From: RPM - acct 3/5 Subject: [FFML] [C&C][MST3K] The More Things Read on "DOJO RAIDER!" writer's note: Ryo, Ryoko, Megs, and Kyoko are from the story 'The More Things Change', at www.uh.edu/~rpm/fanfic. Thanks to all that voted in the CB awards that put this gang at the top of the MST3Ks :) -rod ---------------------------------------- Once upon a time there were these four siblings, who happened to be martial artists, who also happened to be movie buffs... One was a rather skinny fellow, looking a lot like Hikaru Gosunkugi, the other a short-haired girl with a fair tan, the next a sloppily dressed lad with long hair and eyeglasses, and finally, a rather cute 12 year old with a hyperactivity problem.... ROLL CALL! Ryo Muhoshin, snide yet debonaire Ryoko Muhoshin, a teen girl with flare Megs Muhoshin, a pervert beyond compare Kyoko Muhoshin, tiny tot without a care Megs: Woohoo! Ryo: Eh? Megs: We're watching another Lara Bartram production! Ryoko: Oh my. Ryo: Blindfold! Earmuffs! Ryoko: Got it. Kyoko: What? HEY! NO FAIR! > DOJO RAIDER! starring Lara Bartram Megs: *GASP* And we get to see the Goddess in action too! Ryo: Oh my. > by Lara Bartram Megs: ALL HAIL THE GODDESS! > _________________________________________________________________ > > There's this big weird flash of light, and then I'm not standing where > I was two seconds ago. "What the fuck..." are the first words out of > my mouth. Of course they're the first words out of my mouth, I have > this swearing problem; I curse more than anyone I know. Megs: Ssssssssssaucy! I like that in a woman! Ryo: I think 'Apocalypse Now' was playing next door. Megs: Hey! Don't go! Ryoko: And 'Titanic' was in theatre 3 down the way... Megs: Oh come on! > So I look around. Skinny streets, small houses surrounded by stone > walls. I'd think I was in Ohio if they were chain link instead of > stone. Well, there's also the serious lack of broken appliances in > front yards. Wait, no. In Ohio, the broken appliances are in the BACK > yard. Ryo: A really bad Japanese language joke would be far too easy here. I'm not going to d- Megs: If she was in Ohayo, then she'd still see the sunrise, wouldn't she? Ryo: Sister dear, the mallet. Ryoko: Right! (passes a mallet to Ryo) Megs: Eh? **** WHAM **** > First things first. What the hell happened, where the hell am I, and > how the hell do I get back? Easy enough, I think. This is obviously > some weird hallucination. I've had them before, when I was real ill. > So maybe I'm sick again. I'm probably due for a big illness anyway. Ryo: Yes, she's one sick bi- *** WHAM *** Megs: That's enough outta you. *** WHAM *** Ryo: (flexing knuckles) Lest you forget why I'm the one that does the hitting around here... Megs: Owie! > Yet, I don't feel sick. I don't have a raging fever, I don't have > chills, I feel pretty fuckin' fine. Then it hits me (not literally): > one of those God damned author self insertion things. Just kill me > now. They're all so stupid, people trying to fix everyone up or having > their favorite character fall in love and screwing the author. Whee. > Well, ya know... Megs: Hey, this self-insert thing sounds fun. Ryo: It's the rough equivalent of author masturbation. Megs: Ah... it sonds f- Ryoko: ENOUGH! Kyoko: What's mastur- Ryo: Don't ask. > Nah. I could, but why bother? This is only a fic. I think... > > I hope. Ryo: Indeed. Megs: Aw, we all know Lara's secret fantasy is to join Kuno and his bokken in a long kendo session. Ryo: Usually we're polite enough to not mention it... > Right, OK. I crack my knuckles, popping my wrist too. Rubbing my palms > together, I have to plan things out. Just what do I want to do? I've > already determined that I am no doubt in Japan, Nerima district. I > mean, where else would I end up? Ryo: Hell? Ryoko: Kuno's mansion? Megs: In my bed? Ryo: Yes, that would be hell. Ryoko: Wahaha! Megs: Hey you... > The possibilities are nearly endless. I could do the standard thing > and try to fix everyone's problems, but that might be just a little > too much to handle. Or I could... cause some mischief. ;) Megs: (suavely) Yes, mischief... between the sheets. Ryo: Typical. Megs: What would you have'er do? Some boring crap like murder, I bet. Ryo: What's boring about that? > Tendo dojo. Good enough place to start. But how do I want to work > things? Megs: With a strap-on d- *** WHAM *** Ryo: Ahem. Kyoko: Wha- Ryoko: Don't ask. Kyoko: But I- Ryoko: Don't ask. > I can't just tell everyone how they should act. Ryo: Sure you can. And kill them if they don't follow orders. > I need to either convince them to act like that (not likely), > or use... alternate methods. Megs: With the strap-on d- *** WHAM *** Ryo: ENOUGH. > Damn I could use some help, and I know none of the > inhabitants are going to do it. Megs: ME! ME! MEHELP! HELPYES! Ryo: Stop drooling on the floor. Megs: LARA-SAMAAAAA! *** WHAM *** Ryo: I've never seen him dive into the screen like that. Ryoko: Moron. > Maybe I should just start by meeting my prospective contestants. Or > some of them at least. I bang on the gate and wait for someone to > answer it. > > After a few moments, it opens and I am face to face with Akane Tendo. > She looks a little mad. "What do you want?!" she practically screams > at me. Musta been a fight. > > The second she calls me a gaijin I'm gonna start swinging. But hey, I > can actually understand her. Perfectly. "I'm sorry to be a bother, but > I was informed at the high school that you might have an available > room for someone to stay temporarily." Cool, I can speak it pretty > damn well too. Megs: And that's not all she can do well... > "The high school?" she asks, all confused. Ryo: No, the JSDF, you addle-brained ape woman. > "Yeah. I'm going to be observing classes at Furinkan while I'm here. I > need a place to stay for a couple weeks and the secretary suggested I > come here." Best lie I've ever come up with off the top of my head. > > "Of course. Come right in." Ryo: Proving there's a sucker born every minute. Megs: Sucker? Naw. I'd like to think Akane's just... lonely for some female companionship. Ryo: You need to get out more. > She's not happy, I can tell. Doesn't matter though because she > eventually will be. Megs: Heheheh. Ryo: Get that lecherous smile off yer face. > "This is my older sister Nabiki." > > Nabiki looks at me. I look at her. It appears to be disinterest, but > it's a lot more dangerous than that. > > "Nice to meet you," I say. > > "This is..." Akane looks at me. "I never got your name." She looks > embarrassed. Those silly Japanese people. Like she's a "proper" > Japanese girl anyway. Ryoko: Say... you think Lara's got something against Akane? Ryo: Naaah. > "No problem. Lara Bartram." > > Nabiki is still looking at me. "That name sounds familiar to me," she > says. > > I look back at her. "It's familiar to me too," I say. Megs: Witness the wit and wisdom of the Goddess! Ryo: Getting carried away, aren't we? > She snorts and walks away. Well hey, if you can't take the heat, get > out of the kitchen. > > "Don't mind her. She's always like that." > > I nod. I know. Megs: Ah, the wonderful memories of all those XXX stories Lara had with Nabiki as the star... Ryo: One could speculate that she's got a thing for Nabiki as well as Kuno. Megs: Oh. Hey. That's... an interesting idea. Ryo: Surprised you didn't think of it first. > The rest of the introductions proceed as expected. Ranma turns into a > girl, Genma a panda, Soun cries, Kasumi offers me something to eat and > Happosai eats one scarred elbow making a break for my chest. Great. > Over half the participants in one house. That'll make things > convenient. Megs: Yeah, arranging the One Big Orgy should be easier... > [13 DAYS] > > I hated high school. I hate Japanese high schools more. What a > nightmare. And I had to walk. Fer Christ's sake, what kind of backward > place is this? > > But, I did get a nice perk before classes began. Megs: She had sex? Ryo: Oh sure, right. > I wish I had a camera. Megs: Had sex. Ryoko: Will you stop? > I kinda wish I didn't have to do this to him, but I didn't > want to play favorites. Megs: Ah, about to have sex. *** WHAP *** > Akane introduced me after the fact to her illustrious sempai. That was > OK, I already knew who he was. I just add one more to my list. I think > I might actually be afraid of his sister. If she ever found out some > of the stuff I wrote about her... That's not a pleasant thought. Megs: About to have sex with Kuno? Ryo: Put those earmuffs on Kyoko-chan, ne? Ryoko: Righto. Kyoko: What? NO! NO FAIR! WAH! > The last three I don't want to deal with because they're all so > annoying, but boy do I want to get them good. That means I wait for my > opportunities. I hate