Mystery Lemon Theater 3000 1/2 "Bondage Crap!!!!!!" By Rpgingmaster, and the Lady of Genesis ^____^ Rated NC-17 (for language, sexual situations) **************************************************************************** This has a NC-17 rating, which means if you are under 18, you're a prude, or just don't like foul words, sexual content, and general perversity, leave now, because I take no responsibilty for your actions if you ignore this disclaimer. Due to having the constitutional rights of freedom to speech, expression and privacy, any action you take against will be regarded as an attack on my rights, and I will seek legal recourse to prohibit such action. And besides, if you are morally offended by my work, than you shouldn't be foolish enough to read it. Sincerely Rpgingmaster ########################################################################### IN DIFFERENT PLACES, DOWN FANFIC B.C. THERE WAS A LOT OF PEOPLE, A LOT LIKE YOU OR ME!!!! A VERY EVIL WRITER, STUMBLED ACROSS A SA-TELL-ITE, HE WAS PRETTY EVIL, AND WORTHY OF SOME FRIGHT, HE BROUGHT THE PEOPLE, TO HIS TORTURE SET, THEY HAD TO READ BAD LEMONS, THAT WERE WORSE THAN YOU'D EXPECT!!!! (LET US LEAVE,YOU ASSHOLE!!!!!!) I SEND'EM CHEESY LEMONS, THE WORST,I CAN FIND! THEY'LL HAVE TO SIT AND READ'EM ALL, AND I'LL MONITOR THEIR MINDS!!!! NOW KEEP IN MIND,THEY CAN'T CONTROL, WHEN THE FICS BEGIN OR END, BUT THEY'LL TRY TO KEEP THEIR SANITY, WITH SOME HELP FROM THEIR FRIENDS!!!! ROLL CALL! Rose! (Why me.....) Umi! (You prick!!!) Steiner! (Bastard...) Irvine! (Lemony!!!!!!!) Valemont! (Fuck....) Shen-du! (...Crap) Ukyo! (Whatever...) Anita! (Shit!!!!) IF YOUR WONDERING HOW THEY EAT AND BREATH, AND OTHER SCIENCE FACTS, JUST REPEAT TO YOURSELF,IT'S JUST A FIC, I SHOULD JUST RELAX FOR MYSTERY LEMON THEATER, 3000 1/2!!! (ding) =========================================================================== Author's Note: In this fic, I will be doing some very brutal and explicit ragging on "So Damn Insane"(Saddam Hussein). If you actually like the guy: 1. Sucks to be you. 2. Fuck you, and the horse you rode in on. 3. Die quickly, and make sure you hide your disgusting corspe, you anti-American shitbag!!!!!!! =========================================================================== Now on with the MST....... On the last episode of MLT, RM revealed how much of a sickening ass he is, and Yuber got a girlfriend. (and Shen-du was quite the hentai, I might add....) Anyway, they have just finished reviewing a very shitty lemon, and are now relaxing, secure in the knowledge that RM should have the shit kicked out of his stoned, drunken ass, and be made to eat his own said shit. Anyhoo, here's how our MSTers are doing........... ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Time: I won't even dignify this column with a response. (Damn....I just did.....oh well.) Place: The S.O.L. Entertainment Center Irvine is playing FF7. Steiner and Valemont are preparing for RM's next shitload by reading bad lemons. Umi and Rose are KOed in the theater, snoring away. Ukyo is looking at Ranma 1/2 porn on the Internet, and Anita is riding shotgun next to her. Steiner is currently reading bad yaoi, namely Zidane\Amarant yaoi. Steiner: (laughing) I'm keeping a copy of this....that'll teach that bastard to call my sword a homo saber........ Valemont however, is reading Luca Blight\McDohl lemons. Valemont: (thinking, giving him a headache) I didn't know a staff could fit there, and I'm sure as hell that a sword can't fit there........ Shen-du: (talking) And I'm sure McDohl is gonna be sterile when Luca takes that flaming broadsword out of McDohl's------ Valemont: (hysterically) SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Shen-du: (sarcasticly) Now don't get your pink thong panties in a wad.... Valemont:........I hate you............ While that profound use of brain tissue was going on, Ukyo made some very interesting comment's........ Ukyo: If that's Kuno.....that sword is too big to be his bokken. Anita: No kidding. Ukyo: Well...now that we settled the "swordsman" debate, whaddya want to do next? Anita doesn't speak, but fires up a Suidoken porn site, replete with Klaus\Sierra pics. Ukyo: Sierra HAS to be female.....but is Klaus a MAN???? Anita: (looks closer) Now that you mention it....... Irvine: OH SHIT!!!! I'M DATING BARRET!!!!!!! (sobs uncontrollably) Anita: (annoyed) As I was saying...... Just then, klaxons blare and sirens go off. Anita: I WOULD LIKE TO FINISH A FUCKING SENTENCE FOR ONCE!!!!!! DAMMIT!!!!!!!!! Irvine, who had just turned off his game, looked at Anita like she was a crack addict. (Actually, it's the happy weed.) Irvine: Who came in your coffee? Anita: Fuck you. Irvine: (nonplussed)....Again? Anita: (groans) Let's go...... And so, the MSTers file into the theater. (screen clicks on) RM: Greetings, lab rats. Rose: (gets up) Greetings, you festering, bug ridden, assreamed pile of pig shit. RM: Whatever gets you through the day. Anyway, you might want to know why I called? Umi: (also gets up) What the hell.... RM moves to the side of the screen, revealing only one box. Apparently, the Oscar clone box is the only one gone, because the MSTers can see that Fuy is still showing his member and is still talking dirty. Steiner: (panicked) Don't tell those little bastards are on the.... RM: (calmly) Don't shit yourself, Rusty. I just sent them to certain Iraqi citizen, who happens to have pissed off the US of A. Shen-du: (shocked\impressed) You mean....... RM: Yep. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Time: Who cares, Saddam is so fucking dead!!!!!!!! Place: Middle of Nowhere, Iraq. About 50 Oscar clones, naked as jaybirds, are sodomizing the 60+ corpse of a certain dictator. Closer inspection of face and the very small, bent, wrinkled, ice blue phallus confirm it is indeed Saddam Hussein. Or was. To be blunt, he's now Sodomized Hussein. Also, the Oscar clones have now chosen to liberate every fluid and substance in their he/male bodies onto Mr. SoDamn Insane. And this description shall come to an end, given that as funny as this is, I do have some decency, and even I wouldn't be able to finish this without a cigarette, a blindfold, and a firing squad........ And without further ado...on with the MST..... -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Anita:......I think our respect for you has gone up by 0.000000000000001%. RM: (bored) As if I care. Your lemon is coming soon. Have a nice day, imbeciles. (screen clicks off) Steiner: Bastard..... Irvine: I thought he was an asshole! Steiner: Well, he did get Saddam brutally murdered, didn't he? Irvine: Good point. Just then, the screen clicks on, revealing Yuber in a towel, yelling about getting his pants back and LoG laughing in the background. He then notices the MST crew is looking at him. In fact, he notices the female MSTers have their hands exploring the clitoris area...... Yuber: (shivering) Uh...hi...just wanted to tell you that your lemon is ready.....and Irvine...... Irvine: Yeah? Yuber: (hopefully) Do you have a pair of pants? Irvine: (laughing) I spend all my time trying to get them off, and you ask ME for help in getting another pair?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Yuber: (pissed, brandishes sword) DO YOU HAVE SOME FUCKING PANTS?!?!?!?! Steiner: (quickly) Your towel's slipping. Yuber: (readjusts) Thanks....talk to you later.....