From: Thomas_Schauer@ITA.DOC.GOV
Subject:  [FFML] [FF][Ranma][Parody][LEMON] A Real Woman

After reading Doughboy's "A Real Man" story, the idea for the following
story came to my demented mind.  It's essentially a parody of said story,
from a somewhat different perspective.  I am baldly plagiarizing his story
for purposes of this fic, and make no apology for it! :-)  Seriously, though,
I hope he doesn't mind (too much, anyway).  Hope y'all like it.  

WARNING: This story contains frank and rather crude discussion  of
sexual promiscuity and other wrongful behavior.  Parts of it  may be quite
offensive.  You'd better not read it . . . (I even stole this warning directly
from Doughboy.  Boy, am I a jerk!  Actually, I don't know whether this
technically qualifies as a lemon, but I figure, if not, it's close enough).

[LEMON] Ranma 1/2: A Real Woman

I had just about had it.  All this time had passed, and Ranma and I had
never gotten anywhere.  Tonight, however, I had the perfect excuse,
and I went for it all.

You see, Kodachi put some sort of drug into the punch at Ukyou's party. 
It didn't take any mental gymnastics to realize what happened.  Ukyou
had reverted to her boy-act, speaking in a low, gravelly  voice,
challenging all the guys in the room to tests of  strength, and pinching
Azusa's ass.  Mousse cowered in a  corner, crying for his mother to
come and make the monsters go  away.  Ryouga crawled around on all
fours, grunting and  squealing and eating whatever spilled on the floor. 
Shampoo  lost her accent and spoke impeccable Japanese.  Fortunately,
I caught on before I imbibed any of the stuff, but Ranma didn't know that.

It was pretty easy to act like I was under the influence of the drugs. 
First, I acted like a nymphomaniac.  I flirted with all the guys at the party,
blowing kisses and  dancing dirty.  Ranma demanded we leave as soon
as I started doing a striptease for Kuno.  All the way home, I groped him
and tried to kiss him to try to get him in the mood.  He wasn't having any
of it, though.  "Baka!" he scolded.  "You're  high as a kite!  It's Kodachi's
shit talking.  You don't mean  any of this!"  I tried to say no, I love you, I
want you, I'll  be a kawaii wife for you, but it wasn't working.

Well, it was working on one level.  I could tell that my attentions had
Ranma's wandalier standing at attention and I was able to convince
Ranma to take me upstairs to my room.  At last.

I had stripped down to my undergarments, Ranma's eyes as wide as
saucers.  I could tell he liked what he saw and I was loving it.  When I
reached around to unfasten my bra, however, he reached out and
stopped me.  "No Akane," he whispered. "We  can't do this." 

I had to act fast.  I put my hand to his cheek.   "Sweet Ranma.  Don't be
nervous.  It's my first  time, too."  A light breeze blew the through the
window,  parting the curtains and increasing the moonlight that shone on
 the two of us as we stood gazing into each other's eyes.

************************************************

OK, so it was a little white lie.  Of course, Ranma wouldn't know that it
wasn't MY first time.  Thankfully I've been able to keep it from Ranma for
all this  time, but I'm no virgin.  Don't get me wrong: I love Ranma, though I
sometimes have trouble telling him.  I can't explain how he makes me feel.
 It's just that sometimes, I need a little more than he's been willing to
provide.  And of course, Ranma wasn't *always* around...

My first time was with Hikaru Gosunkugi.  Yeah, he looks a little strange,
but he was always nice to me.  At least he wasn't trying to beat me up
like every other boy at school.  This, of course, occurred before Ranma
came into my life.  Unfortunately, Gosunkugi wasn't very good.  I don't
think he was really ready for it.  First of all, he left me in the lurch by
finishing too soon.  But worse, ever since that time, he's acted really
weird, with all this occult stuff and paper dolls and candles on his head
and everything.  He also acts as though its some great favor if I so much
as speak to him.  Geez, you'd think that if I was willing to sleep with him
I'd be willing to talk to him.  Well, it's a shame, but I guess it couldn't be
helped...

My next lover, also a one-shot, was Kunou.  You already know how he
said no one could date me unless they defeated me, blah, blah, blah... 
Well, I thought maybe he wouldn't be so bad, and so long as I couldn't
date anyone else...  It developed, however, that I was in error.  He was
every bit the obnoxious jerk in bed as he was out of it.  I was sore for
days, even though it couldn't have lasted more than thirty seconds.  It's
not that he was all that big, either.  He was just so rough as he pounded
away.    Unfortunately, now that we've done it once, he seems to act as
though he has a right to it.  Fortunately, I can easily rebuff him.  But
Kunou was easily the worst partner I've ever had.

Not at all like Tofu-sensei.  Tofu-sensei is the exact opposite of Kunou, a
very kind and appreciative lover.  In a way, it's too bad that he didn't
realize it was me he made love to.  You see, I had long had a crush on
Tofu-sensei.  Oh, not now, since Ranma's come along.  But I had long
dreamed of Tofu-sensei and me in bed together.  I got my chance one
day when I was at the clinic.  Kasumi came in, and you know how
Tofu-sensei gets whenever Kasumi is around.  As soon as she left I
made my move.  Tofu-sensei hadn't recovered from his exposure to
Kasumi until long after we had finished.  I honestly believe that, to this
day, Tofu-sensei thinks that it was Kasumi that awarded him with her
affections.  It was the first time, though, that I was *completely* satisfied
with the act of lovemaking, if you catch my drift.  I'll never forget it and
will always be thankful for that moment.