waiting. Megs: An orgy with Kuno? Ryoko: It's aaaaaaall just sex with you, isn't it? Just sex sex sex. Megs: And your point? > It's a bit annoying. I know where stuff is, but I have a hard time > finding my way around. And walking is woefully inefficient. Che. What > a pain in the ass. Really though, these two should be a snap to set > up. They're so damn easy to fool. Ryoko: Kunos? Ryo: Kunos. > I figure starting easy and getting into the swing of things is the way > to go, and it won't get any easier than them. So I hunt my way around > until I finally see that huge-ass house. Wow. > > Now how do I get inside? Hmm. Knocking maybe? So I go to the nearest > gate and knock just like I did at the Tendo's. Then I wonder if I'm in > manga or anime continuity. Will the gate be answered by a ninja that I > get the urge to smack? Will Tatewaki look like he's 25 or 17? Megs: As long as they ain't jailbait. > The gate suddenly flies open and there's Tatewaki, and he looks like > he's 17. Aww... how cute. Anyway, he looks at me (and I start getting > tired of people looking at me like that), and starts talking. Thou > this and didst that... > > I cut him off simply by saying, "I have information concerning your > pig-tailed goddess." Megs: She's a he! Ryoko: *GASP* Ryo: o/~ I know all there is to know... about the crying game...o/~ > He grabs my arm and yanks me inside the gate, slamming it shut. > "Reveal thy information, woman!" Megs: But first, a sex scene, right? > Riiiight. Megs: Woohoo! > "Of course. During my stay at the Tendo domicile, I have > heard the poor pig-tailed girl bemoan her fate. It was during this > time that she called out for you." Megs: Hey! What the- Where's the seeex? > And the tears flow like a river. Megs: Waaaaaaaaaaaaaah! > I had to cut him off again. "In the darkness of the night, I went to > her. Megs: And had- Ryo: No, they didn't have sex! Megs: But- > We made a plan to free her and visit you to break the sorcerer's > hold on her." This I'm whispering so it seems extra secret. Ryo: See? Megs: Doh! > "Oh. Pray tell, what is this plan?" > > "You must..." Megs: screw her till she's sated! > Shit. Megs: No? > I had gone against my original plan. Megs: Which was to fulfil her fantasy of Kuno and his bokken, right? > Time to improvise. Megs: Use a broomstick, right? Ryo: You're not giving up, are you? > "Dress as the sorcerer and wait at a secret location until > she arrives. Only by dressing as the sorcerer can you break the curse; > it is the only way she can get close to you. You must not speak > either. Or turn on the lights. If you do everything as I have said, > she will come willingly into your arms." > > His attention was putty in my hands. Megs: Now put your hands on his- Ryo: AHEM! Kyoko: What's happening?! I can't hear! Wah! > "And where wouldst this secret location be?" > > Why, some gaudy little love hotel in the heart of Tokyo of course. :) Megs: Awriiiiiiiiight, now we talkin! > Now to talk to his sister. Megs: eh? Ryo: Hm? Kyoko: WHAT? WHAT? Ryoko: Oh my. > I agreed to provide the necessary getup for > Tatewaki or he'd probably get it all wrong. And I really want > everything to be just... perfect. Ryo: "Oh my"? Megs: "Oh my" what? Ryoko: I'm not sure yet, but... > "Kodachi," I say when I see her on the street. She looks normal. > Weird. > > "And what do you wish of me, peasant?" Megs: Sex? *** WHAP *** Ryo: Ahem. > At least she's not calling me gaijin. Technically, in comparison with > the Kuno fortune, I am a peasant, so... eh. I've been called worse > things anyway. > > "I have news concerning your love." Ryoko: Whuh-oh. Ryo: What? Ryoko: I'd rather not say till I'm sure, but... > "Ranma-sama? Tell me!" > > Dragging the girl to someplace more secluded, I explain to her the > plan. "He fears that scarlet-haired witch. Whilst I was in the company > of the Tendos, he spoke to me confidentially. He wishes to meet you > away from Nerima." > > "Continue." > > "Unfortunately, to break the bond between your love and the witch, > there is only one way to do it. When you meet him you must dress as > the witch and you must not speak. Only with the complete illusion can > you make Ranma yours." Ryoko: Eeeugh. Megs: What? What? Ryo: Wait a moment... if Kuno is going dressed as... and if Kodachi.... Ryoko: Bingo. Megs: WHAT?! Ryo: Think we should tell him? Ryoko: Nah. Megs: HEY! > Everything is quiet for a bit before Kodachi nods. "Tell me where and > when I must meet my Ranma-sama." > > The important thing is to do things in steps. No one will ever admit > what's happened, so I know I can take my time with them. And Jesus, > this I GOTTA see. Well, the aftermath at least... Um, that didn't > sound right. I gotta see their faces when they walk out of that love > hotel. > > So I set them up in two days at 11 sharp. It was a bit of a pain > supplying them with outfits, but it was one of those necessary evils. > I got a room, one of the expensive ones, told Tatewaki what room he > should be in at 10:30 to prepare for his goddess, and made sure he > understood there was no yelling, poetry, glomping or flowers, lest his > chance to get lucky be ruined. ;) > > [12 DAYS] > > "Miss Hinako, that is a lovely dress you have on. Where did you get > it?" I ask, walking up behind her. Megs: Hinako? Someone inflate her first, please. > She turns with that huge smile on her face, chocolate from the cookies > she was eating around her mouth. "Do you really like it? I got it > from..." > > Gears begin to turn. > > "Akane, how late does Kasumi usually stay up?" Ryo: Bit of a nonexistant segway, wasn't it? Megs: Be not insulting to the mistress! Ryo: ... > "What time? Why?" > > I shrug. "I don't know. I just hear her up late." > > "I'm not really sure. Maybe 11 or 12. I'm usually asleep by the time > she finishes downstairs." > > Well then, that won't be the only thing. Ryo: Eh? Megs: Did you get that? I didn't get that. Ryoko: (shrugs) > "Kasumi, you should try this dress on. It'll look great on you." > > "Why thank you, but I simply couldn't." Ryo: Ah.. a Hinako dress on Kasumi? Megs: It'd be kinda... er... tight, wouldn't it? Ryoko: What, you're not getting off on this idea? Megs: Too close to having an Oedipal complex. No thanks. > "No way. You've got to! Come on, you need to cut loose once in a > while. Get out of those dumpy old aprons and try something different. > Besides, I bet Dr. Tofu would love it." > > She blushes and takes the dress. > > "In fact, I bet he'll be showing up later tonight to see you." I give > her a sly wink and she blushes more. > > "Excuse me, Mr. Tendo, I just wanted to thank you for allowing me to > stay here while I'm in Japan." Ryo: Eh? She's not... Ryoko: It's Bartram. Whadda YOU think? Megs: WHAT are you people talking about? > He does that stupid little laugh. "Well, it was really no problem." > > "As a small token of my appreciation, I'd like to treat you to > dinner." Apparently my reputation for not paying for anything I don't > have to has followed me because I can see he's kind of unsure about > it. "Maybe some loach with sake and beer..." So I've heard that this > loach is good stuff and I kind of want to try it for myself, and I > have a very distinct feeling Soun won't pass up free sake or food. > > "It would be impolite of me to decline your offer. When were you > thinking?" > > Hook, line and sinker, baby. "Tonight actually. If it's not too big of > an inconvenience." > > "Of course not. You're the guest after all." > > Wow. This is so cool. :) Ryoko: Oh my, oh my. This isn't good. Ryo: Seeing a Bartram story in action should be labeled as hazzardous to one's mental health. Megs: Hey man, I'm gonna get REAL irritated if someone doesn't tell me what the heck's going on. Ryo: Deal with it. > "Psst, Kasumi," I whisper to her. > > "Yes?" > > "A little birdie told me the doctor will be over tonight around 11. > You might want to be here to greet him in that dress." > > She blushes a little more and nods. > > "Now, Kasumi," I say quietly still. "You can't be nervous around him. > You have to be relaxed. He's a doctor and he's probably used to > sophisticated women coming on to... I mean, flirting with him. You > need to be cool." > > Kasumi looks at me weird and I can tell she knows what I mean, but not > what to do about it. > > So I whisper, "I think you should maybe try out some sake before he > gets here to calm your nerves." And start her smelling like a paint > thinner factory. > > Kasumi shakes her head, but she kinda has this thoughtful look on her > face. > > Cha ching. Ryo: Let's see... Kasumi at... and Soun at.... aaaaaaaaaaagh. Ryoko: What I was afraid of. Megs: What? What? Ryoko: He's absolutely clueless, isn't he? Ryo: Tell me something