr.L? Steiner: (Dr.L) I'm an evil shitbag with an unfortunate name, and if I have a ton of women around, it increases my nonexistent chances of getting laid by 0.000000000000001%!!!!! >Lorna raised her hand again, "I know the perfect girls for >this, sir." Ferio: (Dr. L's mind) I need bad girls. I need naughty girls. I need slutty girls. I need girls who would willing screw Dr. Evil without being paid a shitload of cash first!!!!!!! >Lustidick looked at her approvingly, "Good job, Ms. Spunkmeyer, >this will work out just fine." Reno: (Dr.L) I especially apppreciated watching you give head to a Miller Light bottle....... >We all left the lab and drove my van out onto the street. >Everywhere we looked, the sight was horrible. Everyone was >on the ground, crying and clutching their heads, some were >trying to claw out their eyes in a vain attempt to rid >themselves of the image lurking behind their eyelids. >Pools of vomit were drying in the early morning sun. >We rolled up the windows due to the smell. >We drove to a small house outside the city property, >and beheld Lorna’s friends, the All-State Nympho Bikini Team!! >They were also under the effects of the image, shaking >and crying uncontrollably. We told them we had a cure for >it and they gladly accepted. The three girls and our boys >stood around in a small circle, while Lustidick poured the >two beakers together on the ground in the center. Irvine: Why the fuck are you pouring the cure on the damn ground, you stupid bastard?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! >There was a flash, and six small purple, star shaped blobs >rose up off the ground and impaled themselves into the chests >of the six. Immediately, they all started rubbing their >genitals nearly shaking with excitement. Ferio: Well...being randy enough to hump a schoolbook will do that to you....... >"Well, don’t just stand there, get to work! You’ve got a city to >save!!" I yelled. Reno: Loud enough to punch holes in every virgin barrier left!!!! >They all stampeded out the door, by nightfall half the city >was cured. >Which brings us to now. I’m sitting here in my easy-chair, >listening to the sound of fucking as it filled the night air. >I taped the news,there was a piece on how our agency saved the >city and how we was rewarded, handsomely I might add. There was >also a segment on the mass orgy outside, but all they showed on >the news was some guy’s hairy bobbing ass. Oh well, you can’t >have everything. Irvine: Yes you can, especially if your Hugh Hefner!!!!! Steiner: Now I KNOW you think with your dick....... >One more thing, Lustidick and Lorna escaped justice by >leaping through an inter-dimensional portal, followed by >a woman and a man in a dress. Ferio: Phin and Munch? (Law and Order: SVU) Reno: (laughing) You and I both know that Ice T would fucking die before he put on a damn dress!!!!! >One of my weirdest and worst cases has finally come to a close. >Thank God. Steiner: Blasphemer....... >Case Closed >© That Evil Bastard 2001 >All characters ©That Evil Bastard and Shadow of Ink Blot Inc. >THE END All: YAAAAAAYYYYYYY!!!!!!!! (lemon screen clicks off) All: FUCKING YAAAAAAYYYYYY!!!!!! Just as the crew is about to leave, suddenly they all find themselves bound and gagged, and that's when RM appears. Suddenly, LoG, Yuber, and Pesmerga apppear, but RM proves to be too fast, as he quickly raises his hand, and they are bound and gagged as well. After that's done, he walks in front of each, and in the style of a Nazi interrogator, starts promising horrible tortures. RM: (to Irvine) For you, I will have your old high school principal sodomize you repeatedly..... Irvine: (scared as all hell) RM: (to Umi/Rose) For you two, I think I'll have you two dropped into a pit with horny, STD carrying men.... Umi/Rose: (stare in fear) RM: (to Steiner/Ferio) For you dipshits, I think I'll laugh my ass off as you skullfuck each other..... Steiner/Ferio: (turn pale as a sheet and start whimpering) RM: (to Ukyo) For you, I think I'll be happy having you as my personal bitch.......(to Reno)....and you'll have to watch!!!!! Reno\Ukyo: (glare with undisguised malice) As RM continues his little speech, he is unaware that LoG has gotten a hand free, and she uses it to use some fanfic magic. Suddenly, RM gets pissed and looks angrily at the person who steps out of the portal she opened up. The figure is in a nun's outfit, and she is short, pudgy, has black hair, librarian glasses, and is currently thumping a bible the size of an unabridged dictionary. Bible Thumping Prude: (to RM) PERVERT!!!!!! PERVERT!!!!!!! RM: (mad as all hell) FUCK YOU, YOU PRUDISH BITCH!!!!!!! Just then, he brings his right hand up to his forehead, and the weird, glowing spell shit starts as he charges up for a magic attack. After a second, he waves his hand in her direction. RM: FLARE!!!!!!! As he casts his spell, it seems that a gigantic explosion is building up, and it's centered right over her body. As it reaches critical mass, a phantasmagoric orb of cataclysmic nuclear fire explodes, and it rips the nun's body apart, and quickly