I've had others since Ranma's come along, too.  I've been with Ryoga
and Mousse fairly regularly.  It's not so good that I'd consider giving up
Ranma for either one of them, though.  For one thing, Ryoga's a quick
shooter, if you know what I mean, and I think you do.  Sometimes he
comes before I've even touched him.  And as for Mousse, his heart is set
on Shampoo.  I can only do it with him to console him when he's
particularly distressed with his situation.  Not that he's that great, either,
but he's not bad in the sack.

Pantyhose Taro was a little like Kunou, but not as bad.  When he
kidnapped me, we were there alone on that mountain for quite a while
before Ranma came for me.  I hadn't meant to do anything with him, but
one thing kinda lead to another, and well...  Kumon Ryuu was a little
better.  He was pretty cute, though, and, after all, I *was* his fiancee
when he was "Saotome Ranma".  Well, so to speak.  I know I shouldn't
have done it, but I just couldn't help it.  I've also done it with Chappatsu
and Daisuke.  I mean, what was I supposed to do?  Ranma was out of
town and his two friends were so fine...


Without question, though, the best man I've been with that's my age is
Tsubasa.  No question.  It was almost as good as it was with
Tofu-sensei.  Needless to say, I was surprised, but pleasantly so.  But,
like Mousse, he's got his cap set on someone else and is only
occassionally available.  It's too bad, really, because Ukyou really doesn't
know what she's missing.  Well, her loss is my gain, I figure.  

Note that I said that Tsubasa is the best I've been with that's my age. 
The best lover I've been with, hands down, is Happosai.  I know it
sounds kind of surprising, and maybe a little sick, but, well, they don't call
him the "Master" for nothing.  Now, Happosai is not very well endowed,
but he is living proof that size doesn't matter.  Don't get me wrong: given
lovers of equal skill, bigger is better.  But skill can more than make up for
deficiencies in other areas.  I guess that, over the years, Happosai has
had a *lot* of experience.  His martial arts techniques, while formidable,
are not nearly so much as certain other techniques he knows.  He's the
only man I've ever had multiple orgasms with.  Now, if only he'd teach a
few of these techniques to Ranma...

***************************************************

I was eager with anticipation.  I had waited so long for this I thought I
would pass out from the excitement.  I was never really in love with the
other guys I've done it with, but I do love Ranma. However, after I said
that it would be our first time, Ranma burst out laughing.

"What's so funny?"  I asked, still smiling but confused and disappointed
because he completely ruined the mood, as usual. 

"Anoo . .  .  It's just funny that we spend all our time arguing and  fighting,
and yet here we are getting ready to . . . well, you  know."

"Then you WILL . . . ?"  I looked up at him hopefully. 

"No," he replied.  Damn.  "We have to wait.  I never get a chance to tell 
you and I'm usually too stupid to show it, but . . . I love  you, Akane."

Despite my disappointment, I couldn't help but tear up.  I had been waiting
to hear these words from him for so long.  "Ra . . . Ranma," I sobbed. 
"Do you really?"

He put my hands on my shoulders.  "Yes, really.  I love you.  I  would
fight the whole world for you.  You make the whole world  light up for
me when you smile, and when you cry, well, there's  nothing that makes
me feel worse.  I live for the day when it's  just you and me, together in
_our_ dojo . . . I want to marry  you."

"Oh Ranma!"  I cried, sobbing into his chest.  "I love  you too!"

We held for a long time.  After a moment, he lowered his lips to mine. 
The kiss was  feathery soft, yet bracing and intense.  It was a
revelation.   We both knew at that moment we were made to be together,
that  we were husband and wife before we were even born.

Eventually, we broke the kiss and stepped away.  I put my robe back on
as Ranma headed for the door  and grinned. "Arigato, Ranma," I
whispered.  "You're right.  Maybe we should  wait until we're married." 
Though not if I could help it...

He winked at me, opened the door, stepped out, then closed it behind
him.

I sat down on my bed and blew air up through my bangs.  So close and
yet so far.  Geez, what a prude.  I had done everything short of holding a
gun up to his head, and he still couldn't take the hint.  At least I was able
to get a kiss out of him, but a kiss simply wasn't enough.  Not after I got
so worked up.  So, after a while, when I was sure he was in his room
and asleep, I undressed and covered myself with a robe.  Then I snuck
out of my room, closed the door behind me, and walked down to
Happosai's room.  I knocked softly and entered the room.  Happosai was
laying down on his bed.  Regarding me coolly, he said "So that young
whelp couldn't get it done, eh?  Heh, heh.  I knew it!"  But he changed his
tune and cried "Sweet!" as I let the robe drop and padded softly to his
bed.

*******************

Author's note: OK, I felt impelled to unload this turkey on you all.  Hope it
wasnt too bad.  I would say something like "Be gentle, its my first fic" or
something, but even I recognize this for the silly fluff it is.  Actually, I
even considered throwing in a scene with Genma, but that was too
obscene, even for me.  Also, I used Chappatsu as the name for the
fair-haired of Ranma's friends because that was what was given in the
Memorial Album.  Since I still don't know the name of the other one, I
decided Daisuke was good enough.