new. Megs: HEY! > *** > > Damn it. She was looking at me again. "It's not polite to stare," I > say. > > "I don't trust Americans, and I don't trust you." > > "That's cool. I wouldn't trust me either." I smile at her, but I can > feel one eyebrow arch subconsciously. I've just presented her with my > 'I'm about to do something bad' look. > > I don't know if bad was quite the right word. Megs: And now we have the sex? Ryo: Don't hold your breath. > "Mr. Tendo, you look very nice." I have to compliment because he's not > in that raggy old gi for once. > > I'm not exactly a fashion plate, but I'm acceptable enough. He looks > like he could be my father anyway... sorta. "Are we ready?" I ask all > innocent like. Playing innocent was one thing I was good at. > > Soun nods. Megs: Now wait a sec... if Kasumi... Ryo: Three... > Good thing I mysteriously had a wad of money big enough to choke a > horse with. > > I help Soun stagger home. He smells like a gallon of paint thinner. > Talk about stank. We get back to the dojo and it's about 10 minutes to > 11. I keep him outside for 5 minutes or so, and thankfully he's so > drunk, he's not singing or making noise... He's just about passed out > in fact. Megs: And then Soun... Ryo: Two... > "Come on, Mr. Tendo," I say, dragging him toward the door. "I think > you've got a visitor." > > He says something all slurry that I can't understand, so I push the > subject. "I think it might be Miss Hinako. It kind of looks like her > dress." Feh, he's so drunk, he won't know how I know it looks like her > dress even though we're outside. "She's pretty tall for being > Japanese," I add so he knows she's in her adult form. :) > > He mumbles something else, but makes like he wants the door open. Aha. Megs: But they... Ryo: One... > "Yeah, I think you should just go on in there and... you know. She > obviously likes you. I think this is what she's been waiting for all > this time..." > > Soun breaks from my hold on him nearly busts through the door. I > didn't notice before that the suit he's wearing kinda looks like the > one Tofu wears at the end of the OAVs. Megs: Eeeeewwwwwww! Ryo: Ladies and gentlemen, we have comprehension. > This is where I make my exit. Fast. Megs: Wah! She doesn't even balance it out by joining in! > [11 DAYS] > > OK, so who's next? Maybe... heh. This'll be a little tougher as > Cologne is one seriously old nut to break, but I'll get her. And her > little purple-haired bimbo of a granddaughter too. > > The Nekohanten it is. I just need to have a conversation with Shampoo > alone. If Mousse hears me, he'll ruin it. And I don't even want to > think about it if Cologne were to hear what I planned on telling > Shamps. Megs: Shampoo, mmm, bimbo-licious. Ryo: Wait... if Lara did Kasumi and Soun... then... ALL (except Kyoko): AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH! Kyoko: What?! What?! TAKE OFF THE BLINDFOND AN'EARMUFFS!! > Hmm. If I can get her to deliver some ramen, that'll work. But I can't > do it from the Tendo's, and I don't want to be around there too much > considering the previous night's... events. Poor Soun. I'm sure he > doesn't remember a damn thing. I should have stayed to see what > happened, but I had gotten a little spooked. A little.. Ryoko: You should, you pervert! > Park, public phone, picnic... That'll pass. So once I'm at the park, > or close by, I find a phone and call the Cat Hair Cafe. > > That dried up old turkey liver answers. Megs: "Strong in the force is this one! Mmm!" Ryo: Enough with the Yoda impressions. Ryoko: What's Yoda got to do with this? Megs: Well... little, old, wrinkled, etc.... Ryoko: Ah. > "Yeah, I'd like an order of deluxe, um, pork ramen delivered. I'm at > the park and decided on a picnic lunch. I hear you've got the best > ramen in town." Megs: She said "pork"... huhuhuh *** WHAP *** Ryo: Enough, Butthead. > I don't make sucking up a practice, but I know how to > do it. Megs: LARA-SAMAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Ryo: She didn't mean THAT kind of sucking up. Megs: But I bet she- *** WHAP *** > "Your order will be there in a few minutes." Megs: Ah. A quickie. > "Thanks." I hang up the phone. "Ya wrinkled up brainwashing old bat." > > I go to wait for Shamps to show up on her bike, then I can have that > little talk. I just hope she believes me; I wonder if the bond of > sisterhood is strong enough that she'll actually believe me... Never > know until you try. :) > > A few minutes later (damn they were quick), here comes Shampoo, > toodling away on her bike. I raise my hand to get her attention and > let her know the order's for me. She pulls up, that big smile on her > face. She looks extra vacant today. > > "Ramen cost 500 yen please," she says. > > She doesn't sound nearly as stupid as I thought she would. I pass her > the money and take the food before I ask, "Have you managed to marry > that Ranma guy yet?" > > I thought she might be a little suspicious, someone asking her this > out of nowhere, but nope. She just looks kind of sad, but determined. > "Airen not see that Shampoo better wife than violent girl. Not yet." Megs: o/~ I'm a lonely girl, so lonely girl! o/~ Ryo: Megs joining DoCo, yes, that's likely. Megs: Hey, a man can dream, can't he? > I nod with mock sympathy, then I get this insanely exaggerated look of > thought on my face. "But you're joku... Megs: ... matte? Ryoko: Bzzzt. Ryo: That would be 'chotto matte' Megs: Hey, I misheard. So sue me. > joko... Megs: ... latte? Ryoko: Bzzt. Ryo: Hadn't had your morning coffee, eh? > a Chinese Amazon, right?" I ask. Ryoko: *BABING* That's right, Lara! Tell'em what she's won! Ryo: A four week vacation in- Megs: MY BED! *** WHAP *** Ryo: Don't cut in on my comedy skits again. > Shamps nods. Ryo: And I'm sure I heard something rattling in there. > "Why don't you just use the secret technique of Amazon reluctant > husband seduction?" I say nonchalantly while inspecting the ramen. > > "What? How you know about Amazon secret techniques?" Megs: Of course the sex goddess of the universe knows it! Ryo: Ah... > Oh shit. Did I just stumble on a real technique? "Uh..." Megs: She didn't know? Ryo: Don't feel too bad. > "Shampoo never hear of that technique. How you know about it?" > > Phew. I think I just dodged a bullet or two there. "Well." Ah shit. > "That's not important. The important thing is why you haven't used it > if you love him." > > Shampoo looks as thoughtful as she can while she considers what I > said. > > "I bet your grandmother could tell you. She's an elder, right?" Ryo: She's an elder. Mt. Everest is tall. Space is big. Ryoko: Heh. Ryo: Ryouga is stupid. *** WHAP *** Ryo: HEY! > Shampoo nods and looks at me. "How you know?" > > Easy one there. "I heard Mousse talking about it." > > Shampoo starts swearing in Chinese. I hear Mousse's name mentioned a > couple times and know that things are working. Ryo: o/~ MousseMousseMousseMousse, MousseMousseMousseMousse, MousseMousseMousseMousse-MousseMousseMousseMousse o/~ *** WHAP *** Ryoko: SNAP OUTTA IT! Ryo: Sorry, I fell asleep listening to that 'meow mix' cat food jingle... > "I mean, that'd work on Ranma right?" I ask innocently. > > "Shampoo guess so. But great-grandmother never mention this > technique..." > > "Maybe she knows how potent it is. She's probably afraid of you > hurting yourself or something. You know how over-protective > grandparents can be." Ryo: *YAAAAAAAWN* Ryoko: Never did care for Shampoo scenes either. Megs: 'cept when she gets nekkid. Ryo: What a surprise. Megs: An'even then, the lack of brain cells is kind of a turnoff. > Shampoo nods. "Maybe I ask." > > "You could. You can probably find all sorts of stuff like that on the > internet too. I can't believe no one else has anything like that > floating around. Maybe if you practiced a little, then demonstrated it > to your grandmother, she'd be convinced enough to show you." This > would be tough, and I think I'll probably be running for my life after > it happens, but how can I pass it up? Megs: She's really gonna go for it. Ryoko: Ayep. Ryo: Uuuuuugh. Kyoko: HEY! BLINDFOLD! EARPLUGS! OFF! NOW! Ryo: You think we should? Ryoko: Nah. With a Bartram story, you never know when the rampant sex is gonna start. Megs: True, so true. > "Not bad idea. Great-grandmother always say Shampoo must be strong to > get strong husband. If I beat great-grandmother, she teach me new > techniques to get airen with." > > She was thinking aloud, not that I'm all that surprised. She probably > tries to read the words when they come out of her mouth. Ryo: No, she's just enjoying the echo reverberating from within her skull. > But my good deed is done, and I thank her and watch her ride away. Oh > boy, this is really