reduces the little bitch to cinders. Unfortunately, while he cooked the censor bitch, LoG was able to get both hands free, and she used her own author power's to free the rest of the crew, who now have their respective weapons in their hands, and are now out for blood. RM sees this, and immediately decides discretion is the better part of valor, and tries to leave via a teleport. Thankfully, LoG uses every damned fraction of her own abilities to cast a forcefield over the whole room, preventing the little bastard's escape. The minute the evil fuck sees the result of her efforts, he then uses his own power to transform into his sickest creation: Fuy Gacker, the gay ass tentacle monster. He then lashes out his multiple appendages in an effort to ensnare the crew. He manages to capture Reno, but the fully charged lightning rod Reno rams into his gut makes RM drop the Turk, and that's when Umi slings a tidal wave at the tentacled bastard. As that happens RM throws up all of his tentacles as a shield, nullifying the water's effect. However, it doesn't help him against the combined assualt of Steiner, Ferio, Rose, Yuber, Anita, and Pesmerga, as they all use their various blades to lop off his appendages. RM yells the demon equivalent of "AW DAMMIT!!!!!!" as they manage to lop off almost every appendage on his body. He tries to lunge forward, to take a chomp out of his attackers, but Ukyo counters with a quick *WHAP* as her battle spatula smacks him in the face. RM is offically stunned, and that's when Irvine sees his chance. He puts all the Pulse Ammo he has into his gun, and fires it off, and a huge line of plasma energy fries RM, dead center in the heart. He yells in pain, and that's when the demon body disappears, revealing the battle worn husk of an evil author. At that point, that's when LoG's author powers run dry, and the forcefield goes down, and that's when RM runs away. As he runs, the crew follows, and they curse as they see him head down to the basement via the elevator. Thankfully, the elevator is a rather fast model, and they quickly get on, and they head down to the basement, with the intent of kicking some ass. When they arrive, they see that the room that used to house the panty theif Happosai has changed into a space dock, and that RM is virtually crawling inch by inch to his space ship. Thankfully for RM, just as Irvine gets a clear shot at RM's bishounen skull, that's when Dr.T and Ms.B appear,and they unleash the Lust Virus at the crew. Several star shaped microbes enter their chests, and they all start feeling more than a little randy. Thankfully, everyone is randy to some degree on the S.O.L. daily, so it doesn't distract Irvine in the least as he blows RM's head off. RM's head explodes, and showers of sparks erupt from the little bastard's neck as his android body loses life support, and the MSTers don't help matters by pretty much slicing, dicing, and using every weapon/spell/techinique/Kama Sutra position in the book to FUBAR the body of the little fucker..... Meanwhile, the dicky doc and the busty bitch decide that discretion is the better part of valor as well, so they board the ship and run like hell, leaving behind a victorious MST crew......who are now celebrating by all of them taking turns shoving the pieces of RM's body up Hitler's ass......... *********************************************************************** Many hours later....... *********************************************************************** The crew and LoG, Yuber, and Pesmerga are in the lemon screening room, replaying a tape of how they kicked ass, and are currently alternating between screwing and laughing their asses off at the defeat of the bishounen jackass. Suddenly, the picture on the screen disappers and changes abruptly to show the face of the crew's most hated nemesis. RM: Greeting, lab rats!!!!! All: HOW IN THE MOTHERFUCKING HELL DID YOU SURVIVE, YOU SON OF A BITCH!!!!!! RM: Simple. You just destroyed an android clone!!!!! All: FUUUUUUCCCCCKKKKKKK!!!!!!! RM: Quite. Well, I have more shitty lemons I'll be sending, so prepare to lose your damned sanity, lab rats! Have an absolutely fucked up day!!!! (laughs manaically as the screen fades out) Meanwhile, the MSTers, LoG, Yuber, and Pesmerga stare in shock, before uttering the immortal whinings and pissings of those who have just been fucked over. All: THIS FUCKING SUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCKKKKKKKSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!! ************************************************************************** Thanks To -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Mom- For inspiration Lady of Genesis- For her ideas and contributions ^_~ (Thanks!!!!) Shadow- For liberal use of his stuff, and the inspiration to make my own dicky doc and busty bitch. That Evil Bastard- Whose lemon was so funny to MST!!!! Me- For writing this. And to all who like my writing....my personal thanks to you. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- So tune in next time for Season Three of.... MYSTERY LEMON THEATER 3000 1/2!!!!!!!!