(to LoG) and I want my pants!!!!!! LoG: (waves them) Come and get'em, Yubby!!!!! Yuber: (grinning) You're on! He jumps for the pants, and the screen clicks off as the towel starts to come off. ARUU: DAMMIT!!!!!!! Umi: I guess we do the lemon this time,right? Valemont: Good luck. Rose: I could use a good guillotine about now..... (mass sweatdrop) Steiner: Uhh...okaaayyy...let's go eat guys......(They leave) (Lemon comes up) >Captivity Anita: Ooohhh...bondage..... RUU: (deadpan)Yay...... >A Ranma 1/2 Lemon Rose: Another one...how bad could it get? >Kodachi\Ranma Rose: (groaning) I just had to ask..... >Ranma left from rooftop to rooftop Ukyo: (Ranma, as Santa) Damn, this job sucks!!!!! >despertly Umi: Looking for a dictionary. >trying to stay ahead >of the self proclaimed Black Rose, >who just wouldn't take Rose: An IOU or a cyanide tablet. >no for an answer >"Come back,Ranma-sama!!! Umi: Ever notice that RM always forgets the periods, just to piss us off, but always get the other punctuation just right? ARU: I think everyone knows by now. >pierced the night air Anita: Like a dick to a cunt. RUU:EEEEWWW!!!!! >as Kodachi followed in hot pursuit Umi: (Kodachi, rubbing skin) Crap, I knew this Pursuit lotion was a crock..... >"Leave me alone!!!", he yelled back >wishing he was Rose: Dead >under a nice,warm Ukyo: Apple pie. >and away from the insanely Anita: Horny. >amorous suitor Umi: (Suitor) Wanna play "tailor"? (loooooooonnnngggg pause) Umi: (groaning) Fine...I'll stop the bad jokes.... >Kodachi was getting desperate Anita: (Kodachi) Oh brother dear.....I need some attention here..... Ukyo: I actually would buy that. Anita: (questioningly) You would? Ukyo: (amused) Why not? That whole family is a prime example of incest gone wrong...... >She took out Rose: A gun. >a sleping gas bomb Umi: So she buys crap from FF1. Ukyo: I knew that bitch was wierd..... >She threw it Umi: She's throwing a strap on? >in front of her Anita: So Ranma's female now? >Her aim was true Ukyo: YAAAAAYYYY!!!! RM is one dead fucker!!!!! Anita: Not that true. Ukyo:.....DAMMIT!!!! >and it exploded in front >of Ranma Umi: It's an exploding strap on? Ukyo: That is one weird toy... >"Damn",was the last thing he >uttered Rose: Before he died. >before sleep overcame him Anita: (Sleep) You're my new bitch, femboy!!! Get on your knees, cunt!!!! >********** Anita: (Critic #1) I have to agree. Umi: (Critic #2) You're right. It IS a 10 out of 10 on the Fic Shit O' Meter. >"Uuu....what happened" Anita: You were raped...and sticky crap is in your ass. >Ranma had just woken up >As light returned Rose: (Ranma, vampire) AW,FUUUCCCCKKKK!!!!!! (explodes) >He noticed his arms and legs >were bound with leather thongs ARUU: (laugh) Umi: (chuckling) He's...(snort)...being...(snicker).... restrained..(chuckle)..with....(laughs)...THONGS?!?!!?! >He was naked too Ukyo: WOO HOO!!! NAKED RANMA-SAMA!!!! ^_________^ >Before he had a chance to scream Rose: Lecter bit off his tounge. >a door opened Anita: (Tatewaki Kuno, Kodachi's brother, walks in) Wanna fuck? RUU: (EXTREMELY MAJOR DRY HEAVE!!!!!!!) >the straps of which looked like they >could break with a blunt Ukyo: Weird...you could break it with a reefer? >remark >Ranma mind was on Anita: Viagra. Rose: Arsenic. Umi: Rogaine. Ukyo: (to Umi) HUH?!?!?! >a completely different >track for a few minutes >but he eventually regained Umi: His teddy bear....which Kodachi was waving around and taunting him with. >his composure >"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?" Anita: (aggravated) She's tied you down so she can play bondage games, dipshit!!!! >Kodachi didn't reply,but she begin a >long,slow,striptease Umi: That was pretty boring, considering she wearing one