fun. ;) > > Oh shit. It's like 5 and I have to get ready. I have a date to observe > this evening. So I need to rent a tiny camera and set it up in a > certain love motel room. I know the grin I've got on my face is crazy, > but this is too fuckin' funny. > > I notice that when I'm done, my wad of cash is smaller than before, > but I'm sure I can call on my author powers to rectify that. Ryoko: Author powers? Ryo: Hrm.... sounds like a magical girl thing. Megs: Lara inna sailor fuku... aaaaaah *** WHAP *** Ryo: If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times, don't drool on my shoe. > So I find a cozy place outside that hotel at approximately 10:15 > and prepare to be waiting for a while, spare camera in hand. Megs: Eh? I've lost track of things. What's going on? Ryo: Just wait for it. > I am very glad I slept in late that morning, because it's approaching > sunup and I haven't seen those two lovebirds exit the hotel yet. I > really need some sleep... Oh, thank God, here they come. I get my > camera ready, though they've been in there way too long for this to be > a surprise to them. Megs: Um... Ryoko: I don't even wanna talk about it. Ryo: Good choice. > And as I watch them, they walk away slowly, calmly, and that's a lot > more frightening than anything else. Damn, I gotta get that tape out > of there. > > [10 DAYS] > > Okay, two and a half reluctant couples... ah crap, I forgot about > Nabiki. Fine, she's as easy to manipulate as she thinks everyone else > is. But I need something she won't pass up on. If she doesn't think > it's worth her time, she won't do it. Ryo: And what's this in reference to? Megs: Sex. Ryo: Ah... you're probably right. > Money. It always comes down to that, but I don't have enough to make > it worth her while. I stare at the video tape in front of me, trying > to think of something that will be absolutely irresistible to her. Megs: Well, the mistress Lara is the embodiment of anime sex fantasies, so if she presents herself to Nabs... Ryo: You _really_ think highly of her, don't you? Megs: The Mistress is my goddess. > My brain needs a rest. It just refuses to think any longer, and I > STILL haven't had any sleep. Now I've got that goofy sleep-deprived > grin on my face. I try to look serious for a moment. Yes, I must watch > this tape to make sure the picture quality is good. That's it. I can't > hold that serious look and start smiling again. > > Yeah, I'm a pervert. Megs: DON'T EVER CHANGE! > No one's sued me for it yet. ;) > > I can't say where I am. I don't want anyone to find me, and especially > not when I'm about to look at this tape. I giggle guiltily. I'm so > bad. I push play after rewinding it, and it begins. Ryo: Er... does this tape... > I have to blink rapidly for several seconds because my eyes are > getting dried out. And I really need some water or something. And when > did it get so warm in here? Holy shit, I think they liked it. I > suppose that's not a surprise, but damn. Damn. Double damn. I mean, > holy shit. Ryo: Whoa! Ryoko: EEEW! Megs: Ah.... > There was a moment in the tape where they each start actually... ahem, > reaching their peaks, and that's when Tatewaki started. I guess he > couldn't hold it back any longer and started yelling out for his > pig-tailed goddess, and Kodachi... She wasn't any better, screaming > out for Ranma-sama. Ryoko: Bit of a 'Black and Blue' flashback, eh? Ryo: Wasn't that also a Bartram? Megs: Yip. > Oh, oh boy. These were the Kuno siblings, and they weren't about to > stop until they were done. Or maybe they just didn't notice. Either > way, it wasn't until they were relaxing in the afterglow that it hit > them. > > "Pig-tailed goddess?" > > "Ranma-sama?" Ryoko: Whuh-oh. Ryo: Alas, the morning after effect, but much sooner and far more harsh. > I bust out laughing as the two puzzled through what had just happened. > They weren't happy at all about the fact that they had just been > boffing each other, jumping to the completely wrong conclusion, > thinking the sorcerer and the witch had sabotaged their meetings... > What a riot! > > But then, Lord help me, it went something like this: > > "Tatchi..." > > My eyes bug out. Ryo: EEK! Ryoko: EW! Megs: Oh my. > "Kotchi..." > > They bug out more. Megs: Ara... Ryo: Um... Ryoko: Er... > The rest is unmentionable, though there were no more mentions of the > pig-tailed goddess or Ranma-sama. ;) > > Sleep is needed. Oh boy, I finally had what Nabiki would want if only > for the blackmail material. Anything else, I don't want to think > about. I'll take care of her later, Megs: With sex, right? Ryoko: Has she done ANYONE in the story yet? Megs: Well... no. Ryoko: What makes you think that'll change? Megs: Hey, hope springs eternal. > probably after she gets home from school. Megs: With sex? Ryoko: I give up. > *** > > Funny, I hadn't seen Soun or Kasumi at all. But that's fine because I > can manage to fix my own food. I'm making a snack when Nabiki gets > home. "Hungry?" I ask when she walks into the kitchen. > > Her stares don't bother me now because this is gonna be so much fun. > She doesn't say anything, just giving me a dirty look. > > "I've got something I want to show you," I say, still working on the > food. "And then, I suppose I have a... proposition for you." > > "Proposition?" Megs: "Why yes, Nabiki-chan. I know this nice hotel..." > "Yeah. We need to go someplace a little more private though. I don't > want anyone walking in. And a VCR. Need one of those too. Just after > my food is done." Megs: SEX! SEX! SEX! Ryo: Hate to disappoint you, but it's obvious she's going to offer that tape of the Kuno pair. Megs: ... I still cling to hope. > "So why are you here?" Nabiki asks. So much for small talk. > > "Wish I knew. Really." I slurp my soup as Nabiki stares. God damn it. > > "So what do you want then?" > > "First, I want you to watch this teaser I... obtained." I pop the tape > in the VCR and hit play. I watch Nabiki's face as the picture comes > up. At first, she's her usual self, but when she sees exactly what's > going on and who's involved... Heh. > > "Is that..." > > "You betcher ass it is. And you thought they were fucked up before..." > I pause the tape. > > Nabiki manages to stop staring at the TV to look back at me. "Who the > hell are you?" she asks. Megs: Lara Bartram, your new mistress! Wahahhahaha! > "Just me. And now, here's my proposition. That tape was only five > minutes of... a lot of hours. I know how you operate; that tape is all > yours, plus a hefty cash bonus, if you manage to meet my challenge." I > smile a little. Megs: Drat. No sex. Ryo: Told you so. > She smirks. "How original. And if I lose?" > > Oh good. She IS interested. But I knew she would be. SEVEN HOURS! How > could someone NOT be? Pulling myself together, I say, "If you lose, > it's simple. All you have to do is seduce Akane." > > Hey, it's someone else's turn to have their eyes bug out. "Sed... > Akane?" Megs: Ha! Sex! Ryo: But not with Lara in it. Megs: Take what I can get. > I nod, and finally smile something fiercely huge and smug. "Yep. You > put your best moves on your little sister, you take advantage of your > little sister." Now I point at the TV screen, which is paused in a > very interesting spot. "You do all the things you fantasized about > Kuno doing to you to your little sister." Kuno, Ranma, whoever, as > long as she gets my point. Megs: And then Lara joins in? Ryoko: Ryo? Mallet. Ryo: Right. *** WHAM *** > "Now, if you're too afraid of losing, that's fine. I realize how... > scared you might be. And that tape... I could imagine the mileage > you'd get out of it, the money you'd get out of the Kuno family > coffers..." So sweet... "It's a very simple challenge. A simple game > is all." > > Amazingly, Nabiki recovers a lot quicker than anyone I would've > figured to after the two bombs I dropped. "Be more specific." > > I shrug, still smiling. "What's your favorite board game?" The answer > I would have assumed would be Monopoly. I have never liked Monopoly. > > "Monopoly," she says, and I smirk. > > "Well, this game is quite similar to Monopoly. So what do you think? > It's either your gain or... Akane's gain." I wouldn't call the smile I > gave her evil, but I bet some people would. > > "Agreed." What a laugh. She's just as prideful as the rest of them, > just in a different manner. "Now what's the game?" she asks. > > "Let me get it and show you." Author powers kick ass because when I > leave the room and go to the room they had been letting me stay in, > there's the game. I grab it and go to show Nabiki. Something tells me > she won't be happy. Megs: Author powers are cool. > I hold up the green box for her to see and she nearly pulls a > facefault. I look at her then the front of the box to make sure I have > the right one. Yep, that's it. 'Go For Broke' is the game I had picked > for us to play. > > I sit down as she's recovering. "See, what I like about this game is > that it's different. The object is to LOSE all your money, not have > more than the other players." She does that facefault thing again and > it looks painful. > > And so it starts, and it takes forever it seems like. I should have > remembered how long it took to play this game. But I have the upper > hand because I have experience in playing the game and I keep my goals > in focus. In this case, getting $1 million is not a good thing. > > Things progress with Nabiki not ever quite able to get rid of the last > of her money. On the other hand, my cash supply is dwindling and soon > enough is gone. I am the victor. Heh heh heh. Megs: The Diabolical Plot of Dr. Lara BarTram. Ryo: Shouldn't that be "Fu Manchu?" Megs: Well, in this case.... > Nabiki looks like she might fall over and die right there. So I decide > to be generous. "I'll give you a second chance. You answer my question > and I'll give you the money and the tape." > > She looks at me with murder in her eyes and nods. > > "Good good. Describe, in detail..." I say this next part in English, > slipping the two rings off my right hand. "A hurts donut." Ryo: Haven't heard that one. Ryoko: Nor I. Megs: An erotic toy, mebbe? > I can see she's trying to recall what kind of pastry that is. "There > is no such thing," she says finally, though she's not really sure. > > I stand up and Nabiki does likewise. "Sorry, you're wrong," I say > quietly. I cock my arm back and drive it forward right into her nice > tender shoulder. I hurt my fist, but not nearly as much as her > shoulder as she spins around and wipes out on her desk. > > I stand over her, and with a huge grin say, in English, "Hurts, don't > it?" Ryo: Ouch. That was painful. Ryoko: The punch? Ryo: No, the joke. > Hoo boy. I have never seen someone look soooo pissed. ;) > > [9 DAYS] > > "I'm ho..." > > The pan makes a weird clonk sound when it connects with Ranma's head. > I expected a bong, or clang, or clank or something, but no. Clonk. > I've never heard a clonk before. Maybe that means I hit him just > right. I sure hope so because I don't want to be on his bad side. > > I drag him away, outside where no one can see and go to fetch some hot > water. Don't want the poor girl waking up and having a heart attack, > do I now? > > "Are you OK?" I ask Ranko as she opens her eyes. I hope it's a she. > Please let it be Ranko... Please let it be Ranko... Megs: Eh? > "Oh my," she says, putting her hand to her head. "What happened?" She > looks around, fluttering her eyelashes. > > I celebrate inside; it's Ranko. It worked. Megs: Oh. That. Ryoko: Y'look disappointed. Megs: Sure, Ranma's cute as a girl, but still... s'a guy. Can't get worked up over that. > "You got a nasty bump. Looked pretty serious. How do you feel?" I ask > her, helping her to sit up. Megs: o/~ I'm a bitch, I'm lover, I'm a child, I'm a mother! o/~ > "F... fine." She sounds real nervous. > > "Is there something else wrong?" I ask. > > She looks at me and asks, "Who are you?" Megs: o/~ Whoooooooooo are you? Who-who? Who-who? o/~ > Amnesia. That can only assist me. > > "I'm just a guest at this house where you're staying." Heck, it's even > the truth. > > "Oh." Still she's looking confused. I have to get her out of view > before people start blabbing. > > "Come on, Ranko, why don't you just lay down in your room." > > "Sure..." > > I shut Ranko safely up in her room Megs: And have sex? Ryo: Ha! > and move on to Genma. Megs/Ryo/Ryoko: EEEEEEEEEW! > I'm still not totally sure what I'm going to do with him. Megs: Anything but sex! > I mean, he'd probably toss his cookies if I suggested that > he should... Well, feh. Ryoko: We'll toss ours if we have to see that round mound do the wild thing. > "Um..." > > I turn and see Ranko there, looking very embarrassed and > uncomfortable. "What is it? You should be laying down!" > I say, looking around and hoping no one else has seen her. Megs: Layin'down... with Lara. > "Well, I wanted to change into some different clothes, but > all I could find were a bunch of boys clothing..." > > Oh right. Damn it... Or maybe not. I think that's it.Normally,doing > something like this would need the cooperation of Ranma, and trying to > get him to lie effectively is nigh impossible. But Ranko, she doesn't > need to lie. She won't look uncomfortable in a dress, or lose her > balance in high heels, and she'll most likely want to change her > hair... Possibly even color it or highlight it. > > "Right. I'll get you some more appropriate clothes. You just go back > and rest for now." Oh yeah, I'll have her set up and good. > > The cash is getting very low. Hopefully this is the last time I'll > need it, but I save myself about 1000 yen just in case. I look at what > I've just traded everything but that 1000 yen away for. Coupons. A lot > of them. For an all you can eat surf and turf buffet. No expiration > date. > > "Yo, Mr. Saotome," I say when I saw him waddling by in panda form. "I > wanna talk to you about something." > > "Gawr rawf?" Megs: "Mr. Saotome... are there some days when you have that not-so-fresh feeling?" Ryo: "Why yes. That is when I use the Anything Goes Secret Technique of P-" *** WHAP *** WHAP *** Ryoko: IDIOTS! > "It'll only take a couple seconds. I'm sure you'll find it worth your > while." Come on, you stupid putz... Megs: Y'know, if I didn't know better, I'd think Lara was coming on to 'ol Genma. Ryoko: Ewww. > He nods and comes over to listen to what I have to say. "Look, I know > this girl, we just met the other day, and well... I was hoping you > could do something for her." Megs: (raising an eyebrow) Ranma and Genma? Ryoko: Yep. Ryo: She seems to be on this incest streak. You don't think... Megs: HOW DARE YOU ACCUSE THE HIGH AND MIGHTY MISTRESS OF SUCH A DEED! Ryo: As if you wouldn't want to watch. Megs: Well... maybe. > He whips one of those signs out that says Ryo: {Snapple!} Ryoko: {Obey your thirst. Drink Sprite.} Megs: {Yes, I AM glad to see you.} > {Like what?} Ryo/Ryoko/Megs: Dud. Kyoko: Zzzzzzzz Ryoko: Aw, the kid fell asleep. Should I- Ryo: NO. > "It's kinda delicate, you know? She's a... she hasn't... She's pure, > and she wants a man to show her the ways, if you know what I mean." > > He gives me this blank look, but realization begins to dawn on him. He > pulls out another sign. {I'm a married man!} > > "Man, eh? Well, this girl wants you to do her a service, not marry > her." > > {I couldn't possibly break my marital vows.} the sign says. > > "She did say to give you these if you agreed, but since you won't..." > I made sure he saw the coupons, saw how many there were, and started > to walk away. "I guess I'll just have to burn these." > > {Now just hold it a second...} > > He flips the sign over. {Maybe we can work something out...} Ryo/Ryoko/Megs: Ugh. > [8 DAYS] > > Now where is that stupid cow? I need that schmuck to complete my > plans. Or maybe I should take care of Happosai first... He might > actually be the easier of the two. Hmm. Yes, I think him first. And > that entails a trip to the Cat Hair Cafe. I hope I don't interrupt > anything. :) Ryo: Amazons? Megs: Boooooooooooring! Next! > The sign says it's closed. That's pretty weird since the place should > be open right now. I peer through the door, trying to see inside, but > all is dark. Megs: BOO! Ryoko: AAAAAAH! Megs: Heheh- *** WHAM *** WHAM *** WHAM *** Megs: -owww... > I try the handle and find it unlocked. This'll make things easier. > Guess they're a lot more trusting in China about leaving their doors > unlocked. > > I go into the restaurant and it's quiet except for some quiet quacking > from Mousse locked in his cage in back someplace. Well then, this'll > be easier than I thought. I go back into the kitchen and look over the > shelves of spices and herbs and all that other crap. Megs/Ryo/Ryoko: Mmmmmm, herbs and spices.... aaaaaaug (drool) > One thing in particular I'm looking for, but anything else that would > cause trouble would be OK too. Aha. That anti-woman stuff. Perfect. > > Strangely enough, a cask on the counter practically screams to be > looked at. Lo and behold, a cask of water from the infamous spring of > drowned girl. I look at the cask of water and try to generate some > possibilities. Then the two bottles catch my eye. > > Knowing kanji, I can see that one is either chicken beaks and sewage > water or passion spice. Why the hell would they just leave passion > spice sitting around? How incredibly stupid can you be? But the little > bottle next to it