article of clothing. >Ranma sucked in a breath, Rose: Held it, turned blue, and suffocated. >She was showing him every from her slender >legs,her supple breasts,and pert,perfect ass Ukyo: I think the author secretly wants to fuck her, if he thinks she looks THAT good. >Instantly,Ranma's member sprang to full attention >She sashayed over,and started giving him head Rose: Before she took and axe out and-- AUU: NO BOBBIT REFERENCES!!!!!! Rose: I guess you're right...too easy anyway..... >Ranma moaned in Ecstasy Ukyo: I thought he was shagging Kodachi? (long pause) Ukyo: Damn...always knew he was a player. >She moved her tounge Umi: (PISSED!!!!!!) WHAT THE HELL IS A TOUNGE?!?!?!?! >up and down his shaft >He was getting so aroused,that >in a burst of hentai strength >he snapped all four of his Rose: Arms and legs. >constraints. >Kodachi looked up in surprise Anita: (Kodachi) Why is a penguin on your head giving me the finger? >Just as she did Rose: The world did her!!! Anita: HEEEYYYY!!!! I'm the pervert!!!! >Ranma pulled her on top of his body and >straddled her hips.She gasped Rose: (Kodachi, gasping, aroused) Your body...so hot... can't breathe.... (dies) >as he lowered his head and started Ukyo: To go somewhere over the rainbow >suckin her breasts Umi:Either "suckin" is a typo, or RM thinks his skinny, white, pale ass is black. >As he worked on her chest Ukyo: (Ranma, as a doctor) Get me 40cc's of saliva, stat!!!! >she grinned as he thrust into er Umi: (as the H) RM, YOU BASTARD!!! YOU FORGOT TO PUT ME IN!!!!! >They were enjoying it Anita: Ugghh...they were screwing the clown from the Stephen King movie?!?!?!?!?!?!?! RUU: Kinky....... >as they came to climax >they shuddered Rose: As they broke into a million pieces. >as the passion flowed Rose: (Passion) Prepare to drown,fuckers!!!! Umi: Don't you think the death jokes are going a little overboard????? >Ranma said,"Thanks,but why do the seduction?" Anita: And Ranma is the winner of the 2003 Fucking Dumbass Award....... >"I like a captive audience...." Ukyo: So does RM..... >THE END All: YAAAAAYYYYY!!!!!!!!! Just then, the screen clicks on, revealing Yuber, who is finally dressed, albeit in purple shorts and a halter top. Yuber: (embarrassed).....hi...... ARUU: BWHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!! Yuber: (sarcastic) Oh sure.....just rub it in why don't you....... Anita: Sorry about that...you still look hot though.... Yuber: Thanks....by the way, RM called, said he was going to train to kick my ass, the next lemon's a shounen ai, and gave me the finger. ARUU: (deadpan) Gee, thanks...... (screen clicks off) ARUU: More shitty lemons...... (lonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnggggggggg pause) (Sprint Commercial plays) ("Fear Factor" comes on) (Osama Bin Laden dies of ass hemmorage) (This pausing crap is getting ridiculous, isn't it) ARUU:......FUUUUUUUUCCCCKKKK!!!!!!!! Later..... -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Yuber can be seen,running around the room, wearing pink pantyhose, a green blouse, and a sunbonnet, running after a laughing LoG, who's STILL holding his pants.......... Teasers **************************************************************************** The guys discover Door #2...... RM's substitute makes an appearance.... LoG does Yuber's job..... **************************************************************************** **************************************************************************** Thanks to Mom-For inspiration Lady of Genesis-For being such a kind reviewer Me-For writing this **************************************************************************** So tune in next time for.... MYSTERY LEMON THEATER 3000 1/2!!!!!!!