is even better. Hate herbs. I slap my forehead. > Shamps probably OD'd on spices since they're all sitting next together > like that... Damn, probably half of Nerima was hopped up on some weird > combination of Chinese spices and herbs. Megs: o/~ Mellow yellooooow o/~ > I stop suddenly, my eyes fixed on the passion spice. I look at it, > then at the cask. I look at the passion spice again, then the cask of > water. I toss away the anti-woman stuff and grab the girl water. > This'll be a lot more fun! Megs: Lara having lesbian sex with Kuno? Ryoko: Y- Megs: NO! I'm NOT giving up hope! > I hold the bottle of passion spice up to see how much is there, to see > how much I can use safely. Enough, and when I get ready to leave, I > notice some similar looking powder on the counter. Oh no, I don't even > want to think about it. I shudder. Pocketing the stuff I borrowed, I > leave the kitchen, and then I hear it. And I wish I didn't. > > It's Chinese. One young sounding female voice, and one *shudder* older > voice that if I didn't know, I wouldn't know if it was male of female. > That is my cue to get the fuck out of here before my brain turns to > stone or something. Ryo: Pardon me whilst I... I... *BLEEEEEEEEEEEECH* Ryoko: Ugh, oh, I've just lost my appetite! Megs: Aaaarg, I need to see a therapist. Ryoko: No, really? Megs: I found that small snippet... somewhat stimulating. Ryoko: Ewwwww! > Rushing out, I'm missing one element to this plan. Damn it, where is > that cow-boy? He better show up soon or everything will be ruined. > > So I'm jogging back to the dojo when I see the Kunos, and at the last > minute hide in a doorway. I don't want to take any chances with them. > I plaster myself to the wall and hold my breath as they walk past. Not > a single glance is given in my direction. > > They walk away and I watch them, and if I'm lying, I'm dying when I > say they held hands at one point. > > I shiver involuntarily and head back to the dojo. That was very... > weird. I wonder if anyone else knows about it? Ryoko: "Black and Blue" flashback indeed. Megs: I think that, deep down inside, Lara really wants to get it on with Kuno AND Kodachi. > *** > > It's dark, night out. I'm sitting downstairs with Akane and Nabiki, > and we're all watching TV. I'm barely paying attention really; I'm > pretty beat. The last week has been quite... active for me and I > haven't slept very well. > > I offer the bowl of popcorn I've been munching on to Akane, who takes > it gratefully. She happily begins eating, and all is well with the > world. > > "Hey, Nabiki, how much you wanna bet the Kunos are enjoying each > other's company?" I ask, smiling darkly. Megs: How's that rhyme again? "Incest is the best, put your sister to the test"? Ryoko: IF YOU DARE TOUCH ME I'LL KILL YA! Megs: Hey! I didn't mean it like that! > She looks at me blankly. "Nothing." Ryoko: Pervert! *** WHAP *** Megs: Ow! CUT IT OUT! Ryo: (Whistles innocently) > Akane looks at Nabiki and she's surprised. It would be to someone who > didn't know the things Nabiki and I knew about those crazy Kunos. > Akane turns her attention back to the TV when she sees how grumpy > looking her older sister is. > > I know exactly what Nabiki's thinking and all I do is gesture at Akane > with my head, still smiling. > > Nabiki scowls at me and I can feel the ice in the room. It doesn't > manage to lessen my smile though. Ryoko: Oh my. Ryo: Speaking of "sister to the test"... Megs: ... Ryo: What? Megs: Oh, sure. YOU say it and it's fine. I say it and it's mallet time. Ryo: What can I say? You're more deserving. > She maintains her look for a bit before I see her lose that edge. This > is it! Not that I'm gonna watch or anything. That's not really my > thing. > > Nabiki scoots over to sit next to Akane. I think she's sitting a > little closer than most sisters would, but Nabiki's smart. "Can I > share that popcorn, Akane?" she asks. > > Akane doesn't seem to notice that Nabiki is sitting a lot closer than > she should be. "Sure!" She sets the bowl where Nabiki can easily reach > it and continues watching TV. > > The girl is thick. There's no way around it. She's nice enough and > all, but she seems to have that same problem about not seeing reality > very well. > > I fake a yawn. "Well, I think I'll be heading up to bed. G'night," I > say, standing up and stretching. > > "Good night," Akane says. > > Nabiki glares at me and I wink at her. > > I silently mouth 'good luck' and start to walk away. I look back in > time to see Nabiki put her arm around Akane like they're on a date. I > really want to stay and at least see if things get going, but I'm so > tired, I can't stop yawning. Beddy bye for me. Ryoko: Jeez. They coulda called this one 'Incest-icide'. > [7 DAYS] > > I come downstairs, feeling half-dead. I always feel that way in the > morning no matter how much sleep I get. No matter how dead I feel... > Nabiki looks ten times worse. > > "Good morning, sunshine," I say to her and manage to crack a smile. > > Woo hoo hoo. She IS mad. "It wasn't that bad was it?" I ask. > > She only glares at me and then rolls up her sleeve so I can see her > arm. There's a nasty looking bruise blooming in 5 colors there. Ouch. > > "Akane did that?" I say looking at the bruise. > > She nods. Megs: o/~ Sometimes I feel I've got to - o/~ Ryoko/Ryo: o/~ DAA-DAA o/~ Megs: o/~ Run away, I've got to - o/~ Ryoko/Ryo: o/~ DAA-DAA o/~ Megs: o/~ Get away, from the pain you driiiive into the heart of me! o/~ > "Your little sister is one kinky girl," I say almost under my breath. > "What about your shoulder?" > > She rolls up her other sleeve and reveals a bruise about the size of a > grapefruit. That looks like it musta REALLY hurt when it happened. > Heh. Whoops. Wait, half my face had been seven colors way back when I > had surgery over my eye. A little soft spot on her shoulder isn't > going to hurt. > > "Hey," I say, trying to put a good spin on things, "at least I didn't > hit ON you." > > She turns away in disgust to head to the bathroom and the light > reflects off the shiny, poofy flesh under her eye. > > I'm about to say something when Akane comes skipping down the stairs. > She's smiling and she looks happy, and oh no, I don't wanna think > about it... Megs: o/~ Hey little sister, what have you done? o/~ o/~ Hey little sister who's the only one? o/~ o/~ Hey little sister who's your superman? o/~ o/~ Hey little sister who's the one you want? o/~ Ryo: Who is... Billy Idol? Ryoko: BINGO! > All I can say is the sooner I'm out of here, the better. > > "How'd you sleep?" I ask her. > > "Great!" She looks at Nabiki's back, then back at me when Nabiki shuts > the bathroom door. Ryoko: I think she's radiating an AI field. Ryo: AI field? Don't you mean AT field? As in the Evangelion thing? Ryoko: Nonono. AI field. Megs: Absolute Incest? Ryoko: Bing. > I pretend I don't notice those silly looks she's giving her sister and > begin eating. I suppose it really was Akane's gain since she seems > even happier than the Kunos about things. I don't think I'll ever > figure people out; they're just too weird. > > "So, what do you think you'll be doing tonight?" I ask out of > curiosity. It appears that I've totally turned Nerima upside down > because the place is just so quiet. > > Akane shrugs, glancing towards the bathroom every once in a bit. > "Nothing probably. I don't think Nabiki's doing anything tonight; > maybe I'll stay home and rent a movie to watch with her." > > I bet. :) Megs: Watch a movie, make a movie, etc... > *** > > Is it luck or something else? I don't know, but I'm not questioning it > either. It just seems that stuff is falling into place, and that helps > me. > > And the most unpredictable piece has fallen into place. Not that I was > really planning anything that involved him, but this would just be > funny. > > "Hey! Hold up!" I have to jog to catch up with him. "Hey there, would > you mind if I took you out to lunch?" > > "Who are you?" he asks, completely befuddled. Typical. Moron. Ryo: Must be Ryouga. Ryoko: Shut up! > "I'm a friend of Akane's." This was more true than I had ever really > considered, even if Akane wasn't aware of it. > > "Akane..." Right away he spaces out. Wow, this'll make things easier > than I thought. > > "Come on, retard. Ryo: Definitely Ryouga. Ryoko: Hrmph. > "We're going to Ucchan's," I say and grab his arm, > dragging him away. Megs: At last, some non-incest sex here. > I shove the lifeless husk into chair, making sure his eyes are still > covered by the bandanna. "Service," I say loudly, but not too > impolitely. > > "What'll it be?" Ukyo asks from her spot behind the grill. > > "Two specials," I answer. > > Ukyo looks at me and nods, then at Ryoga. "Did you mention Akane > around him?" she asks. > > "Yep. I was gonna take him out to lunch and he asked who I was. I've > never gotten such a positive reaction from saying I was a friend of > Akane's." > > "Friend of Akane's?" > > "Well, not really, but I'm staying at the Tendo's while I'm here in > Japan. I'll only be here another week." Amazing. Ukyo's actually > personable and friendly. You'd never know the heart of an obssessive- > compulsive psychopath beats in her chest. "The place looks a little > dead," I say, looking around. "Why don't you join us?" Megs: Join them... for sex? Ryoko: ... never mind. > Ukyo looks hesitant, then looks at the absence of customers and > shrugs. "What the hell... Let me finish up your food." > > A few minutes later, Ukyo sits down at the table with three plates of > okonomiyaki. She smiles and she almost looks well-adjusted. "Have you > ever had okonomiyaki before?" she asks. > > "Nope," I answer and begin the task of trying to wake Ryoga up. I > remove the bandanna from his eyes (the problem with doing things by > the seat of your pants - you often do things for no real reason) and > slap him, hard, across the face. "Yo, pig! Wake the hell up!" > > Apparently, the pig thing got to him because his eyes roll back from > up in his head and he looks around. "Where..." > > "My restaurant. Eat up," Ukyo answers, pointing at the okonomiyaki. "I > even left off the pork since you seem to hate it so much." > > Ryoga looks confused, but just goes with the flow and we all start to > eat. > > About half way through the food, I ask, "Hey, Ukyo, do you think you > could go get some drinks? This is a little spicy." > > She laughs a little and says, "Sure." She gets up and goes to get > something to drink. > > I immediately drop my napkin on the floor. "Hey, Ryoga, could you pick > that up for me?" > > He nods and immediately bends down to get it. Of course, the napkin is > down by my feet, so he has to get on his hands and knees under the > table to get it. > > I pull the secret sauce ingredients out and sprinkle some on Ukyo's > and Ryoga's food, then stow them as Ukyo returns with some water. Megs: While the sex aspect is to be expected, I must say this is a rather tame paring by the Mistress' standards. Ryoko: Hrm. You're right. Ryo: Indeed. > "Where's Ryoga?" she asks. > > "Um..." I look under the table and he's disappeared. Damn it, how the > hell does he do that? > > "Where am I!?" Ryoga yells from the other side of the restaurant. and > both Ukyo and I bust out laughing. > > "Thanks for getting my napkin, Ryoga," I say as he returns to the > table. And now my timing is so important... > > Both of them are about to take another bite when I interrupt. "Where's > the restroom?" > > "Over by the grill," Ukyo says, pointing back. > > "Thanks." I get up and walk nonchalantly back there when I really wish > I was running. Megs: Nono, stay around! Ryo: Told you she'd never. Megs: Perhaps she's saving herself for that special someone... Ryoko: Perhaps. Ryo: Or someones... no... wait... she hasn't written group orgy yet. Megs: Or maybe she's saving herself for.... WAIT FOR ME, LARA-SAMAAAAAAAAAAA! Ryoko: Gimmie a break. > I get in the bathroom and close the door. No point in locking it > really. I figure those two could bust it down anyway if they figure > out what I did. I keep waiting to hear some shouting, or threats, or > them marching toward the bathroom, but there's only silence. > > Then all hell breaks loose and I open the door a crack. > > "Get AWAY from me!" Ryoga yells, standing up and knocking his chair > over. Ryoko: GET AWAY FROM HIM, YA HUSSY! > "But Ryo-chan... I LOVE you! I WANT you! I want to feel your fangs > biting my..." Ryo: Hrm. Kinky. > Ryoga cuts her off screaming bloody murder, then fires a ki blast > towards her. > > Ukyo's pretty spry though and springs aside, immediately diving, arm > outstretched, for Ryoga's package. > > Eek. I guess I didn't really predict that this would happen. I just > expected those two to engage in rough and kinky sex or something. > > Ryoga knocks over the table, keeping Ukyo away from him and his little > piggy. "Don't get NEAR me!" He steps back, tripping over his chair. > > "Come 'ere, Ryoga. This'll be fun," Ukyo says, advancing on him, hands > curved into claws. I think she's drooling a little. > > "AHHH! No! Don't touch me! Get away!" Ryoga scrambles to his feet and > takes off out of the restaurant. > > "Get back here!" Ukyo yells after him and follows. > > And there is silence once again. ;) Megs: The mistress Lara... setting up No Sex? Ryo: Yep. Megs: No! Blasphemy! Ryoko: Nope. Megs: NOOOOOOOOOOOO! > [6 DAYS] > > It's the scheduled time for Ranko and Genma. Megs/Ryo/Ryoko: Eewwww. > Yuck that sounds disgusting. Ryoko: No, ya think?! > I have to kinda talk Ranko through this so she knows > everything's going to be OK. She is a virgin, or I assume she is. She > sure acts like one. But it takes some elaborate lie-spinning before I > can convince her that this is the right thing to do. > > Too bad she's not more like her father and I could just wave a stack > of pancakes in front of her face... But that's not very nice. She's a > lot nicer, friendlier, intelligent... Everything that Genma isn't. > > I hand Ranko a cup of warm sake. She doesn't need to be drunk, just a > little loose. > > "OK, Ranko. You remember everything I told you about him, right?" > > Ranko looks nervous about this, but she doesn't need to be. She nods a > little reluctantly. > > "You look great! Your hair looks fabulous; much better than that old > braid. And your makeup is exquisite!" I praise her, relaxing her > somewhat. > > "Don't worry. He'll know. And make sure you say it afterwards. During > and you might scare him away. Men are very sensitive after all." Yeah, > about as sensitive as a dismembered penis. Megs: Bad mental imagery, baaaaaaad mental imagery. > I stop talking because I realize I'm not making any sense to myself, > let alone Ranko. Lack of sleep is catching up with me fast. "Anyway, > Ranko, just know that he loves you, otherwise he wouldn't have taken > care of you all these years, ever since he found you abandoned on the > road side..." What a complete bullshit story. I can't believe she > actually thinks it's true. > > Ranko nods, her eyes wide and shining. Megs: That ain't all s'gonna be wide and shining. > [5 DAYS] > > Still no sign of bovine-boy. Time is running down. I feel real nervous > with that water sitting around, not that it would be a big deal to me, > but someone else might find it and use it. I just want to do this so I > can sit and watch everything explode around me. :) Megs: She'll need an umbrella. Ryoko: What for? Megs: Well, if everyone's gonna be, y'know.. *AHEM* exploding... Ryoko: EWW! > Any more of this waiting and I just might go insane myself and decide > to stay here... I doodle on a piece of paper, unable to hold still for > very long. Oh, I really hate waiting. Megs: Why wait? DO ME NOW, LARA-SAMA! *** WHAP *** Ryoko: Down, boy. Down. > Basically, I stay in my room. I don't want to have any more contact > with the others than I have to. It can't lead to anything good. > > [4 DAYS] > > My first glimpse of him. Man, he looks like an even bigger wuss in > real life than he did in the manga. Ryo: Ryouga again? Ryoko: Hey! > Some intimidating force Pantyhose is. Ryo: Pfeh. Oh, him. Ryoko: You've met? Ryo: Been there, mauled that. > It looks like he borrowed some of Kodachi's eyeshadow for God's > sake. He should probably count himself lucky Happosai didn't name him > Makeup. Ryo: Or Silky Darling... Ryoko: Or Bra-Strap... > But I have more important things to do than make fun of nylon child, Megs: Or that. Score one for Lara-sama. Heheh. > so as he drops by (out of chance, I suppose) I head out to meet him. > > "Hey fem-boy!" he yells from his spot next to the pond. > > Too bad Ranko doesn't respond to the taunts. Yeah, some taunt. I've > heard better ones from 7 year olds. > > Downstairs, I just need to coax Happosai out of his room to set Taro > off. I've got the cask under one arm and hastily mix some of the > passion spice into it. Megs: Taro? Happo? Ewwwwww. Ryo: All they need now os Zippo and Groucho. > I go to Happosai's room and knock on the door. There's a satisfied > call of 'panties!' before the door opens slowly and the little turd > pokes his head out. > > "Happosai, I gotta show you this..." I say. It's the best thing I can > come up with at the moment. > > "Sorry, I've got some panty sorting to do." Ryo: Happosai refusing a woman? Odd. > "Dang, I guess I'll just have to throw all those panties away then," I > say. "I just thought you might..." > > "Where!?" Happosai shoots out of his room like he's got rockets in the > bottom of his feet. > > "Outsi..." I start to say but he's gone. > > Then I hear the two of them and run to see what they're up to, careful > not spill any of the water. > > "You old goat, I'll make you change my name if it's the last thing I > do," Taro threatens. > > "Where's the panties?" Happosai asks, completely ignoring Pantyhose. Megs: "Where's the beef?" Ryo: Actually, if you splash Taro with water... > "Damn it, old man. You can't ignore me!" Taro charges Happosai, his > vaunted patience and quickness no match for Happi, who sidesteps. Taro > flies past Happosai and smashes against a wall. > > Damn it. That's the house they're starting to destroy... > > Taro stands up and shakes his head, getting the cobwebs out. "You've > made a fool out of me for the last time, old man," he says. A weird > flickering light appears around Taro's body. This must be a real > battle aura. > > Huh. Neat trick. But Happi's got his D-cells powered up Ryoko: The Energizer Pervert. Ryo: He keeps on going and going and going and going... > and also has a battle aura. Ryoko: Free with 12 proofs of purchase. > His is a lot more impressive than Pantyhose's. Megs: Wow, Happosai's is bigger? Man, Taro is gonna be real insecure in the sack after- Ryoko: His BATTLE AURA, moron! Not THAT! Megs: ... oh. > Naturally that doesn't keep Taro from charging the little man. > > This time, Happi doesn't dodge Taro when he charges, and there's a > flare of light as their two auras meet. > > Crossing my fingers and knocking on wood, I take the cask on both > hands and fling its contents at the bright light. I then drop the cask > and hide around the corner. > > The light disappears almost immediately and there isn't any shouting > or anything. I peer around the corner and what do I see? A big, stupid > looking cow monster and a short, yet curvy, young girl. And they're > looking at each other dreamily. Lucky for me, they each happened to > swallow some of that passion spice or whatever. > > The mouths of gift horses... don't look into them. :) Ryo: And we are thankful that Lara has shown enough wisdom to NOT show this particular horror show in detail. Ryoko: Amen. > [1 DAY] > > It's a school day. I've got one last thing I feel compelled to do. I > look at the stuff that's left over and know someone can put this to > good use. I scribble out a quick note then hide the little bottles in > Nabiki's room. I just hope she doesn't find them before I'm gone. Megs: Uh? What's in the bottle? What's in the bottle? Ryoko: o/~ Message inna boooooottle o/~ Megs: Ugh. Ryoko What? You don't like the music of The Police? > [0 DAYS - ARMAGEDDON] > > I look upon the destruction and chaos I have wrought. Well, sorta. The > Kunos appear, if not normal, happy. Nabiki's still pissed at me, but > Akane sure seems happier than a bug in a rug. Ranko and Genma... I > just hope they don't run into Nodoka any time soon. Taro and Happosai, > I really don't know. I think Taro was still trying to "convince" Happi > to change his name. I don't know who to feel more sorry for. > > Myself mostly for accidentally picturing those two in my mind. Ryo: Suitable punishment for such a heinous track record. > I still haven't seen Soun and Kasumi since that fateful night. Ryo: Let's- Ryoko: Not- Megs: Go there. Ryo/Ryoko/Megs: Right. (brief pause) Ryoko: You DID mean NOT go there, RIGHT, Megs? Megs: HEY! > Maybe I went overboard with those two, > but since I don't know how they are, > I'll never know. Ryo: Really? You think so? > I actually feel kinda bad about that. But I've done > so much good beside that. ;) Megs: You've done good, you've done bad, now DO ME! Ryo: Dream on. Megs: I intend to. > I mean, I've solved quite a few problems for Ranko and Akane, even if > their engagement is off. Heck, Ryoga and Ukyo have been gone ever > since that day I drugged their food, and with pig-boy's sense of > direction, I'm not sure they'll ever be seen again. Ryo: She could always kill him. Ryoko: I don't think so. Ryo: Or let me kill him. Ryoko: As if you could. Ryo: HEY! > So now that I've done all this, I just have to get back home. It'll be > nice getting back to regular food and everything. It's just not > possible for me to live on seafood and eat soup for breakfast for two > weeks. > > I stand out in the yard and wait. Any moment now, I'll get zapped back > home or something. That's it. I just wait and it'll happen. Juuust > wait. I whistle a little something, not even sure what it is, waiting > for that flash of light to hit me again. OK, any time now... > > "Going somewhere?" Megs: To my bed! Ryo: Any further comment from me or my sister would be redundant. > I look behind me and see Nabiki. She looks a LOT worse for wear. > "Home, hopefully," I answer. > > "Home," she says and sounds bitter. "What about my home?" Megs: You could always shack up with Lara, the luuuuuuv Goddess. > And I know she has a point. Gah. That guilt thing starts to kick in > and I don't feel so happy now. I shrug. "It's too late now. Whatta you > want me to do?" > > She walks toward me, and it's more of a limp. Jesus, Akane. No wonder > she liked Ranma, considering the abuse he could take. Nabiki gets > about 3 feet away and shakes her head. "It's too late. Everything is > ruined." > > This doesn't sound like the Nabiki I'm used to. "What do ya mean? You > should be able to think of some way out of things..." > > She laughs bitterly. "How? You've destroyed everything for me. > Kuno-chan has no interest in either Akane or Ranma any longer. Ryoga > has disappeared along with Ukyo, Ranma's a girl and doesn't fight > anymore, and I haven't seen Kasumi or Dad in over a week." If I didn't > know better, I'd say she's about to cry. > > "So you see, I've lost my most important sources of income, and I now > have my sister intruding on me in the middle of the night. Thanks > loads." > > Okay, she's done it. She's made me feel not just guilty, but very > guilty. I hate that. "Well, I don't know what to tell you. I > suppose..." > > "The Tendo dojo!" > > Oh. Oh no. Oh no, too soon. Oh no, I'm dead. > > Nabiki looks around. "That sounds like Shamp..." Megs: Oh? Curly and Moe oughta be near. Ryo: SHAMP, not SHEMP. > The wall explodes before she can finish her sentence and I'm almost > running before I can register who it is. As I sprint by Nabiki, I toss > her the tape I had made and say, "It was real. Take care of Kuno for > me..." And then I'm running faster than I ever thought I could. > > Oh blessed light, get me the hell out of here! Megs: LARA-SAMAAAA! RUN TO ME! > And almost as I think my time is up and I'm going to get a beachball > on a stick embedded in my head, that light does hit me, and I have > never felt so much like saying 500 Hail Marys. Megs: Except after... Ryo: Yeah yeah, sex. > And maybe I didn't get my tape, but it was all worth the effort and > trouble. Maybe there's something to those SI fics after all... Megs: Yeah, like- Ryoko: Sex, right, okay. Megs: Well I was GONNA say ego-gratification, but since YOU are in such a perverted state of mind... Ryoko: (glares at Megs) Megs: Okay, okay, I was gonna say Sex. > [EPILOGUE] > > "Another back massage, Father?" > > "That would be wonderful, Kasumi." > > Kasumi sat down next to her father in the warm sand. The ocean was > calm as she spread oil on her father's back. She adjusted the white > bikini she was wearing before she started giving him a massage. > > A young island native came up to them and bowed deeply. In his hand he > had a postcard. "Mister, Missus, mail for you." > > "Thank you, Robert," Kasumi said and took the postcard. > > Robert left them as Kasumi began to read. > > "Father, it's from Nabiki and Akane." She showed the card to her > father, who grunted in response. The picture on it was of Mount Fuji. > > > 'Kasumi, Daddy, > > We miss you, but we're all doing fine. We haven't seen > Ranko or Genma for a while, but I suppose they're fine. > We hope you're having a nice time on the islands. Kodachi > managed to teach Akane how to cook! It was amazing! And > even though Kuno-chan still tries to get her in bed, she > won't let him touch her (though she doesn't seem to mind > Kodachi). > > Miss you a lot, call if you need more money... > > Nabiki, Akane, Tatewaki, Kodachi' Megs: *sigh* This fic is like a bad date. Ryoko: How so? Megs: Lots of hinting, lots of promising, but no- Ryo: Sex. Right. Okay. Get some therapy, eh? Kyoko: Zzzzz.... Ryo: Wake up, Kyoko. Kyoko: Mmmm... nng... wha... Ryoko: Show's over, kid. Kyoko: Wha..... HEY! *** WHAP *** WHAP *** WHAP *** WHAP *** WHAP *** WHAP *** -The End- Coming up next on The More Things Read: Mike Loader's, "Bring Me The Head of Ranma Saotome".